Good Advice

My sisters are all younger than I am, but that doesn't mean that I ignore them, especially when they're giving really excellent advice.  Meg had some for me on Saturday, and I'm trying (albeit unsuccessfully) to take it more to heart.

For a little bit of background, my sister Meg is here on infertility island with us - over at RPL Bay, and she's been here about a year longer than I have.  In truth it's as much observation on her part as it is advice, but Here's my best approximation.

She thinks that part of our struggle is because I'm so goal oriented, and if I want something I make a plan, and figure out the steps needed to get there.  In terms of TTC, this meant that when we actually started trying, I jumped in headfirst.  Non of that easy, we won't prevent for a while and we'll see what happens for me.  I started charting, and planning, and generally doing my damnedest to get knocked up as fast as possible.  Some of that was fear, because I knew that things were probably not going to be as easy as they might have been because of my endometriosis.  Part of that was expediency - the endo makes having periods miserable, and I was sure that being off the pill was going to suck, I'd actually had a year an a half of periods that *didn't* suck.

Now that I've filled you in on my attitude, and my excuses explanations, we can get to her advice/commentary. She thinks that part of the reason that Jakobe may feel threatened by the idea of kids (yep, he thinks that he might lose me to the child, and I wouldn't have time for him anymore) is because I've been so focused on having them.  That maybe I've made him feel a bit like a means to an end.  That I should back off, and give him space.  That maybe what we need is some time to try living just the way we are.  And she might be right.

But...

...I'm 30.
...I don't want to miss out because we waited too long.
...I need to know what we choose so that I can do the right thing by my body.
...I can't seem to make myself stop wanting.
...I don't know how to let go of goals/dreams easily.
...I want that piece of *us* to carry us in to the future.
...I want to see Jakobe and our child together, someday.
...I want to try.