Retrieval

Today is Egg Retrieval.

There's not really a lot to say before retrievel is there?  Jakobe went in this morning to provide his deposit, and my best friend is picking me uyp and being my chauffeur today.  Waaay better than the cab ride home I had planned.

I'll be back to say how it went.

On anothers subject, kinda - when we started the process for this cycle, I asked the RE if I could keep nursing while we were going through it, and he said that it was okay.  there's no real research either way on how it affects outcomes, and whn he's had patients where it was difficult for them to conceive (even with IVF) the first time, he would reccommend that they enjoy the child that they have.  So - that's what we did.  I'm still nursing Niko, but as my hormone levels have gone completely crazy, my nipple have become incredibly sore, and it appears that my milk has mostly dried up.  we'll see what happens when they start to return to normal, but it still may be the beginning of the end.

I feel blessed to have been able to nurse her for almost 16 months at this point, and if this works, we may end up dry nursing for part of the pregnancy and then tandem nursing again later.  Or it doesn't work, and we've had that wonderful relationship, and maybe my milk will come back.  She still likes to nurse 3-5 times a day, it's just been a bit curtailed with all of the early RE appointments.

Summertime

It’s amazing how quickly time passes.  One day flows into the next and then here we are, it’s August. Well, it'll be August in an hour and a half!

I have been enjoying my mommyhood very much.  Every day is slightly different than the last.  It’s a good thing.  We’ve been making an effort to do something interesting (or at least something, period) every day.  I walk, a trip to the park.  My in-laws have been visiting for the last week, so we’ve headed out to the lake every day.  Swimming and barbeque - summer all wrapped up into a nice little package.  When they come, they call themselves the “Nana and Dieda Entertainment Show.”

They left for home this morning.  It’s bittersweet.  We don’t get to see enough of them, and at the same time, at the end of a visit, it feels like we got to see too much of them.  I think that if we could see them more frequently, but for shorter periods, we’d all enjoy one another better.  I wish I could work out a better way to do that, but we all live about 7 hours apart, so frequent visiting is a difficult proposition.  I think we will get to see them a bit more often in the future, as Dieda is retiring the middle of next month.

It always takes Niko a little while to warm up to them when they get here, or we get to them, and I always feel a little bit bad about it, but I can’t see that there’s anything we can really do about it (Skype isn’t really an effective option for a 15 month old, although I can see including it as she gets older.)  Otherwise, this visit was great for her.  she got to spend her days with family, and she got to go swimming at the lake pretty much every day.  That’s heaven for our little water baby.  I could wish that she was a little more cautious around water, but I just keep letting her go under for a bit hoping she realizes that she can’t breathe under there.  (for those without a sense of humor - yes I’m watching, prepared and willing to lift her back up, and no, I won’t let her drown.)

Juggling the demands of extended family is something I’m still trying to work out.  I come from a large, connected family.  Not that my immediate family is huge, but I’m pretty close with most of my aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. as well.  And it’s a family that really believes in being there for eachother.  Jakobe’s family is smaller, farther away, and he has a lot less contact with his extended family.  Most of mine lives within 50 miles of us.

Sometimes we end up doing quite a bit with my family:

• I have a sister who is struggling with an addiction, and has a daughter younger than Niko.
• My parents got divorced two weeks before Jakobe and I married, and my family is still trying to work out how to make that family dynamic work.
• My dad struggles mightily with depression, and is only barely able to take care of himself, as much as we want to wish otherwise.

Recently, my family has been needy.  I know it, and I can wish otherwise.  I've more than once had to drop my plans, and deal with a family crisis (mostly my sister) in the past 3 months.  But - I feel like it’s what family does.  If we needed them, they would be there for us just as fast. Jakobe sometimes feels like I’m being taken advantage of.  That and sometimes I think he wishes I had less(or was not as close to) my family.

I wasn’t quite sure how to deal with his most recent request.  My parents don’t have holidays together anymore, you know, being divorced and all, and Jakobe doesn’t want to do the multiple holiday thing anymore.  I would understand it better if we had been trying to do both holidays on the same day, 50 miles apart, but my mom has been really careful to try and pick a different day to have everyone over to celebrate the holiday with her.  I found it incredibly frustrating that he requested it, as it’s usually only one holiday a year, either Thanksgiving or Christmas (the other one is spent with his family).  My current feeling is “Fine then, you can stay home, and we’ll go.”  Anyone have any insight on how to wiggle my way into a more satisfactory solution? this compromise of him staying home and me doing things without him seems to be expanding by the day.

Niko Update:

In the past couple of months we've been through walking, and we’re really starting to see the beginning of talking.  On Saturday, Niko said her first phrase: “Hi, Daddy!”  I missed it, but I’m so glad that Jakobe didn't.  Mostly what we get from here is the words Juice (synonymous with anything in a sippy cup that isn't milk),  Doggy, and Kitty (which are almost exactly the same (doddi) and meows  - much closer to squeaks, but the squeaks sound a lot closer to what our cat actually sounds like than the word meow does!  She also gave me a kiss completely on her own initiative this week.  Which, since she’s recently been having a reluctance to give mama any kisses at all, seemed like something huge.

Infertility Update:

I’m currently on the pill in preparation for doing another Round of IVF in August.  It will be interesting to see how different it all is financially since Insurance is covering it this time.  I talked to the pharmacy this morning, and then had them run the scrips past my secondary insurance (having been denied by the first because my work doesn't provide infertility coverage) and they were supposed to call me back today, but haven't yet. We're back on the roller coaster... and I wonder what the ride will be like this time.

On the Fist Week of Motherhood

Before I can say anything else, I just have to say, in a tone of utmost wonder I am a mother.

This week has been one of the most amazing weeks of my life. And as a capstone, My baby girl, the most beautiful baby you have ever seen, finished her very first bath... by pooping in her hoodie towel. Okay, maybe not finished, because she had to get back into the bath.

Sleep is a luxury, one that I treasure and don't get anywhere near enough of, but at the same time, there are small joys in the lack of sleep, like a head totally picked up so that a very small face can peer at you in the dark, that are unmatched in my dreams.

Niko was born last Friday, at 10:44 pm. She weighed 8 lbs 2oz, was 20.5 inches long, and had a head circumference of 13.5. for tho9se who care about other details, her apgar scores were 8 and 9 – both knocked down for color. The cord wasn't wrapped around her neck, just over her shoulder and around the rest of her like a boa constrictor. He first mother was a champion. She was induced first thing in the morning, but things didn't move very quickly until they broke her bag of waters at about 6 pm – after her epidural. When it came to pushing, it was all over in one contraction. So – Our daughter was born with a beautiful round head, instead of the common cone-head.

We stayed in the Hospital until late Sunday morning, long enough to avoid worst of the Bloomsday madness downtown. Once we got home, we all got settled in. First Mom was staying with us until we got her milk supply established, because she's pumping and providing breast milk to make up for my very limited production, so we had a room for her, and for her youngest son, so that she could cuddle her baby while she was here. She stayed until Thursday afternoon. In most ways it was great, but I wasn't prepared for the bustle of a bored thr4ee-year-old in my house, and sleeping during the day was just not possible.

Other things we did this week:

• On Monday, we went to court with first Mom while she relinquished their rights to Niko. When she came out of the courtroom I could tell that it was hard for her, but all she did was give me a great big hug, and tell me “She's yours now.”
• 
  
  On Tuesday, we saw the pediatrician, and the lactation consultant for the first time. Both appointments went well, but We learned that I am not all that great at getting Niko to latch correctly, and it was affecting my minimal supply in a negative manner. (I was an excellent student at the brain based stuff – but sports and coordination we not really my forte, and correct latching should be an Olympic sport.) Also – My sister and brother in law came over to visit.
• Wednesday, We didn't do much. My Mom came to visit on her way home from work. Just a lot of practicing and trying to make breastfeeding work better. Plus we were on an every 2 Hour schedule. (from start to start. Wake, feed, supplement, pump, sleep in whatever time was left) The while first family came over for dinner.
• Thursday, First mom went home in the early afternoon. I lent her one of my hospital grade rental pumps to use, instead of a manual pump. Hopefully it works better for her, and helps her out when she goes back to work. Thursday Night the whole family came back – So the dads could talk about one of their hobbies. Honestly – I just wanted to sleep.
• Friday, back to the lactation consultant. I'm still only makking about ½ an ounce of milk per feeding, but – I no longer have to pump in the middle of the night, and I have learned how to use the lact-aid, so w can breastfeed and supplement at the same time, and it should help my supply more than the breast pump did. My best friend and her finacee came over for our normal friday get-together, and he made us dinner. I love them!
  (...pause to feed the baby, and maybe run errands)

Note – that pause lasted 4 days. So, I figured that I had better post this while I have a moment.

Dollars and $ense of family building

Click on the picture to see the
other responses

This was started over at Write Mind Open Heart, and it's a conversation that we all need to be aware of.  The added costs of family building when it comes to Infertility and Adoption are not a laughing manner, and neither is how we will explain these things to our children and how they will feel about them.Some of these questions I have to answer from a hypothetical perspective, because I don't know all of my answers or my journey yet.  I thought that this would be an appropriate opening post for my National Infertility Awareness Week Blogging.

Consider your now or future children as adults, and consider the fact that you had to spend money to either conceive them or make them part of your family. What effect do you think the latter will have on the former one day? What, do you think, your grown children might feel about the funds it took to create your family?

I hope that they're not bothered by it, and I hope to instill the belief that we loved them and wanted them so much that we went all out in the attempt to be their parents. 

How did/would you handle it if your child asks you, “Mom, how much did I cost?” How would you answer at age 7? At age 18?

I would be honest, but try to couch it in terms that make sense to them given their age.  And try to remind them that we didn't go out to the store and buy them, we went to the doctor and paid him to help us.  So, to a 7 year old, it might be along the lines of an awful lot, and maybe a dollar figure, but something to make it real and to a child on the cusp of adulthood - I'd probably compare it to the amount it costs to buy a new car.

When calculating the costs of your family building, what do you include? The direct costs are easy (such as RE fees for a cycle or homestudy fees), but what about fees that didn’t directly lead to your child’s existence in your life, such as cycles that didn’t work, adoption outreach avenues that didn’t work, failed adoptions, avenues that were explored (and that cost something) but not pursued, etc.?

So far I'm including all of the costs.  Medications, supplements, testing, marital counseling, cycles that didn't work, everything.  Why, because that is the cost of us building our family.  It's not just the cost of a single cycle, because we should learn from the failed ones and hopefully make the next try better.  On the other hand - I'm not counting the costs of snacks at support group meetings, or the cost f gas to drive around....  or - even - the cost of ice cream.

If two children in a family “cost” different amounts, should that have any significance?

No.  Because it's not a measure of a child, it's the measure of the amount of help that we needed to bring that child into our family.

To what extent have finances determined the family-building decisions you have made? How have you able to balance financial considerations against other factors such as medical, ethical, emotional…?

Finances have played a big role.  We really didn't want to go deeper into debt to start our family.  So we spent a year of instituting austerity measures at home to help us pay more out of pocket for our treatments.  We chose to participate in a type of shared risk plan because we knew that we couldn't afford to try again if the first attempt failed, at least not soon after, and we wanted to make sure that we would have a good chance at a family.  In many cases, We put some of our emotional heath on the back burner to our financial health, waiting put strains on our marriage, and strains on our emotions that we weren't really prepared for.  Mostly because although I'm the one who wanted to save first, I'm also the one who was impatient.

Has institutional and governmental support for certain family-building paths impacted your choices? For example, ART being covered by insurance, tax deductions for adoption expenses, etc.

No treatments were covered by our insurance, and there is nothing in our state that required that they do so.  The only way that the outside entities affected our decisions is that they made family building harder for us.

Have you considered having ART treatments abroad, either due to lower cost or due to certain methods being unavailable or illegal in your own country? In your decision-making, how did you balance the financial savings against issues like the unknowns of the country, perhaps not speaking the language, and medical practices that may differ from those of your home country? If you did travel abroad for treatments, what was your experience? Would you do it again?

Right now, I'm not comfortable with it.  Probably because I haven't traveled that much myself, and because I couldn't conceive of a way for us to go out of country for ART and keep our jobs.  Will I consider it in the future - I hope I don't have to, and I think that it's farther than Jakobe is willing to go.

Pushing Through

This morning sucked.  I managed to write my short post, and to write out a quick post to Facebook, because my extended family know just about everything, and it's easier than having to tell people.  Then Jakobe and I went to a little diner we like and I drank 3 cups of coffee and ate way too much breakfast!  We stopped by to see my mom and sister, who both work in the same place.  My sister had called me all excited and hopeful for me this morning, and she was going to call me back about lunch time...  it was easier to tell her face to face.  They cried for us - and I cried a little bit more.

After that we came home, and I was very glad to have something to do to occupy myself (besides my homework, which I also got done and e-mailed to the Prof. because I don't feel like going to class tonight.) and that was to put together the patio set my mother-in-law bought us me for my graduation present.  It was kind of fun, and definitely good for me to have something to do with my hands.

Besides, you can see my pot of rhubarb behind the chair.  It seems to be dealing well with being dug up and put in a pot, and I've got strawberries on the way!

I've seen that there are a lot of questions about if we can transfer tomorrow - the Dr.'s office has stopped doing day 6 transfers because they have found that they have a higher success rate with vitrifying the embryos on day 6 and putting them back on Day 5 of a different cycle.  Something about that being when the endometrium is best prepared for them.  I know that they've got very very exacting rules, and that some of these are new policies there.  I'm hoping it's because they've learned what works the best in their clinic.  As it is, I know that in many other clinics we would have had a transfer today.  

Right now - I'm at home.  My tummy is a bit upset (probably from the coffee, which I don't usually drink anyway, but had this morning because I could)  I've written this post.  I'll probably eat some ice cream.  I may also try to read some of your blogs.

I am so glad that there's a support group meeting tomorrow.  Maybe I can get the last of my crying done there.

**Note:  I think that tomorrow will be the last day of my giveaway, seeing as that will be the last post in this IVF cycle.**

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Killing time - and Procrastination

I was supposed to be doing homework today.  Instead, I haven't gotten out of my PJs, and I have been doing stuff around the House.

• I made Belgian Waffles for Jakobe - cause that's what he wanted for breakfast.
• I spent hours and hours retouching the photo's I too of my little sister in her prom dress yesterday.
• We rigged a new center support system for our bad - it's awesome.  I don't think that bed was meant for a a memory foam mattress, and it needed more support. 
• We re-arranged the bedroom
• I cleaned (and really cleaned, the bedroom we re-arranged, and went through all of my dresser drawers.  They were a really big mess.)
• I did some laundry.
• I made a loaf of banana bread.
• I'm writing a blog entry.

You see where I'm going with this.  Not that most of this stuff didn't need to get done.  But - None of it was my homework.  I have senioritis, combined with being in a mentally fucked up bad place right now.  It sucks.

And then - there was a question on a blog about what your husband shouldn't day to an infertile wife.  We today mine asked me if I was nesting! grr.

Anyway.  I am going to share a couple of pics of my sister.  Because she was absolutely beautiful, and looked like a princess.  Even if she did have a couple of promzilla moments!  You can click on the thumbnails to see larger pictures.

 

'twas the night before retrieval...

And all through the house, every creature was hoping, even the mouse.
(okay, there better not be mice in my house...  the cat's supposed to take care of that - but what else easily rhymes with house?)

Today the Dr said it looks like I may have a couple on the left that make it.  In any case, here we are - the night before, and I'm excited, and nervous, and not absolutely sure what tomorrow has in store for us.

The trigger last night was not bad at all - it didn't sting like the lo-dose at all.  I woke Jakobe up to do his part - and well, he chickened out.  So once I was done, and I told him that I hardly even felt it, it didn't hurt, a completely incredulous look cam over his face and he told me " what are you talking about - it hurt me, and I'mm across the room holding onto the cat!"

Today went well.  I guess I should say that even with not responding that well, I can sooo feel my right ovary (it aches), and the ultrasound this morning graduated past minor discomfort into hurt territory, but not a lot.

First trip to the RE in the morning is at 7:45, then home for showers, and then pick up my best friend (Jakobe want's moral support while he's waiting, and then he wants to go have lunch with *his* best friend) and back to the clinic at 11 for the retrieval at noon.

In completely unrelated news - My uncle showed up to visit this weekend without warning, so now we've got a family potluck Saturday afternoon - as well the fact that I promised to take the individual and couple pictures for my youngest sister and her friends for their Prom!

Updated labs from Yesterday:

• Estrogen: 891
• Progesterone: 1.4
• LH: 5.3

And today:

• Follies:  Left 14, 13, 13, ???  I think  Right 3x >20 and a couple of small ones...
• Estrogen: 1150
• Beta: 69 (to make sure that I did the trigger right...  Guess I did.)
• Lining: 9.5

The Fish and the Egg

I went out to my sister's house today, because we were going to look at and possibly buy a recliner for my dad that I found on craigslist in her town.  He has really needed one, and the furniture in his apartment is undersized for him, uncomfortable, and just not right.  Turns out that the recliner we found for him was just perfect, so we bought it, and then took it to his house as an early birthday present.  And then - we couldn't get in because my sister didn't have her key, and he was gone to Montana for the day to go on a date (Go Dad!!!)  Sis called him up when he got home and they brought it up for him.  He loves it.

Also - today I got to explain IVF to my nephew - after my sister told me "He knows about the egg and the fish."  Mostly because this was the second time in the past couple of weeks that he asked me if I wanted a baby.  I said yes, and then he asked how people get babies.  So the discussion involved how people only usually have one egg at a time, but I was going to the doctor so that I could make lots of eggs (Nephew: "there was this dog, and it had lots of babies, so it had lots off eggs." Me: "Kinda like that, but I'm not going to have lots of babies, only one or two.")  And then how the doctor was going to take all the eggs out of my tummy with a needle, and then put Jakobe's fish in the egg with another smaller needle, and then watch to see which ones grow the best, and then put only two of them back.  I don't know that he'll remember the conversation, but it was interesting to try and explain.  And I can just imagine the mental imagery.


{Begin bitch session}

My cousin is pregnant again.  The one who has 3 girls, and whose husband didn't want any more kids because they're walking a financial tightrope as it is.  The one who just has to look at him funny and gets knocked up.  The one who told my sister she should just have another one now so that they could be pregnant together.  Yeah.  It makes me so angry, and sad, and jealous.  I am not rational about this.  But even my sister, her best friend, thinks that this was not probably the best move she could have made - and she did it on purpose.

Enough whining and bitching on my part.  I think.

Anyway - still waiting for maintenance to start, still spotting, still cramping, and still not getting to have sex with Jakobe.  Grr.  (Shit, I forgot I was done whining.)  So there's no further movement on the IVF front.  Just more hurry-up-and-wait.  My new schedule at work starts tomorrow, so I don't have to be there until 8:30.  It's going to be a bit strange going to work that late, but it's better than using up more of my non-existant sick time (I've been sick a lot this year).

Sisters

Note:  I have 3 sisters, but one of them is significantly younger.  This post doesn't deal with her - and may read like there are only the three of us older girls.  This is more because the relationships between us older girls are very different that the relationship that any of us have with the youngest than because I was deliberately trying to leave her out.

Last night was a family birthday party, and it started off great...mostly.  But my sister's have a bit of a problem - they can only talk about serious emotional stuff when they're kind of drunk.  As there have been a lot of things recently that are very very emotionally difficult - so, that's what happened after pretty much everyone went home.

Is it appropriate for me to say that I hate it when that happens.  For whatever reason, although I can be reluctant to talk about stuff (we're all much more likely to shove it down and deal with the fallout later - or just not talk about it) I can talk about it, and trying to have a serious emotional conversation with someone who is drunk is very very difficult - and they don't listen - so in the long run, I'm not sure that it helps them.  It does help us to realize how much help they need.  It was uncomfortable and unhappy and I found myself yelling at one of my sisters, just trying to be heard - because she was blaming herself for things that she could not have predicted, and/or had no control over.

On a related subject- beyond that, we're all basically infertile.  The difference is that one of my sisters (Nicole) has a child - and he wasn't intended.  Until the other two of us started trying to have kids, she was happy with her one son - and really still is.  She would like to have another one, around the same age as our kids, if we have kids.  To that end - she apparently stopped preventing pregnancy a year ago. (She and her husband never prevented before my nephew was born, and he's almost 7, but those five years it was pretty much because she was a dumb teenager, not because she was trying.)  I don't know why she stopped preventing when we found out that we couldn't - Maybe because my other sister (Meg) was still trying.

part of me gets stuck there.  What if she had gotten pregnant in this last year?  What if while the other two of us were struggling with our private griefs she had gotten pregnant.  We obviously would have been very happy for her, but at the same time, I think part of me would have been devastated.  I have been very lucky throughout our infertility.  Most of our friends are past the having children part of their lives, and most of my family hasn't started yet - and we had a grace period (it's just now ending).

In any case, both because Nicole has a child, and because it doesn't seem like she cares that much if she has another one, it seems like she doesn't really understand.  I know that I can't understand exactly what Meg and her husband have gone through - recurrent loss is different that being unable to get pregnant at all, but I think I'm closer to understanding than Nicole is.

So, after all of the other emotional crap of the evening, Nicole started giving Meg advice, how if money is an issue, they should just pursue foster-adopt.  I jumped in there a little bit, because I know that my biggest problem with foster-adopt isn't that it's a bad idea - just that I don't think I could handle having a child placed with me, and then losing that child.  That foster-adopt carries really big emotional risks.  And when I told Nicole that - she just said to Meg, you could handle it, if you really want kids.

Dammit - the question isn't whether you *can* handle something.  It's whether you choose to put yourself in that situation to get that hurt. It's whether you should *have* to.

Nicole also won't accept that either Meg or I may choose to not have kids.  Yes, it's what we want, but at some point, I think, the pain of trying outweighs the joy of possibilities.  She specifically said that she was worrying about us not "following-through" and in my case she didn't mean not doing IVF - because she knows we're going ahead with that, but more that we might not keep trying  until it works if it doesn't work.  I don't all that not following through, I call that knowing my limits, and accepting that something wasn't meant to be.  I call that knowing that I can't tolerate trying for 10 more years, using all of our savings trying, not having a life, and still failing, over and over again.  At some point, if it doesn't work - I have to let go.

I don't think that she sees that at some point not trying anymore is better and healthier that beating our heads against a brick wall.  Just don't tell me I'm not following through - there are no guarantees, and I not going to make myself keep trying long after I feel like it just hurts to damn much.  I don't know where that line is - but I'm pretty sure that it's out there somewhere.

Anniversary

And a good one at that - two years ago today I got to marry the most wonderful man ever.  I may bitch and complain about him from time to time, but I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world.  He is my one and only.

To celebrate - I'll share a couple of pictures of us from that day.

Trusting in Justice and other news

First - the sad news:  it doesn't look like the adoption thing is going to work out for my sister.  A friend of her husband's family had become unintentionally pregnant and was planning to give the baby up for adoption, and her aunt suggested my sister and her husband.  Unfortunately, there's been no follow-up, so it's looking a lot less likely.

Second - a short version of why becoming insta-parents of a teenager would be the best way to solve a situation:  My youngest sister is 17, and her living situation right now is not the best.   Not terrible, but not good either.  Since my parent's separation and divorce 3 years ago, she's been shuffling around to friends houses, and is now currently living with her boyfriend.  I blame this mostly on my parents.  My mom - who left in such a way that my sister hardly spoke to her for almost a year, and my dad - who fell into such a deep depression that he lost his house, struggled to find work, and ended up living in the basement of one of my other sisters for 2 years. In any case - she's not going to school regularly, and living with her boyfriend and his parents isn't the best solution.  We would love for her to live with us, but she doesn't want to move and leave her friends.  So - not happening, yet at least.


Finally - to come back to the title of this post.  On New Year's Day, a young woman I'm very close to was violently raped.  For a while we weren't sure if the authorities would be able to do anything, even though she knew her attacker, and went to the hospital almost right away.  Turns out - he was arrested on Tuesday, and bail was set at $75,000 yesterday.  It's nice to see that the justice system is working.  Now I just have to trust that it keeps working.

Happy Holidays

So I know I've been pretty absent around here, and I would promise to change my ways, but I don't want to make a liar out of myself.

The holidays can be difficult. They really haven't been bad for me in the past, but the extended family christmas to night was great, and it sucked. Why does everyone have to ask you when you're going to have kids.. or why you dont.

My cousin, who I haven't seen since Jakobe and I started dating was the one with the questions, plus, she's a holistic health professional, who felt like she could tell me that she could fix everything and make it all right infour months. Doesn't she know, hope kills. I can hardly deal with the amount of hope that IVF is giving us at the moment, and to go haring of on another goose chase is most likely not in our best interests. I'm just copming back to myself again, and it's hard.

Back to the problems with the party. There's a great big group of everyone else's kids running around underfoot, which is how it's shupposed to be. But - all my cousins are younger than I am because I'm basically the oldest of my generation. And my uncle was showing off his new baby over skype... I'm jealous, and I feel like crap about it. And my sister has this great opportunity to adopt a baby, and I'm so happy for her if it's what she wants, because I want her to be happy, but at the same time, I'm a little sad for me, and I feel like a bad person, like a bad sister.

Anyway, that's my holiday bitching. There's lots of other crap going on, and If things work out for the best, wde might become insta-parents of a teenager, but it's all craziness that I can get into later. Let me leave you all with these thoghts. Happy Holidays, merry Christams. Good Jul, and may some of our wishes find a way to become realities.

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Latest News

So, life is good over here at the Yak Hotel.  Jakobe and I went to our first local support group meeting.  It's kind-of cute - He get's very talkative when in new situations.  I think it's how he covers up nervousness.  Everyone there was very nice, and even though I think that they sometimes said some things that may have scared the crap out of Jakobe, overall it was a good experience.  I know I'll be going back. 

We're still waiting to come up with the money that we need but I think we'll be trying to get him in for a follow up SA here in the near future.  I've noticed some changes, so I'm thinking that maybe there's something different going on.  Here's to being hopeful (but not too hopeful - it sucks to have them dashed on the cold concrete of reality.)

On the money front - I got the ball rolling on refinancing our house today, we won't be taking any money out, but there's also no appraisal and no closing costs and we'll be going from a 30-year fixed to a 20-year fixed and we'll still have lower payments than before.  It makes me really excited, and it's one of the best financial opportunities that has come our way in a while.  There's a small part of me that wishes I could convince myself to go with another 30-year, and have dramatically lower payments (all the faster to save for IVF), but the truth is that I do have to think long term, and this is the best choice for us.
I thought I had all the details worked out in our IVF savings plan - but August ended up being a bit of a hiccup...  We needed to fix the air-conditioning (the heat was making Jakobe blood sugars go scary low - and we didn't know what was causing it) and we need to pick up an new prescription, so that was another $7-800 in unusual expenses, before you through a vacation into the pot.  We're not doing terrible, and we'll recoup most of it in the month that we don't have a house payment, but it's time to return to fiscal discipline.   That is going to be hard.  I've been paying attention to the Fearlessly Frugal Project over at Fearlessly Infertile  - and I'm thinking about trying something similar - but without taking away our allowances - I would have a revolt on my hands.  I can't cut everything out in september, because we have tickets to Cirque du Soleil, but I can try and really cut back.  It's just to easy to blow money a little bit here and a little bit there.

So - that's the news...

And Then...

I discovered Jakobe's most recent blog post.

It just about made me cry...again.  But this time, in a good way.

Little Swimmers

Nope - not what you're thinking.  This is me venting at all of you - just a little bit.  Jakobe and I got an e-mail from his mother the other morning, that just had to have it's own post, because it's that special.  (Note: when we told them about our infertility, we specifically asked that they support us, but that we were dealing with it in our own way, and that advice, recommendations, etc. are not what we want - We have Doctor's for that,  so please don't.)

In any case - this is what was waiting in our email in-boxes this morning:

Hi,

One of my little swimmers, Ava, is just turning 3 years old.  Her mom is looking to get pregs again and tells me that Ava was conceived IVO because hubby is a diabetic and took an ACE inhibitor to "protect" his kidneys.  He thus developed fertility issues.  Almost All of their fertility costs have been paid by that pharmaceutical company.  They said that the State of Hawaii insisted the manufacturer paid.  She is trying to find out if the same laws are on the books here in Washington -- however, they are applying to the manufacturer again for the costs of baby #2. 

Since I had not heard of this before, I thought to share her info as it might be a source of funding for you too.

love,

MOM

I just don't know what to do with this.  Her heart is in the right place, but at the same time, I'm worried that it's the beginning of the deluge.  She's not very good at respecting boundaries.

Good Advice

My sisters are all younger than I am, but that doesn't mean that I ignore them, especially when they're giving really excellent advice.  Meg had some for me on Saturday, and I'm trying (albeit unsuccessfully) to take it more to heart.

For a little bit of background, my sister Meg is here on infertility island with us - over at RPL Bay, and she's been here about a year longer than I have.  In truth it's as much observation on her part as it is advice, but Here's my best approximation.

She thinks that part of our struggle is because I'm so goal oriented, and if I want something I make a plan, and figure out the steps needed to get there.  In terms of TTC, this meant that when we actually started trying, I jumped in headfirst.  Non of that easy, we won't prevent for a while and we'll see what happens for me.  I started charting, and planning, and generally doing my damnedest to get knocked up as fast as possible.  Some of that was fear, because I knew that things were probably not going to be as easy as they might have been because of my endometriosis.  Part of that was expediency - the endo makes having periods miserable, and I was sure that being off the pill was going to suck, I'd actually had a year an a half of periods that *didn't* suck.

Now that I've filled you in on my attitude, and my excuses explanations, we can get to her advice/commentary. She thinks that part of the reason that Jakobe may feel threatened by the idea of kids (yep, he thinks that he might lose me to the child, and I wouldn't have time for him anymore) is because I've been so focused on having them.  That maybe I've made him feel a bit like a means to an end.  That I should back off, and give him space.  That maybe what we need is some time to try living just the way we are.  And she might be right.

But...

...I'm 30.
...I don't want to miss out because we waited too long.
...I need to know what we choose so that I can do the right thing by my body.
...I can't seem to make myself stop wanting.
...I don't know how to let go of goals/dreams easily.
...I want that piece of *us* to carry us in to the future.
...I want to see Jakobe and our child together, someday.
...I want to try.

Fishing

I've had several posts running around my brain, kind-of unformed and diaphanous, so I'm going to try seeing if just getting off my ass (or sitting down) and writing something out helps me create coherent thoughts.

I went fishing with my sisters on Saturday night while Jakobe played Dawn of War in the man-cave with the guys.  It was a great evening for me.  I forget how much I actually like fishing, how relaxing it is to cast my line into the river over and over, and to reel it back in.  The fish were jumping, and they were gorgeous.  I could see the flashes of silver and pink as they flew over the water before splashing back in.  I didn't catch anything, and I didn't even get a good bite.  It wasn't a problem though, because the fishing was worth it, and paying for a one day fishing license for only 2 hours was also worth it.

While I was out there, I wanted to catch a fish, and I spent my time actively trying to catch a fish.  I could see them jumping right in front of me, teasing me, and I knew that I just didn't have the right tools to catch the fish that were out there, but I kept trying anyway.  I tried while the people I came with caught several fish.  I never really gave up hope, and tried several different techniques, but I had no luck.  I had a blast. I didn't care that I hadn't caught any fish, because I had fun trying.

There's a lesson in that for me.  I need to remember to enjoy the journey.  Infertility and family building are like fishing - you're going to spend a fair amount of money and time, and who knows if you're going to have any success while you're at it, but you have to remember to enjoy the time you spend living, because none of it is wasted.

Not-Quite-Wordless Wednesday: Fourth of July Weekend

My nephew lost his first tooth - it took 45 minutes of concerted effort on his part.

Meg's adorable dog was doing well after his encounter with a truck..  He's in for surgery to repair his dislocated hip this week.

I got to see my grandparents:  and now you get to see my grandfather!

And - I took pictures of fireworks that I just have to share with everyone.

Wordless Wednesday: Curiosity

Long weekend

It was a great deal of fun - we loved camping.  I don't have a whole lot to say - other than I'm extremely excited because Jakobe had a good time - and I think I'll be able to get back to one of my favorite hobbies - the Society for Creative Anachronism (check it out at www.sca.org).  Other than that - I may update you all more later - but I thought I'd share a couple of photos from the weekend.