06 April 2010

Thoughts from Limbo

I'm more than willing to admit that I'm at the beginning of this journey, but it seems like it's one of the challenges that comes to be part of your personal definition either as an individual, or as a couple.  Infertility is seeping into all the different parts of our life, and coloring the way we look at and interact with the world.  

It's changing how I look at everyday things, how I interact with other people, mostly right now it's changing how much I interact with other people's kids.  I keep trying, but as much as I like them, and as much fun as it is, it hurts.  While driving to Easter breakfast at my aunt's house on Sunday, Jakobe and I chose a code phrase in case it got to be too much and one or the other of us just had to get out of there.  Thankfully, we didn't need it.  How long will we be able to keep that up? How long will I feel guilty about planning to go on vacation (which I know that we need) because we could be saving that money to pay for possible treatments?  How long will the pain of this keep us from the intimacy we were just starting to get on level ground with?  How much is too much?  How will we know when it's time to stop?  Haw will we be able to keep it from tearing us apart in the meanwhile?

There's a part of me that feels like I need to accept that it might never happen.  Even now, there's a part of me that feels like we shouldn't try too hard, because this is hurting us as individuals, and as a couple. At the same time, the idea of not trying is like looking out into a future that looks like I imagine Mars is: beautiful in its way, but empty at the same time.
That and just thinking about not trying makes me want to cry - So I'm sure we're not even close to there yet.  I just don't want to let this take over all of the good things we do have.

We still have 3 1/2 weeks before we see the urologist, and we can't expect him to have answers, just a new set of questions.


  1. I wish I could reach through this computer and give you a big hug. I understand so well. My hubby and I also have a code word! But he ends up using it more when I fly into a Clomid rage. Hang in there. ((HUGS))

  2. Oh my gosh, I need a code word. I can't believe that we haven't thought of that yet. I tend to panic more about the times when the girls separate into the kitchen and the baby discussions start. I feel so alone and trapped then.

  3. Probably the codeword Idea worked well for us because we were already used to the idea of a safeword. I saw that someone else had done it and it made perfect sense to apply it to family gatherings.


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