We're both scared. Infertility seemed to be tearing us apart, slowly. It was a threat to us and our marriage, and while it still is, I think that taking a step back and taking it out of the equation in our dealings with each other was the right choice. It gives him just a little bit more time to process things without my interference.
Monday, I felt like there was this huge chasm between us, and it was hard to even reach out and touch each other, hard to feel like we were a unit, and hard to see how things could get better.
It's hard to feel sexy when you're... (I'm struggling to find the right word to explain how I was feeling: Alone, separate, disappointed, worried, scared, unlovely, sad, unreasonable, tired, discouraged, hopeless) .. all twisted up inside. But somehow we managed, and it was
I wonder a bit if this is something that was built into humanity, a way to connect when all others seem to fail. You can't always make love alone work, but you can use sex and love together as spackle until the cracks start to heal.
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I think finding a connection, whichever way it works it's a good thing. It's important not to lose contact with your DH, and maybe after sex the conversation may come easier. Love, Fran
ReplyDeleteI like you Jenni. hehe. I like that you just laid it out, so honest and truthful. Sex is all about communication, if you ask me. Maybe not the intellectual kind, but a deep soulful powerful kind of communication. BTW, I LOVE sex. LOVE IT. and I'll shout it from the rooftops! (or better yet, the bed posts!) hehe.
ReplyDeleteSo it sounds like you are headed to a couples counselor? I hope it goes well. I was so worried about our relationship and insisted on seeing someone from the get-go. It helped for me a lot to know that we could talk about it, because he seemed so dis-connected at times when I was feeling so overwhelmed.
I love that you are finding a way to re-connect with your hubby, even if it's not verbal. It's so important to maintain that intimacy, even when the outside world (and even the tumultuous inside one) get in the way. I think the fact that you two are able to continue to have sex in the midst of all of the other stuff is a great sign about your connection. Good luck with the counselor, too!
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