Retrieval

Today is Egg Retrieval.

There's not really a lot to say before retrievel is there?  Jakobe went in this morning to provide his deposit, and my best friend is picking me uyp and being my chauffeur today.  Waaay better than the cab ride home I had planned.

I'll be back to say how it went.

On anothers subject, kinda - when we started the process for this cycle, I asked the RE if I could keep nursing while we were going through it, and he said that it was okay.  there's no real research either way on how it affects outcomes, and whn he's had patients where it was difficult for them to conceive (even with IVF) the first time, he would reccommend that they enjoy the child that they have.  So - that's what we did.  I'm still nursing Niko, but as my hormone levels have gone completely crazy, my nipple have become incredibly sore, and it appears that my milk has mostly dried up.  we'll see what happens when they start to return to normal, but it still may be the beginning of the end.

I feel blessed to have been able to nurse her for almost 16 months at this point, and if this works, we may end up dry nursing for part of the pregnancy and then tandem nursing again later.  Or it doesn't work, and we've had that wonderful relationship, and maybe my milk will come back.  She still likes to nurse 3-5 times a day, it's just been a bit curtailed with all of the early RE appointments.

Almost a year

Where are those eggs again?

I have started to write a post about the last year several times. It all comes down to “What Is the right thing to say?”

It has been wonderful, exhilarating, exhausting, and every other thing that you can think of that might describe new parenthood (Sleep-deprived, messy, stinky, surprising, and fantastic also included.)

In the last year Niko has changed so much. And - so have we. in little ways. I will never win the housekeeper of the year award, and having a baby around has not helped my struggle in that department. I might be able to keep my house neat -- if we got rid of all of the stuff in it.

In the last week, she has started dancing when she heard music (okay, bouncing) gotten new teeth, and is standing more and more. She’s already taken a few steps, but she’s not yet actively walking. She’s a miracle.

Nope, not a runny nose,  potato salad!

For me, the adjustment wasn't as difficult as I thought it might be, even though I still don’t get to sleep through the night. This is courtesy of my internal granola tendencies (I’m a cloth diapering, breastfeeding, co-sleeping momma). I took a new job only a week or so after I got back from maternity leave, and it required a lot of overtime at the beginning, and has completely changed my work environment. but - it was good for me, and my future prospects, so I’m not going to complain about it. I’ve always been one for taking on too much.

We’re in a bit of limbo right now. I think I have to stop breastfeeding soon. I don’t want to, Niko doesn’t want to, but I’m pretty sure our RE will want me to. (and I may only cut back). We’re getting back on the roller coaster. It’s a bit crazy, because we’re pretty broke right now, but it is what it is. Jakobe’s insurance started covering IVF this year, so we have insurance coverage, and a credit with the RE. AND - if we have a second child, I would like them to be close in age, close enough to play together, and be friends, and to have shared experiences. Oh yeah, and not have to start diapers again after we finish with the first.

A blog first

I have to say that my last post was the first time I have received a negative comment on my blog, and it's taken me some time to figure out how I wanted to respond. For those of you who don't read the comments – here it is, so that you know what I'm talking about:

StaNMay 20, 2012 6:05 PM

Day care? Day care? DAY CARE for a 6 week old infant?!???

That is cruel! A baby deserves time to bond with its parents! Not to be banished to institutional care at the ripe old age of 40 days!!

I sure hope the first parents know you're doing this!! I cannot imagine any first mom would let an amom planning to dump a teeny-tiny baby in daycare!!!

I have a lot of things that I wish to say to this. Yes, I am going back to work after six weeks, which I don't think that anyone believes to be ideal, but in my household I am the primary breadwinner, and I don't have paid maternity leave. When I go back to work, my husband is staying home for two weeks, and then my mother-in-law will be here for the two days that I have to work the week of the fourth of July. This wasn't an easy decision for us, and there are many factors that come into play, like the fact that because of Jakobe's diabetes and the cost of health insurance, we can't afford for him to become a stay-at-home dad. Me being a stay-at-home mom was never an option, no matter how much I would like it to be. We are doing the best that we can.

As far as characterizing our daycare as “institutional care” I find it to be a gross mischaracterization of our plan, made by someone who has more politics than knowledge of our situation. The first parents know exactly what we are doing, as Niko will be attending the same in-home care as her first siblings.

Be outraged if you want. I am. I'm outraged that someone would come here, bringing the “mommy wars” with them, to tell me what a terrible mother I am before I've had even three weeks with my daughter. We all have to make choices and compromises.

Be outraged, I am. I am outraged that I live in one of the most advanced countries in the world, but I have no paid maternity leave. I am using every drop of my vacation and sick leave to stay at home as long as I can – and that's not right. Every other first world country has paid parental leave because they recognize the importance of family, and bonding, and how that makes for a stronger society, and most likely a more productive workforce whose mind is on their work while they are there, and not at home (or wherever their child is being cared for) with a child that the parents aren't ready to leave. So if I sound defensive, it's because I am. I want to stay at home longer, I want to be there with her, and I don't get to be. I can't imagine yet how hard it is going to be to go back to work. But, I don't really have a choice. Two rounds of IVF, and an adoption that fell in our lap from the gods have drained our savings, the money I had planned to use to cover the unpaid time off I wanted to take when I had a child. The short term disability policy that I've been paying for for years doesn't apply. Why? Because I'm not “recovering from childbirth.” The best laid plans, right?

So I guess what I am saying to StaN is: know what you're talking about before you make judgments. And if all else fails follow the golden rule. Or – just keep your damn mouth shut – you don't have the right to judge me.

To the rest of you: thanks for putting up with my rant, and maybe someday we can make a change to the family policies and politics of this country. Politicians like to say that family is central to our lived. Maybe it's time for them to put their votes where their mouth is.

On the Fist Week of Motherhood

Before I can say anything else, I just have to say, in a tone of utmost wonder I am a mother.

This week has been one of the most amazing weeks of my life. And as a capstone, My baby girl, the most beautiful baby you have ever seen, finished her very first bath... by pooping in her hoodie towel. Okay, maybe not finished, because she had to get back into the bath.

Sleep is a luxury, one that I treasure and don't get anywhere near enough of, but at the same time, there are small joys in the lack of sleep, like a head totally picked up so that a very small face can peer at you in the dark, that are unmatched in my dreams.

Niko was born last Friday, at 10:44 pm. She weighed 8 lbs 2oz, was 20.5 inches long, and had a head circumference of 13.5. for tho9se who care about other details, her apgar scores were 8 and 9 – both knocked down for color. The cord wasn't wrapped around her neck, just over her shoulder and around the rest of her like a boa constrictor. He first mother was a champion. She was induced first thing in the morning, but things didn't move very quickly until they broke her bag of waters at about 6 pm – after her epidural. When it came to pushing, it was all over in one contraction. So – Our daughter was born with a beautiful round head, instead of the common cone-head.

We stayed in the Hospital until late Sunday morning, long enough to avoid worst of the Bloomsday madness downtown. Once we got home, we all got settled in. First Mom was staying with us until we got her milk supply established, because she's pumping and providing breast milk to make up for my very limited production, so we had a room for her, and for her youngest son, so that she could cuddle her baby while she was here. She stayed until Thursday afternoon. In most ways it was great, but I wasn't prepared for the bustle of a bored thr4ee-year-old in my house, and sleeping during the day was just not possible.

Other things we did this week:

• On Monday, we went to court with first Mom while she relinquished their rights to Niko. When she came out of the courtroom I could tell that it was hard for her, but all she did was give me a great big hug, and tell me “She's yours now.”
• 
  
  On Tuesday, we saw the pediatrician, and the lactation consultant for the first time. Both appointments went well, but We learned that I am not all that great at getting Niko to latch correctly, and it was affecting my minimal supply in a negative manner. (I was an excellent student at the brain based stuff – but sports and coordination we not really my forte, and correct latching should be an Olympic sport.) Also – My sister and brother in law came over to visit.
• Wednesday, We didn't do much. My Mom came to visit on her way home from work. Just a lot of practicing and trying to make breastfeeding work better. Plus we were on an every 2 Hour schedule. (from start to start. Wake, feed, supplement, pump, sleep in whatever time was left) The while first family came over for dinner.
• Thursday, First mom went home in the early afternoon. I lent her one of my hospital grade rental pumps to use, instead of a manual pump. Hopefully it works better for her, and helps her out when she goes back to work. Thursday Night the whole family came back – So the dads could talk about one of their hobbies. Honestly – I just wanted to sleep.
• Friday, back to the lactation consultant. I'm still only makking about ½ an ounce of milk per feeding, but – I no longer have to pump in the middle of the night, and I have learned how to use the lact-aid, so w can breastfeed and supplement at the same time, and it should help my supply more than the breast pump did. My best friend and her finacee came over for our normal friday get-together, and he made us dinner. I love them!
  (...pause to feed the baby, and maybe run errands)

Note – that pause lasted 4 days. So, I figured that I had better post this while I have a moment.

Enter the whirlwind

Sometimes life just goes crazy on you, and the whirlwind comes and picks you up and takes you off to Oz.  That's about how I'm feeling right now.  The possible adoption that I mentioned before our IVF in the fall - they approached us again - We thought it had been taken off the table, and they thought we had decided not to.  Turns out we were both wrong.  So now I'm inhabiting the crazy world of trying to get the lawyer/home-study and everything else done.  Right now.  Why? because I'm a little bit paranoid about forgetting things, and because we're now expecting a little girl in May.

Is this the appropriate moment to say "Holy Sh*t!"?

In any case.  We all have an appointment with the Lawyer next Thursday, and I have an appointment with the Lactation Consultant this Friday.  We got most of our home-study packet last night, and I, at least, have started working on it.  To be fair, Jakobe was busy after it got here last night, and then he was at work today, so I can't expect him to have done all that much :)

I'm excited, and nervous, and scared.  I made my best friend go looking at BRU last night to burn off nervous energy.  No.  I did not buy anything.  I keep thinking off all the million things that we have to do, and worrying that we're not going to be good enough for the social worker, and we won't have a clean enough house (I'm thinking about enlisting M-I-L to that end.)

As a side note, it was amazing how un-monumental our appointment with the RE on Monday felt.  Basically, he didn't tell us anything we didn't expect to hear.  We're a little bit screwed on that front.  Oh well.  He still couldn't burst my bubble.

Anyway - anyone with experience with adoptive breastfeeding.  Let me know how your experience went.  I'm curious, and that's my plan.

Also - the expectant parents are wonderful and generous beyond words, and I can't express how much what they are doing means to us, and how sad I am for them at the same time.  I can't imagine.

Depression: or the State of my Kitchen

This could also be titled the State of My Marriage.  Jakobe and I are both depressed, and if you know anyone who likes to clean when they're depressed, the certainly don't live in our house.  Jakobe and I may deal with depression in different ways, but neither one of us has learned to channel it into housework.  He plays video games, avoids me, and sinks ever deeper into his world of Role Playing games.

I - I get irritable, I want Jakobe to spend more time with me - distracting me from the fact that I feel like shit about the universe, and I read (mostly extremely crappy romance novels - a large number of which are available for free on the kindle at the moment.)

Neither of us cleans.  this means that until today - our kitchen was approaching the definition of national disaster zone, and in fact, while trying to unload the dishwasher, I brushed a box of random crap, that was stacked on top of an empty box, that was in turn stacked on top of a chair.  Yep - all over the floor.  That that sent me into a cupboard door slamming, cleaning, swearing, completely unreasonable rage.  Thankfully - I get home about an hour before he does, and although he may not realize it, the worst of the rage had passed well before he got home.

Unfortunately, I feel a little bit like our marriage is in the same state that the kitchen was in - sadly in need of basic maintenance and care.  We've been trying, both of us, but it's like we just can't quite bridge the gap.  We've had some really good moments, but they're much farther apart than is good for us, and the rest of the time is like right now - he's hiding in the bedroom, and I'm letting him.  Also - going into a crazy rage is certainly not going to fix whatever apathy and depression has done to our relationship, it's just going to make it even worse.

Plus - we have this conversation hanging over our heads.  A conversation about IVF and our next attempt.  I'm trying not to assume I know what Jakobe is going to have to say, but I have this feeling in my gut that it's going to be the same song and dance all over again.  Mostly, that feeling cones from how he told me we needed to talk, but that he didn't want to do it right now.  Since I'm coping with this failure better than he is (and I'm not doing that great) I don't think that he wants to try again any time soon.  I don't want to wait too long.  I'm also falling out of love with our RE - but since he's the only option within 300 miles, and we paid to try three times with him, we're just going to have to keep with the plan.  Yay.

I'm still putting off the conversation.  I don't think we're ready yet.  and I certainly can do without the crying that will almost certainly result.  It never gets easier.  It never gets better.  It just keeps going on, hurting like hell and finding new ways to make us unhappy.

This is us - warts and all.  And I may have cleaned the kitchen in a fit today - but there's still the whole rest of the house looming.

Cars

I have the absolute worst luck with cars.  I can buy a car and have it go screaming in the void of Murphy's law within hours.

In 1998, my parents bought me a 1990 Ford Escort as a graduation present.  6 hours later, the timing belt broke on the freeway.  I fixed it, and nursed it through a couple of years until I broke my ankle while I was living in Seattle and having to drive a manual in rush hour traffic was not working out for me.

2001 - the Kia.  Great little car.  I once hit a pothole.  That bent the suspension and frame.  Oops.  It got totalled while I was underwater, and I had to refinance my house in 2004 to pay it off.

2004 - Borrowed a Jeep Cherokee. I drove it for a year. It's still in my front yard, as the owners moved to Germany (and then England) and the power of attorney ran out.  The water pump died, and the shop said that if I fixed it, it would probably only run for another six months anyway.

2005 - Bought a Chevy Corsica for $950.  The radiator cracked on my drive home.  There was a hole in the dash where the radio was supposed to be, and when winter hit, I discovered that the previous owner had bypassed the heater core instead of fixing it - so I had no heat.  I fixed the heater, and the radiator (Both, by myself, in my driveway.)  But, when the power steering fluid began to leak, I didn't bother to fix it.  I discovered that it was drive-able without the fluid, and well, when it leaked, the smoke gave be blood pressure problems and probably wasn't good for me.

I bought my last car in May of 2008, it was a 2000 Subaru Outback Limited, and it was beautiful.  Before the summer was over, I had not only jumped through a bunch of hoops to get it to pass emissions, but I had also replaced the head gasket.  I reasoned that this was not totally unexpected for a car with 140 thousand miles on it, and that If I just did the repairs, then I would have a reliable car.  I loved the car.  I loved everything about it.  Except for the fact that it had to go into the shop, over and over again, and every time It went in it cost me more than $2000 to have it fixed.  Plus the whole not having a car for a week at a time while they fixed it.  Or getting stranded on thanksgiving weekend in the middle of nowhere Washington with no heat in the car while it was 9 degrees outside (the second time the head gasket went).

Yesterday we took the Subaru to the shop to get looked at.  Diagnosis:  The head gasket, again.  The Catalytic Converter.  The water pump and timing belt, again.  The estimated bill:  $2800, and only because the parts from the last head gasket were still under warranty.

I couldn't do it anymore.  I had no faith that at the end of the day we were't going to be sitting at the mechanic again, sometime next year, with a car that wasn't worth as much as the repairs it needed - after the repairs were done.  So - we sold the Subaru to the mechanic.

Yesterday, we bought a certified 2009 Prius.  And then we decided that given my history, the extra money to extend the bumper-to-bumper warranty to 125,000 miles was definitely worth it.

So - Now we have a car payment.  And given that I have to start paying my student loans in January as well, we're going to have some adjusting to do.  But I just keep reminding myself that really the difference between car payments and repair bills is that car payments are predictable.  We're probably spending close to the same amount of money either way.

Photos - F*cking Eclipse!!!

*Type Here*

Sweeping up - trying to move forward.

I think that it's safe to say that everyone in our little house is a bit broken right now.  I've reached the point where I need to just pick up the pieces and try and figure out how to put things back together.  In some ways it's easier this time, because I've been in this ugly dank slime filled hole, and I can see  the hand and footholds I made to climb back out last time.  I can do it, and I will do it.

I tell myself it could have been worse, but in a way, the negative beta feels like a loss - a different loss than not being able to have a transfer.  Embry was alive when they put her back into my uterus, and I failed her.  I failed to keep her alive - to be the fertile soil that she needed to grow.  The nine days of wishing, and hoping, and acting pregnant are a cruel joke in the face of a negative beta.

But, we pick up, and we march on, and we look to the future.  I can't hope yet.  I don't feel it.  What I feel right now is stubbornness and determination.  Unfortunately mixed in with that is a fair bit of sadness and self loathing.

Even given all of that, I may be doing better than Jakobe.  He let himself hope a lot more than I did, and so fell farther.  We're struggling, and it doesn't help that the ways that we cope and need support are diametrically opposed.  He needs to pull away, to hide, and to nurse his wounds in solitude.  I - I need to be held, and to be assured that I'm not alone.  We're making it work, but it's hard.

I want to be able to close this  on a happy note, but I'm not sure where to find it.  I"m making it work, but only by letting things slip through my fingers that should probably be important.  At least I'm able to put a good face on it every day and get my shit done.

We have our WTF appointment on January 9th.

Impatience

I am lying in bed this morning, waiting for the clinic to call and give me today's instructions.  Waiting to find out how our embryos are doing.  My mind is racing and I can't doze anymore. 

Jakobe has gone to work, he had to go in very early today and basically get some favors so that he could leave the office early enough to go with me for the transfer, whenever it will be.  He has to work until 8:45, and then he has the rest of the day.  I am very grateful to the people who helped him out, and very irritated by how inflexible his work is being in general.  It's not like he's been asking for loads of time off, and he worked all day Friday, when I had my retrieval.   Grr.  I had to pick, and I picked that I wanted him with me today.  But, they couldn't get it worked out until yesterday, so we've been a little stressed by that.

Anyway, the clinic didn't call last time until after eight, so I need to be a bit more patient.  Maybe get up and eat breakfast?  Or listen to the C+B Transfer track?  I'm so trying to not go a little crazy over the next hour.  Then it'll just be a bit of boredom while I fumble through self-imposed bed rest today and tomorrow.

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The post I owed you yesterday...

...but I skipped because I wasn't doing anything.  It was my birthday, and my prerogative.  I had a very lazy day. Especially if you don't count getting up at the crack of dawn to go to the RE's office and have an ultrasound wand shoved up my hoo-ha and my arms poked with needles to remove my lifeblood.  But all in all it wasn't bad.

It was pretty good, and I had good News from the doctors office - all is proceeding according to plan.  I'm getting a little nervous, because now I only have about two and a half Gonal-F pens left.  and I'm pretty sure I'm right on the edge because if the timing matches last time, then I'll be triggering tomorrow night, and I won't need the extra, but If I follow the calendar I'm short.  I need to remember to talk to them about it tomorrow.,

Does anyone else suddenly feel even more bloated right after they do their injections?  It's like I know that I'm not actually any more uncomfortable than I was two minutes before, but suddenly it's like I can feel my ovaries expanding, yet again.  Plus - I feel like I have to fart - all the time, and I just can't (well not much, I *am* farting as much as possible because I feel like it's giving me a little release.)

...and now that I have crossed the TMI line all over again, we can return to our regular programming.

My birthday was great.  Jakobe and Heather bought me a ticket to a wine tasting and benefit, and we had a wonderful time.  We all went out for sushi beforehand.  Heather and I enjoyed it immensely, while Jakobe explored all of the non sushi items on the conveyor belt.  At the benefit I bought 3 small bottles of a port that I like, Even though I already have a bottle here at home, because it was available at a discount.  Now I don't have to worry about opening up a bottle - because I still have a couple more.  Anyway, that was the night before, on my birthday itself, with the exception of the part mentioned above, we hung around the house, watched TV and movies, ignored our chores, and went to Red Lobster for Endless Shrimp.

Details from the Doctor's office:

• E2 - 1657
• Progesterone - 1.19
• Follicles - they still counted 11, 5 on the left, 6 on the right.  Almost all of them were 15mm, one measured 16, and there was one - (I'm not sure if it was part of the count) - at 12mm.

I'm off to the RE again in the morning, and I half expect to be telling you all that trigger is tomorrow night.  Either way, I'll be owing you a post tomorrow.  Until then.

(Oh, and for those who might be counting, this was my 200th post.  It should be more significant, but Hey, I'm gonna let it slide for now.)

I cannot be trusted...

...with microdose Lupron, which must be kept refrigerated.  I have had two incidents in the last two days.

Incident one - I left it out, on the counter for three hours, while I went to dinner, and only thought about it after I crawled into bed.  Had to get back up again - put it in the fridge, have a freakout, and call the pharmacist in the morning.

Incident two - While trying to avoid a repeat of incident one, I asked Jakobe to "put it away" after I was done drawing up the Lupron injection.  I was sitting on the couch and trying to manage all three injections at once.  Unfortunately he heard "throw it away".  Oops.  There's an upside to this one.  Today is garbage day, so he took the garbage out last night.  And - it's November, so it cold outside.  A garbage can is like a fridge, right?  (I've been keeping it in the outer container, and miraculously, nothing got dirty...)

I cannot screw this up again, I may be out of free passes.

On a final note - I owe my nurse coordinator a bit of an apology.  I'm still irritated that it takes forever to hear back from her, but it was mostly the pharmacy's screw up.  They hadn't checked their voice-mail in hours when I got there.  She still called it in to the wrong pharmacy, but she did call it in to the right chain.  All is better now, and Jakobe started his antibiotics all over again last night.

Antibiotics are Evil

At least Docycycline is when prescribed to my Husband.  It makes his blood sugar go completely out of control, and high blood sugar makes him cranky (which is a bit of an understatement, when his blood sugar is high, his fuse is so short it might as well not exist.)

So, because he doesn't physically have enough insulin to keep up with the doxy, I called our nurse coordinator to see if we can get a scrip for something else.  It only took her a couple (three and a half) hours to call me back.  Then she was very rushed, and hurried me off the phone while I was trying to be sure that she had the right pharmacy to call the scrip in to.

Fast forward to my drive home from work, when I stop off at the pharmacy to pick up the scrip.  No Scrip, and none at any of the other pharmacies in the chain.  We don't have a scrip.  So - Here I am waiting, again, for her to call me back, and hoping that it'll be today, because Jakobe is *not* taking any more doxycycline.  It's just not okay.

Taking Time

Just a quick note to let you all know that I'm still here.  I'm very very behind on the reading of all of my blog buddies, and I expect to stay that way for a while.  I'll be working on a post this week for the Bust a Myth campaign, but other than that I'm still just here. Taking it a day at a time.  I've become very adept at pretending everything is fine, but I'm half-assing my schoolwork, and spending a lot of time reading fiction that takes me away from here.

I started spotting today, so I suspect that maintenance isn't too far away, which means that making a decision about a frozen cycle in June, or July isn't very far away either.

I love you all, and I'll be announcing the giveaway winner from my cycle later this week as well. ( As soon as I figure out how to do the random choosing.)

Pushing Through

This morning sucked.  I managed to write my short post, and to write out a quick post to Facebook, because my extended family know just about everything, and it's easier than having to tell people.  Then Jakobe and I went to a little diner we like and I drank 3 cups of coffee and ate way too much breakfast!  We stopped by to see my mom and sister, who both work in the same place.  My sister had called me all excited and hopeful for me this morning, and she was going to call me back about lunch time...  it was easier to tell her face to face.  They cried for us - and I cried a little bit more.

After that we came home, and I was very glad to have something to do to occupy myself (besides my homework, which I also got done and e-mailed to the Prof. because I don't feel like going to class tonight.) and that was to put together the patio set my mother-in-law bought us me for my graduation present.  It was kind of fun, and definitely good for me to have something to do with my hands.

Besides, you can see my pot of rhubarb behind the chair.  It seems to be dealing well with being dug up and put in a pot, and I've got strawberries on the way!

I've seen that there are a lot of questions about if we can transfer tomorrow - the Dr.'s office has stopped doing day 6 transfers because they have found that they have a higher success rate with vitrifying the embryos on day 6 and putting them back on Day 5 of a different cycle.  Something about that being when the endometrium is best prepared for them.  I know that they've got very very exacting rules, and that some of these are new policies there.  I'm hoping it's because they've learned what works the best in their clinic.  As it is, I know that in many other clinics we would have had a transfer today.  

Right now - I'm at home.  My tummy is a bit upset (probably from the coffee, which I don't usually drink anyway, but had this morning because I could)  I've written this post.  I'll probably eat some ice cream.  I may also try to read some of your blogs.

I am so glad that there's a support group meeting tomorrow.  Maybe I can get the last of my crying done there.

**Note:  I think that tomorrow will be the last day of my giveaway, seeing as that will be the last post in this IVF cycle.**

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My Petty Rebellion

Screenshot from www.starbucks.com

I had Starbucks Hot chocolate this morning.  And - When I looked it up then, it said that it had 25 mg of caffeine.  But, I drank it anyway.

Other than that, today was just a day - if you count the morning routine of getting up right before Jakobe leaves for work so that he can give my my PIO shot, and then waiting for 20 minutes in bed dozing, and then putting heat on it for another 20 minutes, and then finally getting up to face my day.

I have a secret for you - tonight I'm terrified.  I have hope tonight.  and I'm afraid that tomorrow morning will take it all away.  As much as I want the morning phone call, I don't want it.  I want to spend some more time in this happy limbo, where I just think that it might happen.  It's all too fast.  

Anyway - that was me - checking in.  I'll let you know tomorrow's news when I know it.

day 6

Today was a busy day, and it started with an early trip to the RE, followed by support group, and then a massage. The massage was really helpful when it comes to the darned headache I've has all week.

Anyway, I was in the massage when the nurse called, so I got instructions but no lab values. Up my Follistim to 375 tonight, and then split it up to 150 at 7 am ans 225 at 7 pm. I guess I won't be slleping in anymore. At the ultrasound he saw 8 small follicles on the left, and then when we got to the right, it looked like it had gone to the races, ther were 3 small ones over there, and also 3 larger ones, measuring 13, 12, and 11. Now I guess we hope that the rest of them start to catch up? Also, my lining was apparenly good... 5mm type 1? I haven't taken the time to google the heck out of everything yet, so...

Other than that, Jakobe and I grabbed lunch, and then started (just barely) to tackle our patio project, I did a bit of laundry, and I re-read Clan Of The Cave Bear. I can't wait to finish re-reading the rest of them so I can justify buying the new one, but tomorrow, I'd better do homework, or I'm screwed.

Good Night Everyone!

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The Fish and the Egg

I went out to my sister's house today, because we were going to look at and possibly buy a recliner for my dad that I found on craigslist in her town.  He has really needed one, and the furniture in his apartment is undersized for him, uncomfortable, and just not right.  Turns out that the recliner we found for him was just perfect, so we bought it, and then took it to his house as an early birthday present.  And then - we couldn't get in because my sister didn't have her key, and he was gone to Montana for the day to go on a date (Go Dad!!!)  Sis called him up when he got home and they brought it up for him.  He loves it.

Also - today I got to explain IVF to my nephew - after my sister told me "He knows about the egg and the fish."  Mostly because this was the second time in the past couple of weeks that he asked me if I wanted a baby.  I said yes, and then he asked how people get babies.  So the discussion involved how people only usually have one egg at a time, but I was going to the doctor so that I could make lots of eggs (Nephew: "there was this dog, and it had lots of babies, so it had lots off eggs." Me: "Kinda like that, but I'm not going to have lots of babies, only one or two.")  And then how the doctor was going to take all the eggs out of my tummy with a needle, and then put Jakobe's fish in the egg with another smaller needle, and then watch to see which ones grow the best, and then put only two of them back.  I don't know that he'll remember the conversation, but it was interesting to try and explain.  And I can just imagine the mental imagery.


{Begin bitch session}

My cousin is pregnant again.  The one who has 3 girls, and whose husband didn't want any more kids because they're walking a financial tightrope as it is.  The one who just has to look at him funny and gets knocked up.  The one who told my sister she should just have another one now so that they could be pregnant together.  Yeah.  It makes me so angry, and sad, and jealous.  I am not rational about this.  But even my sister, her best friend, thinks that this was not probably the best move she could have made - and she did it on purpose.

Enough whining and bitching on my part.  I think.

Anyway - still waiting for maintenance to start, still spotting, still cramping, and still not getting to have sex with Jakobe.  Grr.  (Shit, I forgot I was done whining.)  So there's no further movement on the IVF front.  Just more hurry-up-and-wait.  My new schedule at work starts tomorrow, so I don't have to be there until 8:30.  It's going to be a bit strange going to work that late, but it's better than using up more of my non-existant sick time (I've been sick a lot this year).

Excitement all around!

First bit of news.  Foxy got her BFP!  I am so excited her her and her husband, and I just couldn't help but share.  Go say hi, and congratulations - She adores comments.  In the meanwhile, I'm having a little party right here on my blog for her.  (See - it even has balloons!)

As for me - I had my blood work this morning (and our injection class, Where Jakobe made fun of my binder and told the nurse " you should have seen the one from the wedding!"  anyway.  Got the call this afternoon, and with an estrogen of less than 20 and a progesterone of 1.1, I am officially suppressed, and so I am good to go.   Last birth control pill tonight.  Maintenance (AF) sometime this weekend (Thank the gods, I think that if I had to deal with spotting any longer, I'd start to go crazy. I'd pull my hair out.).  So I guess this means that we're starting.

I am taking page out of Foxy's book, and I will be doing a cycle giveaway.  I haven't quite decided on what it will be, but I have an idea - besides, I've never done a giveaway so I think that it's about time.  If I find the perfect thing this weekend, then we're in luck.  I'm gong to start counting comments as entries on Wed, when I start stims.

Wordless Wednesday: Nightly Ritual