And the winner is...

Okay, so I don't know how anyone else has done this in the past, but I typed everyone's name (in reverse date order) into an excel spreadsheet, and then used random.org to pick a number between 1 and 178.  I was shocked to discover that I had received 178 comments from all of you amazing, supportive, wonderful people during our IVF cycle.  I don't know if you realize how much caring I felt from each and every one of you, not only along the way, but also tonight, while doing the work for the giveaway.  Everyone of you is awesome!

What's that?  you want to know who the winner was?

#52 - Or Foxy from Someday.  I kind-of think it's fitting, because not only did she give me the idea, but she is a champion commenter.

But - Before I go, I want to say thank you to each and every one of you.  You made a crazy, stressful, and difficult time easier.  I wish I had something for each and every one of you.  So thank you to:

• eighteenyears
• Kat
• Kakunaa
• Mr. Thompson and Me
• Nikki Sunshine
• justadrienne
• Awaiting Our Miracle
• Marianne
• New Year Mum
• Leigh
• TeeJay
• Elaine VanDRiver
• Kerrik
• Kami
• Fran
• Baby Hopes
• Yolanda
• Gurlee
• Emmy
• TeamBabyCEO
• musicmakermomma
• Miss Conception
• J'espere
• empty whole
• Baby Mamma
• A Shadow of My Former Self
• Ruth
• B-
• Krista
• Kate Nadeau
• KC
• Courtney
• Lola
• E and R
• Me and You, Just us - Two
• marriage20
• Junebug
• Missy
• abracadabrababy

P.S.  Maintenance started yesterday, and we talked to the clinic.  We're going to take the summer off, and then we'll take a stab at IVF #2 in the fall, specifically November.  Now We just need to make ourselves a WTF appointment, and see where we go from here.


.

Taking Time

Just a quick note to let you all know that I'm still here.  I'm very very behind on the reading of all of my blog buddies, and I expect to stay that way for a while.  I'll be working on a post this week for the Bust a Myth campaign, but other than that I'm still just here. Taking it a day at a time.  I've become very adept at pretending everything is fine, but I'm half-assing my schoolwork, and spending a lot of time reading fiction that takes me away from here.

I started spotting today, so I suspect that maintenance isn't too far away, which means that making a decision about a frozen cycle in June, or July isn't very far away either.

I love you all, and I'll be announcing the giveaway winner from my cycle later this week as well. ( As soon as I figure out how to do the random choosing.)

Dollars and $ense of family building

Click on the picture to see the
other responses

This was started over at Write Mind Open Heart, and it's a conversation that we all need to be aware of.  The added costs of family building when it comes to Infertility and Adoption are not a laughing manner, and neither is how we will explain these things to our children and how they will feel about them.Some of these questions I have to answer from a hypothetical perspective, because I don't know all of my answers or my journey yet.  I thought that this would be an appropriate opening post for my National Infertility Awareness Week Blogging.

Consider your now or future children as adults, and consider the fact that you had to spend money to either conceive them or make them part of your family. What effect do you think the latter will have on the former one day? What, do you think, your grown children might feel about the funds it took to create your family?

I hope that they're not bothered by it, and I hope to instill the belief that we loved them and wanted them so much that we went all out in the attempt to be their parents. 

How did/would you handle it if your child asks you, “Mom, how much did I cost?” How would you answer at age 7? At age 18?

I would be honest, but try to couch it in terms that make sense to them given their age.  And try to remind them that we didn't go out to the store and buy them, we went to the doctor and paid him to help us.  So, to a 7 year old, it might be along the lines of an awful lot, and maybe a dollar figure, but something to make it real and to a child on the cusp of adulthood - I'd probably compare it to the amount it costs to buy a new car.

When calculating the costs of your family building, what do you include? The direct costs are easy (such as RE fees for a cycle or homestudy fees), but what about fees that didn’t directly lead to your child’s existence in your life, such as cycles that didn’t work, adoption outreach avenues that didn’t work, failed adoptions, avenues that were explored (and that cost something) but not pursued, etc.?

So far I'm including all of the costs.  Medications, supplements, testing, marital counseling, cycles that didn't work, everything.  Why, because that is the cost of us building our family.  It's not just the cost of a single cycle, because we should learn from the failed ones and hopefully make the next try better.  On the other hand - I'm not counting the costs of snacks at support group meetings, or the cost f gas to drive around....  or - even - the cost of ice cream.

If two children in a family “cost” different amounts, should that have any significance?

No.  Because it's not a measure of a child, it's the measure of the amount of help that we needed to bring that child into our family.

To what extent have finances determined the family-building decisions you have made? How have you able to balance financial considerations against other factors such as medical, ethical, emotional…?

Finances have played a big role.  We really didn't want to go deeper into debt to start our family.  So we spent a year of instituting austerity measures at home to help us pay more out of pocket for our treatments.  We chose to participate in a type of shared risk plan because we knew that we couldn't afford to try again if the first attempt failed, at least not soon after, and we wanted to make sure that we would have a good chance at a family.  In many cases, We put some of our emotional heath on the back burner to our financial health, waiting put strains on our marriage, and strains on our emotions that we weren't really prepared for.  Mostly because although I'm the one who wanted to save first, I'm also the one who was impatient.

Has institutional and governmental support for certain family-building paths impacted your choices? For example, ART being covered by insurance, tax deductions for adoption expenses, etc.

No treatments were covered by our insurance, and there is nothing in our state that required that they do so.  The only way that the outside entities affected our decisions is that they made family building harder for us.

Have you considered having ART treatments abroad, either due to lower cost or due to certain methods being unavailable or illegal in your own country? In your decision-making, how did you balance the financial savings against issues like the unknowns of the country, perhaps not speaking the language, and medical practices that may differ from those of your home country? If you did travel abroad for treatments, what was your experience? Would you do it again?

Right now, I'm not comfortable with it.  Probably because I haven't traveled that much myself, and because I couldn't conceive of a way for us to go out of country for ART and keep our jobs.  Will I consider it in the future - I hope I don't have to, and I think that it's farther than Jakobe is willing to go.

Freezing conditions

I know - vitrifying avoids crystals

We have one that we get to freeze, and the other one appears to have quit.  So - I guess we're left with The Little Embie Who Could.  In any case, the nurse told me that the embryologist was surprised by how excellent it looked.  Now we just wait for my period to start again, and then we're on the roller coaster. Apparently the clinic wants to do the FET before we try another fresh cycle, so I don't know whether to hope it works, or hope that it doesn't and we get some sort of a chance at additional embryos.

The weather here cooperated with the Freezing theme of the day, and it snowed fairly heavily this morning (although it didn't stick much, or for long).  I have to say that the crazy weather is starting to get on my nerves,  sunny and warm, blowing and snowing...  just pick a season...preferably late spring.

The snow was tapering off when I took this picture.

.

Pushing Through

This morning sucked.  I managed to write my short post, and to write out a quick post to Facebook, because my extended family know just about everything, and it's easier than having to tell people.  Then Jakobe and I went to a little diner we like and I drank 3 cups of coffee and ate way too much breakfast!  We stopped by to see my mom and sister, who both work in the same place.  My sister had called me all excited and hopeful for me this morning, and she was going to call me back about lunch time...  it was easier to tell her face to face.  They cried for us - and I cried a little bit more.

After that we came home, and I was very glad to have something to do to occupy myself (besides my homework, which I also got done and e-mailed to the Prof. because I don't feel like going to class tonight.) and that was to put together the patio set my mother-in-law bought us me for my graduation present.  It was kind of fun, and definitely good for me to have something to do with my hands.

Besides, you can see my pot of rhubarb behind the chair.  It seems to be dealing well with being dug up and put in a pot, and I've got strawberries on the way!

I've seen that there are a lot of questions about if we can transfer tomorrow - the Dr.'s office has stopped doing day 6 transfers because they have found that they have a higher success rate with vitrifying the embryos on day 6 and putting them back on Day 5 of a different cycle.  Something about that being when the endometrium is best prepared for them.  I know that they've got very very exacting rules, and that some of these are new policies there.  I'm hoping it's because they've learned what works the best in their clinic.  As it is, I know that in many other clinics we would have had a transfer today.  

Right now - I'm at home.  My tummy is a bit upset (probably from the coffee, which I don't usually drink anyway, but had this morning because I could)  I've written this post.  I'll probably eat some ice cream.  I may also try to read some of your blogs.

I am so glad that there's a support group meeting tomorrow.  Maybe I can get the last of my crying done there.

**Note:  I think that tomorrow will be the last day of my giveaway, seeing as that will be the last post in this IVF cycle.**

.

No go.

There will be no transfer today. We had one early blast, and one not quite blast, so they'll lt them go until tomorrow and freeze what they can.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

My Petty Rebellion

Screenshot from www.starbucks.com

I had Starbucks Hot chocolate this morning.  And - When I looked it up then, it said that it had 25 mg of caffeine.  But, I drank it anyway.

Other than that, today was just a day - if you count the morning routine of getting up right before Jakobe leaves for work so that he can give my my PIO shot, and then waiting for 20 minutes in bed dozing, and then putting heat on it for another 20 minutes, and then finally getting up to face my day.

I have a secret for you - tonight I'm terrified.  I have hope tonight.  and I'm afraid that tomorrow morning will take it all away.  As much as I want the morning phone call, I don't want it.  I want to spend some more time in this happy limbo, where I just think that it might happen.  It's all too fast.  

Anyway - that was me - checking in.  I'll let you know tomorrow's news when I know it.

It’s about time…

…for us to get a bit of good news for a change.  And what do you know, it happened.

My nurse called this morning, and was very solicitous.  She asked a couple of times how I was doing, and it made me very nervous, because it made me expect more bad news.  But – That wasn’t the case.  She was actually calling to tell me that we had 2 embryos at the 8 cell stage.  Yeah, Two!

I was perplexed, because on Saturday morning we were told that only one had fertilized, and I didn’t know how one could turn into two at this point, so I was shocked.  I asked her, and she said that one had fertilized late, but had caught up.

Being flustered - and crying with relief (I had let myself believe that today was going to be more bad news) I didn’t ask for any more information.  I don’t know that she would have had more to give me, although if she had been able to tell me if there were fragmentation, or the grades of our little 8 celled embies, I would have latched on to that.  As it is, she said that there were both on track right now, and looking good.

So I guess right now our cast of characters is:

• The Little Embie that Could

And

• The Late Bloomer

 ***Update***:  my clinic only does 5 day transfers, and then only if you have expanded blasts.

Killing time - and Procrastination

I was supposed to be doing homework today.  Instead, I haven't gotten out of my PJs, and I have been doing stuff around the House.

• I made Belgian Waffles for Jakobe - cause that's what he wanted for breakfast.
• I spent hours and hours retouching the photo's I too of my little sister in her prom dress yesterday.
• We rigged a new center support system for our bad - it's awesome.  I don't think that bed was meant for a a memory foam mattress, and it needed more support. 
• We re-arranged the bedroom
• I cleaned (and really cleaned, the bedroom we re-arranged, and went through all of my dresser drawers.  They were a really big mess.)
• I did some laundry.
• I made a loaf of banana bread.
• I'm writing a blog entry.

You see where I'm going with this.  Not that most of this stuff didn't need to get done.  But - None of it was my homework.  I have senioritis, combined with being in a mentally fucked up bad place right now.  It sucks.

And then - there was a question on a blog about what your husband shouldn't day to an infertile wife.  We today mine asked me if I was nesting! grr.

Anyway.  I am going to share a couple of pics of my sister.  Because she was absolutely beautiful, and looked like a princess.  Even if she did have a couple of promzilla moments!  You can click on the thumbnails to see larger pictures.

 

Retrieval - the whole story, and my Fert Report

I'm typing this up early in the day, while I'm waiting for my fertilization report, and because Jakobe is still sleeping.  

**Update: Fert report is at the bottom, if you want to skip ahead**

So - yesterday's whole story:

I woke up, a bit earlier than we needed to, and then at 7 I started poking Jakobe, because he needed to get up and take a pill before we went.  Besides, he has a morning routine, and He mostly has to make it through the entire routine before we can leave...  even if it means leaving later than we should.  So we get up, and get dressed.  We decided Thursday night not to shower until after Jakobe's first trip in the the clinic (it's only about 15 minutes away from our house, so we didn't have to stay there all day.) and we would instead come home and shower in between.

When we got out of the house, and started driving in the car, I was checking my e-mail on my phone, and Jakobe looks at me sideways "you're not blogging right now are you?  I don't want you to be typing '7:30: we're driving to the clinic for Jakobe to deliver his sample.'  Anyway, I said no, I wasn't blogging (because I wasn't yet - I waited until I was alone in the waiting room and bored!)  But every time I started typing on the phone, he gave me a funny look.  Maybe I should respect his wishes more - but this is my thing... and I need it.

 In any case, I got a text from work - one of the server's was down, and since the other server guy is on a medical Leave, I was their only contact.  Thankfully, it wasn't bad, and all they needed was a password for that server.  I ended up talking to work twice yesterday, because then they needed to find a file, and I was the one who knew where it was.  It kind-of feels nice to be needed.

After finishing up at the clinic, we stopped at Jack in the Box for Jakobe's Breakfast (which he then had me carry on my lap - the whole drive home.  Soooo not fair.) It smelled so good, and I was hungry, so hungry that after we got home, and he ate, I was still having tummy growling moments while we were in the shower!  Once we finished killing more time at home, we drove out to my best friend's house to pick her up.  As she came out the door - the following conversation ensued:

ME: I assume you showered this morning.
HER: Of course.  
ME: and put on deodorant?
HER: Yeah
ME: Um, could you go wash it off?
HER: ...
ME: The doctor doesn't want us to have any scents on our skin, he says it's bad for the eggs/embryos.
HER: Oh, Okay, be- right back.
(wait a couple of minutes)
HER: Alcohol on your underarms is *cold* in the morning!

Then we were off.  I forgot to bring our consent forms (which we still hadn't signed) and so we grabbed them at the front test and started waiting.  The TV was on, and while it was The Price is Right, we were all okay, but then The Young and the Restless came on, and we had to change the channel - Jakobe grabbed the remote and switched it to supernatural - which I wasn't in the mood for, and besides, he just found a show he wanted to watch, and wasn't thinking about either of us...  I stole the remote from him, and we ended up with Fraggle Rock!

Then we got called into the back for Prep.  And you all saw the picture of me in my awesome gown.  That was before they tried to put in the IV.  Thankfully it only took about 20 minutes, and two pokes.  I ended up with the IV in the crook of my elbow.  More bruises!  Yay!  Talked for a bit, got post retrieval instructions, and then the anesthesiologist got me and brought me back.

I don't remember much of that part, just getting into position, him warning me that the drugs were coming, the oxygen in the mask starting to small funny, my face tingling, and waking up in recovery - where my feet we cold.  Actually, all of me was cold, and I was having chills, but that's a pretty normal response, and I wasn't worried.  We talked, waited, I ate crackers and drank juice so I could take my Tylenol #3, and the nurses came by to check my vitals several times.  The first one said that they got 3 and all were mature (which sounded off to me, I don't think that they could have known that yet?  Could they?) and my regular nurse said that they got 3 and that we'd get more information today.  In any case, after another stop by Jack in the Box - this time for Everyone, and where I ordered more food than I needed, because I was still hungry, we headed home.

I spent the rest of the day in bed, watching TV shows on my Laptop, and feeling uncomfortable.  It wasn't so much that I hurt from the retrieval, although there was a bit of pain from that, but it was mostly that this whole process has made me very gassy, and yesterday I couldn't pass gas.  THAT HURTS!  Thankfully, everything has resolved itself this morning, and I'm feeling pretty good - Physically anyway.

Got my Fert report while writing that last line:  Not great.  Of the 3 retrieved, only 2 were mature, and of those 2, only one fertilized.  We've got one.  And gods damn it, I hope it grows, and divides, and makes it - cause we've got only one egg in our basket.  I think we'll probably be doing this again in a couple of months.  Maybe we'll get a better result.  A girl can hope.  She can also cry.

all done.

Not feeling too bad. Feeling a little cold, but mostly just fine. Including the pic I forgot to attach earlier. Oh, and we got 3. We'll know tomorrow about maturity and fertilization. Stopping at Jack in the Box at the way home.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Waiting...

In my uber sexy getup. Not much else to say right now. Best friend is here keeping us entertained.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

R-Day

It's here. Today is the first day of truth, when we start getting a bit in the way of hard numbers, and we're really on the way. Since Leigh (I promise to link later, she's hornmonacoaster.blogspot.com, IIRC and I had the same blog title by chance last night, and because all day updates may keep me from feeling as hungry, I'm following her lead and I'll be updating all day.

0645 - Wake up, stare at clock, try to go back to sleep for a bit. Poke Jakobe to start him waking up.

0745 - At the clinic, it's waaay emptier than usual, just the tail end of morning clinic. Nothing for me to do, just wait. After this we're headed back home to shower and make sure that we have no scents on us (It's a no deodorant day, yikes). I know I haven't mentioned this much lately, but I'm wondering if they ever decide not to do ICSI on the day of? Food for thought.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

'twas the night before retrieval...

And all through the house, every creature was hoping, even the mouse.
(okay, there better not be mice in my house...  the cat's supposed to take care of that - but what else easily rhymes with house?)

Today the Dr said it looks like I may have a couple on the left that make it.  In any case, here we are - the night before, and I'm excited, and nervous, and not absolutely sure what tomorrow has in store for us.

The trigger last night was not bad at all - it didn't sting like the lo-dose at all.  I woke Jakobe up to do his part - and well, he chickened out.  So once I was done, and I told him that I hardly even felt it, it didn't hurt, a completely incredulous look cam over his face and he told me " what are you talking about - it hurt me, and I'mm across the room holding onto the cat!"

Today went well.  I guess I should say that even with not responding that well, I can sooo feel my right ovary (it aches), and the ultrasound this morning graduated past minor discomfort into hurt territory, but not a lot.

First trip to the RE in the morning is at 7:45, then home for showers, and then pick up my best friend (Jakobe want's moral support while he's waiting, and then he wants to go have lunch with *his* best friend) and back to the clinic at 11 for the retrieval at noon.

In completely unrelated news - My uncle showed up to visit this weekend without warning, so now we've got a family potluck Saturday afternoon - as well the fact that I promised to take the individual and couple pictures for my youngest sister and her friends for their Prom!

Updated labs from Yesterday:

• Estrogen: 891
• Progesterone: 1.4
• LH: 5.3

And today:

• Follies:  Left 14, 13, 13, ???  I think  Right 3x >20 and a couple of small ones...
• Estrogen: 1150
• Beta: 69 (to make sure that I did the trigger right...  Guess I did.)
• Lining: 9.5

Rolling the dice

Saw the RE this morning - again I forgot to get all the details I wanted, but here's what I've got:

Lining: 7.5 (I must have been wrong Monday, or maybe he measured in a different place today.
Follicles: Right - 21,20,20,?? Left - 13,12,12,10,??

In any case, we're set to trigger tonight at 1 AM, as seeing as I only got about 3 and a half hours of sleep last night, I'm headed back to bed to put my head down, and read, and hopefully get sleepy and pass out for a bit.  I'd better remember to set an alarm.

Retrieval is at noon on Friday.  Wish us luck, and here we go!

(oh yeah, somehow we're supposed to get our freak on tonight...)

Day 9: letting go, and trusting

Jakobe and I talked for about an hour last night while we were lying in bed and holding on to one another.  It was good for us.  We talked about our options, and what we thought that we wanted to do...

When we started talking I was leaning pretty strongly toward converting to an IUI.  Jakobe thought we should either cancel outright, or we should go ahead.  At the end of our discussion, he felt like we should just keep going....  this isn't our last chance, and it might work.  We should take the risk, because IVF with a few eggs is probably still a better chance than we're going to have with IUI, and certainly a better chance than we've got on our own....  and another IVF is something we can do in a little while if it doesn't work.

Right now, I think, that I'm going to trust his judgement.  I know that I've done a fair amount of pushing him around during this whole process.  This one is his - I just can't make the choice in a rational manner without tearing my heart to bits.  He say's that it's his job to lighten my load, to make it easier, and I know that we need to carry it together.  I need to let him.

Once I started thinking this way, I was overcome with a feeling of peace.  I'm not happy with our circumstances, but at the same time, I'm in good hands.

Symptom wise - I stayed home from school today - too much emotion, and my tummy is starting to develop sharp pains.  That and I feel like a balloon.  I'm fat, bloated, and gassy.  If this doesn't work, I desperately need to make myself lose some weight, because I've almost gained back everything I lost after the wedding.

Today's Drug details (unchanged)

• 150 IU Follistim in the AM
• 225 IU Follistim in the PM + 20 units Lo-dose HCG

Today's Second Update

Talked to my nurse - the medication orders are the same as yesterday, and we talked a little bit about my options.  She suggested that we wait and see what's going on on Wednesday before we make a decision.  She also said that maybe next time I would respond to the stims an entirely different way.

It's hard to know exactly what I want to do.  I feel better after talking to the financial coordinator - if we cancel, it doesn't count as one of the tries on our 3 times plan, and we don't suddenly incur the responsibility for the monitoring that we've already done during this cycle, they'll call it a wash.  If we decide to convert to IUI, then everything after we decide to convert is our responsibility. It's still quite the outlay for medications if we're not going the IVF route, but it's not quite as bad as I feared.

I'm still not sure which way I'm leaning...But I'm pretty sure that we'll be waiting until Wednesday to make a decision.

I'm not sure that I'm going to school this week.  Tonight I'm supposed to be doing homework, but between the headache from stims, the headache from emotional upheaval, and the upheaval itself, I don't know how much I'll get done.

I've also got lab values for both Saturday and Today.  At least I can see what's not going on?

Saturday (day 6, day 4 of stims):

• Lining: 5mm
• Estrogen: 113
• Progesterone 1.3
• LH: 3.0
• Follicles: 13,12,11, rest too small to measure (at least 9)

Today (day 8, day 6 of stims):

• Lining: 10-11mm
• Estrogen: 360
• Progesterone: 1.3
• LH: 3.5
• Follicles: 15,15,13, rest too small to measure ( more than 7)

What now?

My appointment this morning did not go as hoped, in fact, it went way worse than I had hoped.  The RE has given us the option to cancel this cycle.  His phrasing was that if this was the only time we were going to do/attempt this, then he would probably cancel. but if we were going to/willing to try again, then he's probably go ahead.  To me it sounds like he doesn't have a lot of faith that it'll work this time. We're looking at only retrieving 3, which seems like a dismal number to me. 

So now We have to figure out what we want to do.  Do we:

• Keep going - hope that it works, and accept that if it does, we're pretty unlikely to be able to have any more children.  Also accept that it's probably not going to work, and that we're going to haev to do this again all too soon.
• Cancel, and accept that this time wasn't meant to be.
• See if we can convert to IUI - we've never done one, and I don't know what the implications would be if it worked - especially having pre-paid for the IVF.

I'm tired, and I have a headache, and my heart hurts, and I don't know what to do or which decision is the right one.

Why me? Why Us?  This is not fair, and I don't like our choices.  I want a do-over.

Weekend's Over

And it wasn't long enough. I'm struggling to find the time and motivation to keep up with things, specifically my homework. Everything else is going okay, and I started the prep work for our patio renovation, so the weekend wasn't a waste, and I did get outside in the sunshine, yay!

On the IVF front, just waiting to see what the ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow show. I'm a bit anxious, and entirely too tightly wound. I want so badly for this to work, but I just keep waiting for another shoe to drop.

On a final note, I probably need to stop blogging in bed, but it seems to be something I'm remembering to do right at the end of my day. In any case, time to say goodnight.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

day 6

Today was a busy day, and it started with an early trip to the RE, followed by support group, and then a massage. The massage was really helpful when it comes to the darned headache I've has all week.

Anyway, I was in the massage when the nurse called, so I got instructions but no lab values. Up my Follistim to 375 tonight, and then split it up to 150 at 7 am ans 225 at 7 pm. I guess I won't be slleping in anymore. At the ultrasound he saw 8 small follicles on the left, and then when we got to the right, it looked like it had gone to the races, ther were 3 small ones over there, and also 3 larger ones, measuring 13, 12, and 11. Now I guess we hope that the rest of them start to catch up? Also, my lining was apparenly good... 5mm type 1? I haven't taken the time to google the heck out of everything yet, so...

Other than that, Jakobe and I grabbed lunch, and then started (just barely) to tackle our patio project, I did a bit of laundry, and I re-read Clan Of The Cave Bear. I can't wait to finish re-reading the rest of them so I can justify buying the new one, but tomorrow, I'd better do homework, or I'm screwed.

Good Night Everyone!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Unreality

I can’t tell you why, but right now, none of this, the fertility treatments, the thought that in less than a month I could actually be pregnant seems real to me.  It feels more like a story that I’m telling myself.  It feels like I’m going to get to the end of the story and it’s just going to be over.  While I know what the actual goal of going through all of this is, I just can’t seem to wrap my head around the idea of it working, or of it being real.

I feel like I’m being positive, I’m planning for a positive outcome, and hoping for it – but I just can’t seem to really believe it.  And then I worry – that if don’t really believe, then it won’t happen.

With every step forward, I keep waiting for it to seem real now, and at each junction, I still feel like I’m going through the motions.  Would it be more real if some of the steps were harder to take?  If I were afraid of needles?  If my girly bits hadn’t always been on display to every passing doctor and nurse?  Will it get more real when my ovaries are swollen and uncomfortable?  When I have the retrieval?  At Transfer?  Beta?

I don’t know what to think.   I know that at the beginning of the week my eyebrow started twitching.  Whether or not I believe it, my body is feeling the stress.

Last night and today's Medication regimen was unchanged:

• 225 IU Follistim
• 20 units Low Dose HCG

Even I have something to say about PETA

Ms. Newkirk,

I am an animal lover.  I don’t always agree with the extremes of PETA’s positions on animals, but I definitely support the spaying and neutering of companion animals.  We all have a responsibility to reduce feral populations, and the number of pets that aren’t really loved and cared for.  Rith now it seems that PETA takes joy in choosing extreme positions in order to raise awareness, and to cause controversy and conversation.  This latest stunt/campaign that includes the giveaway of a vasectomy in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week is repulsive and insulting.  I am aware that I am participating in the conversation that you wanted to spark, and honestly – I have no problem with the win a vasectomy campaign in and of itself – if you want to make a statement about human overpopulation, that’s your right.  BUT, and this is a big but, claiming that the giveaway is in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week is wrong.

Infertility is something that affects a large part of the human race, and interferes with one of our most basic biological drives.  I can remember, not too long ago, sitting through a college course on the history and future of the human race, and hearing over and over again, that as an organism we are only successful if we procreate, and our children survive to procreate as well.  This is a large part of how nature designed us.  It is not wrong to want to have a child, or children.  It is wrong to try and make your point at the expense of a class of people who are hurting, and doubly wrong to do it at a time that they are trying to raise awareness for themselves.

Your organization is not the first to make the claim that we have a moral imperative to not increase the human population of the earth.  It is also not the first to place the responsibility for that squarely at the feet of those who have had much of that choice taken away from them.  Infertile couples will not be participating in your contest – they don’t need the prize.  Choosing to refrain from having children because of moral or social beliefs is not the responsibility of the infertile community – infertiles who made that choice probably don’t know or care that they are infertile, so it doesn’t bother them.  The majority of infertile couples choose (or are able to) have only one or two children, a birth rate that favors population reduction, as that rate does not tend to replace themselves into the next generation.  As for the rest of us – I ask this question:  Did your members refrain from having children; did they spay or neuter themselves?  Or do the majority of them have children and families of their own, and are instead trying to push their social responsibilities off on those who just want something that they themselves take for granted?

Senja C. Yakovleff

And so it begins

With me setting aside my clothes before I went to bed, because I was sure I was going to forget stuff in the morning.

With getting up very early, and not eating breakfast, and just trying to get out the door, but making sure that I downloaded Adam Smith's Wealth of Nations to Jakobe's kindle so that I could read my homework in the RE's waiting room.

With getting my blood drawn, not where I requested, but it worked, so I don't have to care.

With the absolute fastest ultrasound examination I have ever had in my life!  I described it to Jakobe as getting Wham-bam-dildo-cam'd and he asked me not to post that here (a request that I am blatantly ignoring - although I do love you honey) because it gave him a crude mental image.  I was surprised by how fast it was, but also because trying to see my right ovary hurt.  I shouldn't have been surprised, that's where I always hurt.... but I was anyway.

With good Labs:  Estrogen already coming up at 61.5, Progesterone staying where it should at 1.1, and my LH still coming in at a happy number of 4.4.

Relevant info from the Ultrasound (going off of what I heard the Dr. say):  Lining looks good, about where it should be 3x3? 5 follies on the left ovary, and 6 on the right.  I guess I can stop worrying about not having had regular flow...  It's probably not going to happen at this point.  Hopefully the stims will stop the spotting so that I can get back to enjoying Jakobe while we still have the chance.

Medication Instructions:

• 225 IU of Follistim
• 20 Unit of LoDose HCG

And Pooey - No migraine medication.  I'm allowed Tylenol, and only Tylenol.

Giveaway and Anxiety

So - I would have to rate my stress levels as through the roof.  I haven't been able to concentrate on school, I've had this damn headache, and my eyebrow/eyelid is twitching...  Grr.  Oh, and AF - still MIA.  I'm beginning to think that I'm going to skip that part entirely...  and I'm not sure that's a good thing.  In any case, I have to get up and out of here by 6:15 tomorrow morning, so I'm going to keep it short.  I'll update all of you tomorrow when I get my actual instructions and I know what my stims are supposed to be.  Tonight I'm just going to try and sleep.

I didn't forget my giveaway, entries start tomorrow.  It's easy, just leave a comment for me any time from tomorrow through my beta(s) it will be one entry.  I'll choose a winner at random, and you will get the pile of loot pictured here:  (It's an apple cinnamon reed difuser, ceramic measuring cups shaped like vegetables and a orange chocolate bar of soap - it's random, but it's cute and things that make me feel good, so I thought I'd share...)

PS. If I were feeling better I'd be doing my happy dance because my copy of Adobe CS5 design standard arrived today.  I am so Excited!

The technical beginning

According to my RE's reckoning, today was CD1. So I guess we have begun. AF on the other hand, hasn't begun, just more of the infernal spotting. I am going to bed early, having failed to write 2 of the three papers I needed to write tonight due to a terrible headache and a house full of people. Now, I'm just hanging out in my bed with my cat.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

The Fish and the Egg

I went out to my sister's house today, because we were going to look at and possibly buy a recliner for my dad that I found on craigslist in her town.  He has really needed one, and the furniture in his apartment is undersized for him, uncomfortable, and just not right.  Turns out that the recliner we found for him was just perfect, so we bought it, and then took it to his house as an early birthday present.  And then - we couldn't get in because my sister didn't have her key, and he was gone to Montana for the day to go on a date (Go Dad!!!)  Sis called him up when he got home and they brought it up for him.  He loves it.

Also - today I got to explain IVF to my nephew - after my sister told me "He knows about the egg and the fish."  Mostly because this was the second time in the past couple of weeks that he asked me if I wanted a baby.  I said yes, and then he asked how people get babies.  So the discussion involved how people only usually have one egg at a time, but I was going to the doctor so that I could make lots of eggs (Nephew: "there was this dog, and it had lots of babies, so it had lots off eggs." Me: "Kinda like that, but I'm not going to have lots of babies, only one or two.")  And then how the doctor was going to take all the eggs out of my tummy with a needle, and then put Jakobe's fish in the egg with another smaller needle, and then watch to see which ones grow the best, and then put only two of them back.  I don't know that he'll remember the conversation, but it was interesting to try and explain.  And I can just imagine the mental imagery.


{Begin bitch session}

My cousin is pregnant again.  The one who has 3 girls, and whose husband didn't want any more kids because they're walking a financial tightrope as it is.  The one who just has to look at him funny and gets knocked up.  The one who told my sister she should just have another one now so that they could be pregnant together.  Yeah.  It makes me so angry, and sad, and jealous.  I am not rational about this.  But even my sister, her best friend, thinks that this was not probably the best move she could have made - and she did it on purpose.

Enough whining and bitching on my part.  I think.

Anyway - still waiting for maintenance to start, still spotting, still cramping, and still not getting to have sex with Jakobe.  Grr.  (Shit, I forgot I was done whining.)  So there's no further movement on the IVF front.  Just more hurry-up-and-wait.  My new schedule at work starts tomorrow, so I don't have to be there until 8:30.  It's going to be a bit strange going to work that late, but it's better than using up more of my non-existant sick time (I've been sick a lot this year).

Excitement all around!

First bit of news.  Foxy got her BFP!  I am so excited her her and her husband, and I just couldn't help but share.  Go say hi, and congratulations - She adores comments.  In the meanwhile, I'm having a little party right here on my blog for her.  (See - it even has balloons!)

As for me - I had my blood work this morning (and our injection class, Where Jakobe made fun of my binder and told the nurse " you should have seen the one from the wedding!"  anyway.  Got the call this afternoon, and with an estrogen of less than 20 and a progesterone of 1.1, I am officially suppressed, and so I am good to go.   Last birth control pill tonight.  Maintenance (AF) sometime this weekend (Thank the gods, I think that if I had to deal with spotting any longer, I'd start to go crazy. I'd pull my hair out.).  So I guess this means that we're starting.

I am taking page out of Foxy's book, and I will be doing a cycle giveaway.  I haven't quite decided on what it will be, but I have an idea - besides, I've never done a giveaway so I think that it's about time.  If I find the perfect thing this weekend, then we're in luck.  I'm gong to start counting comments as entries on Wed, when I start stims.