Mistaken

I didn't have fun last night at game night, mostly because Jakobe was upset, and everything anyone did seemed to irritate him.  Every time something didn't go exactly how he planned he would clench his fists, his knuckes would turn white, and his jaw would clench.  I could tell that something was really wrong, but I couldn't tell f it was because he'd had a bad day, or if it was because of something I did or said.

It seemed like it was more likely to be me - because he reacted more strongly to me than to anyone else.  I thought that the biggest problem that he was having with the idea of IVF was the financial one. I was wrong.  I'm not sure I know anymore at all what he's thinking and feeling about this.  I know that my looking for grants yesterday that could help us pay for it if we decided to go that route made him upset and angry.  But - He didn't tell me any of this until after we went to bed last night, after I told him that i felt like I was next to a volcano that was ready to explode.   I came to bed, and he wouldn't look at me.  When I told him I loved him, he replied with "I know that." and nothing else.  So I turned off the light, curled up and started to try to sleep.  Then he reached out.  He told me how angry he was with me (and to be honest, he also told me he felt like he was being a little unreasonable).  I cried, again.  We're just not in the same place.

He's rethinking the idea of whether he actually wants to be a parent.  It feels like all or nothing.  I don't want to push him, or make him feel like I'm pushing him.  I want to give him time.  I know he needs time to figure out where he stands.  But - I thought that he wasn't sure that he wanted to go to this much effort.  I thought that what it really meant was we were waiting and he was processing, but in the end it would be a matter of him feeling like it was too much money, or too much hassle, and that his being afraid that he might resent the process would be weighed against my fear that I could never accept not trying.

What does this mean for us?  How do we bridge this gap?  They're important questions, and ones I don't have answers to.  I feel like a horrible person, because he's stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I'm the hard place.  I'm asking him to accept, and to compromise, because I don't think I can.  I know I'll do my damnedest if that's what it comes to - but I'm not ready to give up on my dreams, which I thought were our dreams, but may not have been.