Depression: or the State of my Kitchen

This could also be titled the State of My Marriage.  Jakobe and I are both depressed, and if you know anyone who likes to clean when they're depressed, the certainly don't live in our house.  Jakobe and I may deal with depression in different ways, but neither one of us has learned to channel it into housework.  He plays video games, avoids me, and sinks ever deeper into his world of Role Playing games.

I - I get irritable, I want Jakobe to spend more time with me - distracting me from the fact that I feel like shit about the universe, and I read (mostly extremely crappy romance novels - a large number of which are available for free on the kindle at the moment.)

Neither of us cleans.  this means that until today - our kitchen was approaching the definition of national disaster zone, and in fact, while trying to unload the dishwasher, I brushed a box of random crap, that was stacked on top of an empty box, that was in turn stacked on top of a chair.  Yep - all over the floor.  That that sent me into a cupboard door slamming, cleaning, swearing, completely unreasonable rage.  Thankfully - I get home about an hour before he does, and although he may not realize it, the worst of the rage had passed well before he got home.

Unfortunately, I feel a little bit like our marriage is in the same state that the kitchen was in - sadly in need of basic maintenance and care.  We've been trying, both of us, but it's like we just can't quite bridge the gap.  We've had some really good moments, but they're much farther apart than is good for us, and the rest of the time is like right now - he's hiding in the bedroom, and I'm letting him.  Also - going into a crazy rage is certainly not going to fix whatever apathy and depression has done to our relationship, it's just going to make it even worse.

Plus - we have this conversation hanging over our heads.  A conversation about IVF and our next attempt.  I'm trying not to assume I know what Jakobe is going to have to say, but I have this feeling in my gut that it's going to be the same song and dance all over again.  Mostly, that feeling cones from how he told me we needed to talk, but that he didn't want to do it right now.  Since I'm coping with this failure better than he is (and I'm not doing that great) I don't think that he wants to try again any time soon.  I don't want to wait too long.  I'm also falling out of love with our RE - but since he's the only option within 300 miles, and we paid to try three times with him, we're just going to have to keep with the plan.  Yay.

I'm still putting off the conversation.  I don't think we're ready yet.  and I certainly can do without the crying that will almost certainly result.  It never gets easier.  It never gets better.  It just keeps going on, hurting like hell and finding new ways to make us unhappy.

This is us - warts and all.  And I may have cleaned the kitchen in a fit today - but there's still the whole rest of the house looming.

Cars

I have the absolute worst luck with cars.  I can buy a car and have it go screaming in the void of Murphy's law within hours.

In 1998, my parents bought me a 1990 Ford Escort as a graduation present.  6 hours later, the timing belt broke on the freeway.  I fixed it, and nursed it through a couple of years until I broke my ankle while I was living in Seattle and having to drive a manual in rush hour traffic was not working out for me.

2001 - the Kia.  Great little car.  I once hit a pothole.  That bent the suspension and frame.  Oops.  It got totalled while I was underwater, and I had to refinance my house in 2004 to pay it off.

2004 - Borrowed a Jeep Cherokee. I drove it for a year. It's still in my front yard, as the owners moved to Germany (and then England) and the power of attorney ran out.  The water pump died, and the shop said that if I fixed it, it would probably only run for another six months anyway.

2005 - Bought a Chevy Corsica for $950.  The radiator cracked on my drive home.  There was a hole in the dash where the radio was supposed to be, and when winter hit, I discovered that the previous owner had bypassed the heater core instead of fixing it - so I had no heat.  I fixed the heater, and the radiator (Both, by myself, in my driveway.)  But, when the power steering fluid began to leak, I didn't bother to fix it.  I discovered that it was drive-able without the fluid, and well, when it leaked, the smoke gave be blood pressure problems and probably wasn't good for me.

I bought my last car in May of 2008, it was a 2000 Subaru Outback Limited, and it was beautiful.  Before the summer was over, I had not only jumped through a bunch of hoops to get it to pass emissions, but I had also replaced the head gasket.  I reasoned that this was not totally unexpected for a car with 140 thousand miles on it, and that If I just did the repairs, then I would have a reliable car.  I loved the car.  I loved everything about it.  Except for the fact that it had to go into the shop, over and over again, and every time It went in it cost me more than $2000 to have it fixed.  Plus the whole not having a car for a week at a time while they fixed it.  Or getting stranded on thanksgiving weekend in the middle of nowhere Washington with no heat in the car while it was 9 degrees outside (the second time the head gasket went).

Yesterday we took the Subaru to the shop to get looked at.  Diagnosis:  The head gasket, again.  The Catalytic Converter.  The water pump and timing belt, again.  The estimated bill:  $2800, and only because the parts from the last head gasket were still under warranty.

I couldn't do it anymore.  I had no faith that at the end of the day we were't going to be sitting at the mechanic again, sometime next year, with a car that wasn't worth as much as the repairs it needed - after the repairs were done.  So - we sold the Subaru to the mechanic.

Yesterday, we bought a certified 2009 Prius.  And then we decided that given my history, the extra money to extend the bumper-to-bumper warranty to 125,000 miles was definitely worth it.

So - Now we have a car payment.  And given that I have to start paying my student loans in January as well, we're going to have some adjusting to do.  But I just keep reminding myself that really the difference between car payments and repair bills is that car payments are predictable.  We're probably spending close to the same amount of money either way.

Photos - F*cking Eclipse!!!

*Type Here*

Sweeping up - trying to move forward.

I think that it's safe to say that everyone in our little house is a bit broken right now.  I've reached the point where I need to just pick up the pieces and try and figure out how to put things back together.  In some ways it's easier this time, because I've been in this ugly dank slime filled hole, and I can see  the hand and footholds I made to climb back out last time.  I can do it, and I will do it.

I tell myself it could have been worse, but in a way, the negative beta feels like a loss - a different loss than not being able to have a transfer.  Embry was alive when they put her back into my uterus, and I failed her.  I failed to keep her alive - to be the fertile soil that she needed to grow.  The nine days of wishing, and hoping, and acting pregnant are a cruel joke in the face of a negative beta.

But, we pick up, and we march on, and we look to the future.  I can't hope yet.  I don't feel it.  What I feel right now is stubbornness and determination.  Unfortunately mixed in with that is a fair bit of sadness and self loathing.

Even given all of that, I may be doing better than Jakobe.  He let himself hope a lot more than I did, and so fell farther.  We're struggling, and it doesn't help that the ways that we cope and need support are diametrically opposed.  He needs to pull away, to hide, and to nurse his wounds in solitude.  I - I need to be held, and to be assured that I'm not alone.  We're making it work, but it's hard.

I want to be able to close this  on a happy note, but I'm not sure where to find it.  I"m making it work, but only by letting things slip through my fingers that should probably be important.  At least I'm able to put a good face on it every day and get my shit done.

We have our WTF appointment on January 9th.

Beta

Negative.

Schrödinger's cat

We did it.  We went in for our beta.  This means that in a few short hours I won't be able to pretend that I'm pregnant anymore.  I'm terrified.  I cried on the way home.  Jakobe is telling me only positive things.  But, I'm trying to be prepared for the worst, to expect the worst.  I'm afraid that I manufactured all of my symptoms like a crazy woman grasping at straws.

The box is open, we just haven't looked yet.

6dp5dt - I can still find my marbles

If I look hard enough anyway.  I'm trying to stay positive, but you know how it goes, sometimes you just have those moments of doubt.  Those moments where you're sure that like everything else before now you're going to get dumped flat on my face.  In any case, I've been keeping busy, and trying not to get too worked up.  I've done a lot of reading, and playing of video games.  Last night I took my best friend out to dinner and shopping for chocolate and kitchen implements (I'm now the proud owner of an 11" tart pan with a removable bottom.

Symptoms (that may or may not be all in my head):

• Cramping - Not in my head, I've been cramping since Thursday.
• Sore boobs (over the weekend.)  Then they got better :(
• Jakobe said that my boobs were bigger, but I couldn't see/feel a difference.
• Tired - But that was just yesterday and might be meaningless, I was falling asleep at dinner at about 7:30 last night.
•  Increased Heart rate: 90bpm while lying in bed, 103 BPM while sitting at my desk (and I know that's really high even for my sedentary fat ass.)

I feel like I'm just picking up on little things that don't have any meaning, and I'm worried becasue my breasts stopped being sore, Like maybe embry started and then couldn't keep going. 

I could POAS today, or tomorrow or even Thursday, but I don't want to know.  Okay I do want to know, but If it's negative I would like to go on thinking I'm pregnant for as long as possible.  I did have my progesterone test done yesterday, and it came back just fine at 21.7.

In the meanwhile we have a plan for my not drinking on Thanksgiving.  I'm buying myself some sparkling cider, and Jakobe is going to drink.  I'm the Designated Driver this time.  Honestly - I don't think it's going to work.  But it's a plan anyway.  I just don't think I want to be talking about it with all the aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, Etc.  

I just have to make it until Friday.

And Murphy strikes again.

We have nothing to freeze, according to our nurse, all 5 arrested overnight.

I'm trying not to get too upset or emotional, wouldn't want to fuck up the broken basket that's carrying our only egg.

Support group meeting should start anytime.  Probably a good thing.  I'm going to eat blueberry cream cheese tart and try not to cry.

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PUPO

Here's Embry.  We were told that it was an excellent looking embryo, so we have that going for us.  I have spent all day on the couch, but I guess that's okay.  I should remember my vitimins before I pass out. 

The details on the others are, as of this morning:

2 early blasts

2 morulas

1 delayed

I'm hoping there's at least one to freeze in the morning.  I'd prefer two.

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Go Embry! Go!

  None of our fresh embryos were ready for transfer this morning.  (The clinic only transfers expanded blasts).  So we are thawing Embry and proceeding with transfer.  They weren't able to give me details on the other embryos, but they should ba able to when we get there at 11 for our 11:30 transfer.

For now, Jakobe and I are heading out so he can eat, and there will be more details to follow.

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Impatience

I am lying in bed this morning, waiting for the clinic to call and give me today's instructions.  Waiting to find out how our embryos are doing.  My mind is racing and I can't doze anymore. 

Jakobe has gone to work, he had to go in very early today and basically get some favors so that he could leave the office early enough to go with me for the transfer, whenever it will be.  He has to work until 8:45, and then he has the rest of the day.  I am very grateful to the people who helped him out, and very irritated by how inflexible his work is being in general.  It's not like he's been asking for loads of time off, and he worked all day Friday, when I had my retrieval.   Grr.  I had to pick, and I picked that I wanted him with me today.  But, they couldn't get it worked out until yesterday, so we've been a little stressed by that.

Anyway, the clinic didn't call last time until after eight, so I need to be a bit more patient.  Maybe get up and eat breakfast?  Or listen to the C+B Transfer track?  I'm so trying to not go a little crazy over the next hour.  Then it'll just be a bit of boredom while I fumble through self-imposed bed rest today and tomorrow.

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Day three Reporting

Well, I am feeling better.  Still a bit of odd sensations in the pelvic region, but basically okay.  I haven't quite figured out how I feel about how things are going this time.  I'm certainly not despondent and full of fear, which is pretty much how I was feeling about this point int he process last time.  Instead I'm just trying not to have too much in the way of expectations either way. 

Jakobe is in some ways my rock.  He's really good at being optimistic and being sure that this are going to work out in our favor.  At the same time, He has crawled into his very safe and secure bubble - other wise known as near constant video games.  It's how he deals with things, but I still kind of miss him when he does. 

So far the PIO injections are going very well.  I kick him off of the TV for about forty five minuted so that I can watch some tv with a heating pad on my bum.  I'm doing the injections in my right hip, and he's taking care of the ones in my left hip.  He thinks it's a fair division of labor - I can't bring myself to tell him that it's only fair if half the injections are in *HIS* bum.  oh well, not exactly going to work out that way.

On Saturday I headed over to the local coffee shop for a support group meeting, but it turned out I was the only one who could make it.  We have two groups right now - One for people who are experiencing infertility at any stage of their journey, and one for those who are trying to conceive or parent their first.  It was the second group that was pretty empty this weekend, and not for a bad reason.  We have finally had several people who have moved on.  They finally have their BFP, and they are now taking new steps.  It's been a long time coming, because the group had about a two year drought.  Now - We've got three pregnant women.

I hope I get to be number four.  It'll play hell on the meetings, but for good reasons.

I guess it's time to share this morning's details.

We have four 8-cell embryos, and one that's at less than 5 cells.  I don't expect that last one to make it.  SO I'm thinking that we have four that were right on schedule this morning.  We won't know any more until Wednesday morning, when they will tell us if any of them are ready to transfer.  Even if they're not, we're going to have a transfer, we'll just thaw and use Embry (or: the little embryo who could).  Here's to being almost PUPO.

Fert Report

I got the call this morning while I was driving to our support group meeting (Jakobe was still home sleeping).  I think that this is good news, and we won't hear any more until Monday.

14 Retrieved

9 Mature

7 fertilized

Now they just have to grow. 

Yesterday wasn't bad, I hurt more than last time, but overall I was okay and took it easy.  I had one bout, late in the evening where I got flushed and the hot/cold prickles and thought I was going to throw up.  I didn't and I am very glad.  I'm feeling okay today, still a little sore, but not bad.  Getting ready to wait.

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Fourteen!!!

We got 14 eggs!  We'll know about fertilization tomorrow.  I am experiencing more discomfort than last time, but that was to be expected.  Sitting around the house, trying to get comfortable and watching movies.

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on waiting rooms

I think I would lose my head if it wasn't attached.  Here we are, sitting in the waiting room, and Jakobe had already been called in to do his part and I have a sudden realization.  Our consent forms?  They're at home in *my* car, and unsigned.  Oops.  Thankfully, I caught Jakobe, and we got them signed.  Part of him wanted to read them again, and he asked:  "What happens If I refuse to sign now?"

My response (laughing):"I beat you to death with this clipboard."

Anyway, we're here waiting and my retrieval is at 8 am, so we shouldn't have to wait too long.  Plus Heather brought me a package of dark chocolate lacey cookies from Trader Joe's.  She's awesome, and I am lucky to have her.

I'll keep you in the loop, and let you know about everything.

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Trigger Time

You heard that right, it's trigger time.  This time it's at 10:00 pm instead of 1 am, so I don't have to either get up at an ungodly hour, or stay up really late and miss out on my sleep.  5000 IUs this time, I think becaue there's so much more going on down there.

I have the worst gas, and it's adding to the puffy bloated feeling.  I am now regretting the Fiber One bars that I ate earlier today.  Tasty, but I think that they made the gas worse.

Jakobe's employer is being a total ass about the whole thing, and he will be working friday during retrieval,  Not such a big deal - but they also wont let him have any time on Wednesday for transfer.  Completely not cool.  He has sick time, but they won't let him use it.

I spent the time this evening trying to stay awake by watching TV instead of doing any of the other things that should have been on the priority list - Like putting the dishes away, laundry, or even NaNoWriMo.  I am falling way behind, and I really should do something about it, but I'm just exhausted.  I get home, and I mostly want to sleep.  I don't cause then I'll wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to go back to sleep - but it's hard to focus when you'd rather be sleeping.

Theoretically - we're supposed to have sex tonight.  and If I didn't feel like an overblown balloon I might actually feel like having sex tonight.  But - I am veeling very baloon like, and the closest thing to a penis that my vagina has seen in days is an ultrasound wand - and it just hurt,  It doesn't make me want to put anything else in their either.  and all of that is discounting the requirement that we use a condom.  I hate them, Jakobe hates them, and they are not the best option when performance is proscribed and might be an issue.  Why - cause he's not really in the mood tonight eeither.

He's not getting too much sympathy from me on that front.  If the most unpleasant thing (besides helping me with my injections) that he has to do is masturbate - I think he'll survive it.  Somehow it's not air that most of the suckiness falls to the women in most cases - he doesn't even have to get up at o'dark thirty to go to the RE's office, and some morning's it's hard to refrain from really waking him up instead of kissing him on the head while He dozes and I walk out the door.

I just realized that he once (possibly jokingly) threatened to boycot the process if they had to "go to the source" in his words, and that basically, they have to "go to the source" on my side every tim.  and my source, is a lot less accesible than his.

OKay - I think I might be getting a bit bitchy.  I'm gonna blame it on tired and hormonal.  That and headaches everyday that I don't get to take anything for.

On that note - I'll say goodnight.


***Quick Morning update***

Here are the actual stats:

• e2: 4540
• Progesterone: 1.8
• Follicles :  Now he's only counting the largest ones to get a general feeling - 13
• Right: 20, 20, 20, 20, 20, 19, 17
• Left: 20, 20, 20, 19, 19, 17
• Endometrial Thickness: 9mm

Day 10 - Are we there yet?

Say hello to the Stay Puft Marshmallow man.  Or at least, that's how I feel.  Tonight is not trigger time, and I get to go back in in the morning.  Dr says that He wanted to let me go one more day.  I mind, and I don't - they counted 16 follies this morning. Some still to small, and some the right size.

Mostly I'm starting to feel like I might explode.  My Nurse coordinator still has to be prodded every day to give me numbers - she just want to tell me what my instructions are and leave it at that.  It irritates me a little bit - and I think that my asking irritates her a little bit too, but I'd rather be informed than just in the dark and guessing.

Stats:

• E2: 3189
• Progesterone: 1.8
• Follicles: 16, ranging from 13-20ish mm
• Right: 13, 17, 18, 19, 19, 20
• Left: 13,13, 5x<15, 19, 19, 19

We're almost there.  Jakobe's work is giving him a bit of trouble, not wanting to let him have time off for retrieval, or time off for transfer.  I know that I don't technically need him then, but dammit I want him to be there.  We're making it work.  If everything works out how we are currently;y expecting, then retrieval is going to be at about the same time that the furnace guy is coming to fix the heat in our house, so Jakobe will probably be home waiting for said furnace guy, and Heather will be with me giving me a ride, etc.  Then if the furnace still isn't fixed I'll be at home, and Jakobe is headed back to work - they're short staffed for closers on Friday.  I'll let you know what we do tomorrow.

Tonight I'm going to try to go to bed early again and hopefully I can fall asleep.  I find myself very tired, but last night I laid in bed for a long time just trying to fall asleep.  I must also remember to take my vitimins and drink some water before I zonk out.  Every day it seems to be getting harder to draw my blood for labs.  Thankfully even if it's been getting harder, the lady I've worked with most days has been awesome, and I've been getting away with only about 1 stick for day.  In My book, That's a miracle.

  I managed to make it to the clinic early enough that I was on time for work this morning, but each day is kind of it's own crapshoot, so I'll have to try and repeat myself tomorrow - before I really irritate my boss.

The post I owed you yesterday...

...but I skipped because I wasn't doing anything.  It was my birthday, and my prerogative.  I had a very lazy day. Especially if you don't count getting up at the crack of dawn to go to the RE's office and have an ultrasound wand shoved up my hoo-ha and my arms poked with needles to remove my lifeblood.  But all in all it wasn't bad.

It was pretty good, and I had good News from the doctors office - all is proceeding according to plan.  I'm getting a little nervous, because now I only have about two and a half Gonal-F pens left.  and I'm pretty sure I'm right on the edge because if the timing matches last time, then I'll be triggering tomorrow night, and I won't need the extra, but If I follow the calendar I'm short.  I need to remember to talk to them about it tomorrow.,

Does anyone else suddenly feel even more bloated right after they do their injections?  It's like I know that I'm not actually any more uncomfortable than I was two minutes before, but suddenly it's like I can feel my ovaries expanding, yet again.  Plus - I feel like I have to fart - all the time, and I just can't (well not much, I *am* farting as much as possible because I feel like it's giving me a little release.)

...and now that I have crossed the TMI line all over again, we can return to our regular programming.

My birthday was great.  Jakobe and Heather bought me a ticket to a wine tasting and benefit, and we had a wonderful time.  We all went out for sushi beforehand.  Heather and I enjoyed it immensely, while Jakobe explored all of the non sushi items on the conveyor belt.  At the benefit I bought 3 small bottles of a port that I like, Even though I already have a bottle here at home, because it was available at a discount.  Now I don't have to worry about opening up a bottle - because I still have a couple more.  Anyway, that was the night before, on my birthday itself, with the exception of the part mentioned above, we hung around the house, watched TV and movies, ignored our chores, and went to Red Lobster for Endless Shrimp.

Details from the Doctor's office:

• E2 - 1657
• Progesterone - 1.19
• Follicles - they still counted 11, 5 on the left, 6 on the right.  Almost all of them were 15mm, one measured 16, and there was one - (I'm not sure if it was part of the count) - at 12mm.

I'm off to the RE again in the morning, and I half expect to be telling you all that trigger is tomorrow night.  Either way, I'll be owing you a post tomorrow.  Until then.

(Oh, and for those who might be counting, this was my 200th post.  It should be more significant, but Hey, I'm gonna let it slide for now.)

SO - the doctor says...

Or more accurately the nurse called me to say:

• 11 follicles sized 12 mm and 10 mm.
• Estrogen of about 583 (I wrote it down at work and forgot to bring it home with me)
• Progesterone of 0.8
• and we're not doing LH anymore - the Lupron plays hell and it's meaningless.

Today is technically Cycle Day 6, and day 4 or stims.  I looked back, and on this day last time what we had was:

• 3 follicles - 13, 12, and 11
• Estrogen of 113
• Progesterone of 1.3

It seems to me - and our Nurse coordinator - that it's going much better this time.  In any case I'm starting to feel better.

I did have friends over tonight, and had a bit to drink, but I didn't go crazy overboard, and at least my right breast hurts less.  I guess I forgot to tell you - there's something going on with it, I went to the regular doctor this afternoon, and they think it's just inflammation or a clogged duct.  Moist heat, don't get a fever, and hope it gets better this week.  They don't think it's cancer.  Yay!

The plan for tomorrow - 

1. Try and get some more writing done:  I've completed 6,985 words in the challenge so far (not counting blog posts) or approximately 14%.  So far I'm on track. It's probably not any good, but since the point is a rough draft, and you're not supposed to edit, just get words on paper, I'm doing okay.  I keep trying to get a little bit ahead, but so far it isn't happening.
2. Go and get massages.  We're both scheduled for 2 hour massages tomorrow, and I can't wait.
3. Go along with whatever Jakobe's plan is.  I don't know what it is - but he's been conspiring with my best friend, so I'm excited to find out.

day 4:long lines

I think that today is technically day 4 of stims.  I'm sitting here waiting with about 30 other women to be churned through the ultrasound machine that is a.m. labs. 

Mostly I'm just really really hoping that it's working right now.  I'm so afraid that it's going to be terrible like last time and that I'm not actually stimming, even given the high doses of drugs I am on.

I'm also hoping that I'm going to able to talk to somone about this terrible pain in my right breast.  If I bump it wrong it takes me almost a minute to recover, because it's like being stabbed.  It sucks, and I keep bothering it while I'm trying to sleep.  I guess I want to know if I should wait and see if it stops when stims do, or if I should have it checked out. 

Nothing like random boob pain to take you mind off of nearly everything else.

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I cannot be trusted...

...with microdose Lupron, which must be kept refrigerated.  I have had two incidents in the last two days.

Incident one - I left it out, on the counter for three hours, while I went to dinner, and only thought about it after I crawled into bed.  Had to get back up again - put it in the fridge, have a freakout, and call the pharmacist in the morning.

Incident two - While trying to avoid a repeat of incident one, I asked Jakobe to "put it away" after I was done drawing up the Lupron injection.  I was sitting on the couch and trying to manage all three injections at once.  Unfortunately he heard "throw it away".  Oops.  There's an upside to this one.  Today is garbage day, so he took the garbage out last night.  And - it's November, so it cold outside.  A garbage can is like a fridge, right?  (I've been keeping it in the outer container, and miraculously, nothing got dirty...)

I cannot screw this up again, I may be out of free passes.

On a final note - I owe my nurse coordinator a bit of an apology.  I'm still irritated that it takes forever to hear back from her, but it was mostly the pharmacy's screw up.  They hadn't checked their voice-mail in hours when I got there.  She still called it in to the wrong pharmacy, but she did call it in to the right chain.  All is better now, and Jakobe started his antibiotics all over again last night.

Antibiotics are Evil

At least Docycycline is when prescribed to my Husband.  It makes his blood sugar go completely out of control, and high blood sugar makes him cranky (which is a bit of an understatement, when his blood sugar is high, his fuse is so short it might as well not exist.)

So, because he doesn't physically have enough insulin to keep up with the doxy, I called our nurse coordinator to see if we can get a scrip for something else.  It only took her a couple (three and a half) hours to call me back.  Then she was very rushed, and hurried me off the phone while I was trying to be sure that she had the right pharmacy to call the scrip in to.

Fast forward to my drive home from work, when I stop off at the pharmacy to pick up the scrip.  No Scrip, and none at any of the other pharmacies in the chain.  We don't have a scrip.  So - Here I am waiting, again, for her to call me back, and hoping that it'll be today, because Jakobe is *not* taking any more doxycycline.  It's just not okay.

Lupron and Television

Sometimes what I watch on TV seems to fit right in with my life, and sometimes it doesn't.  Anyone following the story-line on Private Practice?  I just finished last week's episode, and all I can say is Yes, you've gotta have hope.  But lady - Hope kills.

And so do crazy hormonal women.  I'm having a rough enough time already, I don't really want to experience the full blown IVF hormonacoaster.  Plus - as much as I love Jakobe, he gets a perverse joy out of making sure I know exactly how crazy and bitchy I am.  Which is totally not fair, especially when he's being just as moody, if more predictable.

In any case, my first Lupron injection was tonight, and then as I was sitting there, feeling kind-of yucky and crampy i discovered that joy of joys now I'm spotting (or more, it *is* red) too.  and I can't figure out which day I'm supposed to be on for my damned fertility meditations....  I think I'll do day 1 tonight, and then day 3 tomorrow - I've gotta shortchange one or two of them, since I have about 10 days, to fit in twelve days of meditations.  I suppose I could meditate more than once a day...  a thought.

Here's to all of us surviving the next few days.  Me, Jakobe and Sasha.

I got smart - tonight I picked out tomorrow's clothes so that I don't have to figure it out in the morning, just find socks.  Speaking of socks - anyone know where I can find some awesome ones before Friday?  I'm just not ready for Christmas socks, and those were the only ones I found today.

Waiting in Line: We're up next

So, here we go again with IVF 2.0.  Tomorrow is my the day that I begin Lupron, and Gonal-F the day after that.  It's good to have changed things a little bit, but at the same time, the whole thing is just scary. Unfortunately it's not the "embarking on a new adventure" scary, but the "I didn't really like this ride the first time" scary.  It's kind of like my sister, who is terrified of heights, who keeps riding the Panic Plunge, even though she knows that the second that she starts to go up, she's going to start crying, change her mind, and ask them to stop the ride and let her off.  (they never do, they might do that for a little kid, but not an adult woman.)  I know what I'm getting myself into, and I'm still getting on.

Right now, I'm sitting at my computer, freshly showered (Ultrasound at o'dark-thirty anyone?) and trying to drink enough water so that I can actually not spend 20 minutes trying to get my blood drawn in the morning, while not drinking enough water to keep me awake all night getting up to pee.  It's a fine line.

Jakobe and I have been doing a lot of talking this week, from what we thought we should do about the adoption situation, to what we're going to do with Embry (his name for our frostie) if stims are totally crappy this time around too.  The current plan is that if we get to transfer day, and we have nothing to transfer, then we're going to go ahead and put Embry back and cross our fingers.  We'd never really planned for a single embryo transfer, but at this point, if things go badly again, I think we'll take what we can get.

Important Dates in IVF 2.0:

October 31 - First Lupron Injection
November 1 - Start Gonal-F
November 6 - My 32nd Birthday
November 12 - Tentative retrieval day (and the 4th anniversary of our first kiss)
November 17 - Tentative Transfer Day
November 24 - Thanksgiving
November 26 - My best guess for Beta day...

Things I plan to do differently this time:

NaNoWriMo - only possible because it's November, but I thought it best to give myself something else to concentrate on, like - did I write my 1,667 words today?  I may end up breaking a lit of the rules, but I need some therapy, and it's really cheap, right?

When we get to transfer, I plan to take two days off of work, and just rest.  I'm self prescribing bed rest, because I want to be sure I did my damnedest  .  This is different, because we didn't even make it to transfer last time.

Not try and do too much.  NaNoWriMo isn't physically demanding, and if it gets to be too much, then I can just stop.  There is no one and nothing holding my feet to the fire.

Try and make sure that I'm supporting Jakobe, and also that I'm doing a better job of communicating what I need from him.  I pretty much suck at asking for what I need.  (Somehow I expect him to be psychic, and then I get mad at him when he doesn't just know.  Totally unfair and bitchy of me - So I'm going to try and do better.)

Fire and ice: the gap between

I know that there's a lot that's happened over here that I don't think that Ive shared with all ofr you yet, so here goes.

The Facts:
 I had CD3 blood work done as part of the lead-up to IVF 2.0.  The results weren't great, and weren't terrible.

• E2: 27.3 
• FSH: 9.0
• LH: 4.3

Also, This summer I had my AMH tested, all for myself, so that I could see another metric of what was going on.  Our WTF appointment with the RE in August wasn't very hopeful, and he said that because of my poor response last time, that I probably had diminished reserve, and bad eggs.  Yeah, no fun.  Really kind-of pissed me off because it was the opposite of what he had told me during our cycle, when he said it was probably a fluke.  Queue major irritation.  Anyway, My AMH came back at 0.93 - or Low normal.  So he's not wrong, and not right, and we're just going to have to try and figure things out from here.  We did get him to try a different protocol this time.  Micro-flare with max stims.  Not too worried about OHSS this time anyway.  I have a calendar, and my suppression check labs are this Thursday, with my first dose of Lupron to start on Halloween.  This seems like the perfect opportunity to turn into a monster!

Charts of my hormones & stuff - Because I can!

The wobbly, wishy-washy, completely emotional junk:
I realized today while I was sitting in the exam room in my stylish backless gown, and my totally awesome fuzzy socks that I really didn't want to be there.  I didn't want to have top do this again.  I am afraid of the heartbreak, and I am afraid that this will all turn out to be a waste of time.  t the same time, I keep catching myself thinking about what I'm going to do when this works, when I'm pregnant, when we're expecting one baby or two.  It's like there are two parts of my heart, and they're totally not on the same page.
If that wasn't enough, my emotional state is complicated by having been asked to consider adopting a baby.  Not a maybe someday baby, but a baby that would be born before one we would conceive during this cycle.  The situation is incredibly complicated, and most of it is not my story to tell - so I'm trying valiantly to keep my trap shut.  I talked to my mom, and laid everything out, but we're still in a feedback loop, where we can't think straight, or about anything else, and I bounce back and forth like there's no tomorrow between good idea and bad idea.
I feel like we need to make some sort of decision before we know how the IVF turns out.  I don't want this to be a second-best situation.  I only want to go ahead and say yes if:

• We're sure that we want the baby - regardless of if we have a biological child or not
• We're sure that it's the best choice for everyone involved

But - I don't even know which parts of the considerations have a part in our decision-making process, and which ones might be overstepping our bounds.  I wish that there was someone I could talk to who could help us find the best path.  Jakobe has already stated that he thinks we need an impartial third party, to facilitate he and I talking together, and also to facilitate some hard discussions with the expectant parents.  Sometimes the safest choice isn't the best choice, and sometimes it is, but I don't know how to tell which route is best.  I do know that we currently intend to go through all three tries in the three cycle option IVF that we started in April.

Testing the Waters

I'm back - at least a little bit back.  I don't know how to explain what happened, just that I needed a great big break.  No saving money, no blogging, and no reading blogs.  I just had to get away.  other than the occasional doctor's appointment, the only things infertility related that I have been doing is attending out local support group meetings.

I have a hard time admitting - even too myself, how hurt I was after our IVF attempt in April.  I just shut down.  I took a couple of months before I even really had a prayer of keeping up on housework.  I was broken.  I took on too much, and when it was finally all over, when I no longer had to hold myself together so that IU could just graduate, all the cracks started showing plain as day.  so - I've been mending them, one at a time,  and my heart has a crazed appearance like crackle finish paint, but it's mostly whole again.

This is a good thing, especially since we're on the roller coaster again.  I started the BCPs this week for our next try.  I start stims the first of November.

I am terrified.

Nothing that happened this summer has really done much to make me feel better about or failure.  The doctor has decided that I have diminished ovarian reserve to go along with Jakobe's bunk sperm, and my endometriosis.  I'm not sure I believe him because my labs don't seem to agree with him, but he could be right.  Maybe we just thought we had the shit end of the stick to begin with, but we're really starting to small what we got ourselves into now.  We'll see.  This time it's a micro-flare protocol, with Lupron and the highest dosage of stims we can, from the get go.  We'll see how it turns out.

MIA

I know I'm MIA over here.  Although I'm not thinking about infertility much at the moment,  I'm struggling with the after effects of our failed cycle.  So - for now I'm taking it easy, and just trying to make it through this last quarter at school.

I wrote this poem a couple of weeks ago, and I've had more days like it that I care to think about.  I'm going to find my way back out, but I'm not there yet.

Today I sit at the edge of Tears

their salty ocean before me

behind me

and within me

A salty drop waits to join them

but is held here

unshed

waiting

Today I sit at the edge of tears.

And the winner is...

Okay, so I don't know how anyone else has done this in the past, but I typed everyone's name (in reverse date order) into an excel spreadsheet, and then used random.org to pick a number between 1 and 178.  I was shocked to discover that I had received 178 comments from all of you amazing, supportive, wonderful people during our IVF cycle.  I don't know if you realize how much caring I felt from each and every one of you, not only along the way, but also tonight, while doing the work for the giveaway.  Everyone of you is awesome!

What's that?  you want to know who the winner was?

#52 - Or Foxy from Someday.  I kind-of think it's fitting, because not only did she give me the idea, but she is a champion commenter.

But - Before I go, I want to say thank you to each and every one of you.  You made a crazy, stressful, and difficult time easier.  I wish I had something for each and every one of you.  So thank you to:

• eighteenyears
• Kat
• Kakunaa
• Mr. Thompson and Me
• Nikki Sunshine
• justadrienne
• Awaiting Our Miracle
• Marianne
• New Year Mum
• Leigh
• TeeJay
• Elaine VanDRiver
• Kerrik
• Kami
• Fran
• Baby Hopes
• Yolanda
• Gurlee
• Emmy
• TeamBabyCEO
• musicmakermomma
• Miss Conception
• J'espere
• empty whole
• Baby Mamma
• A Shadow of My Former Self
• Ruth
• B-
• Krista
• Kate Nadeau
• KC
• Courtney
• Lola
• E and R
• Me and You, Just us - Two
• marriage20
• Junebug
• Missy
• abracadabrababy

P.S.  Maintenance started yesterday, and we talked to the clinic.  We're going to take the summer off, and then we'll take a stab at IVF #2 in the fall, specifically November.  Now We just need to make ourselves a WTF appointment, and see where we go from here.


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Taking Time

Just a quick note to let you all know that I'm still here.  I'm very very behind on the reading of all of my blog buddies, and I expect to stay that way for a while.  I'll be working on a post this week for the Bust a Myth campaign, but other than that I'm still just here. Taking it a day at a time.  I've become very adept at pretending everything is fine, but I'm half-assing my schoolwork, and spending a lot of time reading fiction that takes me away from here.

I started spotting today, so I suspect that maintenance isn't too far away, which means that making a decision about a frozen cycle in June, or July isn't very far away either.

I love you all, and I'll be announcing the giveaway winner from my cycle later this week as well. ( As soon as I figure out how to do the random choosing.)

Dollars and $ense of family building

Click on the picture to see the
other responses

This was started over at Write Mind Open Heart, and it's a conversation that we all need to be aware of.  The added costs of family building when it comes to Infertility and Adoption are not a laughing manner, and neither is how we will explain these things to our children and how they will feel about them.Some of these questions I have to answer from a hypothetical perspective, because I don't know all of my answers or my journey yet.  I thought that this would be an appropriate opening post for my National Infertility Awareness Week Blogging.

Consider your now or future children as adults, and consider the fact that you had to spend money to either conceive them or make them part of your family. What effect do you think the latter will have on the former one day? What, do you think, your grown children might feel about the funds it took to create your family?

I hope that they're not bothered by it, and I hope to instill the belief that we loved them and wanted them so much that we went all out in the attempt to be their parents. 

How did/would you handle it if your child asks you, “Mom, how much did I cost?” How would you answer at age 7? At age 18?

I would be honest, but try to couch it in terms that make sense to them given their age.  And try to remind them that we didn't go out to the store and buy them, we went to the doctor and paid him to help us.  So, to a 7 year old, it might be along the lines of an awful lot, and maybe a dollar figure, but something to make it real and to a child on the cusp of adulthood - I'd probably compare it to the amount it costs to buy a new car.

When calculating the costs of your family building, what do you include? The direct costs are easy (such as RE fees for a cycle or homestudy fees), but what about fees that didn’t directly lead to your child’s existence in your life, such as cycles that didn’t work, adoption outreach avenues that didn’t work, failed adoptions, avenues that were explored (and that cost something) but not pursued, etc.?

So far I'm including all of the costs.  Medications, supplements, testing, marital counseling, cycles that didn't work, everything.  Why, because that is the cost of us building our family.  It's not just the cost of a single cycle, because we should learn from the failed ones and hopefully make the next try better.  On the other hand - I'm not counting the costs of snacks at support group meetings, or the cost f gas to drive around....  or - even - the cost of ice cream.

If two children in a family “cost” different amounts, should that have any significance?

No.  Because it's not a measure of a child, it's the measure of the amount of help that we needed to bring that child into our family.

To what extent have finances determined the family-building decisions you have made? How have you able to balance financial considerations against other factors such as medical, ethical, emotional…?

Finances have played a big role.  We really didn't want to go deeper into debt to start our family.  So we spent a year of instituting austerity measures at home to help us pay more out of pocket for our treatments.  We chose to participate in a type of shared risk plan because we knew that we couldn't afford to try again if the first attempt failed, at least not soon after, and we wanted to make sure that we would have a good chance at a family.  In many cases, We put some of our emotional heath on the back burner to our financial health, waiting put strains on our marriage, and strains on our emotions that we weren't really prepared for.  Mostly because although I'm the one who wanted to save first, I'm also the one who was impatient.

Has institutional and governmental support for certain family-building paths impacted your choices? For example, ART being covered by insurance, tax deductions for adoption expenses, etc.

No treatments were covered by our insurance, and there is nothing in our state that required that they do so.  The only way that the outside entities affected our decisions is that they made family building harder for us.

Have you considered having ART treatments abroad, either due to lower cost or due to certain methods being unavailable or illegal in your own country? In your decision-making, how did you balance the financial savings against issues like the unknowns of the country, perhaps not speaking the language, and medical practices that may differ from those of your home country? If you did travel abroad for treatments, what was your experience? Would you do it again?

Right now, I'm not comfortable with it.  Probably because I haven't traveled that much myself, and because I couldn't conceive of a way for us to go out of country for ART and keep our jobs.  Will I consider it in the future - I hope I don't have to, and I think that it's farther than Jakobe is willing to go.

Freezing conditions

I know - vitrifying avoids crystals

We have one that we get to freeze, and the other one appears to have quit.  So - I guess we're left with The Little Embie Who Could.  In any case, the nurse told me that the embryologist was surprised by how excellent it looked.  Now we just wait for my period to start again, and then we're on the roller coaster. Apparently the clinic wants to do the FET before we try another fresh cycle, so I don't know whether to hope it works, or hope that it doesn't and we get some sort of a chance at additional embryos.

The weather here cooperated with the Freezing theme of the day, and it snowed fairly heavily this morning (although it didn't stick much, or for long).  I have to say that the crazy weather is starting to get on my nerves,  sunny and warm, blowing and snowing...  just pick a season...preferably late spring.

The snow was tapering off when I took this picture.

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Pushing Through

This morning sucked.  I managed to write my short post, and to write out a quick post to Facebook, because my extended family know just about everything, and it's easier than having to tell people.  Then Jakobe and I went to a little diner we like and I drank 3 cups of coffee and ate way too much breakfast!  We stopped by to see my mom and sister, who both work in the same place.  My sister had called me all excited and hopeful for me this morning, and she was going to call me back about lunch time...  it was easier to tell her face to face.  They cried for us - and I cried a little bit more.

After that we came home, and I was very glad to have something to do to occupy myself (besides my homework, which I also got done and e-mailed to the Prof. because I don't feel like going to class tonight.) and that was to put together the patio set my mother-in-law bought us me for my graduation present.  It was kind of fun, and definitely good for me to have something to do with my hands.

Besides, you can see my pot of rhubarb behind the chair.  It seems to be dealing well with being dug up and put in a pot, and I've got strawberries on the way!

I've seen that there are a lot of questions about if we can transfer tomorrow - the Dr.'s office has stopped doing day 6 transfers because they have found that they have a higher success rate with vitrifying the embryos on day 6 and putting them back on Day 5 of a different cycle.  Something about that being when the endometrium is best prepared for them.  I know that they've got very very exacting rules, and that some of these are new policies there.  I'm hoping it's because they've learned what works the best in their clinic.  As it is, I know that in many other clinics we would have had a transfer today.  

Right now - I'm at home.  My tummy is a bit upset (probably from the coffee, which I don't usually drink anyway, but had this morning because I could)  I've written this post.  I'll probably eat some ice cream.  I may also try to read some of your blogs.

I am so glad that there's a support group meeting tomorrow.  Maybe I can get the last of my crying done there.

**Note:  I think that tomorrow will be the last day of my giveaway, seeing as that will be the last post in this IVF cycle.**

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No go.

There will be no transfer today. We had one early blast, and one not quite blast, so they'll lt them go until tomorrow and freeze what they can.

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My Petty Rebellion

Screenshot from www.starbucks.com

I had Starbucks Hot chocolate this morning.  And - When I looked it up then, it said that it had 25 mg of caffeine.  But, I drank it anyway.

Other than that, today was just a day - if you count the morning routine of getting up right before Jakobe leaves for work so that he can give my my PIO shot, and then waiting for 20 minutes in bed dozing, and then putting heat on it for another 20 minutes, and then finally getting up to face my day.

I have a secret for you - tonight I'm terrified.  I have hope tonight.  and I'm afraid that tomorrow morning will take it all away.  As much as I want the morning phone call, I don't want it.  I want to spend some more time in this happy limbo, where I just think that it might happen.  It's all too fast.  

Anyway - that was me - checking in.  I'll let you know tomorrow's news when I know it.

It’s about time…

…for us to get a bit of good news for a change.  And what do you know, it happened.

My nurse called this morning, and was very solicitous.  She asked a couple of times how I was doing, and it made me very nervous, because it made me expect more bad news.  But – That wasn’t the case.  She was actually calling to tell me that we had 2 embryos at the 8 cell stage.  Yeah, Two!

I was perplexed, because on Saturday morning we were told that only one had fertilized, and I didn’t know how one could turn into two at this point, so I was shocked.  I asked her, and she said that one had fertilized late, but had caught up.

Being flustered - and crying with relief (I had let myself believe that today was going to be more bad news) I didn’t ask for any more information.  I don’t know that she would have had more to give me, although if she had been able to tell me if there were fragmentation, or the grades of our little 8 celled embies, I would have latched on to that.  As it is, she said that there were both on track right now, and looking good.

So I guess right now our cast of characters is:

• The Little Embie that Could

And

• The Late Bloomer

 ***Update***:  my clinic only does 5 day transfers, and then only if you have expanded blasts.

Killing time - and Procrastination

I was supposed to be doing homework today.  Instead, I haven't gotten out of my PJs, and I have been doing stuff around the House.

• I made Belgian Waffles for Jakobe - cause that's what he wanted for breakfast.
• I spent hours and hours retouching the photo's I too of my little sister in her prom dress yesterday.
• We rigged a new center support system for our bad - it's awesome.  I don't think that bed was meant for a a memory foam mattress, and it needed more support. 
• We re-arranged the bedroom
• I cleaned (and really cleaned, the bedroom we re-arranged, and went through all of my dresser drawers.  They were a really big mess.)
• I did some laundry.
• I made a loaf of banana bread.
• I'm writing a blog entry.

You see where I'm going with this.  Not that most of this stuff didn't need to get done.  But - None of it was my homework.  I have senioritis, combined with being in a mentally fucked up bad place right now.  It sucks.

And then - there was a question on a blog about what your husband shouldn't day to an infertile wife.  We today mine asked me if I was nesting! grr.

Anyway.  I am going to share a couple of pics of my sister.  Because she was absolutely beautiful, and looked like a princess.  Even if she did have a couple of promzilla moments!  You can click on the thumbnails to see larger pictures.