Testing the Waters

I'm back - at least a little bit back.  I don't know how to explain what happened, just that I needed a great big break.  No saving money, no blogging, and no reading blogs.  I just had to get away.  other than the occasional doctor's appointment, the only things infertility related that I have been doing is attending out local support group meetings.

I have a hard time admitting - even too myself, how hurt I was after our IVF attempt in April.  I just shut down.  I took a couple of months before I even really had a prayer of keeping up on housework.  I was broken.  I took on too much, and when it was finally all over, when I no longer had to hold myself together so that IU could just graduate, all the cracks started showing plain as day.  so - I've been mending them, one at a time,  and my heart has a crazed appearance like crackle finish paint, but it's mostly whole again.

This is a good thing, especially since we're on the roller coaster again.  I started the BCPs this week for our next try.  I start stims the first of November.

I am terrified.

Nothing that happened this summer has really done much to make me feel better about or failure.  The doctor has decided that I have diminished ovarian reserve to go along with Jakobe's bunk sperm, and my endometriosis.  I'm not sure I believe him because my labs don't seem to agree with him, but he could be right.  Maybe we just thought we had the shit end of the stick to begin with, but we're really starting to small what we got ourselves into now.  We'll see.  This time it's a micro-flare protocol, with Lupron and the highest dosage of stims we can, from the get go.  We'll see how it turns out.