08 April 2011


I can’t tell you why, but right now, none of this, the fertility treatments, the thought that in less than a month I could actually be pregnant seems real to me.  It feels more like a story that I’m telling myself.  It feels like I’m going to get to the end of the story and it’s just going to be over.  While I know what the actual goal of going through all of this is, I just can’t seem to wrap my head around the idea of it working, or of it being real.
I feel like I’m being positive, I’m planning for a positive outcome, and hoping for it – but I just can’t seem to really believe it.  And then I worry – that if don’t really believe, then it won’t happen.

With every step forward, I keep waiting for it to seem real now, and at each junction, I still feel like I’m going through the motions.  Would it be more real if some of the steps were harder to take?  If I were afraid of needles?  If my girly bits hadn’t always been on display to every passing doctor and nurse?  Will it get more real when my ovaries are swollen and uncomfortable?  When I have the retrieval?  At Transfer?  Beta?

I don’t know what to think.   I know that at the beginning of the week my eyebrow started twitching.  Whether or not I believe it, my body is feeling the stress.

Last night and today's Medication regimen was unchanged:

  • 225 IU Follistim
  • 20 units Low Dose HCG


  1. It will continue to seem surreal. I think it is our brain's way of protecting us...hang on!

  2. I didn't realize that I had the same thoughts until you voiced yours. It just feels like yet another month of poking myself with needles. Hopefully it will be very real to both of us in a couple of weeks!

  3. I felt that way my first time through this. This time is a little different for me and I'm not sure why. I keep telling myself that I'll be pregnant very soon. Not sure it's a good idea to be THAT positive for myself, but it's what I'm doing. I'm hoping that you will be pregnant very soon, too...maybe then you will feel like this is more real. It's probably a good thing (like Kakunaa says) to protect ourselves by sort of separating things. Isn't it amazing what we can do and how lightly we sometimes take it? We are a strong bunch of women, that's for sure.

  4. Hello!

    Well, I can't tell you when it will seem real to you, but for me it didn't seem real until LB was born.

    Really. I was in labor and I couldn't imagine having a baby. IMO, it will work or not independent of whether you believe it.

    Good luck!

  5. I agree--it will not seem real for a long time. My IF journey was much easier than yours but it STILL doesn't seem real to me. I am deep fears about SIDS and I think I am STILL protecting myself from getting attached to the idea of having a baby.

    I'm hoping by his first birthday I will embrace my life, though.

  6. Yup, totally normal to feel that way. There is such a disconnect from when you have been trying for so long to a real take home baby. It does seem to work, I am hopeful for you!

  7. God it was like I had written that post...I actually can't even imagine this ending up with a pregnancy-it's like I am doing all this, hoping for the best, but...pregnancy seems like a dream.

  8. Know how you feel about it feeling like a story that we're telling ourselves rather than it feeling real.... staying positive is the main thing - it will feel real when the BFP comes :)) xoxo

  9. I haven't started treatments yet, but I know what you mean about the whole thing seeming kind of unreal. We have been trying for almost a year and a half, and sometimes I think I have completely forgotten that there could actually be a baby at the end of this process. It just seems so unreal sometimes. Thank you for your post. Wishing you all the best on this cycle!

  10. I just had to stop back by and comment about you buying patterned socks. It's so funny because when I go to the RE, it doesn't matter if I have on makeup or not, or what my hair looks like, but by jiminy my socks are awesome! haha! I guess it's logical though because it's really the only part of me they see....ok, well the only clothed part since the rest of me is covered up with a sheet. Yesterday I wore flip flops but took a pair of socks with me to slip on after undressing, but forgot until after I was dressed and ready to leave. :)

  11. I think we're all so used to not being pregnant, not getting two lines, that we can't conceive of the alternative (no pun intended... well, maybe). I'm exactly the same. I could be pregnant in 2 weeks, but my mind refuses to allow me to believe it. I agree with Kakunaa, its definitely a self-preservation thing as well.

  12. I am wondering the same thing. When will this really feel real?


Have an observation, comment, or advice? Please share, I need all the help I can get.

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