Depression: or the State of my Kitchen

This could also be titled the State of My Marriage.  Jakobe and I are both depressed, and if you know anyone who likes to clean when they're depressed, the certainly don't live in our house.  Jakobe and I may deal with depression in different ways, but neither one of us has learned to channel it into housework.  He plays video games, avoids me, and sinks ever deeper into his world of Role Playing games.

I - I get irritable, I want Jakobe to spend more time with me - distracting me from the fact that I feel like shit about the universe, and I read (mostly extremely crappy romance novels - a large number of which are available for free on the kindle at the moment.)

Neither of us cleans.  this means that until today - our kitchen was approaching the definition of national disaster zone, and in fact, while trying to unload the dishwasher, I brushed a box of random crap, that was stacked on top of an empty box, that was in turn stacked on top of a chair.  Yep - all over the floor.  That that sent me into a cupboard door slamming, cleaning, swearing, completely unreasonable rage.  Thankfully - I get home about an hour before he does, and although he may not realize it, the worst of the rage had passed well before he got home.

Unfortunately, I feel a little bit like our marriage is in the same state that the kitchen was in - sadly in need of basic maintenance and care.  We've been trying, both of us, but it's like we just can't quite bridge the gap.  We've had some really good moments, but they're much farther apart than is good for us, and the rest of the time is like right now - he's hiding in the bedroom, and I'm letting him.  Also - going into a crazy rage is certainly not going to fix whatever apathy and depression has done to our relationship, it's just going to make it even worse.

Plus - we have this conversation hanging over our heads.  A conversation about IVF and our next attempt.  I'm trying not to assume I know what Jakobe is going to have to say, but I have this feeling in my gut that it's going to be the same song and dance all over again.  Mostly, that feeling cones from how he told me we needed to talk, but that he didn't want to do it right now.  Since I'm coping with this failure better than he is (and I'm not doing that great) I don't think that he wants to try again any time soon.  I don't want to wait too long.  I'm also falling out of love with our RE - but since he's the only option within 300 miles, and we paid to try three times with him, we're just going to have to keep with the plan.  Yay.

I'm still putting off the conversation.  I don't think we're ready yet.  and I certainly can do without the crying that will almost certainly result.  It never gets easier.  It never gets better.  It just keeps going on, hurting like hell and finding new ways to make us unhappy.

This is us - warts and all.  And I may have cleaned the kitchen in a fit today - but there's still the whole rest of the house looming.

Sweeping up - trying to move forward.

I think that it's safe to say that everyone in our little house is a bit broken right now.  I've reached the point where I need to just pick up the pieces and try and figure out how to put things back together.  In some ways it's easier this time, because I've been in this ugly dank slime filled hole, and I can see  the hand and footholds I made to climb back out last time.  I can do it, and I will do it.

I tell myself it could have been worse, but in a way, the negative beta feels like a loss - a different loss than not being able to have a transfer.  Embry was alive when they put her back into my uterus, and I failed her.  I failed to keep her alive - to be the fertile soil that she needed to grow.  The nine days of wishing, and hoping, and acting pregnant are a cruel joke in the face of a negative beta.

But, we pick up, and we march on, and we look to the future.  I can't hope yet.  I don't feel it.  What I feel right now is stubbornness and determination.  Unfortunately mixed in with that is a fair bit of sadness and self loathing.

Even given all of that, I may be doing better than Jakobe.  He let himself hope a lot more than I did, and so fell farther.  We're struggling, and it doesn't help that the ways that we cope and need support are diametrically opposed.  He needs to pull away, to hide, and to nurse his wounds in solitude.  I - I need to be held, and to be assured that I'm not alone.  We're making it work, but it's hard.

I want to be able to close this  on a happy note, but I'm not sure where to find it.  I"m making it work, but only by letting things slip through my fingers that should probably be important.  At least I'm able to put a good face on it every day and get my shit done.

We have our WTF appointment on January 9th.

Beta

Negative.

Schrödinger's cat

We did it.  We went in for our beta.  This means that in a few short hours I won't be able to pretend that I'm pregnant anymore.  I'm terrified.  I cried on the way home.  Jakobe is telling me only positive things.  But, I'm trying to be prepared for the worst, to expect the worst.  I'm afraid that I manufactured all of my symptoms like a crazy woman grasping at straws.

The box is open, we just haven't looked yet.

And Murphy strikes again.

We have nothing to freeze, according to our nurse, all 5 arrested overnight.

I'm trying not to get too upset or emotional, wouldn't want to fuck up the broken basket that's carrying our only egg.

Support group meeting should start anytime.  Probably a good thing.  I'm going to eat blueberry cream cheese tart and try not to cry.

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MIA

I know I'm MIA over here.  Although I'm not thinking about infertility much at the moment,  I'm struggling with the after effects of our failed cycle.  So - for now I'm taking it easy, and just trying to make it through this last quarter at school.

I wrote this poem a couple of weeks ago, and I've had more days like it that I care to think about.  I'm going to find my way back out, but I'm not there yet.

Today I sit at the edge of Tears

their salty ocean before me

behind me

and within me

A salty drop waits to join them

but is held here

unshed

waiting

Today I sit at the edge of tears.

Pushing Through

This morning sucked.  I managed to write my short post, and to write out a quick post to Facebook, because my extended family know just about everything, and it's easier than having to tell people.  Then Jakobe and I went to a little diner we like and I drank 3 cups of coffee and ate way too much breakfast!  We stopped by to see my mom and sister, who both work in the same place.  My sister had called me all excited and hopeful for me this morning, and she was going to call me back about lunch time...  it was easier to tell her face to face.  They cried for us - and I cried a little bit more.

After that we came home, and I was very glad to have something to do to occupy myself (besides my homework, which I also got done and e-mailed to the Prof. because I don't feel like going to class tonight.) and that was to put together the patio set my mother-in-law bought us me for my graduation present.  It was kind of fun, and definitely good for me to have something to do with my hands.

Besides, you can see my pot of rhubarb behind the chair.  It seems to be dealing well with being dug up and put in a pot, and I've got strawberries on the way!

I've seen that there are a lot of questions about if we can transfer tomorrow - the Dr.'s office has stopped doing day 6 transfers because they have found that they have a higher success rate with vitrifying the embryos on day 6 and putting them back on Day 5 of a different cycle.  Something about that being when the endometrium is best prepared for them.  I know that they've got very very exacting rules, and that some of these are new policies there.  I'm hoping it's because they've learned what works the best in their clinic.  As it is, I know that in many other clinics we would have had a transfer today.  

Right now - I'm at home.  My tummy is a bit upset (probably from the coffee, which I don't usually drink anyway, but had this morning because I could)  I've written this post.  I'll probably eat some ice cream.  I may also try to read some of your blogs.

I am so glad that there's a support group meeting tomorrow.  Maybe I can get the last of my crying done there.

**Note:  I think that tomorrow will be the last day of my giveaway, seeing as that will be the last post in this IVF cycle.**

.

No go.

There will be no transfer today. We had one early blast, and one not quite blast, so they'll lt them go until tomorrow and freeze what they can.

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Retrieval - the whole story, and my Fert Report

I'm typing this up early in the day, while I'm waiting for my fertilization report, and because Jakobe is still sleeping.  

**Update: Fert report is at the bottom, if you want to skip ahead**

So - yesterday's whole story:

I woke up, a bit earlier than we needed to, and then at 7 I started poking Jakobe, because he needed to get up and take a pill before we went.  Besides, he has a morning routine, and He mostly has to make it through the entire routine before we can leave...  even if it means leaving later than we should.  So we get up, and get dressed.  We decided Thursday night not to shower until after Jakobe's first trip in the the clinic (it's only about 15 minutes away from our house, so we didn't have to stay there all day.) and we would instead come home and shower in between.

When we got out of the house, and started driving in the car, I was checking my e-mail on my phone, and Jakobe looks at me sideways "you're not blogging right now are you?  I don't want you to be typing '7:30: we're driving to the clinic for Jakobe to deliver his sample.'  Anyway, I said no, I wasn't blogging (because I wasn't yet - I waited until I was alone in the waiting room and bored!)  But every time I started typing on the phone, he gave me a funny look.  Maybe I should respect his wishes more - but this is my thing... and I need it.

 In any case, I got a text from work - one of the server's was down, and since the other server guy is on a medical Leave, I was their only contact.  Thankfully, it wasn't bad, and all they needed was a password for that server.  I ended up talking to work twice yesterday, because then they needed to find a file, and I was the one who knew where it was.  It kind-of feels nice to be needed.

After finishing up at the clinic, we stopped at Jack in the Box for Jakobe's Breakfast (which he then had me carry on my lap - the whole drive home.  Soooo not fair.) It smelled so good, and I was hungry, so hungry that after we got home, and he ate, I was still having tummy growling moments while we were in the shower!  Once we finished killing more time at home, we drove out to my best friend's house to pick her up.  As she came out the door - the following conversation ensued:

ME: I assume you showered this morning.
HER: Of course.  
ME: and put on deodorant?
HER: Yeah
ME: Um, could you go wash it off?
HER: ...
ME: The doctor doesn't want us to have any scents on our skin, he says it's bad for the eggs/embryos.
HER: Oh, Okay, be- right back.
(wait a couple of minutes)
HER: Alcohol on your underarms is *cold* in the morning!

Then we were off.  I forgot to bring our consent forms (which we still hadn't signed) and so we grabbed them at the front test and started waiting.  The TV was on, and while it was The Price is Right, we were all okay, but then The Young and the Restless came on, and we had to change the channel - Jakobe grabbed the remote and switched it to supernatural - which I wasn't in the mood for, and besides, he just found a show he wanted to watch, and wasn't thinking about either of us...  I stole the remote from him, and we ended up with Fraggle Rock!

Then we got called into the back for Prep.  And you all saw the picture of me in my awesome gown.  That was before they tried to put in the IV.  Thankfully it only took about 20 minutes, and two pokes.  I ended up with the IV in the crook of my elbow.  More bruises!  Yay!  Talked for a bit, got post retrieval instructions, and then the anesthesiologist got me and brought me back.

I don't remember much of that part, just getting into position, him warning me that the drugs were coming, the oxygen in the mask starting to small funny, my face tingling, and waking up in recovery - where my feet we cold.  Actually, all of me was cold, and I was having chills, but that's a pretty normal response, and I wasn't worried.  We talked, waited, I ate crackers and drank juice so I could take my Tylenol #3, and the nurses came by to check my vitals several times.  The first one said that they got 3 and all were mature (which sounded off to me, I don't think that they could have known that yet?  Could they?) and my regular nurse said that they got 3 and that we'd get more information today.  In any case, after another stop by Jack in the Box - this time for Everyone, and where I ordered more food than I needed, because I was still hungry, we headed home.

I spent the rest of the day in bed, watching TV shows on my Laptop, and feeling uncomfortable.  It wasn't so much that I hurt from the retrieval, although there was a bit of pain from that, but it was mostly that this whole process has made me very gassy, and yesterday I couldn't pass gas.  THAT HURTS!  Thankfully, everything has resolved itself this morning, and I'm feeling pretty good - Physically anyway.

Got my Fert report while writing that last line:  Not great.  Of the 3 retrieved, only 2 were mature, and of those 2, only one fertilized.  We've got one.  And gods damn it, I hope it grows, and divides, and makes it - cause we've got only one egg in our basket.  I think we'll probably be doing this again in a couple of months.  Maybe we'll get a better result.  A girl can hope.  She can also cry.

Day 9: letting go, and trusting

Jakobe and I talked for about an hour last night while we were lying in bed and holding on to one another.  It was good for us.  We talked about our options, and what we thought that we wanted to do...

When we started talking I was leaning pretty strongly toward converting to an IUI.  Jakobe thought we should either cancel outright, or we should go ahead.  At the end of our discussion, he felt like we should just keep going....  this isn't our last chance, and it might work.  We should take the risk, because IVF with a few eggs is probably still a better chance than we're going to have with IUI, and certainly a better chance than we've got on our own....  and another IVF is something we can do in a little while if it doesn't work.

Right now, I think, that I'm going to trust his judgement.  I know that I've done a fair amount of pushing him around during this whole process.  This one is his - I just can't make the choice in a rational manner without tearing my heart to bits.  He say's that it's his job to lighten my load, to make it easier, and I know that we need to carry it together.  I need to let him.

Once I started thinking this way, I was overcome with a feeling of peace.  I'm not happy with our circumstances, but at the same time, I'm in good hands.

Symptom wise - I stayed home from school today - too much emotion, and my tummy is starting to develop sharp pains.  That and I feel like a balloon.  I'm fat, bloated, and gassy.  If this doesn't work, I desperately need to make myself lose some weight, because I've almost gained back everything I lost after the wedding.

Today's Drug details (unchanged)

• 150 IU Follistim in the AM
• 225 IU Follistim in the PM + 20 units Lo-dose HCG

Today's Second Update

Talked to my nurse - the medication orders are the same as yesterday, and we talked a little bit about my options.  She suggested that we wait and see what's going on on Wednesday before we make a decision.  She also said that maybe next time I would respond to the stims an entirely different way.

It's hard to know exactly what I want to do.  I feel better after talking to the financial coordinator - if we cancel, it doesn't count as one of the tries on our 3 times plan, and we don't suddenly incur the responsibility for the monitoring that we've already done during this cycle, they'll call it a wash.  If we decide to convert to IUI, then everything after we decide to convert is our responsibility. It's still quite the outlay for medications if we're not going the IVF route, but it's not quite as bad as I feared.

I'm still not sure which way I'm leaning...But I'm pretty sure that we'll be waiting until Wednesday to make a decision.

I'm not sure that I'm going to school this week.  Tonight I'm supposed to be doing homework, but between the headache from stims, the headache from emotional upheaval, and the upheaval itself, I don't know how much I'll get done.

I've also got lab values for both Saturday and Today.  At least I can see what's not going on?

Saturday (day 6, day 4 of stims):

• Lining: 5mm
• Estrogen: 113
• Progesterone 1.3
• LH: 3.0
• Follicles: 13,12,11, rest too small to measure (at least 9)

Today (day 8, day 6 of stims):

• Lining: 10-11mm
• Estrogen: 360
• Progesterone: 1.3
• LH: 3.5
• Follicles: 15,15,13, rest too small to measure ( more than 7)

What now?

My appointment this morning did not go as hoped, in fact, it went way worse than I had hoped.  The RE has given us the option to cancel this cycle.  His phrasing was that if this was the only time we were going to do/attempt this, then he would probably cancel. but if we were going to/willing to try again, then he's probably go ahead.  To me it sounds like he doesn't have a lot of faith that it'll work this time. We're looking at only retrieving 3, which seems like a dismal number to me. 

So now We have to figure out what we want to do.  Do we:

• Keep going - hope that it works, and accept that if it does, we're pretty unlikely to be able to have any more children.  Also accept that it's probably not going to work, and that we're going to haev to do this again all too soon.
• Cancel, and accept that this time wasn't meant to be.
• See if we can convert to IUI - we've never done one, and I don't know what the implications would be if it worked - especially having pre-paid for the IVF.

I'm tired, and I have a headache, and my heart hurts, and I don't know what to do or which decision is the right one.

Why me? Why Us?  This is not fair, and I don't like our choices.  I want a do-over.

Uncertainty

It's hard to know exactly how I'm feeling right now.  Jakobe was really upset earlier today.  he is worried about the amount of money we are going to be spending on IVF and I can't say that I blame him.  At the same time, I am very irritated with him for a couple of reasons.  One, that he didn't bring up his money concerns until now.  I feel a little bit blindsided.  And two, that he has left all the money matter in what he calls my capable hands, but he doesn't trust me to do it right and keep us from gettting into trouble.  It is a lot of money,and we are behond where I hoped to be at this point, ut at the same time I don't think that it is way beyond our means or that we'll be making a big mistake.

I just don't know.  I don't think I can wait much longer than we had planned and keep my sanity.  Infertility is already costing us so much on an emotional level that i don't want those costs to continue to add up and then pile the costs of actually trying on top of them.  Instead of feeling like this obstacle is bringing us closer together, I feel like it'S turning into a wedge.  I find myself thinking that Jakobe doesn't want to have sex anymore because it won't have a chance of resulting in pregnancy...  or that he's thinking that he's lucked out and found a way to give me the kids I want without having to have sex.  And I know these thing are not true...  but I think them sometimes anyway.

I want to be past this, I want to know if it worked or if it didn't,  I want to leave all of this uncertainty and longing and fear behind,  I want to go back to a world where we don't have to fight so hard for each scrap of happiness.

Blogoversary

A year ago today I wrote my first blog post here.  I thought that this space was going to be something I could use to share my recipes, and post photographs, and try and find my creative side again.

A year ago today, I was not so happily dealing with the fact that I still wasn't pregnant, and feeling like a failure because what I wanted was a baby, it just wasn't something I seemed to be able to do.


A year ago today, I didn't really have any idea of what the next year had in store for me.

Today, this blog has become a touchstone for me, and is very different than what I pictured.  There have been recipes, and photographs, and occasionally some writing that I'm really proud of.  There have also been tears, and fear, and facing some of the biggest dragons of my life - and because of this blog, and the people who are out there reading it, I wasn't alone.

Today I look back at the me of a year ago, and I wish I could tell her:

You are strong enough for what life has handed you.  It's okay to be afraid and disappointed, because that's certainly going to happen.  and it's okay to feel let down, and to shake your fist at the gods and ask "Why me?"

As alone as you may feel, you're not, because Jakobe is there - trying to hold you up and you will return the favor, because you can always lean on the people in your life, and because the travelers on this road with you know how bumpy and rutted the path is - they've skinned their knees as they've fallen - but together dust yourselves off and take the next steps.

Today, I'm trying to find my way out of the depression that has stolen much of my energy over the last couple of months.  I can look back at my blogging and see where I started to spiral away from myself.  Coming back here to write is maybe one of the first signs that the medication is starting to work, and that I am returning to myself again.  I won't lie, this has been hard, and I'm not always good at it, but I am a better, richer, more loved, and more aware person than I was, a year ago today.

Post-it Tuesday: I'd like to say more...

Thanks Suzy for revealing the option of Post-it Tuesday to me.  I'm feeling guilty for not keeping up... but I'm still here.  Here are a few things I've been thinking about.

Random Tears

You just never know when they're going to happen.  And - it's been happening to me a lot as of late.  Work is stressful, and well - life hasn't really been going entirely according to plan.  Not that it ever does, but well, a girl can wish.  Today's random tears are brought to you by the movie Julie & Julia.  The movie touches upon infertility in the most glancing way, but it was all the more poignant for it.  There are only two scenes, but they say everything.

In the first:  Julia is walking  down the street in Paris, and passes a woman pushing a pram.  There is a moment when you can see the look of absolute longing on her face.  I would guess it only lasted maybe a second, but I knew that look.

In the second:  Julia  receives a letter from her sister, who is announcing her pregnancy.  She cries, while trying to stop herself, and telling her husband how happy she is for her sister.

I cried too.  In fact - I'm crying writing this.  I can't really explain it - they were just small moments, but for me - today, they were all the more powerful for it.  Now - I'm going to eat cheesecake pudding with fresh blackberries - maybe with Jakobe, if he wants to get out of bed, and then put myself to bed as well.


As an end note:  I'm sorry about the delay in posts - I'm having trouble finding my voice and my motivation.  We've been both moving forward and experiencing setbacks, and I don't have any idea what to say.

The power of Words

As I finished yesterday's post, I started working on this one.  Realizing that I've gone back to an IF statement instead of a WHEN statement is a bit like admitting defeat.

I don't feel like I can be sure that we're going to try and make it happen.  In the meanwhile, while Jakobe is trying to figure out how he feels, I'm trying to figure out how to be happy - no matter what it comes down to.  It's tough.  I get stopped in my tracks at least a couple of times every day.  Sometimes it's little things - like the kids down the street riding their bikes.  Usually it's the everyday things that get me.

Our counselor thinks that Jakobe is mildly depressed - and probably has been for a long time.  She also thinks that he won't be able to make a decision, or be able to ferret out how he really feels without removing the depression from the equation.  She recommended an SSRI to help get him back onto an even keel, but cautioned that it takes a month to 6 weeks for it to really start working.  When he called his doctor - they wanted to see him in the office first, before prescribing it (and that I understand completely), but he doesn't seem to have much urgency himself.  What urgency he's expressing is because I haven't been as good at hiding my impatience as I should have been.

I hate being in limbo, and the more time I spend here, the less hopeful I feel.  I keep trying to take the pressure off, because I don't feel like Jakobe needs me breathing down his neck, he's got enough to deal with.  I wonder how other people have dealt with/are dealing with all of this, and feel like they must have figured it out better than we have.

Mistaken

I didn't have fun last night at game night, mostly because Jakobe was upset, and everything anyone did seemed to irritate him.  Every time something didn't go exactly how he planned he would clench his fists, his knuckes would turn white, and his jaw would clench.  I could tell that something was really wrong, but I couldn't tell f it was because he'd had a bad day, or if it was because of something I did or said.

It seemed like it was more likely to be me - because he reacted more strongly to me than to anyone else.  I thought that the biggest problem that he was having with the idea of IVF was the financial one. I was wrong.  I'm not sure I know anymore at all what he's thinking and feeling about this.  I know that my looking for grants yesterday that could help us pay for it if we decided to go that route made him upset and angry.  But - He didn't tell me any of this until after we went to bed last night, after I told him that i felt like I was next to a volcano that was ready to explode.   I came to bed, and he wouldn't look at me.  When I told him I loved him, he replied with "I know that." and nothing else.  So I turned off the light, curled up and started to try to sleep.  Then he reached out.  He told me how angry he was with me (and to be honest, he also told me he felt like he was being a little unreasonable).  I cried, again.  We're just not in the same place.

He's rethinking the idea of whether he actually wants to be a parent.  It feels like all or nothing.  I don't want to push him, or make him feel like I'm pushing him.  I want to give him time.  I know he needs time to figure out where he stands.  But - I thought that he wasn't sure that he wanted to go to this much effort.  I thought that what it really meant was we were waiting and he was processing, but in the end it would be a matter of him feeling like it was too much money, or too much hassle, and that his being afraid that he might resent the process would be weighed against my fear that I could never accept not trying.

What does this mean for us?  How do we bridge this gap?  They're important questions, and ones I don't have answers to.  I feel like a horrible person, because he's stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I'm the hard place.  I'm asking him to accept, and to compromise, because I don't think I can.  I know I'll do my damnedest if that's what it comes to - but I'm not ready to give up on my dreams, which I thought were our dreams, but may not have been.

Dreams

Last night, I dreamed a positive pregnancy test.  I’ve never done that before.  I just kept looking at it, disbelieving. It was kind of dark when I was looking at it, but there was very definitely a second line. 

I've been struggling all day with what else I can say about this, but I can’t even really determine how I feel about it.  I want to have hope.  I want to believe in miracles.part of me thinks that it would be the height of irony to get a completely random, unexpected BFP in the week before we see the RE.  

It's not gonna happen.  But I still want to hope.

The Carseat

I'll get to the carseat in a bit - I Promise.  Sometimes writing isn't as easy as I think it should be.  Right now, it's tough because living isn't as easy as I think it should be. Jakobe said that he was going home early from work today because he doesn't want to be there today.  Today - I don't really want to be.

Don't worry too much - not wanting to be is not at all the same thing as being suicidal - I've been there (In my deep dark unlamented past.)  It's more of a desire to do nothing, to be nothing, and to have the world completely pass you by for a while.

And I'm a little perplexed.  I don't know why it's all hitting me so hard right now.  Maybe it was going home yesterday to find the paperwork from the fertility clinic in the mailbox: we have 2 weeks to get it all filled out and returned, or we lose our appointment.  Maybe it's just that I let myself hope that we were going to get some answers at the appointment last week.  Maybe it's the bombardment of Mother's day at the same time I'm feeling powerless.  Who knows?  It's not like the situation has really changed from last week. 

Now it's just that there'a a doctor who said the same things that I had been telling myself. Plus, he was uncaring and perfunctory - he didn't bother to ask any questions, or want to answer any questions.  So, really, why should I care what he had to say?

Maybe it's knowing - instead of suspecting, that we're looking at a long road ahead of us, with no guarantee of success.  The only thing that's guaranteed is that if we keep moving ahead, we're going to spend a lot of money.  It's hard to feel good about moving forward.  It's admitting that there's something wrong with us.  It's the death of dreams. 


I have this carseat I bought March 1st of last year, while I was still on the pill.  I bought it because it was an awesome carseat, and I was saving at least $100 off the retail price.  I bought the carseat when I still thought that we were going to be one of the lucky ones - you know, one of those people who get's pregnant right off the bat, almost without trying.  I bought the carseat, even knowing that buying stuff for a baby that doesn't exist anywhere except in your imagination is probably not a good idea.  I bought the carseat - even though there was a voice in the back of my head that said I was jinxing myself.  It sits in a box in my basement, never opened, currently being used as a saddle stand, mocking me. 

I'm thinking about selling it, or giving it away.  The part of me that thinks of it as a jinx tells me that I need to get rid of it, and then maybe a miracle will happen.  (Forget it, says the cold logical part of me, a carseat doesn't have anything to do with whether or not you get pregnant.)  The other part of me, the one that's sitting in a corner, curled up into a ball, but holding on tight to that small thread of hope that I assume gets us all through this, feels like giving away or selling that carseat is admitting defeat before we even get started.  So, the carseat is still in the basement, with the crib my grandmother bought for my youngest sister, and the desk that was my mom's as a child and then mine that I started to refinish last spring.  These things are like our extra bedroom, pieces of a life we don't yet have, sitting in limbo and waiting for something to change.

If I feel like this right now - how much worse is it going to get?  I haven't even been at this very long.  Maybe it's graduated steps of pain - because you can get used to anything after a while, so eventually you start to feel normal again, at least until something else gets added.  Then you adjust again.  At some point - I know that it either get';s easier, or you get better at dealing with it.  That or you just give up.

I've thought about it.  Though about whether putting myself us through all of this is really worth it.  I just keep coming back to being unable to picture myself happy.  I can picture mostly content, and resigned. I can picture some of the differences, but in the end, it still doesn't pass the rocking chair test. So I'm putting one foot in front of the other, and tonight, when I get home from the bargaining committee meeting, I'll work some more on the new patient paperwork.