14 June 2010

A year and a day

It's a little bit of a stretch to call it a year and a day, but it seems right.  One year ago Jakobe and I were starting on this journey.  We had thrown out the pills and were waiting (not so patiently) for our honeymoon.  We'd been married for 5 months, and were splitting the difference between how long I wanted to wait to start trying for a family (not at all) and how long he wanted to wait (one year).  Part of me was hoping that my worries and fears about my ability to get pregnant were unfounded - and we'd have a honeymoon baby.  I was hoping that my endometriosis hadn't screwed things up, but I felt like I was prepared for it to take a while. That was my whole argument for moving up the timetable: It probably won't happen right away or easily, so even if we start early we probably won't be pregnant before the 1 year mark anyway.  I really wanted to prove myself wrong.

I was happy and excited.  The idea of us starting a family that was larger than the two of us make me very happy.  I was tired of waiting, and thought that even if it wasn't easy, it wouldn't be that hard.  I went out and got a short term disability policy at work, confident that it would pay for itself even it it took us a year to conceive.

What has followed is a year of ups and downs.  I spent months hoping that I was pregnant, eating carefully, not drinking for two weeks a month, taking pregnancy tests from about 10-11 DPO onward.  Jakobe says that I spent the last part of every cycle looking like someone had kicked my puppy as I came to grudgingly accept that I wasn't pregnant, yet again.

In the middle of all of this, Jakobe was diagnosed with Diabetes.  and not just type two, you need to watch what you eat diabetes, but Insulin-dependent, give yourself 4 or more shots a day, and watch what you eat diabetes.  The kind that comes with lots of risks: short term ones like low blood sugar, and ketoacidosis, and long term ones like heart disease, stroke, and losing the feeling in your extremities.  Saying all of that makes it sound terrible, but it wasn't that bad.  He got right on top of it, and has it so under control that his doctor is very pleased with him every time he sees us.  We deal with the lows as they come, and even those are usually few and far between (except this weekend - he was low a lot!).

Then, after the holidays, when I was considering a laparoscopy because uncontrolled endo sucks, I asked Jakobe to get a SA.  I thought that we should know that there wasn't anything on his end to deal with before using up the post-lap fertility boost.  And we got knocked down again.

In some ways, it's been easier for me since we found out.  I don't spend every month hoping that I might be pregnant (at least I don't seriously entertain the thought), so I don't test, and I don't worry about making sure that I don't have a drink or two, and I think I get the "Kicked puppy" look a little less often.  BUT - It's also been harder.  I feel responsible for making Jakobe feel like it's all his fault.  I don't feel that way, in fact to some extent, I feel like it's my fault for wanting kids too so much.

One year later, and we're back to waiting, and wondering if it's something that will happen for us, at some time in the future.


  1. Oh My goodness Jenni - I could have written half your post myself. I feel like a fool paying for my short term disability policy every month. I'm having a glass of champagne right now, even tho its week three. I used to be so happy and excited- you know, the way a lady should feel when she is trying to make a baby with the man she loves. I felt like a had a wonderful little secret - that my body might be incubating another life. Easier after the diagnosis, harder at the same time. I get it.

    The thing I still can't figure out is how to communicate to my lover is that I too am grieving over the loss of his biological child. Sometime I think that he thinks it is only 'his' loss. Its not. Its my loss as well.

  2. ps - I love your reply to my comment about code words. :)
    I heart you Jenni.


Have an observation, comment, or advice? Please share, I need all the help I can get.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Total Pageviews