12 April 2011

Day 9: letting go, and trusting

Jakobe and I talked for about an hour last night while we were lying in bed and holding on to one another.  It was good for us.  We talked about our options, and what we thought that we wanted to do...

When we started talking I was leaning pretty strongly toward converting to an IUI.  Jakobe thought we should either cancel outright, or we should go ahead.  At the end of our discussion, he felt like we should just keep going....  this isn't our last chance, and it might work.  We should take the risk, because IVF with a few eggs is probably still a better chance than we're going to have with IUI, and certainly a better chance than we've got on our own....  and another IVF is something we can do in a little while if it doesn't work.

Right now, I think, that I'm going to trust his judgement.  I know that I've done a fair amount of pushing him around during this whole process.  This one is his - I just can't make the choice in a rational manner without tearing my heart to bits.  He say's that it's his job to lighten my load, to make it easier, and I know that we need to carry it together.  I need to let him.

Once I started thinking this way, I was overcome with a feeling of peace.  I'm not happy with our circumstances, but at the same time, I'm in good hands.

Symptom wise - I stayed home from school today - too much emotion, and my tummy is starting to develop sharp pains.  That and I feel like a balloon.  I'm fat, bloated, and gassy.  If this doesn't work, I desperately need to make myself lose some weight, because I've almost gained back everything I lost after the wedding.

Today's Drug details (unchanged)

  • 150 IU Follistim in the AM
  • 225 IU Follistim in the PM + 20 units Lo-dose HCG


  1. a plan is a plan. Awesome to hear that you can find some peace in letting Jakobe take the reins on this decision.

    During our cycle, I just kept thinking, one good egg, all we really need is one good egg, one good egg with one good sperm, and one cozy resting place to sustain one good embryo for 9 months.

    You are controlling the only thing you can right now, by focusing your energy on taking care of yourself.

    Love you girl!

  2. I think you made a great choice! Jakobe's points are valid - and I think it is wonderful that you are letting him "take the reins" on this one.

    Keep us updated! Love ya!

  3. I like his thought process and I am so glad you have him to help you through these things. Those decisions are terribly difficult to make on your own. Yay for good Hubbys.

  4. I think that Jakobe's reasoning is sound, and I am glad you can let go of this one and let him handle it.

    Thanks for your reply on my situation. I will write a long post later on how I came to my decision (I'm going ahead with the original plans) but my husband was instrumental in that too. He's never expressed an opinion about my infertility treatment. He shows up and does what he needs to. So I was actually afraid to tell him about the EE because I thought he would insist I stop treatment and take care of that first. But he is the one that said he didn't want to stop. That led me to do more research and come to my decision!

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  6. I think you guys made the best choice, and I'll be hoping that you get at least one perfect embryo out of this that they can put back.

    It is wonderful that you and your husband are not only on the same page in all this, but that you are also able to lean on each other for support. Being able to find peace in your decision, in your life, and in your relationship - that's what keeps us moving forward through all this.

    Hugs and lots of love.

  7. It's really hard to make those decisions. I had to make it in the nurses office after another dismal scan with only 2 lead follicles. Ugh, it wasn't pretty. Anywho...I'm glad you have a plan and having a plan will almost always lighten the burden of a stressful time. Best of luck to you. I hope you are pleasantly surprised as you keep moving forward.

  8. Sorry that I've missed your posts over the last few days and that you're faced with this difficult decision... if you're feeling peaceful about the thought of going ahead then you're intuition is telling you something. Lovely that you guys could talk about it in so much detail and feel his support so strongly. It really only takes one good egg and our FS says that lots of eggs often means poor quality/fertilisation rates.. as we discovered the hard way. So even one great one retrieved can be enough to get to your dream. Love to you always xoxo


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