24 December 2010

Happy Holidays

So I know I've been pretty absent around here, and I would promise to change my ways, but I don't want to make a liar out of myself.

The holidays can be difficult. They really haven't been bad for me in the past, but the extended family christmas to night was great, and it sucked. Why does everyone have to ask you when you're going to have kids.. or why you dont.

My cousin, who I haven't seen since Jakobe and I started dating was the one with the questions, plus, she's a holistic health professional, who felt like she could tell me that she could fix everything and make it all right infour months. Doesn't she know, hope kills. I can hardly deal with the amount of hope that IVF is giving us at the moment, and to go haring of on another goose chase is most likely not in our best interests. I'm just copming back to myself again, and it's hard.

Back to the problems with the party. There's a great big group of everyone else's kids running around underfoot, which is how it's shupposed to be. But - all my cousins are younger than I am because I'm basically the oldest of my generation. And my uncle was showing off his new baby over skype... I'm jealous, and I feel like crap about it. And my sister has this great opportunity to adopt a baby, and I'm so happy for her if it's what she wants, because I want her to be happy, but at the same time, I'm a little sad for me, and I feel like a bad person, like a bad sister.

Anyway, that's my holiday bitching. There's lots of other crap going on, and If things work out for the best, wde might become insta-parents of a teenager, but it's all craziness that I can get into later. Let me leave you all with these thoghts. Happy Holidays, merry Christams. Good Jul, and may some of our wishes find a way to become realities.
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13 November 2010

Money Matters

I have a hard time believing how successful we've been in saving a lot of money in a relatively short period of time.  I instituted what I lovingly call the "Downright Evil" Budget, and sometimes we almost actually stick to it...  Jakobe has a way of encouraging me to spend money anyway - but we're still doing a lot better than we were before. 

As of right now, we have saved approximately $9,000 of the $12-14,000 in cash we'll need to be able to pay in February for the March IVF cycle.  The rest of it will be reimbursed buy 2 different Health savings accounts I have and what I hope will be a sizable tax return.  So we'll have a bunch of cash to pay - and a couple of nearly maxed out credit cards for a month or two while waiting for reimbursements.  I'm proud of us.

Also - in the next couple of weeks the refinance of our house should go through - meaning that we'll have no house payment in December (more savings) and lower house payments in the future.  Yay!

I'm starting to think that IVF in march isn't quite as much of a pipe dream as I thought.  We can do it.

11 November 2010

Something new

This is my first attempt at something like this, so let me know if you like it, and if you'd like to see more of them.

08 November 2010


A year ago today I wrote my first blog post here.  I thought that this space was going to be something I could use to share my recipes, and post photographs, and try and find my creative side again.

A year ago today, I was not so happily dealing with the fact that I still wasn't pregnant, and feeling like a failure because what I wanted was a baby, it just wasn't something I seemed to be able to do.

A year ago today, I didn't really have any idea of what the next year had in store for me.

Today, this blog has become a touchstone for me, and is very different than what I pictured.  There have been recipes, and photographs, and occasionally some writing that I'm really proud of.  There have also been tears, and fear, and facing some of the biggest dragons of my life - and because of this blog, and the people who are out there reading it, I wasn't alone.

Today I look back at the me of a year ago, and I wish I could tell her:

You are strong enough for what life has handed you.  It's okay to be afraid and disappointed, because that's certainly going to happen.  and it's okay to feel let down, and to shake your fist at the gods and ask "Why me?"

As alone as you may feel, you're not, because Jakobe is there - trying to hold you up and you will return the favor, because you can always lean on the people in your life, and because the travelers on this road with you know how bumpy and rutted the path is - they've skinned their knees as they've fallen - but together dust yourselves off and take the next steps.

Today, I'm trying to find my way out of the depression that has stolen much of my energy over the last couple of months.  I can look back at my blogging and see where I started to spiral away from myself.  Coming back here to write is maybe one of the first signs that the medication is starting to work, and that I am returning to myself again.  I won't lie, this has been hard, and I'm not always good at it, but I am a better, richer, more loved, and more aware person than I was, a year ago today.

12 October 2010

Not such a great idea

I'm not absolutely sure how I should present this here - but I told Jakobe I was going to share it, becasue something this outrageous cannot go without being shared.

He has had a brilliant idea on how to make me feel better.

Are you ready?

Cause it's a little bit out there...

Does this help?

Or maybe this?

Still a bit stumped? - or too chicken to guess?...

His suggestion:  We should shove a fertilized egg up my (*&^% so that I can lay an egg, hatch a chick, and get to experience motherhood in some form...

yep - He really said that.

To give him credit - He was trying to make me smile, and he certainly got a reaction.

11 October 2010

Yikes! Tagged again...

Okay - so I've been reading on other people's blogs when they were tagged, and I have to admit that I was feeling just a tad bit jealous and unloved.  But now I've been tagged twice.  Thanks!

Now if only feeling a tad bit jealous and unloved would get me knocked up.

Anyway - Thank you to Foxy - I'm honored that you specifically mentioned me.  Oh, and Jakobe had every intention of answering the question you posed him on his blog, but I think he got lazy!

1. What is your favorite holiday and why?
 My favorite holiday would have to be Christmas.  I love spending the time finding the perfect gift for everyone, and I spend waaay too much time creatively wrapping the gifts and making my own ribbons and bows and generally getting all crazy like.  You get to see family, share how much you love people, and have champagne and open presents in your pajamas! 

2. How much time do you spend on the phone? on blogger?
 I personally don't usually spend more than 30-40 minutes on the phone for personal stuff every day, and half of that is talking to Jakobe when he's on his breaks at work.  Yes - we still call eachother about 3 times during every work day.  It started while we were dating, and it continues.  I think it's a lovely way to keep connected and to touch base, especially on days when I have school and I'm away from home form 7 AM until about 10 PM.
I don't spend all that much time on Blogger, only the time when I'm actually writing posts - I spend a lot more time on Reader, which is where I try (emphasis on try) to keep up with the blogs that I follow.  Probably about an hour a day.
3. What are your favorite TV shows?
I have been watching too much TV.  May favorites would have to include Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Stargate Universe, Burn Notice, and  NCIS.  I miss Battlestar Galactica, and some of the othe SciFi shows...  Some of these are favorites because Jakobe and I watch them together, and some are just guilty pleasures that I just have to watch.  Remind me I'm supposed to ride my bike while watching TV...  It's exercise at least.
4. How did you meet your lover?
My high school boyfriend (who happens to be Jakobe's best friend) and his wife decided that Jakobe and I should date.  But they were really sneaky about it because Jakobe and I were both seeing other people at the time, and they just invited both of us to come to play that same role playing game at their house once a week.  I mostly didn't notice him too much until he started flirting with me (turns out, he was trying to show one of the other guys how to flirt) and well, I was a hopeless flirt - I couldn't help but flirt back, and then it started getting past friendly flirting.  The rest is history.
5. What is your favorite color of nail polish?
I rarely wear nail polish.  But when I paint my nails they're usually a muted shade of red.  I try not to get too crazy anymore, and it chips so damn fast that I just can't keep up.  (oh, and I'm not really girly)
6. What in your life are you most proud of, personally or professionally?
I'm most proud of the fact that I have my shit together and have had for a long time.  I can take care of myself and I do.  I'm proud that I bought myself a house just before my 24th birthday.  I'm proud of the fact that I'm 30 years old, and I have 15 years of experience in my field.  Finally I'm proud of the face that I got off of my rear and have gone back to school - it's been extremely inconvenient and time consuming, but I'll be done in June, and it will be awesome!
7. Did you have a Bachelorette Party? What did you do?
I did,  It was great.  We got hotel rooms and then took a shuttle downtown where we went out for sushi, and then hit the bar for a drag show.  The only lap dance of my life was given to me by a drag queen!  I got waaay to drunk (courtesy of my mom and sisters) and then went back to the hotel, where my sisters saved me from being the most embarrassing drunk there (no details here, but damn - I don't think I'll be able to top them!, Nor do I want to.) 

8. Where do you blog from? (I mean, where is your computer, describe the setting.)
Where I blog from changes depending on the post or on the day.  Sometime I blog from my phone, and that from wherever I happen to be at the moment. Right now, I'm blogging from my Data Communications and Networking fundamentals class - the professor is basically reading us the slides that came with the book, and most of this stuff I'm already familiar with.  Once in a while I'll write a post while I'm at my desk at work - either during my lunch break, or after work but before I go home for the day.  Most of the time though - I blog on my laptop while sitting on the couch...  I keep trying to set up a workspace for myself - but right now it's covered with a filing box, bills, fabric, and the cat's foos and water.  So I can't sit there...

I'm not quite ready to pick out a list of people to tag...  so, if you're reading this and haven't been tagged yet.  You're it!

05 October 2010

Post-it Tuesday: I'd like to say more...

Thanks Suzy for revealing the option of Post-it Tuesday to me.  I'm feeling guilty for not keeping up... but I'm still here.  Here are a few things I've been thinking about.

27 September 2010

I got Tagged...

...by Marianne at My Violet Thoughts

So how does this work?  She's asked me several questions that I get to answer, and then I choose some of the bloggers that I read to answer questions that I think up.

Her questions for me:

1) If you could go back in time and choose a different career path what would you choose?

I'm still working on mine, but if I were to go back in time, I would choose to have faith that I would find a way to pay of the loans and I would go to medical school.  It was a big dream of mine, and part of me really regrets not making it happen.

2) If it was possible to know what would be going on in your life 5 years from now would you want to know?  Or would you want to be surprised?

This one is kind of up in the air.  Part of me really likes surprises, and I really think that know int the outcome causes you to make different choices, and therefore changes the outcome anyway.  So - I'll stay in the dark, and take each day as it comes.

3) What character from a book, movie or tv show is most like you?

I just don't know.  I've never found one character that really feels like me, althoguht I've found characters that seem to do well for bits and pieces of me like Abby from NCIS, and Merry Gentry from Laurell K Hamilton, or Phedre from  the Kushiel books... or even Armida from "A tale in the suicide Mountains"  I'm a bit all over the place....

4) What's your family's best holiday tradition?

We've got a great big upheaval in family traditions right now - my parents got divorced a couple of years ago, and don't speak much now.  One of the best ones was getting together Christmas morning/afternoon, having brunch in our PJs and exchanging gifts.  Certainly something I would like to see continue, and something I want to carry on to another generation.  

The other thing that happens every year is that the extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc - there are about 50 or more of us) get together for Christmas eve and do a white elephant gift exchange.  It's crazy - but a whole lot of fun.

And now I get to tag some others, Questions first:

  1. What would you say is the craziest thing you've ever done?
  2. If you had to pick one thing to describe yourself as a child what would it be (the shy one, the quiet one, the crazy one, the pretty one, etc..)?
  3. If you could go an vacation anywhere in the world for as long as you wanted (No obstacles), where would you go.
  4. What is your Favorite Color?
  5. If you had three wishes, and you could only use them for other people, what would you wish for?
I'm tagging:

22 September 2010

4 million!!!

Jakobe had his repeat SA and the results showed marked improvement.  OTOH the nurse was quite surprised at my excitement - she kept saying "You know this isn't good, right?" and I had to tell her that it was so much better then before I had every right to be excited.

I don't have the full report, but here are the highlights:

Semen - Normal, no White blood cells, no agglutination, PH normal, liquefaction Normal

She didn't say anything about volume or concentration

And now for the good stuff!

Morphology: 3%
Motility (rapidly forward): 50%
Total Count (my guess): 8 million
Total Motile: 4 MILLION!!!!

That's a damn sight better than 20 thousand funny shaped sperm that sit there and wiggle.

Apparently the plan is still to continue with IVF with ICSI  - but when we get a little bit closer, I think it's something we'll want to talk about.  Is there a way to split the difference?

In other news:

  • I decided against ICLW this month, September is always really busy for me, and my night classes start today.
  • We now have about $7500 in savings, even after we had to put $1100 of work into Jakobe's car.  Oh well, you gotta know that things like that are going to happen.
  • I'm still unmotivated and a little depressed - and what's worse, I can't seem to work up the motivation to do something about it either.
  • We graduated from couples Counseling - at least until we start treatments, when we might need it again. 

14 September 2010

30 things about my Invisible illness that you may not know...

This week is Invisible illness awareness week.  There are all kinds of invisible illnesses out there,  and they touch our lives in many interconnected ways.  My husband has Diabetes, I have endometriosis, we are infertile.  All of these things are invisible. When we walk down the street you can't look at us and say - oh yeah, they've got a problem.  You can't see if we're hurting, or tell if it's been a particularly rough day.  Looking from the outside, it's impossible to see all of the changes and adjustments made in a life to work around an illness.  But all of these adjustments, disappointments, and victories are still there, and they're just as hard won as visible scars.  SO I guess, I'm showing you all my invisible scars, just a little bit.  

I'm posing this meme twice, because for us anyway, my endometriosis and our infertility are two separate things.  They hurt in different ways, and have changed my life in different ways.  I'm starting with Endometriosis - because well, I've lived with it a lot longer.

My husband just held me, and stroked my head, and let me feel crappy.  He didn't try and fix it - just did his best to hold me and help me through. of Awareness, and hoping that I can help, just a little bit, to raise awareness of things that you can't see.

Question Endometriosis Answer Infertility Answer
 1. The illness I live with is:  Endometriosis Infertilty
 2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 1999 2010
 3. But I had symptoms since:  Puberty for the most part - I thought it was normal until I was in pain every day.  I had several ruptured ovarian cysts in 1997, and I guess that was the big start of what I might call symptoms. Symptoms?We started trying to get pregnant in June of 2009 - and well, it didn't work.  Turns out it had very little chance of working.
 4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is:   Sounds silly, but carrying narcotic pain pills pretty much all the time.  the last couple of years have been good to me - so my bad days are fewer and farther between, but they can be really really bad.  I spent a night in the ER last month, because I need morphine to make the pain go away. (that and we had to make sure that it wasn't appendicitis - again!) Learning how to wait, let go, and not *DO* something.  I'm still learning, and it's still hard.
 5. Most people assume:  I'm not sure what, if anything people assume.  I think for the most part, people just don't really know about or understand it anyway. That it's not as big of a deal as it is.  It';s been one of the biggest stressors of my marriage, and there's no easy solution or answer.
 6. The hardest part about mornings are:  Trying to figure out if I can make it to work without taking a pain pill on bad days.  It's a bit of a guessing game, and if I get it wrong, my day starts of really really bad, and it's hard to get ahead of it. I still take my temperature - and the hardest thing is when it's going up and up - it makes me hope, even when there's no real reason to.
 7. My favorite medical TV show is:  Grey's Anatomy, but House is a close second.  I guess it's all the interpersonal stuff in Grey's that really keeps me coming back.
 8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is:  My barley pillow.  It's a take anywhere heating pad, all you need is access to the microwave.  I can heat it up in the morning before I get into the car, and then use it the whole drive in. The internet, and this blog.  Without this outlet and the ability to talk about everything here, I think that I might have fallen apart.  everyone out here makes each day just a little bit easier to bear, and that's a great big help.
 9. The hardest part about nights are: Falling asleep.  The medicine can make me tired, but it also keeps me awake.  it's a major catch-22.  Can't sleep without it, can't sleep with it. The dreams.  Sometimes they're so real, that it's wrenching to wake up to reality.  
 10. Each day I take 9-25 pills & vitamins. (No comments, please):  On good days, I just take my basics, on bad days it's usually 5-6 pain pills every 6 hours, plus the ones I take already. I started on Metformin because we thought it might help.  I'm still taking it, but it's hard to say why sometimes.  
 11. Regarding alternative treatments I:  Stopped really believing that they work a long time ago.  I decided that I needed to stop looking for a miracle cure, and instead learn how to live with what I've got.  It's been working, for the most part. Since I struck out so bad with alternative treatments with the endo, I didn't venture too far down this path - although Jakobe might have something else to say about it - I make him take a lot more vitimins that he ever did before.  Just Hoping that they might make a difference.
 12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Probably invisible, I've got experience at it, and I can pretend to others that it doesn't exist.  I don't have to think about it on a good day.
 13. Regarding working and career: I've had to call in sick because I hurt too much to get out of bed more days that I care to count.  Also - I end up driving to and from work while on pain meds, because I just can't be gone that much.  It's a fact of life. One of the things that irritates me is that my employer chose to have absolutely no infertility coverage in any of the 10 different insurance plans we're offered.  I wish that could have asked for that coverage in one plan - it would have been more expensive, but there would at least have been an option.
 14. People would be surprised to know: That I always worry that I'm being a wimp, and that I'm making a bigger deal out of my pain than it really is. That I've thought hard about just not trying to have a family, and pictured what our life would be like.  It's not bad - and we travel, and buy nice houses, and have great vacations.  I guess it's Plan C, or maybe D.
 15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: Accepting that it won't ever go away.  Most of the time I refuse to let it mess with my life or my plans anymore That I can't fix it.
 16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Go off of birth control.  When I finally found one that really worked to suppress the endo, it was like the world was a completely different color.  I dreaded stopping it, and didn't want life to go back to how it was before.  Right now, I'm hormone free, and I guess I've learned to live with it much better than I did before, because it hasn't been as terrible as I feared. I don't know yet - Right now, I'm not sure that we'll ever be able to have children, and That's something I want to be able to put behind us.
 17. The commercials about my illness: Don't exist. Well, they aren't about infertility per-se b ut that while Pregnancy test commercial thing - so very directed at women who are trying (and not being immediately successful) to get pregnant.  No one else really has all that much interest in which test can tell you one day sooner than the others...  and infertiles often buy lots and lots of pregnancy tests...
 18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: I guess I have this one easier than other people, because I don't really think of anything I've actually given up anymore.  I miss having a completely pain-free day, but then again - I hardly notice on most days.  Spending money on frivolous things - every time I spend money now, I think about how it sets back our family building goals.
 19. It was really hard to have to give up: Right after I was diagnosed, I gave up going to school, it was too much for me to handle, and I couldn't figure out how to function well yet.  I've since gone back - but that was a very hard choice to make. The picture in my head of what our life was going to be like.  Right now I have a fuzzy indistinct tapestry of hope and fear, and there's no clear picture.
 20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: The SCA (Society fro Creative Anachronism)  Playing there involves a lot of different hobbies, wrapped up into one. It's great! No new hobbies - my time was pretty full before, and I'll admit to being a little bit obsessed.   Its' still pretty new, comparatively.
 21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Honestly? Revel in it.  Have lots of great sex and not worry about if I'll end up hurting later! Be happy, and remind myself about who I am without all these desires hanging over my head.
 22. My illness has taught me: That I can deal with a lot more than I ever thought I could. That I love my husband more than I ever thought possible.
 23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: I don't have anything here.  I don't tell a lot of people, and If I do, they don't have much to say. "You can always adopt."
 24. But I love it when people: this pretty much follows along with number 23... Give me space, and don't try to give me advice or fix things.
 25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: I don't have a lot of quotes to carry me through tough times, but I'm always telling myself  "It is what it is.  You can't go back, and you can't change things.  The only thing to do is move forward, and try to figure out what to do from here."
 26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: That it sucks, but that it isn't the end of the world.  That I thought that it was a death sentence for the life I had planned - and that it would make me miserable forever.  I was wrong.  Tame passes, you adjust, and you learn that you can deal with whatever you have to.  it stops being such a big deal, and you learn to cope.  You can have whatever life you want. I'm so sorry.  There are options, but take you time and figure out what is right for both of you.  Hold on tight to each other, and don't let go, and you'll find a way though it to whatever then end of the journey is for you.

(yep - I'm still telling myself this.)
 27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: That the living with part is never as hard as you think it's going to be.  It's hard, but never impossible.
 28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was:My husband just held me, and stroked my hair and let me feel crappy - but he was there for me.
 29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I want to raise awareness and participating might do that - at least in a very small way.
 30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: A little awed, and a little weird, and a little hopeful.

Go See what other people have to say about their invisible illness over here: http://invisibleillnessweek.com/2010/08/10/share-about-your-life-with-illness-with-our-30-things-meme/

and - Many thanks to Karen at Bitter-Sweet Diabetes Blog for making me aware of Invisible Illness Week.

07 September 2010

Random Tears

You just never know when they're going to happen.  And - it's been happening to me a lot as of late.  Work is stressful, and well - life hasn't really been going entirely according to plan.  Not that it ever does, but well, a girl can wish.  Today's random tears are brought to you by the movie Julie & Julia.  The movie touches upon infertility in the most glancing way, but it was all the more poignant for it.  There are only two scenes, but they say everything.

In the first:  Julia is walking  down the street in Paris, and passes a woman pushing a pram.  There is a moment when you can see the look of absolute longing on her face.  I would guess it only lasted maybe a second, but I knew that look.

In the second:  Julia  receives a letter from her sister, who is announcing her pregnancy.  She cries, while trying to stop herself, and telling her husband how happy she is for her sister.

I cried too.  In fact - I'm crying writing this.  I can't really explain it - they were just small moments, but for me - today, they were all the more powerful for it.  Now - I'm going to eat cheesecake pudding with fresh blackberries - maybe with Jakobe, if he wants to get out of bed, and then put myself to bed as well.

As an end note:  I'm sorry about the delay in posts - I'm having trouble finding my voice and my motivation.  We've been both moving forward and experiencing setbacks, and I don't have any idea what to say.

01 September 2010

Wordless Wednesday: Something Positive

at least the sun is shining and the clouds are pretty. That's the highlight of my day today.
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27 August 2010

Latest News

So, life is good over here at the Yak Hotel.  Jakobe and I went to our first local support group meeting.  It's kind-of cute - He get's very talkative when in new situations.  I think it's how he covers up nervousness.  Everyone there was very nice, and even though I think that they sometimes said some things that may have scared the crap out of Jakobe, overall it was a good experience.  I know I'll be going back. 

We're still waiting to come up with the money that we need but I think we'll be trying to get him in for a follow up SA here in the near future.  I've noticed some changes, so I'm thinking that maybe there's something different going on.  Here's to being hopeful (but not too hopeful - it sucks to have them dashed on the cold concrete of reality.)

On the money front - I got the ball rolling on refinancing our house today, we won't be taking any money out, but there's also no appraisal and no closing costs and we'll be going from a 30-year fixed to a 20-year fixed and we'll still have lower payments than before.  It makes me really excited, and it's one of the best financial opportunities that has come our way in a while.  There's a small part of me that wishes I could convince myself to go with another 30-year, and have dramatically lower payments (all the faster to save for IVF), but the truth is that I do have to think long term, and this is the best choice for us.
I thought I had all the details worked out in our IVF savings plan - but August ended up being a bit of a hiccup...  We needed to fix the air-conditioning (the heat was making Jakobe blood sugars go scary low - and we didn't know what was causing it) and we need to pick up an new prescription, so that was another $7-800 in unusual expenses, before you through a vacation into the pot.  We're not doing terrible, and we'll recoup most of it in the month that we don't have a house payment, but it's time to return to fiscal discipline.   That is going to be hard.  I've been paying attention to the Fearlessly Frugal Project over at Fearlessly Infertile  - and I'm thinking about trying something similar - but without taking away our allowances - I would have a revolt on my hands.  I can't cut everything out in september, because we have tickets to Cirque du Soleil, but I can try and really cut back.  It's just to easy to blow money a little bit here and a little bit there.

So - that's the news...

25 August 2010

Wordless Wednesday: Vacation

It almost feels like bragging - but I'm going to do it anyway, so it's another vacation post...

Looking back at the condos at low tide.
The smallest crab ever!
Sunset from the beach.
The adorable Otter at the Vancouver Aquarium.

The food for Tea at the Empress Hotel in Victoria.
A mask at one of the Exhibits at the BC Royal Museum.
A picture that Jakobe took of me while we were riding the ferry.
Sunset in my rear view on our way home.

21 August 2010

Almost Home

So, vacation is ending. It's never long enough. We've spent all day in the car, and I took awsome pictures on the North Cascades Highway, but you'll have to wait for me to share. In the meanwhile here's a picture I just took out of my car window of the moon in the clouds...
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14 August 2010


ready to leave, just about to get into the car. Life is awesome!
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11 August 2010

And Then...

I discovered Jakobe's most recent blog post.

It just about made me cry...again.  But this time, in a good way.

I think it's good news

But it doesn't seem real to me.  It's strange, but that's how I feel right now.  This weekend Jakobe told me that we should try IVF.  It's what he wants too.  Now - I'm having a hard time accepting it.  Part of me feels like if I let myself believe that we're going to take this chance, something else will come and snatch it away from me.

It was a bit of a tumultuous weekend for us.  We went camping with my mom and her boyfriend and a bunch of his family, who we didn't know.  Friday night was rough, Jakobe hit traffic snarls and was very grumpy when we finally got up to the campsite.  The first thing that happened when we saw each other was an argument.  I'd like to say that us arguing is unusual, it used to be, but we seem to be arguing more and more recently.  In any case, I ended up in tears. Tears that I then had to hide when we were called back to the campfire with the rest of the family.  Not good timing.  Also - not the only crying it did this weekend.

Saturday started bright and early (we borrowed this tiny tent because we really didn't want to set ours up in the pitch black (there was no moon Friday night) and our mattress didn't quite fit, and it was pretty comical overall.  But after setting up our tent and sometime in the mid-afternoon we had a real heart-to-heart (yep - that's where more crying came in).  I'm still not absolutely sure that he didn't just capitulate because it's what I want - but he says that Watching my BIL and our nephew together made him realize that he really does want kids.

So, treatments are definitely in the plan now.  I don't think that we'll take any steps in that direction until after our vacation next week.   We need the time to rest and recharge - and we have plenty of time.  I don't think we can possibly have all the money we need to have saved until late next spring anyway.  The other decision that we made was that we'll be going with the 3 tries plan, because it makes it possible for us to have more than one attempt.

Next things on our list treatment wise:

Repeat SA for Jakobe (maybe something changed? - a girl can hope)
Karyotyping for Jakobe
Find out timing needed for infectious disease tests


06 August 2010

Abdominal pain of unknown etiology

They didn't keep me in the hospital overnight, They let me go about halfway through, not because they figured out what was wrong, but because they weren't going to figure it out, and it wasn't life threatening.  (and really - that's the only reason that I went...it presented like it might have been appendicitis, and maybe someday, when this happens it will be my appendix, just not last night.)

Anyway - I was sent home with a bunch of pain pills and an anti-spasmodic (just in case it was a GI thing) and the advice to not try and take the lowest dose of pain medicine possible.  So who knows - I thought that maybe I had developed an ovarian cyst that popped - and maybe I did, but I didn't get a pelvic or an ultrasound, so no confirmation.

My biggest problem with hydrocodone is that I can't sleep while I'm taking it.  I can kind of doze, but no actual sleep, so today might be a long day.  I won't feel too bad though - because I plan to keep up on the painkillers, and maybe see tomorrow if I don't need them.

Things will be quiet around here for the next few days - We're going camping in the Colville National Forest northeast of Kettle Falls, WA to celebrate my mom's birthday this weekend.  Aught to be fun.

Photo Friday: Travel

Not heading out to take new pictures this week - although you may be inundated after Jakobe and I got on vacation to the coast for the week of the 14th (I can't wait - it's going to be awesome!).  Instead, you get some interesting pictures that I took on trips last summer - and one extra!

Tis is from our first camping trip together - we went out for a drive in Mountains one of the days, and I took this picture while driving on a very unused dirt road in the middle of nowhere, North Idaho.
Driving back from my Birthday Weekend in McCall, Idaho last year.  We're going back there for a weekend in October this year - using it as a base to go fishing for Chinook.

Finally - a picture of me from the last time I went to Mount St. Helens (September 2005).  It was a great way to end a pretty rough weekend, and even though our drive back from Portland took 16 hours instead of 8 it was well worth it.

An unexpected evening

I guess that this is what happens when I go unsupervised. I'd tell you exactly why I'm here, in this very comfy bed, in the sexiest gown style of all time, but we just don't know yet. It's *not* a kidney stone. appendicitis is still on the table though. other than the fact that until they gave me morphine I hurt like hell, I'd say it's probably nothing.

But even here I'm an infertile. They ask if you might be pregnant before they give you a catscan... but, not so much of a worry for me, right?

The crazy part is that I keep thinking that the ultimate irony would be if I had an ectopic pregnancy. Crazier than that, part of me thinks that that wouldn't be all bad. I'd still be devastated though.

I'll fill you all in later, when I know something.

*UPDATE* nothing, no explanation, probably the endo.
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05 August 2010

Happy 200

Just a quick shoutout to the Friday Blog Roundup. I was featured once and was more honored than I can say. Happy 200th Post!!!

chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwich courtesy of The Flying Goat. (I shared it with Jakobe)

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02 August 2010

Movie Mistake

Yesterday Jakobe and I went to the movies.  It was my turn to pick (last Sunday we saw The Sorcerer's Apprentice - fun, light, predictable) and I chose The Kids are All Right.  It got great reviews, and I wanted to see it.  For the most part - If I can't get Jakobe to watch something - I never get too either.

Anyway, I knew going in that part of the story line involved the kids connecting some with the Sperm donor who was their biological father.  I knew that it was a story about family, and coming through a rough patch.  I made sure that I told Jakobe about the movie, so that he wasn't going into it blind, and if he didn't want to see it/didn't feel up to it then we could choose a different movie.  I knew that the movie wasn't about infertility - so I thought that the sperm donor thing would be okay. What I didn't know before watching it was that the sperm donor was the wedge forced into every crack of a marriage that I think anyone could recognize some part of theirs in.  What I didn't know was that the movie would exploit every bad feeling or fear that Jakobe ever had about the idea of donor sperm.  It was an absolutely excellent movie, one that I enjoyed - and exactly the wrong one for us.

I guess what I can say is that if anyone is on the fence about Donor insemination - this might not be for them...

For us - that part didn't matter, the only way that a sperm donor is an option for us is if Jakobe decides that he's okay with it, and broaches the subject with me.  He's been so clear that this is something he absolutely does not want, that I've promised never to ask him for it - and I mean it.

29 July 2010

Little Swimmers

Nope - not what you're thinking.  This is me venting at all of you - just a little bit.  Jakobe and I got an e-mail from his mother the other morning, that just had to have it's own post, because it's that special.  (Note: when we told them about our infertility, we specifically asked that they support us, but that we were dealing with it in our own way, and that advice, recommendations, etc. are not what we want - We have Doctor's for that,  so please don't.)

In any case - this is what was waiting in our email in-boxes this morning:

One of my little swimmers, Ava, is just turning 3 years old.  Her mom is looking to get pregs again and tells me that Ava was conceived IVO because hubby is a diabetic and took an ACE inhibitor to "protect" his kidneys.  He thus developed fertility issues.  Almost All of their fertility costs have been paid by that pharmaceutical company.  They said that the State of Hawaii insisted the manufacturer paid.  She is trying to find out if the same laws are on the books here in Washington -- however, they are applying to the manufacturer again for the costs of baby #2. 
Since I had not heard of this before, I thought to share her info as it might be a source of funding for you too.
I just don't know what to do with this.  Her heart is in the right place, but at the same time, I'm worried that it's the beginning of the deluge.  She's not very good at respecting boundaries.

28 July 2010


It's hard to believe, especially since July has been a slow month for me around here, but this is my 100th post (and 101 is right around the corner, already started, but I couldn't waste #100 on bitching.)  Nope - no contests from me yet...  unless you all want me to give away a copy of the baby books I bought and obviously don't need.   :-)  Honestly, I have yet to find something that feels like the right thing to giveaway. Someday.

100 things about me:
  1. I love food (no surprise)
  2. I used to be vegan (for about 2 years)
  3. I'm the oldest of four, all girls
  4. I can wire an outlet.
  5. I can change a radiator, and an alternator, and a thermostat.
  6. I will never replace a heater core in a car again by myself.
  7. I can load and unload my canoe from the top of my car, by myself.
  8. I'm a geek.  (and I'm one of those people who differentiates between geek and nerds, my vote - geeks have social skills)
  9. I played Dungeons and Dragons as a teen, and as an adult. (still do - from time to time)
  10. I regularly dream about my teeth falling out.
  11. I've started writing 2 novels, but never finished one.  Farthest I've gotten is about 50 pages.
  12. I sometimes miss vegetables.
  13. I was a mannequin model, once.
  14. I've had 3 laparoscopies.
  15. I was diagnosed with endometriosis at age 20
  16. I have lived in four states: Minnesota, California, Idaho, and Washington
  17. My real name is so unique that I'm the only one - in the US for sure. (first and last together)
  18. I was a smoker from age 12 to 18, and again from 20-23.  (Stupid, stupid, stupid)
  19. I like scotch - preferrably smokey peaty scotch that's old enough to drink itself.
  20. oh - and Vodka Martinis (bone dry, slightly dirty, and an extra olive)
  21. I have never gone to a casino (I may have walked through the one on the cruise ship during my honeymoon)
  22. I've been all over the western US (but my mom made us drive around Texas - so.)
  23. I have never been to Disneyland (or Disneyworld)
  24. I only absolutely hate one food, cooked green peas.  I like fresh peas, I'm okay with thawed peas, but the cooked ones - I'll pick them out, or swallow them whole without chewing, like nasty little pills.
  25. I have sorted cows, from horseback - on a horse that was afraid of cows.
  26. I shot my horse.
  27. I can remember off the top of my head the formula to convert Celsius to Fahrenheit (and I have no real need for it)
  28. My favorite color is dark green, but it used to be bright red.
  29. I started school when I was 4 - thus graduating from high school at 17.
  30. I started college at 16 - and I'm still not done.
  31. I pull a 4.0 GPA while working full time - and while feeling like a terrible student for not studying.
  32. I am 5'11"
  33. I have 15 years of experience in my field - and I'm 30.
  34. My first job was an HTML intern.
  35. If I've never tried it, it's almost always on the list of things I want to eat.
  36. I grew up thinking that I was going to have to have surgery and wear a brace when I was about 16 - I was born with bad scoliosis - and half of my chest was concave.  The scoliosis got a lot better - and my chest is still concave, but it's a lot less noticeable now than it was when it was about an inch deep on a newborn.
  37. I have never worked in fast food.
  38. I've never been outside of the US and Canada.
  39. I've done triathlons (4 sprints and an Olympic distance. Someday I'd like to do a half-iron, or an Ironman)
  40. I learned how to give all the sex talks I ever want to have to give by being the go-to person for my youngest sister's questions.  (She's now 16)
  41. I was in my late 20's before I figured out how to dress, and look good.  I still make sure to buy mix-and-match clothes so that I don't screw up.
  42. I buy cute shoes - and then I almost never wear them.  
  43. I ate two pints of blueberries and a nectarine today.
  44. For a while, my family thought I was gay - no boyfriends, and the occasional hickey from a girl will do that.  I knew what I was: 80% straight, 20% whatever.
  45. I'm a mishmash of ethnicities - but nearly half Scandinavian.  Parts of my family tree have been in the US less than 100 years - Other parts were here before the Mayflower.
  46. I tried to commit suicide as a teenager - I failed, and I'm glad.  Less than a year later, a close family member died and I got a much better picture of what death does to those left behind.  Cured me of that impulse forever.
  47. I still have one baby tooth - there just isn't an adult tooth to go with it.
  48. My old boss told me I was the most logical person he'd ever met.  He meant it as a compliment - but sometimes I'm not so sure.
  49. My biggest food failure: Tempeh stew.  It was awful, the only food experiment I had to throw out for being inedible.
  50. I can touch my nose with my tongue.
  51. I have $10,000 worth of books in my home library, but of course they're not worth that now.
  52. I participate in the Society for Creative Anachronism.  I've been playing (sometimes more/sometimes less) for about 10 years.
  53. I can spin wool, weave, and sew by hand.
  54. I know how to make a bodice that could put cleavage on a 10 year old boy.
  55. I don't have a favorite food, it changes all the time.
  56. I'm irritated that I have now missed Wordless Wednesday - because I'm still struggling to finish this list.
  57. I always sleep with a blanket.
  58. I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue.
  59. I lettered in high school, in Academics and Writers Guild.  Yep - I was a real sports fiend.
  60. My dad taught me the basics of driving a car when I was 11.  It was a stick shift, and once I started going, I accomplished all maneuvers at 35 mph.  It was the first and last driving lesson for a while.
  61. I burned water once. (okay - maybe more than once)
  62. I once had my email subpoena'd by the SEC - and I'd previously deleted it.  Oops.
  63. I have attended 4 different colleges.
  64. I made vegan cheesecake (yep - that's an oxymoron) - and non vegetarians liked it!
  65. I prefer weather that's not too cold, and not too hot.  Just about everything from 60 -78 degrees is about perfect.
  66. When I was younger I wanted to breed traditional Siamese cats.  They're waaaay cuter than the modern variety.
  67. I took a diaper-up ride in a concrete flume  as a toddler - scared the life out of my parents.
  68. I once stole borrowed my dad's car to go visit my boyfriend in the middle of the night - and then turned down the shrooms cause I had to drive home.
  69. The only illegal drug I've ever done is pot.
  70. I listen to NPR in the car instead of music.
  71. I love to sing - and I'm not half bad.
  72. The ability to cook anything is the greatest gift my mom gave me.
  73. I have been the officiant at two weddings.
  74. If I think about typing then I can't touch type.  The rest of the time I"m pretty okay at it.
  75. one of my earliest memories is climbing a "mountain" with my dad.  It probably wasn't that big, but when we got to the top, I sat on a rock...and it was on top of some sort of anthill, so it was memorable.
  76. I convinced my little sisters that you could make ramen with sand instead of water - and then eat it.
  77. I sold Tupperware when I was 16.
  78. I don't wear underwear, they're really uncomfortable.
  79. My first college major was Music Theory and Education.
  80. I broke my ankle wrestling with my ex-boyfriend's fiance.  We were a little drunk, and in a good mood, and the guys were all wrestling, so we thought we'd give it a try.
  81. I can move my eyes independently from one another.
  82. I no longer desire anyone but my husband - it's really unnerving sometimes.
  83. I have successfully made food people liked out of potted meat.
  84. Everyone spent my entire childhood trying to "fatten me up" and eventually it worked.  How I hate that now.
  85. Right now I spend more time watching TV than reading, it's not as good for me, but it's a heck of a lot easier to pause TV than it is for me to stop reading a book.
  86. My internal dialogue is way more negative than I let anyone know.
  87. I hate public speaking, and performing.  I get terribly nervous and I get the shakes.  Every Time.  But I just keep doing it - and most of the time, I guess, I'm pretty good at it.  It still scares the shit out of me.
  88. The first thing I used to think about when kissing people was whether or not they brushed their teeth.  I kind of have a thing about teeth.
  89. I had a 6 month course of Lupron when I was 21 - I am not looking forward to menopause a second time, it was bad enough the first one.  But - I did get to tease my mother about it and give her advice.  Talk about role reversals.
  90. I tried to write a diary several different times in my life - I never could keep going for more than a week or two.  This blog, and the people reading it have changed that.
  91. My boyfriend cheated on me with Jakobe's(DH) girlfriend - eight years before we met.
  92. I have the worst luck when it comes to cars.  My first car got stolen, My second one broke down 6 hours after I bought it - and that's not the record, because the 4th one broke down on the way home, less than 20 minutes after I bought it.  The third one was awesome, but I totaled it - and owed more than it was worth. The one I have now has had more work done than the initial purchase price - and is going into the shop on Monday.
  93. I bought the house I grew up in from my parents right after my 24th birthday - we still live there.
  94. I have an implant - because the oral surgeon pulled the wrong tooth when I had my wisdom teeth done.
  95. My honeymoon was my first real vacation as an adult.  I'd always just taken a week off and been lazy or hung out with my parents.  It was wonderful, and an experience I want to repeat.
  96. I work as a Server technician - so I stare at computer screens all day long.
  97. In order to fall asleep at night I count backwards, from 1000.
  98. I have to wear glasses or contacts, because without correction I can't even read the computer screen,  my last unaided eye exam had me in the "Count Fingers" range, because I can't see the eye chart.
  99.  I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have are very good ones.
  100. I think swimming laps it the most meditative exercise ever.  you can be completely alone with your thoughts, but at the same time, you have to concentrate on your breathing and form.  sometimes I felt like I could swim forever.
Wow!  That's a whole lot of jumbled random about me.  If you made it all the way through - I'm a little amazed.  Thank you for being here. 

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