Time to take the shot

Today is trigger day again.  It seems like things are looking god.  I've got the details from yesterday that I will share, but the doctor said this morning they they would call today to tell me what time to trigger.

I have a baby shower to go to tonight (which I forgot to wrap the gift for (Probably because Niko was sick last night.  She needed cuddling, had a slight fever, and needed a couple of nebulizer treatments.)  I feel bad that I won't be able to spend a lot of time with her tonight.  But I'm excited for my friend who is coming to the end of another successful IVF cycle.

Yesterday's details:

e2: 2889
Prog: 0.9
Follicles
Right - 4x18-19mm, 2x16mm
Left - 5x18-19mm 1x17mm

Today's details to follow, sometime...

IVF 3 Updates

So I've been lax in posting my Stims details.  Needless to say, it's going well.

Cycle Day 6 - Stims Day 4 (last Thursday)

e2  - 644
Prog - 0.5
Follicles
Left: 6 between 10 and 13 mm
Right: 1 @ 11mm 7 @ 10mm

Cycle Day 8  - Stims Day 6 (Saturday)
I've got this one written down at home, so I don't have the exact numbers
e2 - 1600ish
Prog - 0.7

Follicles
Left: 1 @ 16 + 5 more
Right 1 @ 15 + 5 more

Cycle Day 10 - Stims Day 8  (Today)

No lab values yet - I promise they're coming (I do want to track for my own future reference if nothing else)

Follicles
A whole bunch.  Largest ones are in the 20 range.  I'm looking at probably one more day of stims and then trigger tomorrow.  there weren't many at 20, so I think they'll probably want to let them cook one more day.  And that's what the doctor implied during my ultrasound this morning.  We're getting close to the home stretch.

When I look back at the last micro flare cycle - this is looking about the same.  I started off with a couple more countable follicles this time (maybe that means I'll have a few more eggs to work with?  So, it feels good and it feels bad.  We got a good crop of eggs last time, and 7 of them ended up fertilizing, but none were transferable...  THAT REALLY SUCKS, and I don't want to go there again.

Other than that.  I'm doing pretty good.  Jakobe and I had a weekend out.  We went and stayed in the Davenport Hotel, spent a lot of time reconnecting with each other, and ti's probably a good thing, cause the last couple of weeks have been pretty rocky for us.  The IVF itself is a lot easier(Mostly because I don't deem to be a hormonal, moody, emotional train wreck!)

Last time about this time I told you all I felt like the Sta-Pufft Marshmallow Man.  It's true.  I have another way I've been describing it this time:

  Imagine that you have to fart - really fart - and you just can't.  You can feel everything built up in your belly, and it's just not going anywhere.  Yep - that's where I am.

I'll get you the final update on what day 10 really looks like a bit later.

Labs Update

Here are the actual details from this morning:

Blood work:

• E2: 27.2
• Prog 0.21
• LH 6.3

Follicles

• Right: 4
• Left: 6
• for a total of 10 - which is the lowest I've seen, but I know it varies from month to month for me, and It's still in the okay range.

All around the mulberry bush...

I wrote a whole post about how my marriage is falling apart, and we're doing IVF anyway, but decided that it was too depressing, and rambling and not at all funny.  Given the subject, I wonder why...

SO on the sunnier side of things.  My meds are here, I had my first cycle ultrasound this morning, and I think I had 10 antral follicles.(I'll get more accurate numbers when the nurse calls with my labs later today.)

I'm on a microdose Lupron flare protocol again this time, because it worked pretty well the last time. 

I'm feeling relaxed, and positive about this cycle.  Not positive as in I'm sure it's going to work (I'm thinking we're probably throwing money into a pit - it might throw up a baby in return, but it'll probably grin and belch instead) but positive as in, this is going to be okay.

Just to fill you in on details - and there's a bunch because I haven't been posting as frequently as I meant to.

My last Day 3 labs - May 9th:

• Estradiol 41.9
• FSH 7.6 
• LH 3.5
• FSH/LH ratio 2.1:1
• TSH 1.22

My first labs from this cycle (before I stopped the BCP) - August 6th

• Estradiol: 27.6
• Progrsterone: 0.3
• LH 3.5

Jakobe's Semen Analysis - end of July, results received August 7th

• Total Count: 17 Million
• Morphology: 3% (strict)
• Motile Percentage: 18%
• Motile count: 3 Million
• 100% lack good forward progression

So - not a whole lot has changed since our last cycle almost 2 years ago - You know, other than my eggs getting older and more stale.  I'll post today's lab values a bit later.

One quick comment about the thing that makes this whole process a lot less stressful:

Isn't she adorable?

Induced Lactation - The results

I make milk.  not a lot, not enough, but I do make milk.

The lactation consultant calls it a miracle - mostly because I have never ever been even a little bit pregnant.

At last check Niko was getting about 1/4 to 1/2 and ounce from me when breastfeeding - so we're supplementing with a lot of first mom's pumped breast milk.  Our current goal is to introduce no formula until  she's at least a month old.  She's also getting almost all of her nutrition at the breast, with the help of a Lact-Aid.  While I may not make anywhere near enough milk for her, there are so many other benefits that I'm not giving up.  Nothing calms he down when she's upset faster that being put to the breast, and the little sleepy satiated smiles that she gives when she's full but still suckling are among the best ever.  We'll keep this up as long as we can.

It's been so worth it.

On the Fist Week of Motherhood

Before I can say anything else, I just have to say, in a tone of utmost wonder I am a mother.

This week has been one of the most amazing weeks of my life. And as a capstone, My baby girl, the most beautiful baby you have ever seen, finished her very first bath... by pooping in her hoodie towel. Okay, maybe not finished, because she had to get back into the bath.

Sleep is a luxury, one that I treasure and don't get anywhere near enough of, but at the same time, there are small joys in the lack of sleep, like a head totally picked up so that a very small face can peer at you in the dark, that are unmatched in my dreams.

Niko was born last Friday, at 10:44 pm. She weighed 8 lbs 2oz, was 20.5 inches long, and had a head circumference of 13.5. for tho9se who care about other details, her apgar scores were 8 and 9 – both knocked down for color. The cord wasn't wrapped around her neck, just over her shoulder and around the rest of her like a boa constrictor. He first mother was a champion. She was induced first thing in the morning, but things didn't move very quickly until they broke her bag of waters at about 6 pm – after her epidural. When it came to pushing, it was all over in one contraction. So – Our daughter was born with a beautiful round head, instead of the common cone-head.

We stayed in the Hospital until late Sunday morning, long enough to avoid worst of the Bloomsday madness downtown. Once we got home, we all got settled in. First Mom was staying with us until we got her milk supply established, because she's pumping and providing breast milk to make up for my very limited production, so we had a room for her, and for her youngest son, so that she could cuddle her baby while she was here. She stayed until Thursday afternoon. In most ways it was great, but I wasn't prepared for the bustle of a bored thr4ee-year-old in my house, and sleeping during the day was just not possible.

Other things we did this week:

• On Monday, we went to court with first Mom while she relinquished their rights to Niko. When she came out of the courtroom I could tell that it was hard for her, but all she did was give me a great big hug, and tell me “She's yours now.”
• 
  
  On Tuesday, we saw the pediatrician, and the lactation consultant for the first time. Both appointments went well, but We learned that I am not all that great at getting Niko to latch correctly, and it was affecting my minimal supply in a negative manner. (I was an excellent student at the brain based stuff – but sports and coordination we not really my forte, and correct latching should be an Olympic sport.) Also – My sister and brother in law came over to visit.
• Wednesday, We didn't do much. My Mom came to visit on her way home from work. Just a lot of practicing and trying to make breastfeeding work better. Plus we were on an every 2 Hour schedule. (from start to start. Wake, feed, supplement, pump, sleep in whatever time was left) The while first family came over for dinner.
• Thursday, First mom went home in the early afternoon. I lent her one of my hospital grade rental pumps to use, instead of a manual pump. Hopefully it works better for her, and helps her out when she goes back to work. Thursday Night the whole family came back – So the dads could talk about one of their hobbies. Honestly – I just wanted to sleep.
• Friday, back to the lactation consultant. I'm still only makking about ½ an ounce of milk per feeding, but – I no longer have to pump in the middle of the night, and I have learned how to use the lact-aid, so w can breastfeed and supplement at the same time, and it should help my supply more than the breast pump did. My best friend and her finacee came over for our normal friday get-together, and he made us dinner. I love them!
  (...pause to feed the baby, and maybe run errands)

Note – that pause lasted 4 days. So, I figured that I had better post this while I have a moment.

Introducing Niko

Born 5/4/12 - on Star Wars Day, just for her daddy.

10:44 pm

8 lbs 2 oz

20.5 Inches long

Head circumference 13.5 inches

Caught in the Middle...

...between expectations and desires
...between my hisband and reality
...between fuck if I know

It's been a while since I updated all of you out here in the blogosphere about what's going on with us.  and that's mostly becasue a lot has been going on, and I've bbeen going crazy with trying to figure out how to put everything together and make this work.

The biggest hurdles right now are financial.  Why?  Becasue the expenses of this Adoption have ballooned to be almost twice what we were led to believe at the outset, and that's becasue they are our friends and are being nice, it could have ballooned even more.  This is some expensive shit.  Honestly though, it's not like I didn't know that were were going to be going into some major debt for this.  We didn't have any time to save, and we blew all of our savings on IVF last year.  So, as much as we're not really poor, we are very definately broke.  And - it sucks.

A bigger problem is communication, and getting blindsided with expenses at unexpected times. So after we talked about medical expenses earlier, and I thought we might have the start of a plan, we got a call from our lawyer today saying that he needed a check from us for $900.  Today. Aargh.  Anyway, it's done - taken care of.  And, although I had to use my grediut card, I got a pretty good deal on the interest rate - for now. 

In other news.  I now have a bunch of hand me down clothes and diapers and diaper covers that are currently being washed and then will be folded and put away.  and - I have some adorable new stuff that came in the mail as a present for *BLOG NAME NOT YET DETERMINED* - Thank you Foxy!

So, we're a lot closer.  We still need an infant carseat and a crib.  I was initially thinking about a co-sleeper, but I think we'll side car the crib instead.  But - We're not going to have a cold nekkid baby.  And we got this awesome room divider thing to use as a dresser.  We can set it on end right now so that it's easy for us to use, but then we can later put it on it's side so that all the drawers are easy for her to reach.  I love this idea!

I'm waiting for the accessory kit for the breastpump to get to me, and wondering why it take so long (and $10) to ship something 4 miles.  I'm also getting ready to order the domperidone, cause we're getting closer tio me starting to take that.  On the breastfeeding/milkmaking front I'm mostly where I was before.  IU've3 got some dribbles, but that's about it.  We'll see what happens when the dom and the breast pump make it into the mix.

We've also pretty much finalized out leave plans.  I'm going to take 6 weeks.  It'll use up all of my vacation and sick leave, but I can basically swing it.  Then Jakobe will take 2 weeks, and then, then it's daycare.  Any good tips on finding one?

So, I guess to tie it all up, we're broke, going for broker, and I'm sitting here winding down at the end of my day with a large glass of port.

Expecting

My bubble of waiting
is thin-skinned
easily burst
The slightest breeze of envy
causes it to ripple
and shift around me

Without balance
it shudders
leaving me to wonder
if I can stay on solid ground
and fly away
both

Seeing the world through
its rainbow hues
seems less than real
and more
I step carefully
shifting only slightly

Waiting for the
POP,
to be crushed by reality
or to float away
carried in the wind
of a new dream

I wrote the poem yesterday, and on Saturday we have the home visit for our Home-study.  Or family and friends have been amazingly helpful and supportive, and we've gotten a lot done, but I still can't help but feel totally and completely nervous.  What if something goes wrong?

I'm also feeling a bit sad to go along with all of the excitement.  Sad about ht parts of this experience that I don't get to have.  I'm working my way through it, but I didn't exactly think that all of the feelings about my infertility were going to go away just because we're adopting.  I still have to deal with them.  It's easier, and harder.  Easier, because I don't fear that we'll never get to be parents.  Harder because I feel a little bit guilty for my sadness in a way that I didn't before.

I'm sorry that I've been pretty quiet over here.  I've been focused on doing things here instead of writing about doing things, and When I get involved with my life and have less angst, I seem to write less.  We'll see how things go from here on out.

I *did* make my very first quilt for her.  and I'll share a picture of it with you.

Making Milk

So - yesterday was my appointment with the Lactation Consultant, and it went pretty darn well, she was pleased that we had a lot of time to work with - and careful to warn me that it's a lot of effort if the adoption doesn't go through.  She has her own modified version of the Newman-Goldfarb protocol, which is the protocol I'll be following.  I thought I'd share it here.  A - because it's important info to have out there, and B - so I don't forget it either.

I will be using domperidone (she prefers not to use Reglan, and it's contraindicated for me anyway) because I'm okay with ordering it online, and not freaked out by the slightly behind the government's back way of doing things.  She does say that the dom should be actually approved sometime next year.

So - Here's the plan:

1. When we are about 12-13 weeks out from the due date, I start taking Yaz continuously.
2. At 2-3 weeks before the due date, I start adding the dom.  
1. Starting dosage for the dom is 2 tablets three times a day - continue at that dose for 5-7 days
2. Continuing dosage of the dom is 3 tablets 3 times a day (can go slightly higher - max is 4 tabs 3 times a day)
3. When we go to the higher dose of dom, we stop the Yaz, and start pumping and hand expression 8 times a day (and one of those will be in the middle of the night, if not 2).

I apparently respond much better to hand expression than I do to the pump.  With hand expression I can get drips right now, but the pump did nothing for me.  I know that the drips aren't usual for most people, but I've been a bit of a drip for like 8 years, so I guess I'm used to it.  I can hand express as I feel like it between now and when pumping begins.

The reason  that it's not a firm timeline is that some of it will depend on if it looks like she'd going to be here a bit early.  The lactation consultant also said that I should be prepared for the consultants at the other hospital - where she will be born - to be less than helpful.  She would like the birthmom to express colostrum to be spoonfed for the first couple of feedings - and for me to suckle as well.  I know that after that she plans to pump for a little while to give us some breast milk.

Finally - she very much says that I need to rent a hospital grade pump, so I'm going to have to figure out which one that needs to be.  The Symphony one from the Hospital is $80 a month, and insurance won't help out until after the baby is here, there's another one I was looking at that is $45 for the first month, and then $25 a month after that, but she wanted to make sure that it was one she felt would work well.  I'll probably hear from her next week sometime.

In a bit of awesome news - my authorization letter for the Lactation consultant arrived in the mail last night - I'm approved for 15 visits in the next year, so we shouldn't have a problem on that end.  I'll likely be able to go right away after she comes home.

That's the plan. 

Enter the whirlwind

Sometimes life just goes crazy on you, and the whirlwind comes and picks you up and takes you off to Oz.  That's about how I'm feeling right now.  The possible adoption that I mentioned before our IVF in the fall - they approached us again - We thought it had been taken off the table, and they thought we had decided not to.  Turns out we were both wrong.  So now I'm inhabiting the crazy world of trying to get the lawyer/home-study and everything else done.  Right now.  Why? because I'm a little bit paranoid about forgetting things, and because we're now expecting a little girl in May.

Is this the appropriate moment to say "Holy Sh*t!"?

In any case.  We all have an appointment with the Lawyer next Thursday, and I have an appointment with the Lactation Consultant this Friday.  We got most of our home-study packet last night, and I, at least, have started working on it.  To be fair, Jakobe was busy after it got here last night, and then he was at work today, so I can't expect him to have done all that much :)

I'm excited, and nervous, and scared.  I made my best friend go looking at BRU last night to burn off nervous energy.  No.  I did not buy anything.  I keep thinking off all the million things that we have to do, and worrying that we're not going to be good enough for the social worker, and we won't have a clean enough house (I'm thinking about enlisting M-I-L to that end.)

As a side note, it was amazing how un-monumental our appointment with the RE on Monday felt.  Basically, he didn't tell us anything we didn't expect to hear.  We're a little bit screwed on that front.  Oh well.  He still couldn't burst my bubble.

Anyway - anyone with experience with adoptive breastfeeding.  Let me know how your experience went.  I'm curious, and that's my plan.

Also - the expectant parents are wonderful and generous beyond words, and I can't express how much what they are doing means to us, and how sad I am for them at the same time.  I can't imagine.

Beta

Negative.

6dp5dt - I can still find my marbles

If I look hard enough anyway.  I'm trying to stay positive, but you know how it goes, sometimes you just have those moments of doubt.  Those moments where you're sure that like everything else before now you're going to get dumped flat on my face.  In any case, I've been keeping busy, and trying not to get too worked up.  I've done a lot of reading, and playing of video games.  Last night I took my best friend out to dinner and shopping for chocolate and kitchen implements (I'm now the proud owner of an 11" tart pan with a removable bottom.

Symptoms (that may or may not be all in my head):

• Cramping - Not in my head, I've been cramping since Thursday.
• Sore boobs (over the weekend.)  Then they got better :(
• Jakobe said that my boobs were bigger, but I couldn't see/feel a difference.
• Tired - But that was just yesterday and might be meaningless, I was falling asleep at dinner at about 7:30 last night.
•  Increased Heart rate: 90bpm while lying in bed, 103 BPM while sitting at my desk (and I know that's really high even for my sedentary fat ass.)

I feel like I'm just picking up on little things that don't have any meaning, and I'm worried becasue my breasts stopped being sore, Like maybe embry started and then couldn't keep going. 

I could POAS today, or tomorrow or even Thursday, but I don't want to know.  Okay I do want to know, but If it's negative I would like to go on thinking I'm pregnant for as long as possible.  I did have my progesterone test done yesterday, and it came back just fine at 21.7.

In the meanwhile we have a plan for my not drinking on Thanksgiving.  I'm buying myself some sparkling cider, and Jakobe is going to drink.  I'm the Designated Driver this time.  Honestly - I don't think it's going to work.  But it's a plan anyway.  I just don't think I want to be talking about it with all the aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, Etc.  

I just have to make it until Friday.

And Murphy strikes again.

We have nothing to freeze, according to our nurse, all 5 arrested overnight.

I'm trying not to get too upset or emotional, wouldn't want to fuck up the broken basket that's carrying our only egg.

Support group meeting should start anytime.  Probably a good thing.  I'm going to eat blueberry cream cheese tart and try not to cry.

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PUPO

Here's Embry.  We were told that it was an excellent looking embryo, so we have that going for us.  I have spent all day on the couch, but I guess that's okay.  I should remember my vitimins before I pass out. 

The details on the others are, as of this morning:

2 early blasts

2 morulas

1 delayed

I'm hoping there's at least one to freeze in the morning.  I'd prefer two.

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Go Embry! Go!

  None of our fresh embryos were ready for transfer this morning.  (The clinic only transfers expanded blasts).  So we are thawing Embry and proceeding with transfer.  They weren't able to give me details on the other embryos, but they should ba able to when we get there at 11 for our 11:30 transfer.

For now, Jakobe and I are heading out so he can eat, and there will be more details to follow.

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Day three Reporting

Well, I am feeling better.  Still a bit of odd sensations in the pelvic region, but basically okay.  I haven't quite figured out how I feel about how things are going this time.  I'm certainly not despondent and full of fear, which is pretty much how I was feeling about this point int he process last time.  Instead I'm just trying not to have too much in the way of expectations either way. 

Jakobe is in some ways my rock.  He's really good at being optimistic and being sure that this are going to work out in our favor.  At the same time, He has crawled into his very safe and secure bubble - other wise known as near constant video games.  It's how he deals with things, but I still kind of miss him when he does. 

So far the PIO injections are going very well.  I kick him off of the TV for about forty five minuted so that I can watch some tv with a heating pad on my bum.  I'm doing the injections in my right hip, and he's taking care of the ones in my left hip.  He thinks it's a fair division of labor - I can't bring myself to tell him that it's only fair if half the injections are in *HIS* bum.  oh well, not exactly going to work out that way.

On Saturday I headed over to the local coffee shop for a support group meeting, but it turned out I was the only one who could make it.  We have two groups right now - One for people who are experiencing infertility at any stage of their journey, and one for those who are trying to conceive or parent their first.  It was the second group that was pretty empty this weekend, and not for a bad reason.  We have finally had several people who have moved on.  They finally have their BFP, and they are now taking new steps.  It's been a long time coming, because the group had about a two year drought.  Now - We've got three pregnant women.

I hope I get to be number four.  It'll play hell on the meetings, but for good reasons.

I guess it's time to share this morning's details.

We have four 8-cell embryos, and one that's at less than 5 cells.  I don't expect that last one to make it.  SO I'm thinking that we have four that were right on schedule this morning.  We won't know any more until Wednesday morning, when they will tell us if any of them are ready to transfer.  Even if they're not, we're going to have a transfer, we'll just thaw and use Embry (or: the little embryo who could).  Here's to being almost PUPO.

Fert Report

I got the call this morning while I was driving to our support group meeting (Jakobe was still home sleeping).  I think that this is good news, and we won't hear any more until Monday.

14 Retrieved

9 Mature

7 fertilized

Now they just have to grow. 

Yesterday wasn't bad, I hurt more than last time, but overall I was okay and took it easy.  I had one bout, late in the evening where I got flushed and the hot/cold prickles and thought I was going to throw up.  I didn't and I am very glad.  I'm feeling okay today, still a little sore, but not bad.  Getting ready to wait.

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Fourteen!!!

We got 14 eggs!  We'll know about fertilization tomorrow.  I am experiencing more discomfort than last time, but that was to be expected.  Sitting around the house, trying to get comfortable and watching movies.

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on waiting rooms

I think I would lose my head if it wasn't attached.  Here we are, sitting in the waiting room, and Jakobe had already been called in to do his part and I have a sudden realization.  Our consent forms?  They're at home in *my* car, and unsigned.  Oops.  Thankfully, I caught Jakobe, and we got them signed.  Part of him wanted to read them again, and he asked:  "What happens If I refuse to sign now?"

My response (laughing):"I beat you to death with this clipboard."

Anyway, we're here waiting and my retrieval is at 8 am, so we shouldn't have to wait too long.  Plus Heather brought me a package of dark chocolate lacey cookies from Trader Joe's.  She's awesome, and I am lucky to have her.

I'll keep you in the loop, and let you know about everything.

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