24 October 2011

Fire and ice: the gap between

I know that there's a lot that's happened over here that I don't think that Ive shared with all ofr you yet, so here goes.

The Facts:
 I had CD3 blood work done as part of the lead-up to IVF 2.0.  The results weren't great, and weren't terrible.

  • E2: 27.3 
  • FSH: 9.0
  • LH: 4.3

Also, This summer I had my AMH tested, all for myself, so that I could see another metric of what was going on.  Our WTF appointment with the RE in August wasn't very hopeful, and he said that because of my poor response last time, that I probably had diminished reserve, and bad eggs.  Yeah, no fun.  Really kind-of pissed me off because it was the opposite of what he had told me during our cycle, when he said it was probably a fluke.  Queue major irritation.  Anyway, My AMH came back at 0.93 - or Low normal.  So he's not wrong, and not right, and we're just going to have to try and figure things out from here.  We did get him to try a different protocol this time.  Micro-flare with max stims.  Not too worried about OHSS this time anyway.  I have a calendar, and my suppression check labs are this Thursday, with my first dose of Lupron to start on Halloween.  This seems like the perfect opportunity to turn into a monster!

Charts of my hormones & stuff - Because I can!

The wobbly, wishy-washy, completely emotional junk:
I realized today while I was sitting in the exam room in my stylish backless gown, and my totally awesome fuzzy socks that I really didn't want to be there.  I didn't want to have top do this again.  I am afraid of the heartbreak, and I am afraid that this will all turn out to be a waste of time.  t the same time, I keep catching myself thinking about what I'm going to do when this works, when I'm pregnant, when we're expecting one baby or two.  It's like there are two parts of my heart, and they're totally not on the same page.
If that wasn't enough, my emotional state is complicated by having been asked to consider adopting a baby.  Not a maybe someday baby, but a baby that would be born before one we would conceive during this cycle.  The situation is incredibly complicated, and most of it is not my story to tell - so I'm trying valiantly to keep my trap shut.  I talked to my mom, and laid everything out, but we're still in a feedback loop, where we can't think straight, or about anything else, and I bounce back and forth like there's no tomorrow between good idea and bad idea.
I feel like we need to make some sort of decision before we know how the IVF turns out.  I don't want this to be a second-best situation.  I only want to go ahead and say yes if:

  • We're sure that we want the baby - regardless of if we have a biological child or not
  • We're sure that it's the best choice for everyone involved
But - I don't even know which parts of the considerations have a part in our decision-making process, and which ones might be overstepping our bounds.  I wish that there was someone I could talk to who could help us find the best path.  Jakobe has already stated that he thinks we need an impartial third party, to facilitate he and I talking together, and also to facilitate some hard discussions with the expectant parents.  Sometimes the safest choice isn't the best choice, and sometimes it is, but I don't know how to tell which route is best.  I do know that we currently intend to go through all three tries in the three cycle option IVF that we started in April.


  1. Oh my you have a lot of things going on girl. What an amazing opportunity for you guys - but how crazy stressful this all must be. Hang in there - who knows how you will get to your forever baby?

  2. Wow!! What a lot to think about! All I know is that sometimes it helps to live as if you have made a decision for a few days or a week, and then live as if you choose the other way for a week and see how each feels. Personally I think when an opportunity for adoption presents itself in a way which would be positive for those involved in the placement of the child that I absolutely would consider it a gift and a blessing no matter how many possible bio children were involved, but only you two will be able to know what is right for all of you as a family:) Good luck in figuring everything out!

  3. You certainly are going through so much... and hard to make big decisions during these stressful times. Be gentle on yourself and the right path will hopefully come to you xoxo

  4. I totally understand. Our situations are paralleled in many ways. Hoping the best for you! Hugs!


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