22 June 2010


I wasn't sure how I was going to write about this.  A lot of it isn't my story to tell, it's Jakobe's but I'm not sure that he's ready to tell it yet.  We've been to two counseling sessions now.  The second one was Sunday.  Every time we go I learn something about how Jakobe is feeling that I didn't really understand before.  And - our counselor is willing and able to ask questions that I can't, either because I'm afraid that they'll hurt him, or because I'm afraid that the answers will hurt me.

The one that stands out this week was the question of if, divorced from the infertility, and divorced from what I want, he wanted children.

He couldn't answer the question.

I don't know how this makes me feel.  Part of me feels like this is something I should have known, and part of me feels like this is something he should have told me.  But, I think that sometimes he tells me what he thinks I want to hear.  Sometimes I think I do the same to him.

He told me Sunday that he wished that we knew about this before we started dating.  I don't know how to tell him that there's no part of me that wishes the same thing.  I don't trust myself enough to think that I wouldn't have made one of the biggest mistakes of my life, and passed on the life I have with him.  And that makes me feel like a horrible person.  I know that he thinks that it just means that he would have had more time to deal with this - and that he wouldn't feel like he was letting me down because I would have known what we were getting in to.  I guess that's one way to look at it.  I can't look at it that way.  I'm glad that we didn't know, because I'm glad every day that I gave him a chance, I'm glad every day that I fell in love with him, and I'm glad every day that he felt the same way.  I am thankful every day that he loves me.

I don't know that I tell him that enough.  I know that I'm the one who needs to talk, but at the same time, I'm the one who has a hard time talking.  I'm an action person, I want to fix things, or deal with them.  I want to make a plan and move on - and right now, that's not what Jakobe needs.  He needs someone who can help him walk through the labyrinth of feelings and cultural values, someone who can help him avoid pitfalls and land mines, and come out whole on the other side.  I'm trying to be that person, and when I suck at it, I'm hoping that waiting, and letting the counselor help us will make up for my lack.


  1. Oh my gosh, I am ... without words... Your post could so easily be mine. except that you said the things that I can't bring myself to say.

    Oh Jenni, how I wish that I could sit with you and talk for hours.

  2. Jenni-
    What an AMAZING partner you are. Jakobe is very lucky to have you. At one of this most difficult times you are striving to support and understand the love of your life, I applaud you. You are clearly so respectful and committed to your marriage.
    At the same time, make sure that you do not deny your own feelings, which I do not think you are doing, BTW.
    IF is so difficult. It effects us all in a variety of ways. You were just hit with a bombshell and you need to adjust to the new landscape. I am like you, I want to deal with things head on, fix it, and move forward, there is no time to dwell. But this situation warrants patience, and I know you can do it.
    I know you said your hubs reads this blog so I am reluctant to express my thought, but do you think it may be easier for him to not respond to the question than admit to himself that he may be the reason you are struggling? I mean no disrespect to him, after all it is not his "fault". But, I know the thoughts I have had when I thought "it was my fault". That idea was so painful to me to think about. A wise friend asked me what I would do if the tables were turned, would I want to leave my hubs so he can procreate with another woman? No way!!! I love him and know that he doesn't want another woman.
    Sorry to go off here, but I am feeling for you.
    My thought and support are with you both.

  3. Jenni, I decided to see a counselor a few years ago and it was THE best thing I have ever done for myself. I hope that you guys can figure out some things with your counselor and get to that other side soon. Hugs....

  4. It's hard to do counceling, but it sounds to me that it is beneficial to both of you... I hope you will see the benefits soon! ICLW #25

  5. I love the photo...

    And DH and I struggle a lot knowing that he should have been diagnosed as a teenager and that we would have known before all of this. that we would have been prepared. it's hard. no, hard doesn't cover it. i really hope the counseling is helping. (hugs) you beautiful woman.

  6. Jenni,

    You are speaking for so many of us who can relate to your exact feelings and worries. The one hope all of us have is that in spite of IF our relationships w/ our spouses will be stronger...IF may steal many things from us but hopefully not the person we share this journey with. What I came to realize early on is that it is not anyone's fault regardless of who gets the diagnosis of "infertile." Going to counseling and bringing up uncomfortable issues speaks volumes about the love and commitment you both have to your relationship. I understand what you are going through completely and am here for you.

  7. I have so much respect for you right now. SO many couples let things get worse and worse until its irreparable. Kudos for realiseing you need more help, I hope that the counselling gets you both to a better place. Lots of love

  8. First of all, hugs. For both of you. Your post is one that makes me so proud to be part of this community of strong women. Jakobe is so lucky to have you in his life. The counselor will hopefully help you both clear up the messiness that infertility brings into our heads. I agree with you, regardless of the issues we've had, I would marry my husband all over again. Hold hands tonight. I will be thinking of you...

  9. What a beautiful post. I did know about our IF before marrying my hubby, in fact I knew before I kissed him for the first time. I decided to love him and take my chance on kids because I knew I didn't want kids without him to be their father.

    From what you have written and the love in the tone of what you have written I wonder if you had known if youwouldn't have made the deicsion you did anyway.

    Sounds to me like you have been an amazing partner and friend. Keep talking it will keep getting you through this.


Have an observation, comment, or advice? Please share, I need all the help I can get.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Total Pageviews