A blog first

I have to say that my last post was the first time I have received a negative comment on my blog, and it's taken me some time to figure out how I wanted to respond. For those of you who don't read the comments – here it is, so that you know what I'm talking about:

StaNMay 20, 2012 6:05 PM

Day care? Day care? DAY CARE for a 6 week old infant?!???

That is cruel! A baby deserves time to bond with its parents! Not to be banished to institutional care at the ripe old age of 40 days!!

I sure hope the first parents know you're doing this!! I cannot imagine any first mom would let an amom planning to dump a teeny-tiny baby in daycare!!!

I have a lot of things that I wish to say to this. Yes, I am going back to work after six weeks, which I don't think that anyone believes to be ideal, but in my household I am the primary breadwinner, and I don't have paid maternity leave. When I go back to work, my husband is staying home for two weeks, and then my mother-in-law will be here for the two days that I have to work the week of the fourth of July. This wasn't an easy decision for us, and there are many factors that come into play, like the fact that because of Jakobe's diabetes and the cost of health insurance, we can't afford for him to become a stay-at-home dad. Me being a stay-at-home mom was never an option, no matter how much I would like it to be. We are doing the best that we can.

As far as characterizing our daycare as “institutional care” I find it to be a gross mischaracterization of our plan, made by someone who has more politics than knowledge of our situation. The first parents know exactly what we are doing, as Niko will be attending the same in-home care as her first siblings.

Be outraged if you want. I am. I'm outraged that someone would come here, bringing the “mommy wars” with them, to tell me what a terrible mother I am before I've had even three weeks with my daughter. We all have to make choices and compromises.

Be outraged, I am. I am outraged that I live in one of the most advanced countries in the world, but I have no paid maternity leave. I am using every drop of my vacation and sick leave to stay at home as long as I can – and that's not right. Every other first world country has paid parental leave because they recognize the importance of family, and bonding, and how that makes for a stronger society, and most likely a more productive workforce whose mind is on their work while they are there, and not at home (or wherever their child is being cared for) with a child that the parents aren't ready to leave. So if I sound defensive, it's because I am. I want to stay at home longer, I want to be there with her, and I don't get to be. I can't imagine yet how hard it is going to be to go back to work. But, I don't really have a choice. Two rounds of IVF, and an adoption that fell in our lap from the gods have drained our savings, the money I had planned to use to cover the unpaid time off I wanted to take when I had a child. The short term disability policy that I've been paying for for years doesn't apply. Why? Because I'm not “recovering from childbirth.” The best laid plans, right?

So I guess what I am saying to StaN is: know what you're talking about before you make judgments. And if all else fails follow the golden rule. Or – just keep your damn mouth shut – you don't have the right to judge me.

To the rest of you: thanks for putting up with my rant, and maybe someday we can make a change to the family policies and politics of this country. Politicians like to say that family is central to our lived. Maybe it's time for them to put their votes where their mouth is.

Testing the Waters

I'm back - at least a little bit back.  I don't know how to explain what happened, just that I needed a great big break.  No saving money, no blogging, and no reading blogs.  I just had to get away.  other than the occasional doctor's appointment, the only things infertility related that I have been doing is attending out local support group meetings.

I have a hard time admitting - even too myself, how hurt I was after our IVF attempt in April.  I just shut down.  I took a couple of months before I even really had a prayer of keeping up on housework.  I was broken.  I took on too much, and when it was finally all over, when I no longer had to hold myself together so that IU could just graduate, all the cracks started showing plain as day.  so - I've been mending them, one at a time,  and my heart has a crazed appearance like crackle finish paint, but it's mostly whole again.

This is a good thing, especially since we're on the roller coaster again.  I started the BCPs this week for our next try.  I start stims the first of November.

I am terrified.

Nothing that happened this summer has really done much to make me feel better about or failure.  The doctor has decided that I have diminished ovarian reserve to go along with Jakobe's bunk sperm, and my endometriosis.  I'm not sure I believe him because my labs don't seem to agree with him, but he could be right.  Maybe we just thought we had the shit end of the stick to begin with, but we're really starting to small what we got ourselves into now.  We'll see.  This time it's a micro-flare protocol, with Lupron and the highest dosage of stims we can, from the get go.  We'll see how it turns out.

MIA

I know I'm MIA over here.  Although I'm not thinking about infertility much at the moment,  I'm struggling with the after effects of our failed cycle.  So - for now I'm taking it easy, and just trying to make it through this last quarter at school.

I wrote this poem a couple of weeks ago, and I've had more days like it that I care to think about.  I'm going to find my way back out, but I'm not there yet.

Today I sit at the edge of Tears

their salty ocean before me

behind me

and within me

A salty drop waits to join them

but is held here

unshed

waiting

Today I sit at the edge of tears.

And the winner is...

Okay, so I don't know how anyone else has done this in the past, but I typed everyone's name (in reverse date order) into an excel spreadsheet, and then used random.org to pick a number between 1 and 178.  I was shocked to discover that I had received 178 comments from all of you amazing, supportive, wonderful people during our IVF cycle.  I don't know if you realize how much caring I felt from each and every one of you, not only along the way, but also tonight, while doing the work for the giveaway.  Everyone of you is awesome!

What's that?  you want to know who the winner was?

#52 - Or Foxy from Someday.  I kind-of think it's fitting, because not only did she give me the idea, but she is a champion commenter.

But - Before I go, I want to say thank you to each and every one of you.  You made a crazy, stressful, and difficult time easier.  I wish I had something for each and every one of you.  So thank you to:

• eighteenyears
• Kat
• Kakunaa
• Mr. Thompson and Me
• Nikki Sunshine
• justadrienne
• Awaiting Our Miracle
• Marianne
• New Year Mum
• Leigh
• TeeJay
• Elaine VanDRiver
• Kerrik
• Kami
• Fran
• Baby Hopes
• Yolanda
• Gurlee
• Emmy
• TeamBabyCEO
• musicmakermomma
• Miss Conception
• J'espere
• empty whole
• Baby Mamma
• A Shadow of My Former Self
• Ruth
• B-
• Krista
• Kate Nadeau
• KC
• Courtney
• Lola
• E and R
• Me and You, Just us - Two
• marriage20
• Junebug
• Missy
• abracadabrababy

P.S.  Maintenance started yesterday, and we talked to the clinic.  We're going to take the summer off, and then we'll take a stab at IVF #2 in the fall, specifically November.  Now We just need to make ourselves a WTF appointment, and see where we go from here.


.

Taking Time

Just a quick note to let you all know that I'm still here.  I'm very very behind on the reading of all of my blog buddies, and I expect to stay that way for a while.  I'll be working on a post this week for the Bust a Myth campaign, but other than that I'm still just here. Taking it a day at a time.  I've become very adept at pretending everything is fine, but I'm half-assing my schoolwork, and spending a lot of time reading fiction that takes me away from here.

I started spotting today, so I suspect that maintenance isn't too far away, which means that making a decision about a frozen cycle in June, or July isn't very far away either.

I love you all, and I'll be announcing the giveaway winner from my cycle later this week as well. ( As soon as I figure out how to do the random choosing.)

Dollars and $ense of family building

Click on the picture to see the
other responses

This was started over at Write Mind Open Heart, and it's a conversation that we all need to be aware of.  The added costs of family building when it comes to Infertility and Adoption are not a laughing manner, and neither is how we will explain these things to our children and how they will feel about them.Some of these questions I have to answer from a hypothetical perspective, because I don't know all of my answers or my journey yet.  I thought that this would be an appropriate opening post for my National Infertility Awareness Week Blogging.

Consider your now or future children as adults, and consider the fact that you had to spend money to either conceive them or make them part of your family. What effect do you think the latter will have on the former one day? What, do you think, your grown children might feel about the funds it took to create your family?

I hope that they're not bothered by it, and I hope to instill the belief that we loved them and wanted them so much that we went all out in the attempt to be their parents. 

How did/would you handle it if your child asks you, “Mom, how much did I cost?” How would you answer at age 7? At age 18?

I would be honest, but try to couch it in terms that make sense to them given their age.  And try to remind them that we didn't go out to the store and buy them, we went to the doctor and paid him to help us.  So, to a 7 year old, it might be along the lines of an awful lot, and maybe a dollar figure, but something to make it real and to a child on the cusp of adulthood - I'd probably compare it to the amount it costs to buy a new car.

When calculating the costs of your family building, what do you include? The direct costs are easy (such as RE fees for a cycle or homestudy fees), but what about fees that didn’t directly lead to your child’s existence in your life, such as cycles that didn’t work, adoption outreach avenues that didn’t work, failed adoptions, avenues that were explored (and that cost something) but not pursued, etc.?

So far I'm including all of the costs.  Medications, supplements, testing, marital counseling, cycles that didn't work, everything.  Why, because that is the cost of us building our family.  It's not just the cost of a single cycle, because we should learn from the failed ones and hopefully make the next try better.  On the other hand - I'm not counting the costs of snacks at support group meetings, or the cost f gas to drive around....  or - even - the cost of ice cream.

If two children in a family “cost” different amounts, should that have any significance?

No.  Because it's not a measure of a child, it's the measure of the amount of help that we needed to bring that child into our family.

To what extent have finances determined the family-building decisions you have made? How have you able to balance financial considerations against other factors such as medical, ethical, emotional…?

Finances have played a big role.  We really didn't want to go deeper into debt to start our family.  So we spent a year of instituting austerity measures at home to help us pay more out of pocket for our treatments.  We chose to participate in a type of shared risk plan because we knew that we couldn't afford to try again if the first attempt failed, at least not soon after, and we wanted to make sure that we would have a good chance at a family.  In many cases, We put some of our emotional heath on the back burner to our financial health, waiting put strains on our marriage, and strains on our emotions that we weren't really prepared for.  Mostly because although I'm the one who wanted to save first, I'm also the one who was impatient.

Has institutional and governmental support for certain family-building paths impacted your choices? For example, ART being covered by insurance, tax deductions for adoption expenses, etc.

No treatments were covered by our insurance, and there is nothing in our state that required that they do so.  The only way that the outside entities affected our decisions is that they made family building harder for us.

Have you considered having ART treatments abroad, either due to lower cost or due to certain methods being unavailable or illegal in your own country? In your decision-making, how did you balance the financial savings against issues like the unknowns of the country, perhaps not speaking the language, and medical practices that may differ from those of your home country? If you did travel abroad for treatments, what was your experience? Would you do it again?

Right now, I'm not comfortable with it.  Probably because I haven't traveled that much myself, and because I couldn't conceive of a way for us to go out of country for ART and keep our jobs.  Will I consider it in the future - I hope I don't have to, and I think that it's farther than Jakobe is willing to go.

Weekend's Over

And it wasn't long enough. I'm struggling to find the time and motivation to keep up with things, specifically my homework. Everything else is going okay, and I started the prep work for our patio renovation, so the weekend wasn't a waste, and I did get outside in the sunshine, yay!

On the IVF front, just waiting to see what the ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow show. I'm a bit anxious, and entirely too tightly wound. I want so badly for this to work, but I just keep waiting for another shoe to drop.

On a final note, I probably need to stop blogging in bed, but it seems to be something I'm remembering to do right at the end of my day. In any case, time to say goodnight.

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Even I have something to say about PETA

Ms. Newkirk,

I am an animal lover.  I don’t always agree with the extremes of PETA’s positions on animals, but I definitely support the spaying and neutering of companion animals.  We all have a responsibility to reduce feral populations, and the number of pets that aren’t really loved and cared for.  Rith now it seems that PETA takes joy in choosing extreme positions in order to raise awareness, and to cause controversy and conversation.  This latest stunt/campaign that includes the giveaway of a vasectomy in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week is repulsive and insulting.  I am aware that I am participating in the conversation that you wanted to spark, and honestly – I have no problem with the win a vasectomy campaign in and of itself – if you want to make a statement about human overpopulation, that’s your right.  BUT, and this is a big but, claiming that the giveaway is in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week is wrong.

Infertility is something that affects a large part of the human race, and interferes with one of our most basic biological drives.  I can remember, not too long ago, sitting through a college course on the history and future of the human race, and hearing over and over again, that as an organism we are only successful if we procreate, and our children survive to procreate as well.  This is a large part of how nature designed us.  It is not wrong to want to have a child, or children.  It is wrong to try and make your point at the expense of a class of people who are hurting, and doubly wrong to do it at a time that they are trying to raise awareness for themselves.

Your organization is not the first to make the claim that we have a moral imperative to not increase the human population of the earth.  It is also not the first to place the responsibility for that squarely at the feet of those who have had much of that choice taken away from them.  Infertile couples will not be participating in your contest – they don’t need the prize.  Choosing to refrain from having children because of moral or social beliefs is not the responsibility of the infertile community – infertiles who made that choice probably don’t know or care that they are infertile, so it doesn’t bother them.  The majority of infertile couples choose (or are able to) have only one or two children, a birth rate that favors population reduction, as that rate does not tend to replace themselves into the next generation.  As for the rest of us – I ask this question:  Did your members refrain from having children; did they spay or neuter themselves?  Or do the majority of them have children and families of their own, and are instead trying to push their social responsibilities off on those who just want something that they themselves take for granted?

Senja C. Yakovleff

Giveaway and Anxiety

So - I would have to rate my stress levels as through the roof.  I haven't been able to concentrate on school, I've had this damn headache, and my eyebrow/eyelid is twitching...  Grr.  Oh, and AF - still MIA.  I'm beginning to think that I'm going to skip that part entirely...  and I'm not sure that's a good thing.  In any case, I have to get up and out of here by 6:15 tomorrow morning, so I'm going to keep it short.  I'll update all of you tomorrow when I get my actual instructions and I know what my stims are supposed to be.  Tonight I'm just going to try and sleep.

I didn't forget my giveaway, entries start tomorrow.  It's easy, just leave a comment for me any time from tomorrow through my beta(s) it will be one entry.  I'll choose a winner at random, and you will get the pile of loot pictured here:  (It's an apple cinnamon reed difuser, ceramic measuring cups shaped like vegetables and a orange chocolate bar of soap - it's random, but it's cute and things that make me feel good, so I thought I'd share...)

PS. If I were feeling better I'd be doing my happy dance because my copy of Adobe CS5 design standard arrived today.  I am so Excited!

The technical beginning

According to my RE's reckoning, today was CD1. So I guess we have begun. AF on the other hand, hasn't begun, just more of the infernal spotting. I am going to bed early, having failed to write 2 of the three papers I needed to write tonight due to a terrible headache and a house full of people. Now, I'm just hanging out in my bed with my cat.

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Facelift

Not for me - but for my blog, I've been working on images for a couple of days, and I have to admit - I think I like how it turned out.  But one of my best discoveries:  the Tornado shape in Photoshop Elements looks a lot like sperm when you stretch it out.


Other than that - not much going on here.  Getting ready to finish off the programming project for this quarter, looking forward to spring break, and oh so happy that I have only two classes (one quarter) left until I actually DONE with school.


Something I had to share:

One blog post I read this week that made total sense to me, and was so spot on - it perfectly encapsulates how I feel about it, and does it in a very respectful way.  one thing she says is "...that adoption is not "second best," but it is linked to grief - and that is ok."  So, if you've never read anything by Hillary at Making Me Mom, I suggest that you at least pop over and read this.

Time for a change?

Just wondering - Is it time for me to consider a blog redesign/overhaul.  I've tried changing things up in my life recently - I dyed my hair.  Okay - I admit to being risk averse, and only using semi-permanent dye, but still..I did something.

What?  I should have tried dying my hair green?  It *is* my favorite color.

Anyway - A blog overhaul would be a great opportunity for me to play in Photoshop for a bit, and I certainly enjoy that.  Besides, for the next couple of weeks, I have some time.  I took my first final of the quarter tonight, and then I have only one next week, and then it's spring break!  Yay - more time to get totally crazy and maybe go to bed at 11:30 9:15.

Jakobe would probably like it too, since according to him I'm unpredictable and hormonal.

Catch-up

I finally got caught up on blog things that I wanted to take care of.

I updated the Money page, it now reflects our current spending, including the payment we made on Monday, and the new prices at the RE.

I caught up on all of my RSS feeds in Google Reader - I was seriously behind again.  So if I'm a follower of yours, I've read your posts, even if I didn't comment. Somehow I seem to get to where I have about 200 posts to read, and then finding the time to read all of them gets a bit difficult, especially with me being sick, and trying something new for ICLW.

Speaking of - I'm actually did well with ICLW this month - I tried something new...I'm reading every blog in order, from the beginning, and commenting on them.  I'm not going to make it to the end, in fact, I will probably obnly make it to 70 or 80 different blogs this month, but it's way better than I have in the past.  In addition, I'm commenting on all of them.  Exercising my comment muscle.  Of course - I did neglect my homework.

I'm trying to write more posts, and I know that it'll work well for a while, especially because I'm feeling obsessive at the moment, and I need a place to let it all out.  That, and I apparently have a lot to say while I'm hopped up on pain meds.

Almost there

Today we got the loan check from my mom, which means that we have the money to pay for our IVF, as soon as he check completely clears.  Like Monday.  We made it!  I've never written a check that big  in my life (and still won't, we're using a cashier's check) so it's going to be awfully strange.  Scary too.  We're so close.

Anyway, I'll be posting again next week when I actually pay Dr. R's office.  and then we'll really be on our way.  BCP should start next week, if I ovulated when I think I did (and I've gotten awfully good at knowing, strange, huh?) Since I'm expecting AF around this weekend.  I've spent the last few days not working because I was very very sick - fever over 100.5, coughing, sore throat, headache, fatigue, the whole works.  I thought that it might make it a good time for me to do a lot of commenting for ICLW, and I've certainly done way more than usual, but not as much as I hoped.

**FOUL LANGUAGE WARNING**

My final bit of news is that the god-damned motherfucking douche-bag asshole pled "not guilty" today and his trial is currently set for May.  They expect it to take a week.  Time to ask for some vacation.  The prosecutor's office assures us that it will get continued, but I guess I have to be prepared anyway.

Time to scan in more receipts, I'm tracking all medical expenses this year for an income deduction...

Blogoversary

A year ago today I wrote my first blog post here.  I thought that this space was going to be something I could use to share my recipes, and post photographs, and try and find my creative side again.

A year ago today, I was not so happily dealing with the fact that I still wasn't pregnant, and feeling like a failure because what I wanted was a baby, it just wasn't something I seemed to be able to do.


A year ago today, I didn't really have any idea of what the next year had in store for me.

Today, this blog has become a touchstone for me, and is very different than what I pictured.  There have been recipes, and photographs, and occasionally some writing that I'm really proud of.  There have also been tears, and fear, and facing some of the biggest dragons of my life - and because of this blog, and the people who are out there reading it, I wasn't alone.

Today I look back at the me of a year ago, and I wish I could tell her:

You are strong enough for what life has handed you.  It's okay to be afraid and disappointed, because that's certainly going to happen.  and it's okay to feel let down, and to shake your fist at the gods and ask "Why me?"

As alone as you may feel, you're not, because Jakobe is there - trying to hold you up and you will return the favor, because you can always lean on the people in your life, and because the travelers on this road with you know how bumpy and rutted the path is - they've skinned their knees as they've fallen - but together dust yourselves off and take the next steps.

Today, I'm trying to find my way out of the depression that has stolen much of my energy over the last couple of months.  I can look back at my blogging and see where I started to spiral away from myself.  Coming back here to write is maybe one of the first signs that the medication is starting to work, and that I am returning to myself again.  I won't lie, this has been hard, and I'm not always good at it, but I am a better, richer, more loved, and more aware person than I was, a year ago today.

Yikes! Tagged again...

Okay - so I've been reading on other people's blogs when they were tagged, and I have to admit that I was feeling just a tad bit jealous and unloved.  But now I've been tagged twice.  Thanks!

Now if only feeling a tad bit jealous and unloved would get me knocked up.

Anyway - Thank you to Foxy - I'm honored that you specifically mentioned me.  Oh, and Jakobe had every intention of answering the question you posed him on his blog, but I think he got lazy!

1. What is your favorite holiday and why?

 My favorite holiday would have to be Christmas.  I love spending the time finding the perfect gift for everyone, and I spend waaay too much time creatively wrapping the gifts and making my own ribbons and bows and generally getting all crazy like.  You get to see family, share how much you love people, and have champagne and open presents in your pajamas! 

2. How much time do you spend on the phone? on blogger?
 I personally don't usually spend more than 30-40 minutes on the phone for personal stuff every day, and half of that is talking to Jakobe when he's on his breaks at work.  Yes - we still call eachother about 3 times during every work day.  It started while we were dating, and it continues.  I think it's a lovely way to keep connected and to touch base, especially on days when I have school and I'm away from home form 7 AM until about 10 PM.

I don't spend all that much time on Blogger, only the time when I'm actually writing posts - I spend a lot more time on Reader, which is where I try (emphasis on try) to keep up with the blogs that I follow.  Probably about an hour a day.

3. What are your favorite TV shows?

I have been watching too much TV.  May favorites would have to include Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Stargate Universe, Burn Notice, and  NCIS.  I miss Battlestar Galactica, and some of the othe SciFi shows...  Some of these are favorites because Jakobe and I watch them together, and some are just guilty pleasures that I just have to watch.  Remind me I'm supposed to ride my bike while watching TV...  It's exercise at least.

4. How did you meet your lover?

My high school boyfriend (who happens to be Jakobe's best friend) and his wife decided that Jakobe and I should date.  But they were really sneaky about it because Jakobe and I were both seeing other people at the time, and they just invited both of us to come to play that same role playing game at their house once a week.  I mostly didn't notice him too much until he started flirting with me (turns out, he was trying to show one of the other guys how to flirt) and well, I was a hopeless flirt - I couldn't help but flirt back, and then it started getting past friendly flirting.  The rest is history.

5. What is your favorite color of nail polish?

I rarely wear nail polish.  But when I paint my nails they're usually a muted shade of red.  I try not to get too crazy anymore, and it chips so damn fast that I just can't keep up.  (oh, and I'm not really girly)

6. What in your life are you most proud of, personally or professionally?

I'm most proud of the fact that I have my shit together and have had for a long time.  I can take care of myself and I do.  I'm proud that I bought myself a house just before my 24th birthday.  I'm proud of the fact that I'm 30 years old, and I have 15 years of experience in my field.  Finally I'm proud of the face that I got off of my rear and have gone back to school - it's been extremely inconvenient and time consuming, but I'll be done in June, and it will be awesome!

 

7. Did you have a Bachelorette Party? What did you do?

I did,  It was great.  We got hotel rooms and then took a shuttle downtown where we went out for sushi, and then hit the bar for a drag show.  The only lap dance of my life was given to me by a drag queen!  I got waaay to drunk (courtesy of my mom and sisters) and then went back to the hotel, where my sisters saved me from being the most embarrassing drunk there (no details here, but damn - I don't think I'll be able to top them!, Nor do I want to.) 

8. Where do you blog from? (I mean, where is your computer, describe the setting.)

Where I blog from changes depending on the post or on the day.  Sometime I blog from my phone, and that from wherever I happen to be at the moment. Right now, I'm blogging from my Data Communications and Networking fundamentals class - the professor is basically reading us the slides that came with the book, and most of this stuff I'm already familiar with.  Once in a while I'll write a post while I'm at my desk at work - either during my lunch break, or after work but before I go home for the day.  Most of the time though - I blog on my laptop while sitting on the couch...  I keep trying to set up a workspace for myself - but right now it's covered with a filing box, bills, fabric, and the cat's foos and water.  So I can't sit there...


I'm not quite ready to pick out a list of people to tag...  so, if you're reading this and haven't been tagged yet.  You're it!

Post-it Tuesday: I'd like to say more...

Thanks Suzy for revealing the option of Post-it Tuesday to me.  I'm feeling guilty for not keeping up... but I'm still here.  Here are a few things I've been thinking about.

I got Tagged...

...by Marianne at My Violet Thoughts

So how does this work?  She's asked me several questions that I get to answer, and then I choose some of the bloggers that I read to answer questions that I think up.

Her questions for me:


1) If you could go back in time and choose a different career path what would you choose?


I'm still working on mine, but if I were to go back in time, I would choose to have faith that I would find a way to pay of the loans and I would go to medical school.  It was a big dream of mine, and part of me really regrets not making it happen.

2) If it was possible to know what would be going on in your life 5 years from now would you want to know?  Or would you want to be surprised?


This one is kind of up in the air.  Part of me really likes surprises, and I really think that know int the outcome causes you to make different choices, and therefore changes the outcome anyway.  So - I'll stay in the dark, and take each day as it comes.

3) What character from a book, movie or tv show is most like you?


I just don't know.  I've never found one character that really feels like me, althoguht I've found characters that seem to do well for bits and pieces of me like Abby from NCIS, and Merry Gentry from Laurell K Hamilton, or Phedre from  the Kushiel books... or even Armida from "A tale in the suicide Mountains"  I'm a bit all over the place....

4) What's your family's best holiday tradition?


We've got a great big upheaval in family traditions right now - my parents got divorced a couple of years ago, and don't speak much now.  One of the best ones was getting together Christmas morning/afternoon, having brunch in our PJs and exchanging gifts.  Certainly something I would like to see continue, and something I want to carry on to another generation.  


The other thing that happens every year is that the extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc - there are about 50 or more of us) get together for Christmas eve and do a white elephant gift exchange.  It's crazy - but a whole lot of fun.


And now I get to tag some others, Questions first:

1. What would you say is the craziest thing you've ever done?
2. If you had to pick one thing to describe yourself as a child what would it be (the shy one, the quiet one, the crazy one, the pretty one, etc..)?
3. If you could go an vacation anywhere in the world for as long as you wanted (No obstacles), where would you go.
4. What is your Favorite Color?
5. If you had three wishes, and you could only use them for other people, what would you wish for?

I'm tagging:

• Vitamin C
• Jules 
• Brave IVF Girl
• Cortney

30 things about my Invisible illness that you may not know...

This week is Invisible illness awareness week.  There are all kinds of invisible illnesses out there,  and they touch our lives in many interconnected ways.  My husband has Diabetes, I have endometriosis, we are infertile.  All of these things are invisible. When we walk down the street you can't look at us and say - oh yeah, they've got a problem.  You can't see if we're hurting, or tell if it's been a particularly rough day.  Looking from the outside, it's impossible to see all of the changes and adjustments made in a life to work around an illness.  But all of these adjustments, disappointments, and victories are still there, and they're just as hard won as visible scars.  SO I guess, I'm showing you all my invisible scars, just a little bit.  


I'm posing this meme twice, because for us anyway, my endometriosis and our infertility are two separate things.  They hurt in different ways, and have changed my life in different ways.  I'm starting with Endometriosis - because well, I've lived with it a lot longer.


My husband just held me, and stroked my head, and let me feel crappy.  He didn't try and fix it - just did his best to hold me and help me through. of Awareness, and hoping that I can help, just a little bit, to raise awareness of things that you can't see.

Question	Endometriosis Answer	Infertility Answer
1. The illness I live with is:	Endometriosis	Infertilty
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year:	1999	2010
3. But I had symptoms since:	Puberty for the most part - I thought it was normal until I was in pain every day.  I had several ruptured ovarian cysts in 1997, and I guess that was the big start of what I might call symptoms.	Symptoms?We started trying to get pregnant in June of 2009 - and well, it didn't work.  Turns out it had very little chance of working.
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is:	Sounds silly, but carrying narcotic pain pills pretty much all the time.  the last couple of years have been good to me - so my bad days are fewer and farther between, but they can be really really bad.  I spent a night in the ER last month, because I need morphine to make the pain go away. (that and we had to make sure that it wasn't appendicitis - again!)	Learning how to wait, let go, and not *DO* something.  I'm still learning, and it's still hard.
5. Most people assume:	I'm not sure what, if anything people assume.  I think for the most part, people just don't really know about or understand it anyway.	That it's not as big of a deal as it is.  It';s been one of the biggest stressors of my marriage, and there's no easy solution or answer.
6. The hardest part about mornings are:	Trying to figure out if I can make it to work without taking a pain pill on bad days.  It's a bit of a guessing game, and if I get it wrong, my day starts of really really bad, and it's hard to get ahead of it.	I still take my temperature - and the hardest thing is when it's going up and up - it makes me hope, even when there's no real reason to.
7. My favorite medical TV show is:	Grey's Anatomy, but House is a close second.  I guess it's all the interpersonal stuff in Grey's that really keeps me coming back.
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is:	My barley pillow.  It's a take anywhere heating pad, all you need is access to the microwave.  I can heat it up in the morning before I get into the car, and then use it the whole drive in.	The internet, and this blog.  Without this outlet and the ability to talk about everything here, I think that I might have fallen apart.  everyone out here makes each day just a little bit easier to bear, and that's a great big help.
9. The hardest part about nights are:	Falling asleep.  The medicine can make me tired, but it also keeps me awake.  it's a major catch-22.  Can't sleep without it, can't sleep with it.	The dreams.  Sometimes they're so real, that it's wrenching to wake up to reality.
10. Each day I take 9-25 pills & vitamins. (No comments, please):	On good days, I just take my basics, on bad days it's usually 5-6 pain pills every 6 hours, plus the ones I take already.	I started on Metformin because we thought it might help.  I'm still taking it, but it's hard to say why sometimes.
11. Regarding alternative treatments I:	Stopped really believing that they work a long time ago.  I decided that I needed to stop looking for a miracle cure, and instead learn how to live with what I've got.  It's been working, for the most part.	Since I struck out so bad with alternative treatments with the endo, I didn't venture too far down this path - although Jakobe might have something else to say about it - I make him take a lot more vitimins that he ever did before.  Just Hoping that they might make a difference.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose:	Probably invisible, I've got experience at it, and I can pretend to others that it doesn't exist.  I don't have to think about it on a good day.
13. Regarding working and career:	I've had to call in sick because I hurt too much to get out of bed more days that I care to count.  Also - I end up driving to and from work while on pain meds, because I just can't be gone that much.  It's a fact of life.	One of the things that irritates me is that my employer chose to have absolutely no infertility coverage in any of the 10 different insurance plans we're offered.  I wish that could have asked for that coverage in one plan - it would have been more expensive, but there would at least have been an option.
14. People would be surprised to know:	That I always worry that I'm being a wimp, and that I'm making a bigger deal out of my pain than it really is.	That I've thought hard about just not trying to have a family, and pictured what our life would be like.  It's not bad - and we travel, and buy nice houses, and have great vacations.  I guess it's Plan C, or maybe D.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been:	Accepting that it won't ever go away.  Most of the time I refuse to let it mess with my life or my plans anymore	That I can't fix it.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was:	Go off of birth control.  When I finally found one that really worked to suppress the endo, it was like the world was a completely different color.  I dreaded stopping it, and didn't want life to go back to how it was before.  Right now, I'm hormone free, and I guess I've learned to live with it much better than I did before, because it hasn't been as terrible as I feared.	I don't know yet - Right now, I'm not sure that we'll ever be able to have children, and That's something I want to be able to put behind us.
17. The commercials about my illness:	Don't exist.	Well, they aren't about infertility per-se b ut that while Pregnancy test commercial thing - so very directed at women who are trying (and not being immediately successful) to get pregnant.  No one else really has all that much interest in which test can tell you one day sooner than the others...  and infertiles often buy lots and lots of pregnancy tests...
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is:	I guess I have this one easier than other people, because I don't really think of anything I've actually given up anymore.  I miss having a completely pain-free day, but then again - I hardly notice on most days.	Spending money on frivolous things - every time I spend money now, I think about how it sets back our family building goals.
19. It was really hard to have to give up:	Right after I was diagnosed, I gave up going to school, it was too much for me to handle, and I couldn't figure out how to function well yet.  I've since gone back - but that was a very hard choice to make.	The picture in my head of what our life was going to be like.  Right now I have a fuzzy indistinct tapestry of hope and fear, and there's no clear picture.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is:	The SCA (Society fro Creative Anachronism)  Playing there involves a lot of different hobbies, wrapped up into one. It's great!	No new hobbies - my time was pretty full before, and I'll admit to being a little bit obsessed.   Its' still pretty new, comparatively.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would:	Honestly? Revel in it.  Have lots of great sex and not worry about if I'll end up hurting later!	Be happy, and remind myself about who I am without all these desires hanging over my head.
22. My illness has taught me:	That I can deal with a lot more than I ever thought I could.	That I love my husband more than I ever thought possible.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is:	I don't have anything here.  I don't tell a lot of people, and If I do, they don't have much to say.	"You can always adopt."
24. But I love it when people:	this pretty much follows along with number 23...	Give me space, and don't try to give me advice or fix things.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:	I don't have a lot of quotes to carry me through tough times, but I'm always telling myself  "It is what it is.  You can't go back, and you can't change things.  The only thing to do is move forward, and try to figure out what to do from here."
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them:	That it sucks, but that it isn't the end of the world.  That I thought that it was a death sentence for the life I had planned - and that it would make me miserable forever.  I was wrong.  Tame passes, you adjust, and you learn that you can deal with whatever you have to.  it stops being such a big deal, and you learn to cope.  You can have whatever life you want.	I'm so sorry.  There are options, but take you time and figure out what is right for both of you.  Hold on tight to each other, and don't let go, and you'll find a way though it to whatever then end of the journey is for you. (yep - I'm still telling myself this.)
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:	That the living with part is never as hard as you think it's going to be.  It's hard, but never impossible.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was:	My husband just held me, and stroked my hair and let me feel crappy - but he was there for me.
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because:	I want to raise awareness and participating might do that - at least in a very small way.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel:	A little awed, and a little weird, and a little hopeful.

Go See what other people have to say about their invisible illness over here: http://invisibleillnessweek.com/2010/08/10/share-about-your-life-with-illness-with-our-30-things-meme/


and - Many thanks to Karen at Bitter-Sweet Diabetes Blog for making me aware of Invisible Illness Week.