The Night Before

I always have trouble sleeping the night before I take on a project, or do something brand new, or when I'm anticipating something.  Tonight is going to be one of those nights - tomorrow is my first appointment in our IVF cycle, so tonight - I'm going to sleep poorly.

I had a lot of comments about our meds and supplements.  Very little of what we're taking was doctor recommended, the prescription drugs, and the niacin (to help with poor cholesterol ratios...)  Other than that - it's all me - trying to control the uncontrollable.

I've been trying for an earlier bedtime, so now I'm going to go take my pile of pills, listen to my Circle+Bloom, and try to sleep.  Wish me luck, and I'll let you know what I know when I know it.
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Wordless Wednesday: Nightly Ritual

 

First Class, First Day, Last Quarter!

Today is the first day of the first class of my last quarter.  All I have to do is make it through this quarter and I'm done, I will officially have my degree in MIS, and have yet another piece in the puzzle when it comes to finding a newer, better paying job.  one where I can hopefully expand my horizons, or at least come closer to be able to live out my non-work dreams.

Now all I have to do is find the time to pull my professors aside and explain that I am undergoing medical treatments this quarter that may interfere with my attendance.  Timing isn't perfect for IVF, but I just couldn't make myself wait, I was slowly losing my mind.
 

Beads and Bitchiness

I think Jakobe deserves a medal, not just for putting up with me right now, but for the fact that somehow he managed to fall in love with me while I was on the pill.  I think that the only thing take saved me was the whole new love thing - which makes everyone happy and sappy, because let me tell you, the pill makes me the most crazy bitch on the planet.  I'm all over the place, and I have almost no control. 

It's like without the pill, sometimes I get a fairly mild bout of PMS - with the pill, I get full on, holy shit, did you see her head turn around, and there goes the split pea soup PMS.  

We're in the middle of it right now, and it's longer and more drawn out, because my body has been trying to have a period since Friday, and so I've been a nut-job since before then.  It's not even like we get much of a break, because Aunt Flo is going to keep yelling through the chain on the door until I'm allowed to let her in this weekend, and then - I only have a couple of days until I start stims.  May the gods help us.  

As a result, we spent most of the weekend apart doing our own separate things, somehow I can manage to be civil with other people, but Jakobe gets the brunt of the abuse.  So I went to my sister's on Saturday, and took my nephew out to be spoiled (ice cream).  I also told her that we would be finding out if the IVF worked right at the beginning of May, and that if it did, she's probably be hearing from me, and if it didn't I'd probably rather she didn't call to ask.  Seems kind of blunt, but I think I needed to be specific.

  

Sunday morning I want to a class on beginning lampwork bead-making.  I had an absolute blast, and I made several cool beads.  I thought I'd share them with you all.  I'm pretty damn sure that I'm hooked, and that I'm going to have to buy myself some supplies so that I can work on more beads.  This was an SCA based class, so I also reinforced some good info about which beads and types of beads would have been appropriate to my persona.  Now all I have to do is find out what's appropriate for Jakobe, oh, and buy some tools.

All of the beads that I made while in class

My one and only barrel bead, and with layered dots even!

Practicing dots more,  I wish that I had made more
 beads in this green color, I really really like it.

Photo Friday: The Money Shot!

Yep - Here is where all of our money went.  Okay, a drop in the bucket compared to the cost of the doctor's office, but still quite a bit of money.  I'm happy because the pharmacy initially told me that they ordered 9 cartridges of Follistim - and it looked like a 7 on the form from the RE's office to me, and when the meds actually arrived, there were only 7 - so that lowered the cost by quite a bit.  Only $2,200.12.

Anyway, here's the picture of everything unpacked from the box.

And the picture of everything that didn't need to go in the fridge with Jakobe's insulin all packed up into a shoe box so that I could put it in the closet.

So anyway, there you go. The only other thing I have to complain about is that apparently my body isn't cooperating.  It's grumpy with me right now and has gone all spotty and crampy.  Now though, I need to get to bed, so that I can get up earlyish to shower and shave before my massage tomorrow.  Yay! massage - any excuse for a massage is a good excuse.

Changing plans

Okay - not big changes, but little ones.  Mostly because the doctor's office called today, and they had to cancel the injection class tomorrow - the person who is supposed to teach it is sick.  So, now it's scheduled for next Tuesday, but I'm trying to move it to next Friday, because Jakobe said he would cancel his trip to go blow things up for the day so that he could go with me.  Isn't he sweet?

Other than that, things are pretty much proceeding according to schedule, which means that not much is going on around here, just waiting.  Meds arrive tomorrow - Coincidentally, so does new internet!  Yay!  We're looking forward to a much faster connection.

I went to our local support group meeting tonight, and it was good for me again, but at the same time, it was a little bit hard.  It was good for me in all the ways that it's usually good for me - no one else really gets it, and it's good to talk to people who do. And - I was able to ask some questions and see what other opinions were. Hard because right now I'm feeling hopeful, and trying to be hopeful, and there's not a lot of hope floating around the group right now.  At the same time, it is the place to go when your scared, frustrated, bitter, burnt out, and all of those other things that I think we all experience.  A group of infertile women is the right place to find hope beyond all reason, but it's also tempered with regret and disappointment.

Finally, I have to share something I've been playing with:  Turning a photograph of myself into a line drawing, and then coloring it in. I really think I like it - other than my double chin, which I suppose I could have faked my way out of, as it's a whole lot more pronounced in the line drawing than it was in the photograph, but I have to be honest, this is me, and I'm *not* thin, and I *do* have a bit of a double chin. I had a lot of fun, but at the same time, without the full version of Photoshop, some of the tasks that should have been pretty easy, we're very difficult, and didn't turn out as nice as they could have.  So now I have to decide - Try Elements+, or just wait and fork out for the whole thing?  Right now I can buy it at the student price... and that's probably worth it.
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Not at all Wordless Wednesday: Random Bits and Yellow Chicken Curry

Warning: this post contains some political commentary and opinions.  They're mine, and I feel the need to share.

While I'm waiting for my injection class and for my meds to arrive there are a couple of things that I feel like I should touch on:

• The one year anniversary of the Affordable Healthcare Act.  I know that because of my endometriosis I have been extremely careful for my entire adult life to never go without insurance so that I didn't run afoul of the pre-existing conditions clause.  This sometimes meant paying premiums that I couldn't afford, and that made it so that I couldn't afford to actually see the doctor when I needed to - because it had spent all of that money maintaining my insurance coverage.  Also - Check out Foxy's very eloquent post on the same subject.
• I found an excellent IVF resource for people who actually love to geek out on technical details:   http://www.ivf-worldwide.com/  check out the education center, and all of the information and surveys that they have done - I'm still wandering around the site after the better part of a week.
• The new law in South Dakota requiring women who want an abortion to wait 3 days, and to visit a "crisis pregnancy center" for a counseling session.  I'll be honest, I don't much like the idea of abortion, and I would like to see it "Safe, Legal, and Rare" but at the same time, I don't think that forcing women to go for a counseling session where the whole point is to pressure them into changing their minds is a good idea.  And I'm bothered by the idea that not only is there a desire to reduce access to contraception, thereby making abortions more likely, or at least condemning some women to a life of poverty, but there is also a desire to berate them after the fact, and reduce their choices then as well.  It's a slippery slope, and many of the same voices who appose abortion and contraception also oppose ART.  Where do they stop?

And on a final note, is the Yellow Chicken Curry - this is a fast and easy recipe, that can be made quickly on a weeknight, adn very easily falls into the comfort food category.  Maybe not your typical comfort food, but how do you go wrong with a thick creamy sauce and saffron rice?

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Yellow Chicken Curry:

Ingredients:

4 chicken thighs (or breasts - but I'm cheap)

Curry powder

1 onion

1/4 - 1/2 cup Golden raisins

Salt and Pepper to Taste

Mushrooms (optional)

Olive Oil

Sour Cream (16 oz)

Directions:

I sauteed the onions with a bit of olive oil and curry powder, and set them aside  Add salt to taste.  Jakobe doesn't like them, and I thought they'd make an attractive garnish.  

Chop and add the onion to your pan with a generous sprinkling of curry powder, and cook until soft, translucent, and an even yellow color.  Add raisins, and sautee just a bit longer.  Remove to a seperate dish.

Repeat the process with the chicken - you can slice it thinly, like I did here, cut it into chunks, or leave it whole, just remember to salt, pepper, and sprinkle generously with curry powder.  If you're using thighs, you can completely omit the olive oil for this step.  Cook the chicken until it's just done. (This time will vary depending on how large your pieces are.)

Add back the onions and raisins, and then add the sour cream.  Stir together and simmer on low until ready to serve.

Server with regular or Saffron Rice.

Super Simple Saffron Rice:

Ingredients:

1 1/2 cups brown rice

2 tablespoons olive or canola oil

2 cups chicken broth

a healthy pinch (or two) of saffron

2 cups hot water

Directions:

Add rice and oil to the pot and put on the burner on medium high.  Stirring occasionally, toast the rice until some of the grains are browned, and you get that toasty aroma from the pan.  Meanwhile combine the hot water and saffron and let them sit.  When the rice is toasted add the saffron water and broth, bring it to a boil, cover and reduce the heat to medium low.  Cook until the water is completely absorbed - about 45 minutes. 

Insurance Sucks!

 And Yeah, we knew that already.

Today has been spent fighting my way through prescription coverage hoops to try and get them to pay for anything - starting with my second pack of BCPs.

Last month, when I first filled my order for BCPs, they had a problem filling it, an told me that they thought that I might have difficulty when it came to filling the second one - because they're continuous and skipping the sugar pills.  So, last month, I called my insurance and was assured that there would be no problems, all the pharmacy had to do was call the phone number that popped up on their screen, and it would be approved.  Fast forward to yesterday, when it was denied for being refilled too soon.  I just paid cash, and said I'd deal with it today.  

This morning - I called my insurance, and had them figure out what the problem was, called the pharmacy and had them call the insurance, and finally got it all worked out - I can go pick up a refund on my way home tonight.

Then the Walgreen's specialty pharmacy called - Their system showed that my coverage was cancelled last month - and that I no longer had prescription coverage.  So again with the back and forth and calling the insurance (and Yes, I know that I don't have any coverage for fertility meds - but the pharmacy still wanted to try...) who said that I showed up that way because I didn't have fertility coverage - Not sure why they just didn't deny it.  Which in the end is what happened about half an hour later.  

So now - I'm waiting to see if I can get a paper scrip for my antibiotics (because if I take it to a local pharmacy, it should get covered) and my injectable meds have been ordered and should be delivered Friday.

Finally:  Welcome to everyone visiting from ICLW.  I'm happy to have you, and I'm looking forward to a great week.  As you can tell Jakobe and I are very very close to embarking on our first (and hopefully successful) IVF cycle.  We're excited, scared and all of those other emotions you care to imagine all rolled up into one.  This week will also include our injections class, and the delivery of our meds.  So look forward to the "Money Shot" on Friday or Saturday.

I have a Calendar!!!

That means that I can now post the tentative schedule for all of you.  I can also post the complete list of meds that I expect to be taking.

So, the schedule:

• Friday, 1 April - Labs - Last BCP
• Note: Expect Period
• Wednesday, 6 April - Ultrasound and Labs - Jakobe start Doxycycline
• Saturday, 9 April - Ultrasound and Labs 
• Monday, 11 April - Ultrasound and Labs (am I sensing a pattern here????)
• Wednesday, 13 April - Ultrasound and Labs (maybe I am)
• Friday, 15 April - Ultrasound and Labs - Possible Trigger.  
• Note: have intercourse with condom.  If I remember correctly a condom isn't very fun to have sex with - it's all wrinkly and squishy, and wet, and floppy - can I have intercourse with Jakobe instead? 
• 2nd Note: This day is an estimate, based on response it may be a day earlier or later.
• Saturday, 16 April - Ultrasound and Labs
• Note: No Medications
• Sunday 17 April - Possible Retrieval Day
• Note: Start PIO and Medrol
• Friday, 22 April - Possible day 5 Transfer
• Note: continue PIO until instructed to stop
• Saturday, 23 April - If no Day 5 Transfer - FREEZE ALL
• Note:  If freeze all, stop all medications.  Call with period
• Wednesday, 27 April - Labs
• Note: Checking Estrogen and Progesterone levels
• Sunday, 1 May - Labs
• Note:  PREGNANCY TEST!
• 2nd Note: If positive, repeat in 2 days.  Order progesterone refill.

General Notes:  

1. Remember that this calendar may change depending on your stimulation progress
2. If you haven't been called with medications instructions by 6pm, call the office

And now for the Medication List:

I don't have any amounts yet, just a list of which medications I will be taking.

• Ganirelix 3 pre-filled syringes (1 refill)
• Follistim Cartridges (7 with 1 refill and a pen)
• HCG 10,000 IU Vial - IM
• Low dose HCG 10iu/.1cc 1 (1 refill)
• Medrol
• Progesterone in Oil 50mg/ml (2 vials)

Total cost for Medications is currently estimated to be around $2,660.

News!

I actually have News....  It's amazing.  My nurse, Debbie, called me this afternoon because she noticed that we hadn't talked to the doctor since our appointment in June.  Apparently, a lot of changes happened around that time and she wanted to be sure that we understood what those changes meant.

The gist:

1. The doctor now only does Day 5 transfers.  
1. If nothing makes it to Day 5 - no transfer.
2. IF the blasts haven't expanded on day 5 and he wants to wait until day 6 - No transfer
3. I asked about what percentage of patients got to have a transfer on Day 5 - About 50%
2. They're now using vitrification.  This I knew, but it was nice to hear.

Also, things I learned.  I will be on an antagonist protocol with Follistim and Ganirelix.  This is the time when I want to jump up and down and say "Yay, no Lupron!!!"  Lupron and I have a storied past, and I still deal with a couple of side effects from when I was on it 10 years ago.  The pharmacy should be calling me within a couple of days to arrange to send me my drugs.  (She also made sure to remind me that they cost a couple of thousand dollars so I probably don't want them sitting on my porch in 31 degree weather)

She'll be mailing me my calendar either today or tomorrow so that I can have it before the injection class, and because I think she can tell that I'm one hell of an impatient bitch woman.  In any case.  Baby steps closer, but still closer.  I know when my first couple of appointments are going to be.

• 1 April - first blood draw and Ultrasound, also the day I should be stopping BCPs (this can't come soon enough, especially for Jakobe)
• 6 April - first check, this should also be the day that I start stims, assuming everything else goes according to plan.

It's good to have an idea where I'm headed.  I suppose now I have to talk to work again (I'm thinking next week) because I still don't know if they're going to be doing something with my schedule or not.  Good going work.

I tried to tell Jakobe what was going on, and to get him to evidence at least some of the excitement that I feel (and that he so easily expresses about star wars books, and WoW, and just about anything that doesn't involve me - sorry, crabby bitchy moment there - I'm irritated because he told me he was too tired to process what I was trying to tell him, but at the same time, he's now totally involved and gung ho about playing WoW with his friends.  Cue approach of hormonal tears, that will not be shed.)

In any case.  I'm excited to be moving forward.  I just wish that I felt like Jakobe cared.

Quick Notes:  Today was the last day of the quarter, so now I'm officially on spring break.  This is an awesome thing, and may actually mean that I get to spend more time at the gym - which we have actually been going to.

I'll post the calendar when it comes in (I may even scan it in to share).

Mommy-in-waiting and Definitely-TTC got their BFP!  I am so excited and happy for them, and I have to say that her positivity these past couple of months has really been an inspiration.

Facelift

Not for me - but for my blog, I've been working on images for a couple of days, and I have to admit - I think I like how it turned out.  But one of my best discoveries:  the Tornado shape in Photoshop Elements looks a lot like sperm when you stretch it out.


Other than that - not much going on here.  Getting ready to finish off the programming project for this quarter, looking forward to spring break, and oh so happy that I have only two classes (one quarter) left until I actually DONE with school.


Something I had to share:

One blog post I read this week that made total sense to me, and was so spot on - it perfectly encapsulates how I feel about it, and does it in a very respectful way.  one thing she says is "...that adoption is not "second best," but it is linked to grief - and that is ok."  So, if you've never read anything by Hillary at Making Me Mom, I suggest that you at least pop over and read this.

14 Days until class

Not too much going on here.  I'm waiting to receive my calendar and prescriptions in the mail - and they haven't come yet.  The only step I've taking in the IVF process so far is that We've scheduled our Injection Class - it seems that they want the class as close as possible to when injections start so that there aren't any questions...So, Our class in on Friday the 25th.  Getting closer every day.

BCPs and life are still making me tired, hormonal and cranky.  I feel for Jakobe, but at the same time, I can't seem to help myself, So it is what it is.

On a fun note, one of my best friends came over tonight and we planned a renovation for my patio.  Believe me, if you could see it right now, it's gross - and not only because it's yucky end of winter, the snow just melted again for a day or two and there's dog poop everywhere...  it's yuckier than that.

So without further Ado...  Here's the new patio plan:

The two hashed areas are where we will be digging out awful weed-beds and replacing them with poured concrete - to give us a better seating area, and to make it more inviting and less awkward.  Now we'll just see if I actually get it done - If I do - I'll be sure to post before and after pictures...

Time for a change?

Just wondering - Is it time for me to consider a blog redesign/overhaul.  I've tried changing things up in my life recently - I dyed my hair.  Okay - I admit to being risk averse, and only using semi-permanent dye, but still..I did something.

What?  I should have tried dying my hair green?  It *is* my favorite color.

Anyway - A blog overhaul would be a great opportunity for me to play in Photoshop for a bit, and I certainly enjoy that.  Besides, for the next couple of weeks, I have some time.  I took my first final of the quarter tonight, and then I have only one next week, and then it's spring break!  Yay - more time to get totally crazy and maybe go to bed at 11:30 9:15.

Jakobe would probably like it too, since according to him I'm unpredictable and hormonal.

Sisters

Note:  I have 3 sisters, but one of them is significantly younger.  This post doesn't deal with her - and may read like there are only the three of us older girls.  This is more because the relationships between us older girls are very different that the relationship that any of us have with the youngest than because I was deliberately trying to leave her out.

Last night was a family birthday party, and it started off great...mostly.  But my sister's have a bit of a problem - they can only talk about serious emotional stuff when they're kind of drunk.  As there have been a lot of things recently that are very very emotionally difficult - so, that's what happened after pretty much everyone went home.

Is it appropriate for me to say that I hate it when that happens.  For whatever reason, although I can be reluctant to talk about stuff (we're all much more likely to shove it down and deal with the fallout later - or just not talk about it) I can talk about it, and trying to have a serious emotional conversation with someone who is drunk is very very difficult - and they don't listen - so in the long run, I'm not sure that it helps them.  It does help us to realize how much help they need.  It was uncomfortable and unhappy and I found myself yelling at one of my sisters, just trying to be heard - because she was blaming herself for things that she could not have predicted, and/or had no control over.

On a related subject- beyond that, we're all basically infertile.  The difference is that one of my sisters (Nicole) has a child - and he wasn't intended.  Until the other two of us started trying to have kids, she was happy with her one son - and really still is.  She would like to have another one, around the same age as our kids, if we have kids.  To that end - she apparently stopped preventing pregnancy a year ago. (She and her husband never prevented before my nephew was born, and he's almost 7, but those five years it was pretty much because she was a dumb teenager, not because she was trying.)  I don't know why she stopped preventing when we found out that we couldn't - Maybe because my other sister (Meg) was still trying.

part of me gets stuck there.  What if she had gotten pregnant in this last year?  What if while the other two of us were struggling with our private griefs she had gotten pregnant.  We obviously would have been very happy for her, but at the same time, I think part of me would have been devastated.  I have been very lucky throughout our infertility.  Most of our friends are past the having children part of their lives, and most of my family hasn't started yet - and we had a grace period (it's just now ending).

In any case, both because Nicole has a child, and because it doesn't seem like she cares that much if she has another one, it seems like she doesn't really understand.  I know that I can't understand exactly what Meg and her husband have gone through - recurrent loss is different that being unable to get pregnant at all, but I think I'm closer to understanding than Nicole is.

So, after all of the other emotional crap of the evening, Nicole started giving Meg advice, how if money is an issue, they should just pursue foster-adopt.  I jumped in there a little bit, because I know that my biggest problem with foster-adopt isn't that it's a bad idea - just that I don't think I could handle having a child placed with me, and then losing that child.  That foster-adopt carries really big emotional risks.  And when I told Nicole that - she just said to Meg, you could handle it, if you really want kids.

Dammit - the question isn't whether you *can* handle something.  It's whether you choose to put yourself in that situation to get that hurt. It's whether you should *have* to.

Nicole also won't accept that either Meg or I may choose to not have kids.  Yes, it's what we want, but at some point, I think, the pain of trying outweighs the joy of possibilities.  She specifically said that she was worrying about us not "following-through" and in my case she didn't mean not doing IVF - because she knows we're going ahead with that, but more that we might not keep trying  until it works if it doesn't work.  I don't all that not following through, I call that knowing my limits, and accepting that something wasn't meant to be.  I call that knowing that I can't tolerate trying for 10 more years, using all of our savings trying, not having a life, and still failing, over and over again.  At some point, if it doesn't work - I have to let go.

I don't think that she sees that at some point not trying anymore is better and healthier that beating our heads against a brick wall.  Just don't tell me I'm not following through - there are no guarantees, and I not going to make myself keep trying long after I feel like it just hurts to damn much.  I don't know where that line is - but I'm pretty sure that it's out there somewhere.

Out of place

This may sound strange, but I'm worried and feeling out of place with my support group.  The group here, has 2 meetings a month - one for those trying for their first, and one for after infertility/Secondary infertility/general infertility.  I try to go to both meetings every month because I've found that they really help me.

Here's my dilemma:  I feel a little bit strange about the primary infertility group right now.  Mostly because it seems like everyone else is in a holding pattern.  Admittedly - I was in a holding pattern too for the last several months - but now I'm actively doing something.  I want the support while I'm going through the process (especially because I'm vacillating between hope and cynicism.)  but at the same time, I don't want them to feel worse because I'm actually doing something right now.  I'm not sure that even makes sense...  Anyway, I care about all of those women, and I don't want to make anything harder for them.  at the same time, I really want to share - because I know that others are looking at going through something similar.

How do I walk along the fine line of getting enough support for myself, while making sure that I'm supporting and not hurting the other members of the group?  This month isn't so bad...  it's still all anticipation - the only thing I will have to show for myself is the birth control pill.  Next month tho:  the primary meeting will be in the middle of stims - or right about retrieval, and the other meeting during the 2WW.

Thinking about it - that's probably the best setup.  But it also means that the first meeting after my beta will be with the primary infertility group.

In other news:  Still tired.  Waiting impatiently for my calendar and prescriptions so that I can get all of that taken care of.  Been to the gym both days this weekend...  and trying to eat better.  (eating better is being sabotaged by my love affair with hollandaise sauce - it's definitely food of the gods, and having learned to make it from scratch, it's even better) but I'll be leaving you with a picture of yumminess that isn't the evil sauce.

Strawberries tossed with a touch of agave nectar.

Dragging

Foxy isn't the only one to be experiencing some fatigue.  I don't know whether it's the BCP or if it's weaning myself off of my "Happy Pills" but I'm so tired.  So tired that it makes me afraid of what might happen to my energy level throughout the rest of this process.  I admit that part of it probably has to do with just getting over being sick... but still.  Where did my energy and enthusiasm go?

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Wordless Wednesday: Moustache March

Some of the guys at work dubbed this Moustache March.  I may not be able to grow one - but I can certainly Photoshop one.

News I forgot to mention

Jakobe's Karyotyping came back normal - so that is not a discussion we needed to have in an emergency manner this week.  I'm so glad, because that really could have changed his willingness to do IVF.  He didn't want to pass on anything to our children.

Catch-up

I finally got caught up on blog things that I wanted to take care of.

I updated the Money page, it now reflects our current spending, including the payment we made on Monday, and the new prices at the RE.

I caught up on all of my RSS feeds in Google Reader - I was seriously behind again.  So if I'm a follower of yours, I've read your posts, even if I didn't comment. Somehow I seem to get to where I have about 200 posts to read, and then finding the time to read all of them gets a bit difficult, especially with me being sick, and trying something new for ICLW.

Speaking of - I'm actually did well with ICLW this month - I tried something new...I'm reading every blog in order, from the beginning, and commenting on them.  I'm not going to make it to the end, in fact, I will probably obnly make it to 70 or 80 different blogs this month, but it's way better than I have in the past.  In addition, I'm commenting on all of them.  Exercising my comment muscle.  Of course - I did neglect my homework.

I'm trying to write more posts, and I know that it'll work well for a while, especially because I'm feeling obsessive at the moment, and I need a place to let it all out.  That, and I apparently have a lot to say while I'm hopped up on pain meds.