All around the mulberry bush...

I wrote a whole post about how my marriage is falling apart, and we're doing IVF anyway, but decided that it was too depressing, and rambling and not at all funny.  Given the subject, I wonder why...

SO on the sunnier side of things.  My meds are here, I had my first cycle ultrasound this morning, and I think I had 10 antral follicles.(I'll get more accurate numbers when the nurse calls with my labs later today.)

I'm on a microdose Lupron flare protocol again this time, because it worked pretty well the last time. 

I'm feeling relaxed, and positive about this cycle.  Not positive as in I'm sure it's going to work (I'm thinking we're probably throwing money into a pit - it might throw up a baby in return, but it'll probably grin and belch instead) but positive as in, this is going to be okay.

Just to fill you in on details - and there's a bunch because I haven't been posting as frequently as I meant to.

My last Day 3 labs - May 9th:

• Estradiol 41.9
• FSH 7.6 
• LH 3.5
• FSH/LH ratio 2.1:1
• TSH 1.22

My first labs from this cycle (before I stopped the BCP) - August 6th

• Estradiol: 27.6
• Progrsterone: 0.3
• LH 3.5

Jakobe's Semen Analysis - end of July, results received August 7th

• Total Count: 17 Million
• Morphology: 3% (strict)
• Motile Percentage: 18%
• Motile count: 3 Million
• 100% lack good forward progression

So - not a whole lot has changed since our last cycle almost 2 years ago - You know, other than my eggs getting older and more stale.  I'll post today's lab values a bit later.

One quick comment about the thing that makes this whole process a lot less stressful:

Isn't she adorable?

Almost a year

Where are those eggs again?

I have started to write a post about the last year several times. It all comes down to “What Is the right thing to say?”

It has been wonderful, exhilarating, exhausting, and every other thing that you can think of that might describe new parenthood (Sleep-deprived, messy, stinky, surprising, and fantastic also included.)

In the last year Niko has changed so much. And - so have we. in little ways. I will never win the housekeeper of the year award, and having a baby around has not helped my struggle in that department. I might be able to keep my house neat -- if we got rid of all of the stuff in it.

In the last week, she has started dancing when she heard music (okay, bouncing) gotten new teeth, and is standing more and more. She’s already taken a few steps, but she’s not yet actively walking. She’s a miracle.

Nope, not a runny nose,  potato salad!

For me, the adjustment wasn't as difficult as I thought it might be, even though I still don’t get to sleep through the night. This is courtesy of my internal granola tendencies (I’m a cloth diapering, breastfeeding, co-sleeping momma). I took a new job only a week or so after I got back from maternity leave, and it required a lot of overtime at the beginning, and has completely changed my work environment. but - it was good for me, and my future prospects, so I’m not going to complain about it. I’ve always been one for taking on too much.

We’re in a bit of limbo right now. I think I have to stop breastfeeding soon. I don’t want to, Niko doesn’t want to, but I’m pretty sure our RE will want me to. (and I may only cut back). We’re getting back on the roller coaster. It’s a bit crazy, because we’re pretty broke right now, but it is what it is. Jakobe’s insurance started covering IVF this year, so we have insurance coverage, and a credit with the RE. AND - if we have a second child, I would like them to be close in age, close enough to play together, and be friends, and to have shared experiences. Oh yeah, and not have to start diapers again after we finish with the first.

My Better Judgement

It's been one of those weeks.  And I have to admit that I did it to myself, because, you see, I was a week late.  I haven't been temping becasue we're not exactly trying while we wait to do IVF, just having sex whaen we feel like it, and I didn't need the added stress.  What I seem to forget is that even though I can guess when I ovulate pretty accurately (I weven told Jakobe that I didn't think that I'd be startign my period until the end of this week) that doesn't mean that some part of me isn't thinking:  I'm a week late.  What if I was wrong, and those weren't ovulation painns I was feeling.  What if I get to have one of those miracle pregnancies that happen  to peopel when they're "Not trying."  What if I take a pregnancy test.  I've got about a million of them, just sitting in the closet, collecting dust.  That wouldn't hurt, would it.  I mean I could be pregnant, right?  It's not completely impossible...

Except it is practically impossible, and it wasn't going to happen.  So, I thought about writing a blog post, asking if I should just take a pregnancy test, and get it out of my mind.  But then it felt like admitting that maybe, just maybe I could be pregnant, and if I said it aloud (or typed it) I'd be jinxing it, and then AF would come and I'd just have write again about how mistaken my hopes were.  Because, of course.  AF is on it's way.  I'm cramping, and spotting, and really starting to hurt. 

And I hurt emotionally too.  I feel like I am so far away from children actually being real.  I'm so scared of spending all of our money and ending up destitute (and childless to boot). 

So - I expect that I'll get up in the morning, and I'll take some pain medicine, and I'll head off to work, and I won't admit amy more than I've done right here, that yet again, I let myself hope, against my better judgement, and my better judgement knew what it was talking about.

Uncertainty

It's hard to know exactly how I'm feeling right now.  Jakobe was really upset earlier today.  he is worried about the amount of money we are going to be spending on IVF and I can't say that I blame him.  At the same time, I am very irritated with him for a couple of reasons.  One, that he didn't bring up his money concerns until now.  I feel a little bit blindsided.  And two, that he has left all the money matter in what he calls my capable hands, but he doesn't trust me to do it right and keep us from gettting into trouble.  It is a lot of money,and we are behond where I hoped to be at this point, ut at the same time I don't think that it is way beyond our means or that we'll be making a big mistake.

I just don't know.  I don't think I can wait much longer than we had planned and keep my sanity.  Infertility is already costing us so much on an emotional level that i don't want those costs to continue to add up and then pile the costs of actually trying on top of them.  Instead of feeling like this obstacle is bringing us closer together, I feel like it'S turning into a wedge.  I find myself thinking that Jakobe doesn't want to have sex anymore because it won't have a chance of resulting in pregnancy...  or that he's thinking that he's lucked out and found a way to give me the kids I want without having to have sex.  And I know these thing are not true...  but I think them sometimes anyway.

I want to be past this, I want to know if it worked or if it didn't,  I want to leave all of this uncertainty and longing and fear behind,  I want to go back to a world where we don't have to fight so hard for each scrap of happiness.

Blogoversary

A year ago today I wrote my first blog post here.  I thought that this space was going to be something I could use to share my recipes, and post photographs, and try and find my creative side again.

A year ago today, I was not so happily dealing with the fact that I still wasn't pregnant, and feeling like a failure because what I wanted was a baby, it just wasn't something I seemed to be able to do.


A year ago today, I didn't really have any idea of what the next year had in store for me.

Today, this blog has become a touchstone for me, and is very different than what I pictured.  There have been recipes, and photographs, and occasionally some writing that I'm really proud of.  There have also been tears, and fear, and facing some of the biggest dragons of my life - and because of this blog, and the people who are out there reading it, I wasn't alone.

Today I look back at the me of a year ago, and I wish I could tell her:

You are strong enough for what life has handed you.  It's okay to be afraid and disappointed, because that's certainly going to happen.  and it's okay to feel let down, and to shake your fist at the gods and ask "Why me?"

As alone as you may feel, you're not, because Jakobe is there - trying to hold you up and you will return the favor, because you can always lean on the people in your life, and because the travelers on this road with you know how bumpy and rutted the path is - they've skinned their knees as they've fallen - but together dust yourselves off and take the next steps.

Today, I'm trying to find my way out of the depression that has stolen much of my energy over the last couple of months.  I can look back at my blogging and see where I started to spiral away from myself.  Coming back here to write is maybe one of the first signs that the medication is starting to work, and that I am returning to myself again.  I won't lie, this has been hard, and I'm not always good at it, but I am a better, richer, more loved, and more aware person than I was, a year ago today.

Fishing

I've had several posts running around my brain, kind-of unformed and diaphanous, so I'm going to try seeing if just getting off my ass (or sitting down) and writing something out helps me create coherent thoughts.

I went fishing with my sisters on Saturday night while Jakobe played Dawn of War in the man-cave with the guys.  It was a great evening for me.  I forget how much I actually like fishing, how relaxing it is to cast my line into the river over and over, and to reel it back in.  The fish were jumping, and they were gorgeous.  I could see the flashes of silver and pink as they flew over the water before splashing back in.  I didn't catch anything, and I didn't even get a good bite.  It wasn't a problem though, because the fishing was worth it, and paying for a one day fishing license for only 2 hours was also worth it.

While I was out there, I wanted to catch a fish, and I spent my time actively trying to catch a fish.  I could see them jumping right in front of me, teasing me, and I knew that I just didn't have the right tools to catch the fish that were out there, but I kept trying anyway.  I tried while the people I came with caught several fish.  I never really gave up hope, and tried several different techniques, but I had no luck.  I had a blast. I didn't care that I hadn't caught any fish, because I had fun trying.

There's a lesson in that for me.  I need to remember to enjoy the journey.  Infertility and family building are like fishing - you're going to spend a fair amount of money and time, and who knows if you're going to have any success while you're at it, but you have to remember to enjoy the time you spend living, because none of it is wasted.

Oops...

I knew we were doing *something* wrong...

Anyway, XKCD is one of my favorite web comics and this one was particularly apt, so head on over there if you want...  It's terribly geeky and a lot of fun.

A year and a day

It's a little bit of a stretch to call it a year and a day, but it seems right.  One year ago Jakobe and I were starting on this journey.  We had thrown out the pills and were waiting (not so patiently) for our honeymoon.  We'd been married for 5 months, and were splitting the difference between how long I wanted to wait to start trying for a family (not at all) and how long he wanted to wait (one year).  Part of me was hoping that my worries and fears about my ability to get pregnant were unfounded - and we'd have a honeymoon baby.  I was hoping that my endometriosis hadn't screwed things up, but I felt like I was prepared for it to take a while. That was my whole argument for moving up the timetable: It probably won't happen right away or easily, so even if we start early we probably won't be pregnant before the 1 year mark anyway.  I really wanted to prove myself wrong.

I was happy and excited.  The idea of us starting a family that was larger than the two of us make me very happy.  I was tired of waiting, and thought that even if it wasn't easy, it wouldn't be that hard.  I went out and got a short term disability policy at work, confident that it would pay for itself even it it took us a year to conceive.

What has followed is a year of ups and downs.  I spent months hoping that I was pregnant, eating carefully, not drinking for two weeks a month, taking pregnancy tests from about 10-11 DPO onward.  Jakobe says that I spent the last part of every cycle looking like someone had kicked my puppy as I came to grudgingly accept that I wasn't pregnant, yet again.

In the middle of all of this, Jakobe was diagnosed with Diabetes.  and not just type two, you need to watch what you eat diabetes, but Insulin-dependent, give yourself 4 or more shots a day, and watch what you eat diabetes.  The kind that comes with lots of risks: short term ones like low blood sugar, and ketoacidosis, and long term ones like heart disease, stroke, and losing the feeling in your extremities.  Saying all of that makes it sound terrible, but it wasn't that bad.  He got right on top of it, and has it so under control that his doctor is very pleased with him every time he sees us.  We deal with the lows as they come, and even those are usually few and far between (except this weekend - he was low a lot!).

Then, after the holidays, when I was considering a laparoscopy because uncontrolled endo sucks, I asked Jakobe to get a SA.  I thought that we should know that there wasn't anything on his end to deal with before using up the post-lap fertility boost.  And we got knocked down again.

In some ways, it's been easier for me since we found out.  I don't spend every month hoping that I might be pregnant (at least I don't seriously entertain the thought), so I don't test, and I don't worry about making sure that I don't have a drink or two, and I think I get the "Kicked puppy" look a little less often.  BUT - It's also been harder.  I feel responsible for making Jakobe feel like it's all his fault.  I don't feel that way, in fact to some extent, I feel like it's my fault for wanting kids too so much.

One year later, and we're back to waiting, and wondering if it's something that will happen for us, at some time in the future.

Working on patience

It seems like the one constant in this IF journey is the need to be patient.  Every cycle – if you’re trying, you wait to ovulate, and then you end up waiting to test, or waiting for AF to show.  Then there’s all the other waiting.  You make an appointment with the doctor, and wait for the appointment, you wait for your HSG, and then you wait for the results.  You wait (and abstain) for a SA, and then – even if you get the results quickly, you wait for someone to tell you that it’s not as bad as it looks…  but it is.  Then you wait to see another doctor.

Can you tell we’ve been doing a lot of waiting?  Right now I’m waiting for our appointment to see the RE next week.  I can’t help but hope that it won’t be as bad as we think it will be.  With our luck, it will be.  We got the clinic’s estimate of our insurance coverage in the mail on Tuesday and just as I thought.  No coverage for me (Payment is due at the time of service), and for Jakobe, testing only.  I’m pretty sure that means that they’ll pay for the SAs from here on out.  It will help, just a little.

In the meanwhile, we wait.

Dreams

Last night, I dreamed a positive pregnancy test.  I’ve never done that before.  I just kept looking at it, disbelieving. It was kind of dark when I was looking at it, but there was very definitely a second line. 

I've been struggling all day with what else I can say about this, but I can’t even really determine how I feel about it.  I want to have hope.  I want to believe in miracles.part of me thinks that it would be the height of irony to get a completely random, unexpected BFP in the week before we see the RE.  

It's not gonna happen.  But I still want to hope.

Mind Tricks

First off – It’s completely unfair to have IPS on a cycle when you’re pretty damn sure that you chances of getting pregnant are pretty much nil.  I’ve got to pee constantly, and my breasts are sore.  But – I’ve had these symptoms before, and so I don’t think I’m pregnant.  There’s just a tiny part of me that wants to hope.  The rest of me knows better.  So here I am.  Not hoping, and wishing that this cycle would finish, and time would pass quickly so that we can get in to see the RE, and develop a plan.

Besides - the only thing we're doing differently right now is that Jakobe is no longer taking his Lisinopril.  Admittedly, it's a change, but I don't know how much effect it would have on his swimmers in this short a period of time.  Other than being bothered by the completely irrational, pointless symptoms that probably just mean that I had a good ovulation this month, there's very little going on when it comes to our attempts to have a child of our own.  We wait.

You think we'd be good at waiting, we're certainly getting enough practice, but somehow, it only gets marginally easier.  and - it gives me plenty of time to worry about money.  June is going to be expensive.  we can wave goodbye to approximately $500 for the first RE visit, Plus the cost of summer School for me (~ $750), and a new cell phone for me (~ $200). in any case, it's going to be very hard to maintain our savings - it's going to take a bit of a hit.  I'm sure that it'll start growing again,  but I feel like every time we have to touch it, it puts our possibility of successfully having a child that much further into the future.

Okay - enough rambling, I'll be posing about Rhubarb-Blueberry pie tomorrow.  It makes excellent breakfast.

Smack!

I wasn't terribly impressed with the urologist this morning. I wanted thorough, I got quick.

There was nothing wrong with Jakobe's hormones, testicles, vas defrens, or prostate.

He's 90% sure that Jakobe has Retrograde Ejaculation - but he's not going to do anything to confirm that.

He had absolutely nothing to say about morphology or motility.

He did say that we wouldn't be able to conceive naturally, we would need either IUI or IVF.

When I said I was concerned about not having enough for IUI, he basically agreed.

Other than that - he said that there's one fertility doctor in Spokane, but he recommends that we go to Seattle instead.  (5 hours or so away)  He said we could try the Spokane Doc for a consultation, but that we should really think about it before actually doing any treatment here.

When I asked if there was anything he could do to confirm the retrograde, he said that we'd have to talk to the fertility specialist about that.  It seems he's washed his hands of us.

Anyway - I figured all of that out using "Dr. Google" months ago.  (okay, except for the first line...)

I was doing okay at the doctor's office, and basically until I was away from Jakobe.  He was having a hard time, and I guess subconsciously, I didn't want to add to it.  I started to fall apart a little while I was driving to work - and it's gotten worse since then.  It news wasn't worse than I had expected, but it wasn't what we wanted to here.

Good News:  I actually avoided the whole emotional eating thing when I got to work.  I got here, and there was a whole plate of muffins free for the taking, as well as a sausage/egg/potato thing.  I took some of the sausage stuff to eat for lunch, but did not give in to the temptation to eat one of those huge muffins...  I think I get a gold star.

What If?

What if implies possibilities, hopes, fears, what might be, the end that we don’t know yet, or even a stop along the way.  What if invites us to explore the land of the unknown, to stand up and look our fears and hopes straight in the face.  What if is scary.

My life is full of What if’s.  I share most of them with other people waiting, wondering, hoping - what if this is our month, cycle, whatever?  What if the option we tried this time is the right one?  What if it works?

Honestly though, these are the happy, hopeful, positive what ifs.  They’re few and far between, and there’s a whole room full of the dark, scary, unpleasant what ifs.  The ones that make us wonder if we’re worth it, the ones that make us feel like terrible people, the ones that we can’t even bear to say because just saying it admits that it might be true.  Today, I’m going to pick one, take it by the hand, and walk a mile in its shoes.

What if I have to learn how to live childfree with a smile…forever?

{Fast-Forward 10 years}

It starts when the phone rings,  it’s my youngest sister, calling to say “It’s Time!” and she’s scared and excited all at once, and you can hear every emotion in the world flow through her voice with those two words.  I feel them all too, overwhelmed for a moment, by the vastness of all of the different things that I’m feeling. 

At 14 years my junior, she’s the closest thing I’ve ever had to a child of my own.  I got to answer the teenage questions about sex, and give her advice and lectures she really didn’t want to hear.  For a couple of years, while my mom was gone, my other sisters and I stepped in and did the best we could, We did it again when my parents split. It’s not the same, but it’s as close as I got.  Jakobe and I tried, hard, in our thirties to have children of our own, but it wasn’t meant to be.

In this moment, the whole family is preparing to descend upon the local hospital, to wait in the waiting room, to wander in and out of the delivery room, and to generally be there for her.  It’s what we do.  We did it when my first nephew was born 16 years ago, and have done it from time to time, for cousins and friends in the meanwhile, but it’s the first time we’ve been able to do it for a sister since then.  It’s been a long wait. 

I think that we’re all excited.  Not everyone arrives at the same time; I’m one of the first.  Jakobe even comes with me, he’s been there giving lectures and advice since she was 14, and it’s a big day for him too.  Her hospital room fills up with family, and we’re all there with advice and smiles: The three of us older girls, and my mom - the people who were there in the room when she herself was born.   After a while Meg catches my eye and we share a little wry smile – the only indication of that lingering bit of sadness we both feel, the moment when we acknowledge that we both wished to experience what Ro is experiencing, but didn’t get that lucky.  Then we move on.

The rest of the day is nothing but smiles, congratulations, and visible happiness.  My niece it the most adorable baby I’ve ever seen, and Ro came through the whole thing like a trooper.  All of the cooing, and snuggling, and “Can I hold the baby” draws to an end and we all head back to our homes so that Ro can rest and recover.

Once we get home, I let go a little bit, and Jakobe holds me while I let out the tears that even I forgot I was holding back.  It doesn’t take long, I mostly gave up feeling sorry for myself when I finally accepted that it wasn’t ever going to happen for us, but it’s still there sometimes.  I make dinner, and decide that maybe it’s time for us to go on another awesome trip.

{Return to the present}

When I started to write that, I didn’t really understand how hard it was going to be to actually imagine myself in that situation.  I knew that I didn’t really want to think about it – and the pile of Kleenex next to me attests that it was a painful experience.  Now I get to move on o the fun side of the What ifs:

What if we go to Jakobe’s urologist appointment on Friday and discover that things aren’t as bad as they initially seemed?  What if it means that we get pregnant this year, and our dream of becoming parents comes true without needing to dig ourselves a hole of debt?  What if we don’t have to wait for a year to be able to afford to attempt it?

And one for my sister Meg:  What if they can figure out why their beans don’t stick, and fix it?

This post brought to you by the letters N, I, A, & W.  National Infertility Awareness Week.
Check out Project IF here.

For more information about NIAW please visit: http://www.resolve.org/takecharge

For more information about Infertility in general:  http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

Updated to add:  My positive what if's (for me at least) were a pipe dream.  The urologist said we wouldn't be conceiving naturally and IUI was unlikely as well.

And then for the real thing

It was definitely just spotting the other day.  Maintenance is here in force.  Endo Sucks!  And right now I'm not exactly sure what I can do about it.  It seems like it's getting worse every month again.  Even given how much I complained about the Yaz by the end of the time I was on it  - It gave me bad PMS, and I was having acne problems - I was doing pretty well on it.

Once you get away from pain, it's easy to forget exactly how bad things were, and while I was on the pill, I forgot, or at least it became less distinct.    Right now I'm wishing for something I can do to not have to deal with this, but at the same time, still be able to move ahead with whatever plan we have for getting knocked up, as soon as we have a plan.  I don't want to go back on the pill, just to find out that we have a chance if we do IUIs, and have to wait longer, besides, it take s a while for things to fget better with the pill, at nothing takes away my everyday pain, just the all out suckfest that is maintenance.

Plus there are things that I'm afraid of - like Lupron.  That was a miserable experience last time.  I understand that I get to take it again, if we go the IVF route, but it's not the same thing as when you take it for Endo.  Menopause sucks, and doing it 3 times would not be my cup of tea.  And I still want to put a lap as close to actually TTC again as possible, just for that lettle bit of extra fertility juice it sometimes provides.

So, we wait, and do nothing.  I wouldn't worry about this too much - it could be the vicodin talking.

The work thing from the other day seems to be all worked out.  I need to remember to keep an eye on my absence statement - when it comes - and I'll dispute the time if it shows up, but It sounds like the bosses have it all worked out.  I can use makeup time, for an hour or two at a time - but not much more.  I think that means that I get to show up for about 45 minutes next Friday, and then go to the urology appointment, and then go back to work.  It's a pain, but whatever I have to do is what I'll do.

AND - I need to remember to talk about something good.  I worry that sometimes this blog gets all the yucky feelings from my life, and no one gets to hear about the good things:.

Jakobe and I have been out riding our bikes on the weekends, and it has been great.  I love to ride, and I think he's enjoying it too.  Last night I was thinking that I would go for a ride soon that just keeps going as long as I can, until I'm just wrung out.  I feel like it would be good to try and push myself to the edge.  I haven't figured out how to do it yet, and still be able to get home, but I'm working on it.

And, the weather this weekend is absollutely gorgeous, we've been cooking and eating outside, and I might even dicide to do some yard work - making the back patio someplace I actually want to hang out.  Might even make it a place worth having patio furniture (what an Idea!)

Okay - enough typing, better go live my day.

No Change

It's funny, because I don't really have much of an update, but at the same time I feel guilty for not writing anything new.  Beginning in January, I promised that I would post at least once a week, and I thought it was going to be hard.  Instead, I've found that it has been incredibly good for me.  Having an outlet for all of my feelings, and knowing that someone is probably out there who understands helps me make it through the rough days.  Knowing that maybe my struggles will help someone else helps too.

Also, I signed up for International Comment Leaving Week (IComLeavWe or ICLW) and I feel like I need to do some sort of an introduction, so I guess that these needs coincide.  

Our Current News:  

• We're still waiting.  
• We're still not sure exactly what/how were going to tell Jakobe's parents about our infertility.  I just know that hearing "You know, if you and Jakobe decide never to have children, we'll love you anyway." again is going to result in me saying something I will regret, and/or making a scene.
• I double checked with our benefits person yesterday and verified that none of our 8 options for health insurance plans have *any* infertility coverage at all.  
• My head nearly exploded earlier this week when two of the people who were supposed to be in the office while we were at the urologist appointment decided to take that day off, meaning that we have almost no coverage if something goes wrong.  As bad as I feel about leaving one person to manage everything the morning of the 30th, I put my request in first, and if my two bosses think it's okay to take the day off and leave the office almost empty for half the day, then that's their call, not mine.  My personal life has to come before work sometimes.

And a welcome to ICLW visitors:

{Stepping up to the podium}

Thank you for stopping by.  I'm Jenni, and my husband and I are infertile.  I have endometriosis, which may or may not be impairing our ability to reproduce because my husband has crappy sperm so we've never really tested it.  I have always wanted children, in fact my initial plan was to get married at 19, and have 4 kids by about age 27.  That unrealistic plan was completely blown out of the water by that fact that I didn't even meet my husband until I was 27, and got married at 29.  

We spent most of the first year TTC hoping that we'd have good luck and assuming it was my fault that we weren't successful.  I had most of the testing right as we started, so the next step was a repeat laparoscopy for me.  I thought we should make sure that we had taken care of any possible issues on his side before I had surgery, and to our shock all of the news on his side was bad.  

Now I don't get a laparoscopy right away, which you might think of as a good thing, but I'm one of the lucky ones for whom endometriosis is not a silent problem, instead it's more of a screaming, tearing, ball of pain in my abdomen for a couple of days a month, and a gnawing, dull pain the rest of the time.

We're waiting to go see a urologist, and find out if there's a possibility that his crap sperm is caused by retrograde ejaculation (a complication of diabetes) or possibly some sort of ejaculatory duct obstruction, or even something we haven't thought of yet.  If so, maybe there's something we can do.  If not, we feel like we're most likely looking at IVF.

{stepping away, and finding my seat}

Easier than it was

From my temperature this morning I'm pretty certain that I ovulated yesterday.  As far as trying the old-fashioned way - we missed the window entirely.  A couple of months ago, I would have been (and was) upset, adngry, and overly emotional about not having what I felt like was "good enough" timing during my fertile window.  This resulted in crying, and general crabby-bitchiness on my part.

Today - I still wish that we had sex more often, but I'm not at all worked up about it.

As a coincidence, I read an article in Slate yesterday, When Sex Becomes a Chore, about the toll that infertility takes on women's sex lives.  Unfortunately, it still focuses on fertility being a female problem.  It would have been nice if they had touched on the slightly different set of difficulties that face couples with Male factor infertility.  Thankfully for us, sex is again divorced from baby-making, but not entirely.  Jakobe feeling less like a man certainly has a detrimental effect of that part of our lives.  We're finding our way, and it's good.  Someday, it'll be great.

The Old-Fashioned Way

Jakobe wants to keep trying the "Old-Fashioned" way while we're trying to figure out what we're going to do.  He says that there's no reason to stop trying, it just might work. 

BUT - he doesn't want to go back to all the testing, stress and disappointment.  

So we'll still do the timed intercourse thing, but I won't use OPKs and the HPTs will stay locked away in the closet.  With our odds where I feel that they are, I can't see getting the urge to give in to my POAS addiction - it was feeling like it might be a BFP that had me using so many tests in the first place.

Basically - it's all about making sex a priority, and giving it a chance, while not getting our hopes up. 

Sounds good to me.  

Nope - No Kids Yet

Don’t you just love it when CD1 is the day when someone decides to ask if you think you might want to “do the family thing?”  It’s such a loaded question.  My vagueish answer of “When we can” was met by the advice to not wait until we can afford it, because that day never comes.  All I could really think at that moment, was that we have to wait until we can afford it, because it’s not the having of children we have to save up for, it the out of pocket expenses involved in along the way while we’re trying to start a family.

Urologists aren’t cheap.  Neither are Reproductive Endocrinologists, Semen Analyses, Hormone tests, Hysterosalpingograms, Vitamin supplements, and any number of other things that we’re probably going to have to pay for, or re-do at our own expense.  All of that is before we get to the costs of In Vitro, which is where we think we’re headed. 

We’re not rich.  We have extra money in the budget, but as soon as I finish school we’re looking at $600 a month or so to repay our combined student loans, and that’s a good chunk of our extra income.  So, we’d better figure out how to get all of this at least started before we go there.  Saving up for IVF and paying for the related and other expenses along the way is going to take us at least a year – Maybe 18 months.  It’s almost more than I can think about.

Especially on CD1, when I’m drugged out of my mind on narcotic painkillers and ibuprofen and it’s only working partway.  The day that I don’t even get to hope anymore: maybe I’ll get pregnant this month.  Did I mention that I hate my “girl parts” right about now?  They hurt, A LOT, and I just generally feel sick.  Tomorrow should be better, but I seem to have developed a new pattern: 

·         Two days before my period :

o   Moderate cramping, that makes me think - yuk, but I can make it through this,

o   Some spotting 

o   Take some Tylenol with Codeine, and a bunch of Advil.

·         The day before my period:

o   All symptoms are very muted – maybe it won’t be so bad.

o   More spotting

o   Take a bunch of Advil. 

·         The day my period starts: 

o   Enter the Mac Truck – YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO GET OFF EASY, HA!   

o   The Colombia River begins to flow.

o   Pain, Nausea, Fatigue, and more pain.

o   Take a bunch of Tylenol with Codeine and a bunch of Advil

o   Give up on the small guns and break out the Vicodin. Continue to take lots of Advil.

o   Go home and curl into a ball.

That’s  the day I get asked if I’m going to have kids, without fail, every month.  Let me tell you - If I didn’t want to have kids, and wasn’t trying my damndest – I might sign up for a hysterectomy, just so that I didn’t have to feel like this ever again.  It’s even enough to make me consider going on Lupron again – and that was probably the most miserable six months of my life.

Nookie Free Zone

Not quite the same as "Nookie Prison"  but damn close.  Tomorrow is the likely beginning of the:

• Nookie Free Zone
• Maintenance (The pool is closed for maintenance, no swimming.)
• We came up with this euphemism a couple of years ago when: the hotel had no vacancies but the pool was open for swimming  (I was on the pill), or the hotel had no vacancies, and the pool was closed for maintenance(I was having my period).  The vacancy sign has been up for a while now, but no one's checked in.
• Aunt Flo
• the hag
• my period.

It wouldn't be so bad, but we're probably looking at almost 2 weeks without because of circumstance, and other things.  To make it worse, Jakobe was actually in the mood last night, at least to begin with, but he caught me on my way into the shower.  It was right after I got home from a "Strategic Planning Meeting" after work - and I still needed to unwind. I should have just pretended like I was having more fun that I was, but it's hard to hide it when I'm just not feeling it.  We were supposed to see if we felt more like it later, but he fell asleep, and I wasn't going to wake him up for a "maybe."

Tonight is Date Night, which is both good and bad.  The exercise of going on a date twice a month is very very good for our marriage, but Date Night almost never ends with nookie.  Plus - if there's any chance it'll get messy, it's a bad idea.  We had that happen once, and I never want to see the look of shock and dismay that crossed his face again. If I can help it.

I'm not a happy person when I don't get laid.  There, I admit it.  Plus - when not getting laid and PMS go together, watch out for megabitch.

On a related note, I have mixed feelings about maintenance this month. It's nice in a way to not feel disappointed about it.  We're not trying right now, and with the way things look we're not "not preventing" either, so it's just expected.  I'm sad that I feel like we don't have a chance without major interventions, and I'm sad because of all of the dreams that we're putting on hold for the meanwhile. At the same time, I'm not sad that I don't have to have my hopes dashed ever month in the meanwhile - it's definitely easier to know that you're not pregnant when maintenance comes.

Writing on the chalkboard

One of the most unfortunate things that go along with stress and depression is sleep disturbances.  I don’t want to get out of bed, and I can’t fall asleep or stay asleep.  I toss and turn from about 4 am on, and when I make it to bed at midnight, and take an hour or more to fall asleep, it doesn’t make for a restful experience.

This week has been full of both positives and negatives.  We did get a referral from Jakobe’s endocrinologist to see a urologist, and they called us to make an appointment.  But – the appointment isn’t until April 30^th.  His endocrinologist also said that given the fact that his SA was so terrible, and that his hormone levels are normal, he thinks we’ll need to go the IVF route.

I emailed my primary care doctor to let her know where things are right now, and she’ll be happy to help me find a specialist when it’s time to treat my endometriosis again.  Part of me is not happy about putting off my treatment, because it means that I get to live with the effects of endo in the meanwhile. 

Anyway, the thoughts and feelings that have been swirling through my head haven’t been helping my sleep problem.  Neither has the fact that it’s finals week, and I procrastinated writing a paper that is due today.  I crawled into bed last night after taking 2 Advil PM, and 2 melatonin.  Laying in bed and waiting to fall asleep, I started to use one of my usual make-me-fall-asleep techniques: count backwards from 1000.   Instead of just counting I pictured myself writing each number on a chalkboard followed by the phrase:  Everything will turn out as it should.  You know  - just like “I will not kick boys at recess.”  Following the same line of thought, that we can change thoughts and behavior by repeating a phrase to remind us, I’m using my mental chalkboard.  Maybe, just maybe it will cause me to feel more optimistic.  Now all I have to do is remember to do the same thing tonight.