02 April 2010

Where we stand

We're still in the waiting period as far as trying goes, there won't be much going on until after Jakobe's urologist appointment.  Unfortunately, there isn't much going on in the bedroom either.  I don't know if it's because we spent so much time having sex with getting pregnant in mind, and now that's not part of the equation, so we just don't - because I don't feel like I can/should/need to force the issue.

Not having sex is less emotionally difficult for me now.  I think that it's because before I felt like not having sex was Jakobe being passive-aggressive about the timing of having kids (Yes, honey, I know that's not really true, but I did feel that way).  Now I don't feel like I'm being deprived of anything other than the sex itself.  I've known all along that it was more important to me than it was to him, but for a while it was pretty damn good.  I thought that diagnosing his diabetes and treating it made all of the difference in the world - and maybe it did.  Unfortunately, the SA results and his "swimmers that don't swim," have reversed the progress we made.

It's not fair.

But, life isn't fair, and I'm old enough to know better than to expect fairness.  You go with what you've got.  So I'm waiting out whatever issues that Jakobe has - hoping that they'll resolve themselves somehow.  I don't want to push, because I think that just makes things harder.

It seems like knowing that there's a problem on his side has cut our legs out from underneath us and is turning into a vicious cycle.  The longer it goes on, the more of a problem we have.  Feeling like there's no point to sex makes Jakobe not want to have sex, and when he does want to, it interferes then too.  Every time it happens, it makes it more likely to happen the next time.

Added to that, I don't know how to communicate my feelings to him.  He likes to tell me that the order of importance goes:  1) Making sure I'm Happy/Satisfied  2) Getting there himself.  Unfortunately, because the priority is not the same for me, he doesn't really get that #1 is dependent on #2.  Because sex is about connection/intimacy/love for me, and if it's not about both of us it feels incomplete. But - telling him that after we've tried to have sex seems cruel.

I feel like a failure.

1 comment:

  1. Repost By Me:

    Hi Jenni,
    There was something funky with the word verification thing for commenting on your blog, so I couldn't leave a comment. But I did want to say that I feel like I could have written your last post. I have the same problem with my husband and our sex life. At times I feel there is pressure on me to not put too much pressure on him and it all forms a vicious cycle. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone.



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