I wasn't sure how I was going to write about this. A lot of it isn't my story to tell, it's Jakobe's but I'm not sure that he's ready to tell it yet. We've been to two counseling sessions now. The second one was Sunday. Every time we go I learn something about how Jakobe is feeling that I didn't really understand before. And - our counselor is willing and able to ask questions that I can't, either because I'm afraid that they'll hurt him, or because I'm afraid that the answers will hurt me.
The one that stands out this week was the question of if, divorced from the infertility, and divorced from what I want, he wanted children.
He couldn't answer the question.
I don't know how this makes me feel. Part of me feels like this is something I should have known, and part of me feels like this is something he should have told me. But, I think that sometimes he tells me what he thinks I want to hear. Sometimes I think I do the same to him.
He told me Sunday that he wished that we knew about this before we started dating. I don't know how to tell him that there's no part of me that wishes the same thing. I don't trust myself enough to think that I wouldn't have made one of the biggest mistakes of my life, and passed on the life I have with him. And that makes me feel like a horrible person. I know that he thinks that it just means that he would have had more time to deal with this - and that he wouldn't feel like he was letting me down because I would have known what we were getting in to. I guess that's one way to look at it. I can't look at it that way. I'm glad that we didn't know, because I'm glad every day that I gave him a chance, I'm glad every day that I fell in love with him, and I'm glad every day that he felt the same way. I am thankful every day that he loves me.
I don't know that I tell him that enough. I know that I'm the one who needs to talk, but at the same time, I'm the one who has a hard time talking. I'm an action person, I want to fix things, or deal with them. I want to make a plan and move on - and right now, that's not what Jakobe needs. He needs someone who can help him walk through the labyrinth of feelings and cultural values, someone who can help him avoid pitfalls and land mines, and come out whole on the other side. I'm trying to be that person, and when I suck at it, I'm hoping that waiting, and letting the counselor help us will make up for my lack.
Little Bumps in the Road
1 week ago