27 January 2011

My Better Judgement

It's been one of those weeks.  And I have to admit that I did it to myself, because, you see, I was a week late.  I haven't been temping becasue we're not exactly trying while we wait to do IVF, just having sex whaen we feel like it, and I didn't need the added stress.  What I seem to forget is that even though I can guess when I ovulate pretty accurately (I weven told Jakobe that I didn't think that I'd be startign my period until the end of this week) that doesn't mean that some part of me isn't thinking:  I'm a week late.  What if I was wrong, and those weren't ovulation painns I was feeling.  What if I get to have one of those miracle pregnancies that happen  to peopel when they're "Not trying."  What if I take a pregnancy test.  I've got about a million of them, just sitting in the closet, collecting dust.  That wouldn't hurt, would it.  I mean I could be pregnant, right?  It's not completely impossible...

Except it is practically impossible, and it wasn't going to happen.  So, I thought about writing a blog post, asking if I should just take a pregnancy test, and get it out of my mind.  But then it felt like admitting that maybe, just maybe I could be pregnant, and if I said it aloud (or typed it) I'd be jinxing it, and then AF would come and I'd just have write again about how mistaken my hopes were.  Because, of course.  AF is on it's way.  I'm cramping, and spotting, and really starting to hurt. 

And I hurt emotionally too.  I feel like I am so far away from children actually being real.  I'm so scared of spending all of our money and ending up destitute (and childless to boot). 

So - I expect that I'll get up in the morning, and I'll take some pain medicine, and I'll head off to work, and I won't admit amy more than I've done right here, that yet again, I let myself hope, against my better judgement, and my better judgement knew what it was talking about.


  1. Jenni, I know exactly how it feels. Even though I don't ovulate, I would still find myself thinking "what if" when AF didn't arrive from months on end. Don't you just hate those mind games?

  2. Even though my tubes are blocked, and my cycles irregular, there was a time before IVF when I tested anyway. Just for scuz. Because of Hope. I'm so sorry, sweetie.

  3. I know this is a belated comment, but I saw that you posted on my husband's IF blog, and wanted you to know that I feel the exact same way Every Single Cycle. Our chances of pregnancy without IVF/ICSI are essentially nil (though, as far as we know, I have normal fertility) because of my husband's low count and low motility.

    I couldn't help but notice the improvement your husband's 2nd SA was over the first. Do you guys have any idea what might have caused the improvement? If we could improve the SA to the point where we could do IUI instead of IVF, well, I'm sure you know the price difference there. So I guess I'm just curious, if you don't mind sharing. Thanks, and hope you're feeling better now, especially since you're so close to your IVF date.


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