Schrödinger's cat

We did it.  We went in for our beta.  This means that in a few short hours I won't be able to pretend that I'm pregnant anymore.  I'm terrified.  I cried on the way home.  Jakobe is telling me only positive things.  But, I'm trying to be prepared for the worst, to expect the worst.  I'm afraid that I manufactured all of my symptoms like a crazy woman grasping at straws.

The box is open, we just haven't looked yet.

Uncertainty

It's hard to know exactly how I'm feeling right now.  Jakobe was really upset earlier today.  he is worried about the amount of money we are going to be spending on IVF and I can't say that I blame him.  At the same time, I am very irritated with him for a couple of reasons.  One, that he didn't bring up his money concerns until now.  I feel a little bit blindsided.  And two, that he has left all the money matter in what he calls my capable hands, but he doesn't trust me to do it right and keep us from gettting into trouble.  It is a lot of money,and we are behond where I hoped to be at this point, ut at the same time I don't think that it is way beyond our means or that we'll be making a big mistake.

I just don't know.  I don't think I can wait much longer than we had planned and keep my sanity.  Infertility is already costing us so much on an emotional level that i don't want those costs to continue to add up and then pile the costs of actually trying on top of them.  Instead of feeling like this obstacle is bringing us closer together, I feel like it'S turning into a wedge.  I find myself thinking that Jakobe doesn't want to have sex anymore because it won't have a chance of resulting in pregnancy...  or that he's thinking that he's lucked out and found a way to give me the kids I want without having to have sex.  And I know these thing are not true...  but I think them sometimes anyway.

I want to be past this, I want to know if it worked or if it didn't,  I want to leave all of this uncertainty and longing and fear behind,  I want to go back to a world where we don't have to fight so hard for each scrap of happiness.

I think it's good news

But it doesn't seem real to me.  It's strange, but that's how I feel right now.  This weekend Jakobe told me that we should try IVF.  It's what he wants too.  Now - I'm having a hard time accepting it.  Part of me feels like if I let myself believe that we're going to take this chance, something else will come and snatch it away from me.

It was a bit of a tumultuous weekend for us.  We went camping with my mom and her boyfriend and a bunch of his family, who we didn't know.  Friday night was rough, Jakobe hit traffic snarls and was very grumpy when we finally got up to the campsite.  The first thing that happened when we saw each other was an argument.  I'd like to say that us arguing is unusual, it used to be, but we seem to be arguing more and more recently.  In any case, I ended up in tears. Tears that I then had to hide when we were called back to the campfire with the rest of the family.  Not good timing.  Also - not the only crying it did this weekend.

Saturday started bright and early (we borrowed this tiny tent because we really didn't want to set ours up in the pitch black (there was no moon Friday night) and our mattress didn't quite fit, and it was pretty comical overall.  But after setting up our tent and sometime in the mid-afternoon we had a real heart-to-heart (yep - that's where more crying came in).  I'm still not absolutely sure that he didn't just capitulate because it's what I want - but he says that Watching my BIL and our nephew together made him realize that he really does want kids.

So, treatments are definitely in the plan now.  I don't think that we'll take any steps in that direction until after our vacation next week.   We need the time to rest and recharge - and we have plenty of time.  I don't think we can possibly have all the money we need to have saved until late next spring anyway.  The other decision that we made was that we'll be going with the 3 tries plan, because it makes it possible for us to have more than one attempt.

Next things on our list treatment wise:

Repeat SA for Jakobe (maybe something changed? - a girl can hope)
Karyotyping for Jakobe
Find out timing needed for infectious disease tests

SAVE MORE MONEY

Good Advice

My sisters are all younger than I am, but that doesn't mean that I ignore them, especially when they're giving really excellent advice.  Meg had some for me on Saturday, and I'm trying (albeit unsuccessfully) to take it more to heart.

For a little bit of background, my sister Meg is here on infertility island with us - over at RPL Bay, and she's been here about a year longer than I have.  In truth it's as much observation on her part as it is advice, but Here's my best approximation.

She thinks that part of our struggle is because I'm so goal oriented, and if I want something I make a plan, and figure out the steps needed to get there.  In terms of TTC, this meant that when we actually started trying, I jumped in headfirst.  Non of that easy, we won't prevent for a while and we'll see what happens for me.  I started charting, and planning, and generally doing my damnedest to get knocked up as fast as possible.  Some of that was fear, because I knew that things were probably not going to be as easy as they might have been because of my endometriosis.  Part of that was expediency - the endo makes having periods miserable, and I was sure that being off the pill was going to suck, I'd actually had a year an a half of periods that *didn't* suck.

Now that I've filled you in on my attitude, and my excuses explanations, we can get to her advice/commentary. She thinks that part of the reason that Jakobe may feel threatened by the idea of kids (yep, he thinks that he might lose me to the child, and I wouldn't have time for him anymore) is because I've been so focused on having them.  That maybe I've made him feel a bit like a means to an end.  That I should back off, and give him space.  That maybe what we need is some time to try living just the way we are.  And she might be right.

But...

...I'm 30.
...I don't want to miss out because we waited too long.
...I need to know what we choose so that I can do the right thing by my body.
...I can't seem to make myself stop wanting.
...I don't know how to let go of goals/dreams easily.
...I want that piece of *us* to carry us in to the future.
...I want to see Jakobe and our child together, someday.
...I want to try.

The Plan

I know - Sounds so good, but I'm really still in limbo, but it's about time I took charge of those things that I *can* control, so that's what I'm doing.  I guess you can say that I've already started some of this (like the chores list to keep the house up) but all the same - I think it's time for a coherent plan.

1. Actually exercise (and yes - going for a walk with Jakobe after dinner does count,  and so does energetic *Mmmph*)  I actually miss exercise.  I did triathlons in the none too distant past , and even though I was the epitome of the "Slow Fat, Triathlete" it was a blast, and I felt good both physically and about myself when I was doing it.
2. Keep a neat House.  This is where the chore list comes in, and we've been using it since Monday - so far it's working out well, although I feel bad, because I feel like Jakobe's been getting a lot more done than me.  I feel like we've got a week or two to play catch-up before we can reasonably be expected to do each day's list all at once, because I wrote it as a maintenance list, and not a "Holy shit, the house is out of control and we have to fix it" list.
3. Lose weight.  Somehow or another(we will not mention cheesecake, chocolates, cookies, or any of the other things I knew better than to eat, but consumed anyway), in the last couple of weeks I put back on 5-10 of the 30 lbs I lost last year, and I still needed to lose more, so that's definitely going in the wrong direction.  If we go the IVF route, it would be nice to lose some more of this extra weight before starting.  Jakobe needs to lose some too - We know because his endocrinologist yelled at him for putting on wight after he figured out how to eat potato chips again.
4. Get back to actually tracking our spending.  When I track - We usually spend less money.  In addition - we've got some outlays coming up, ophthalmologists, sheet-rock, whatever.

So - here's where you all come it to this - I think I should be keeping myself accountable by posting my progress on the plan as it occurs.  Maybe a weekly check in?  

In other news:

Jakobe applied for a different position where he works - less talking to brainless people on the phone, and more data entry.  I think that his employer thinks that it's a higher stress job, but we think the opposite.  Plus - it's a significant raise, which is all to the good.  The bad news - If he gets the job, then he can't go on vacation the week after his birthday, and we won't even know if he's really in the running until it's too late to cancel the condo...  So.  The backup plan for vacation is that I take my youngest sister with me for a week at the ocean, and he stays home and does the training for the new job.  Not ideal, but he'd be really pissed if we cancelled the condo, and then he didn't get the job.  As much as I really want him to be able to go on vacation with me - I hope he gets the job more - because I think he'll be a happier person in general.  I guess he'll go an vacation without me later.

The power of Words

As I finished yesterday's post, I started working on this one.  Realizing that I've gone back to an IF statement instead of a WHEN statement is a bit like admitting defeat.

I don't feel like I can be sure that we're going to try and make it happen.  In the meanwhile, while Jakobe is trying to figure out how he feels, I'm trying to figure out how to be happy - no matter what it comes down to.  It's tough.  I get stopped in my tracks at least a couple of times every day.  Sometimes it's little things - like the kids down the street riding their bikes.  Usually it's the everyday things that get me.

Our counselor thinks that Jakobe is mildly depressed - and probably has been for a long time.  She also thinks that he won't be able to make a decision, or be able to ferret out how he really feels without removing the depression from the equation.  She recommended an SSRI to help get him back onto an even keel, but cautioned that it takes a month to 6 weeks for it to really start working.  When he called his doctor - they wanted to see him in the office first, before prescribing it (and that I understand completely), but he doesn't seem to have much urgency himself.  What urgency he's expressing is because I haven't been as good at hiding my impatience as I should have been.

I hate being in limbo, and the more time I spend here, the less hopeful I feel.  I keep trying to take the pressure off, because I don't feel like Jakobe needs me breathing down his neck, he's got enough to deal with.  I wonder how other people have dealt with/are dealing with all of this, and feel like they must have figured it out better than we have.