08 June 2010


I didn't have fun last night at game night, mostly because Jakobe was upset, and everything anyone did seemed to irritate him.  Every time something didn't go exactly how he planned he would clench his fists, his knuckes would turn white, and his jaw would clench.  I could tell that something was really wrong, but I couldn't tell f it was because he'd had a bad day, or if it was because of something I did or said.

It seemed like it was more likely to be me - because he reacted more strongly to me than to anyone else.  I thought that the biggest problem that he was having with the idea of IVF was the financial one. I was wrong.  I'm not sure I know anymore at all what he's thinking and feeling about this.  I know that my looking for grants yesterday that could help us pay for it if we decided to go that route made him upset and angry.  But - He didn't tell me any of this until after we went to bed last night, after I told him that i felt like I was next to a volcano that was ready to explode.   I came to bed, and he wouldn't look at me.  When I told him I loved him, he replied with "I know that." and nothing else.  So I turned off the light, curled up and started to try to sleep.  Then he reached out.  He told me how angry he was with me (and to be honest, he also told me he felt like he was being a little unreasonable).  I cried, again.  We're just not in the same place.

He's rethinking the idea of whether he actually wants to be a parent.  It feels like all or nothing.  I don't want to push him, or make him feel like I'm pushing him.  I want to give him time.  I know he needs time to figure out where he stands.  But - I thought that he wasn't sure that he wanted to go to this much effort.  I thought that what it really meant was we were waiting and he was processing, but in the end it would be a matter of him feeling like it was too much money, or too much hassle, and that his being afraid that he might resent the process would be weighed against my fear that I could never accept not trying.

What does this mean for us?  How do we bridge this gap?  They're important questions, and ones I don't have answers to.  I feel like a horrible person, because he's stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I'm the hard place.  I'm asking him to accept, and to compromise, because I don't think I can.  I know I'll do my damnedest if that's what it comes to - but I'm not ready to give up on my dreams, which I thought were our dreams, but may not have been.


  1. I'm so sorry that you two are going through such a difficult time with all of this. Are you getting any counseling? It sounds like a big communication problem and maybe that would help. It might help to have Dave do some sessions alone, to sort out his feelings, then some together so you can both express them.

    Hopefully he just needs a little more time with this to figure out how he feels. Sending lots of (((hugs))) your way!

  2. I've called to get us in to see a counselor. We have a list of 3 that we think might be okay, now I just have to call and check on timing. We've talked about him seeing someone on his own as well - but he feels like it's not okay to say something to a stranger that he's not willing to say to me. We'll see.

  3. Glad to hear that you guys are going to see a counselor. I can't imagine what it must like for you guys now. Sending you some hugs.

  4. I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. Unfortunately I have been through it as well and I know how it feels.

    I think your husband is still in shock from the latest news and he needs time to come to terms with it. Hopefully time and the counselling will see you both in a better place in the future.

    Thinking of you

  5. Its good that your husband was able to communicate with you, too bad he didn't do it right away. But, to both of your credits, this is REALLY hard stuff to deal with. Its so difficult to digest such a bombshell. I am happy that you are going to see a counselor, clearly you love each other very much and you can't have much without a solid foundation.

    Keep us posted, you are in my thoughts.

  6. This post sound very familiar Jenni. In different ways and with different words, My Lover, also expressed that he would just as easily choose to not have children. It was a really hard thing for me to hear, and I struggled with the right way to respond. He said that he felt like he didn't have a choice in the matter, that he knew I could never accept not having a family. All along I tried to say that it was an option that was on the table, but I knew in my heart that he really does want kids and a family. Its been a much longer process for him, but he says that now too. and I know he means it. (well, as much as I can know. At least I believe him now.) I really do think that the couples counseling helped a lot, although I never walked out of our sessions feeling any better. It was a long process of acceptance, that continues with every decision and option.

    just know that you are not alone.


Have an observation, comment, or advice? Please share, I need all the help I can get.

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