16 January 2011


It's hard to know exactly how I'm feeling right now.  Jakobe was really upset earlier today.  he is worried about the amount of money we are going to be spending on IVF and I can't say that I blame him.  At the same time, I am very irritated with him for a couple of reasons.  One, that he didn't bring up his money concerns until now.  I feel a little bit blindsided.  And two, that he has left all the money matter in what he calls my capable hands, but he doesn't trust me to do it right and keep us from gettting into trouble.  It is a lot of money,and we are behond where I hoped to be at this point, ut at the same time I don't think that it is way beyond our means or that we'll be making a big mistake.

I just don't know.  I don't think I can wait much longer than we had planned and keep my sanity.  Infertility is already costing us so much on an emotional level that i don't want those costs to continue to add up and then pile the costs of actually trying on top of them.  Instead of feeling like this obstacle is bringing us closer together, I feel like it'S turning into a wedge.  I find myself thinking that Jakobe doesn't want to have sex anymore because it won't have a chance of resulting in pregnancy...  or that he's thinking that he's lucked out and found a way to give me the kids I want without having to have sex.  And I know these thing are not true...  but I think them sometimes anyway.

I want to be past this, I want to know if it worked or if it didn't,  I want to leave all of this uncertainty and longing and fear behind,  I want to go back to a world where we don't have to fight so hard for each scrap of happiness.


  1. So sorry you are going through this added stress. It is the opposite here - R thinks everything will be fine and I am the one stressing about the money. I hope that you can talk through it and come out of this with a stronger relationship. IF is incredibly stressful in SO many ways and can definitely put a strain on even the best of relationships. Thinking of you and hoping everything gets better for you soon!

  2. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. The financing IVF is stressful. I hope you both can find a way to make you both feel good about this.

  3. Oh, goodness, I am so sorry :( None of it is easy. It's scary as shit. We're all here for you, to listen and provide virtual shoulders upon which you can lean.


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