Little Swimmers

Nope - not what you're thinking.  This is me venting at all of you - just a little bit.  Jakobe and I got an e-mail from his mother the other morning, that just had to have it's own post, because it's that special.  (Note: when we told them about our infertility, we specifically asked that they support us, but that we were dealing with it in our own way, and that advice, recommendations, etc. are not what we want - We have Doctor's for that,  so please don't.)

In any case - this is what was waiting in our email in-boxes this morning:

Hi,

One of my little swimmers, Ava, is just turning 3 years old.  Her mom is looking to get pregs again and tells me that Ava was conceived IVO because hubby is a diabetic and took an ACE inhibitor to "protect" his kidneys.  He thus developed fertility issues.  Almost All of their fertility costs have been paid by that pharmaceutical company.  They said that the State of Hawaii insisted the manufacturer paid.  She is trying to find out if the same laws are on the books here in Washington -- however, they are applying to the manufacturer again for the costs of baby #2. 

Since I had not heard of this before, I thought to share her info as it might be a source of funding for you too.

love,

MOM

I just don't know what to do with this.  Her heart is in the right place, but at the same time, I'm worried that it's the beginning of the deluge.  She's not very good at respecting boundaries.

100

It's hard to believe, especially since July has been a slow month for me around here, but this is my 100th post (and 101 is right around the corner, already started, but I couldn't waste #100 on bitching.)  Nope - no contests from me yet...  unless you all want me to give away a copy of the baby books I bought and obviously don't need.   :-)  Honestly, I have yet to find something that feels like the right thing to giveaway. Someday.

100 things about me:

1. I love food (no surprise)
2. I used to be vegan (for about 2 years)
3. I'm the oldest of four, all girls
4. I can wire an outlet.
5. I can change a radiator, and an alternator, and a thermostat.
6. I will never replace a heater core in a car again by myself.
7. I can load and unload my canoe from the top of my car, by myself.
8. I'm a geek.  (and I'm one of those people who differentiates between geek and nerds, my vote - geeks have social skills)
9. I played Dungeons and Dragons as a teen, and as an adult. (still do - from time to time)
10. I regularly dream about my teeth falling out.
11. I've started writing 2 novels, but never finished one.  Farthest I've gotten is about 50 pages.
12. I sometimes miss vegetables.
13. I was a mannequin model, once.
14. I've had 3 laparoscopies.
15. I was diagnosed with endometriosis at age 20
16. I have lived in four states: Minnesota, California, Idaho, and Washington
17. My real name is so unique that I'm the only one - in the US for sure. (first and last together)
18. I was a smoker from age 12 to 18, and again from 20-23.  (Stupid, stupid, stupid)
19. I like scotch - preferrably smokey peaty scotch that's old enough to drink itself.
20. oh - and Vodka Martinis (bone dry, slightly dirty, and an extra olive)
21. I have never gone to a casino (I may have walked through the one on the cruise ship during my honeymoon)
22. I've been all over the western US (but my mom made us drive around Texas - so.)
23. I have never been to Disneyland (or Disneyworld)
24. I only absolutely hate one food, cooked green peas.  I like fresh peas, I'm okay with thawed peas, but the cooked ones - I'll pick them out, or swallow them whole without chewing, like nasty little pills.
25. I have sorted cows, from horseback - on a horse that was afraid of cows.
26. I shot my horse.
27. I can remember off the top of my head the formula to convert Celsius to Fahrenheit (and I have no real need for it)
28. My favorite color is dark green, but it used to be bright red.
29. I started school when I was 4 - thus graduating from high school at 17.
30. I started college at 16 - and I'm still not done.
31. I pull a 4.0 GPA while working full time - and while feeling like a terrible student for not studying.
32. I am 5'11"
33. I have 15 years of experience in my field - and I'm 30.
34. My first job was an HTML intern.
35. If I've never tried it, it's almost always on the list of things I want to eat.
36. I grew up thinking that I was going to have to have surgery and wear a brace when I was about 16 - I was born with bad scoliosis - and half of my chest was concave.  The scoliosis got a lot better - and my chest is still concave, but it's a lot less noticeable now than it was when it was about an inch deep on a newborn.
37. I have never worked in fast food.
38. I've never been outside of the US and Canada.
39. I've done triathlons (4 sprints and an Olympic distance. Someday I'd like to do a half-iron, or an Ironman)
40. I learned how to give all the sex talks I ever want to have to give by being the go-to person for my youngest sister's questions.  (She's now 16)
41. I was in my late 20's before I figured out how to dress, and look good.  I still make sure to buy mix-and-match clothes so that I don't screw up.
42. I buy cute shoes - and then I almost never wear them.  
43. I ate two pints of blueberries and a nectarine today.
44. For a while, my family thought I was gay - no boyfriends, and the occasional hickey from a girl will do that.  I knew what I was: 80% straight, 20% whatever.
45. I'm a mishmash of ethnicities - but nearly half Scandinavian.  Parts of my family tree have been in the US less than 100 years - Other parts were here before the Mayflower.
46. I tried to commit suicide as a teenager - I failed, and I'm glad.  Less than a year later, a close family member died and I got a much better picture of what death does to those left behind.  Cured me of that impulse forever.
47. I still have one baby tooth - there just isn't an adult tooth to go with it.
48. My old boss told me I was the most logical person he'd ever met.  He meant it as a compliment - but sometimes I'm not so sure.
49. My biggest food failure: Tempeh stew.  It was awful, the only food experiment I had to throw out for being inedible.
50. I can touch my nose with my tongue.
51. I have $10,000 worth of books in my home library, but of course they're not worth that now.
52. I participate in the Society for Creative Anachronism.  I've been playing (sometimes more/sometimes less) for about 10 years.
53. I can spin wool, weave, and sew by hand.
54. I know how to make a bodice that could put cleavage on a 10 year old boy.
55. I don't have a favorite food, it changes all the time.
56. I'm irritated that I have now missed Wordless Wednesday - because I'm still struggling to finish this list.
57. I always sleep with a blanket.
58. I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue.
59. I lettered in high school, in Academics and Writers Guild.  Yep - I was a real sports fiend.
60. My dad taught me the basics of driving a car when I was 11.  It was a stick shift, and once I started going, I accomplished all maneuvers at 35 mph.  It was the first and last driving lesson for a while.
61. I burned water once. (okay - maybe more than once)
62. I once had my email subpoena'd by the SEC - and I'd previously deleted it.  Oops.
63. I have attended 4 different colleges.
64. I made vegan cheesecake (yep - that's an oxymoron) - and non vegetarians liked it!
65. I prefer weather that's not too cold, and not too hot.  Just about everything from 60 -78 degrees is about perfect.
66. When I was younger I wanted to breed traditional Siamese cats.  They're waaaay cuter than the modern variety.
67. I took a diaper-up ride in a concrete flume  as a toddler - scared the life out of my parents.
68. I once stole borrowed my dad's car to go visit my boyfriend in the middle of the night - and then turned down the shrooms cause I had to drive home.
69. The only illegal drug I've ever done is pot.
70. I listen to NPR in the car instead of music.
71. I love to sing - and I'm not half bad.
72. The ability to cook anything is the greatest gift my mom gave me.
73. I have been the officiant at two weddings.
74. If I think about typing then I can't touch type.  The rest of the time I"m pretty okay at it.
75. one of my earliest memories is climbing a "mountain" with my dad.  It probably wasn't that big, but when we got to the top, I sat on a rock...and it was on top of some sort of anthill, so it was memorable.
76. I convinced my little sisters that you could make ramen with sand instead of water - and then eat it.
77. I sold Tupperware when I was 16.
78. I don't wear underwear, they're really uncomfortable.
79. My first college major was Music Theory and Education.
80. I broke my ankle wrestling with my ex-boyfriend's fiance.  We were a little drunk, and in a good mood, and the guys were all wrestling, so we thought we'd give it a try.
81. I can move my eyes independently from one another.
82. I no longer desire anyone but my husband - it's really unnerving sometimes.
83. I have successfully made food people liked out of potted meat.
84. Everyone spent my entire childhood trying to "fatten me up" and eventually it worked.  How I hate that now.
85. Right now I spend more time watching TV than reading, it's not as good for me, but it's a heck of a lot easier to pause TV than it is for me to stop reading a book.
86. My internal dialogue is way more negative than I let anyone know.
87. I hate public speaking, and performing.  I get terribly nervous and I get the shakes.  Every Time.  But I just keep doing it - and most of the time, I guess, I'm pretty good at it.  It still scares the shit out of me.
88. The first thing I used to think about when kissing people was whether or not they brushed their teeth.  I kind of have a thing about teeth.
89. I had a 6 month course of Lupron when I was 21 - I am not looking forward to menopause a second time, it was bad enough the first one.  But - I did get to tease my mother about it and give her advice.  Talk about role reversals.
90. I tried to write a diary several different times in my life - I never could keep going for more than a week or two.  This blog, and the people reading it have changed that.
91. My boyfriend cheated on me with Jakobe's(DH) girlfriend - eight years before we met.
92. I have the worst luck when it comes to cars.  My first car got stolen, My second one broke down 6 hours after I bought it - and that's not the record, because the 4th one broke down on the way home, less than 20 minutes after I bought it.  The third one was awesome, but I totaled it - and owed more than it was worth. The one I have now has had more work done than the initial purchase price - and is going into the shop on Monday.
93. I bought the house I grew up in from my parents right after my 24th birthday - we still live there.
94. I have an implant - because the oral surgeon pulled the wrong tooth when I had my wisdom teeth done.
95. My honeymoon was my first real vacation as an adult.  I'd always just taken a week off and been lazy or hung out with my parents.  It was wonderful, and an experience I want to repeat.
96. I work as a Server technician - so I stare at computer screens all day long.
97. In order to fall asleep at night I count backwards, from 1000.
98. I have to wear glasses or contacts, because without correction I can't even read the computer screen,  my last unaided eye exam had me in the "Count Fingers" range, because I can't see the eye chart.
99.  I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have are very good ones.
100. I think swimming laps it the most meditative exercise ever.  you can be completely alone with your thoughts, but at the same time, you have to concentrate on your breathing and form.  sometimes I felt like I could swim forever.

Wow!  That's a whole lot of jumbled random about me.  If you made it all the way through - I'm a little amazed.  Thank you for being here. 

Photo Friday: Unplug

Nope, no electrical appliances, and no pictures of me at the beach.  Instead These are from a find on our camping trip last weekend.  This house was about as unplugged as it could get!

I had to make this black and white - it just called for it.  Anyway, the inside of the house was a
complete shambles.  The outside wasn't much better, but it was a heck of a lot prettier,

There were little white flowers everywhere, I stepped in a thistle, and there was rhubarb
growing right under the windows.  At some point the house was two stories, or at
least had a loft. 

Flowers and a VW full of bullet holes and rust.  What a combo.

What made them abandon it?  Did they hit a wall, and it was just too much? Were they unprepared for what they were getting into?  Did they suffer some sort of unforeseen calamity?

Anyway, go visit the others here.

In a funk

Bad Blogger!  No opposable thumbs for you. 


And now that we've finished with the yelling, I guess I'll say Hi, and I'm sorry I've been so quiet.  Jakobe and I went off for a long camping weekend last Friday, and we had a great time.  I spent *waaay* too much money on new fishing gear, determined that I can take the canoe out alone, and learned that the dog won't swamp us, even if she really doesn't like the boat that much!  I did catch a nice 14" trout Saturday night.  AND - I convinced Jakobe to eat it for dinner on Sunday.  It's wasn't poison, didn't kill him, and He's willing to eat my fish again.  That is a big win in my book.  Then on the way home Sunday afternoon, we were rear-ended by an 84 year old woman, and ended up being the middle car in a three car collision.  So, it's new bumpers for me.

That's me, trying on the frames for the new glasses
 that I bought.  Excuse the photo quality, my phone
does not the best camera make.

Sunday seems to have been a foreshadowing of my week, because after I got home I had absolutely no ambition to do anything at all, and that feeling continued until yesterday.  I did go in for an eye exam on Monday, and I'm ordering new glasses.  Unfortunately, I picked up pinkeye, so I lost yesterday to having to stay home and take care of that until I could get in to see the doctor.


And - Yesterday was CD1.  So, Yay! I finally got my period, and Boo! I hate my period.  Plus - Since I wasn't really temping, I didn't know exactly when it was due, and there was the smallest part of me that was hoping for a miracle, even if I didn't really think it could/would happen.  Nice to know I was right.  Not so nice to think that I just had a 50 day cycle for no real reason.  The doc has bumped up my Metformin dosage, I now get 1500mg a day, and can move up as high as 2500mg a day if I want.  We'll see.  I have a hard time remembering to take pills if they're not part of my night-time pill fest.


All in all I've felt extremely unmotivated this week, it felt like a gigantic accomplishment to take a shower, and if that doesn't say something about my mental state, nothing does.  I'm hoping that it was just PMS, and now I'll be back to normal, because I can't stand feeling like that for too long.

Jakobe got an interview for the new job - it's at 4:45 today.  I don't know when we'll know if he got the job or not, but I've got my fingers crossed.  More money and a happier husband can't be beat.

The only other news is that we're going to try going to the local infertility support group.  I'm a bit nervous, but I think it may be a good idea.  We'll see.  If we hate it, we just won't do it again, right?

Good Advice

My sisters are all younger than I am, but that doesn't mean that I ignore them, especially when they're giving really excellent advice.  Meg had some for me on Saturday, and I'm trying (albeit unsuccessfully) to take it more to heart.

For a little bit of background, my sister Meg is here on infertility island with us - over at RPL Bay, and she's been here about a year longer than I have.  In truth it's as much observation on her part as it is advice, but Here's my best approximation.

She thinks that part of our struggle is because I'm so goal oriented, and if I want something I make a plan, and figure out the steps needed to get there.  In terms of TTC, this meant that when we actually started trying, I jumped in headfirst.  Non of that easy, we won't prevent for a while and we'll see what happens for me.  I started charting, and planning, and generally doing my damnedest to get knocked up as fast as possible.  Some of that was fear, because I knew that things were probably not going to be as easy as they might have been because of my endometriosis.  Part of that was expediency - the endo makes having periods miserable, and I was sure that being off the pill was going to suck, I'd actually had a year an a half of periods that *didn't* suck.

Now that I've filled you in on my attitude, and my excuses explanations, we can get to her advice/commentary. She thinks that part of the reason that Jakobe may feel threatened by the idea of kids (yep, he thinks that he might lose me to the child, and I wouldn't have time for him anymore) is because I've been so focused on having them.  That maybe I've made him feel a bit like a means to an end.  That I should back off, and give him space.  That maybe what we need is some time to try living just the way we are.  And she might be right.

But...

...I'm 30.
...I don't want to miss out because we waited too long.
...I need to know what we choose so that I can do the right thing by my body.
...I can't seem to make myself stop wanting.
...I don't know how to let go of goals/dreams easily.
...I want that piece of *us* to carry us in to the future.
...I want to see Jakobe and our child together, someday.
...I want to try.

Wordless Wednesday: At the Lake

A couple of years ago... it was a beautiful morning.

Fishing

I've had several posts running around my brain, kind-of unformed and diaphanous, so I'm going to try seeing if just getting off my ass (or sitting down) and writing something out helps me create coherent thoughts.

I went fishing with my sisters on Saturday night while Jakobe played Dawn of War in the man-cave with the guys.  It was a great evening for me.  I forget how much I actually like fishing, how relaxing it is to cast my line into the river over and over, and to reel it back in.  The fish were jumping, and they were gorgeous.  I could see the flashes of silver and pink as they flew over the water before splashing back in.  I didn't catch anything, and I didn't even get a good bite.  It wasn't a problem though, because the fishing was worth it, and paying for a one day fishing license for only 2 hours was also worth it.

While I was out there, I wanted to catch a fish, and I spent my time actively trying to catch a fish.  I could see them jumping right in front of me, teasing me, and I knew that I just didn't have the right tools to catch the fish that were out there, but I kept trying anyway.  I tried while the people I came with caught several fish.  I never really gave up hope, and tried several different techniques, but I had no luck.  I had a blast. I didn't care that I hadn't caught any fish, because I had fun trying.

There's a lesson in that for me.  I need to remember to enjoy the journey.  Infertility and family building are like fishing - you're going to spend a fair amount of money and time, and who knows if you're going to have any success while you're at it, but you have to remember to enjoy the time you spend living, because none of it is wasted.

Oops...

I knew we were doing *something* wrong...

Anyway, XKCD is one of my favorite web comics and this one was particularly apt, so head on over there if you want...  It's terribly geeky and a lot of fun.

The Plan

I know - Sounds so good, but I'm really still in limbo, but it's about time I took charge of those things that I *can* control, so that's what I'm doing.  I guess you can say that I've already started some of this (like the chores list to keep the house up) but all the same - I think it's time for a coherent plan.

1. Actually exercise (and yes - going for a walk with Jakobe after dinner does count,  and so does energetic *Mmmph*)  I actually miss exercise.  I did triathlons in the none too distant past , and even though I was the epitome of the "Slow Fat, Triathlete" it was a blast, and I felt good both physically and about myself when I was doing it.
2. Keep a neat House.  This is where the chore list comes in, and we've been using it since Monday - so far it's working out well, although I feel bad, because I feel like Jakobe's been getting a lot more done than me.  I feel like we've got a week or two to play catch-up before we can reasonably be expected to do each day's list all at once, because I wrote it as a maintenance list, and not a "Holy shit, the house is out of control and we have to fix it" list.
3. Lose weight.  Somehow or another(we will not mention cheesecake, chocolates, cookies, or any of the other things I knew better than to eat, but consumed anyway), in the last couple of weeks I put back on 5-10 of the 30 lbs I lost last year, and I still needed to lose more, so that's definitely going in the wrong direction.  If we go the IVF route, it would be nice to lose some more of this extra weight before starting.  Jakobe needs to lose some too - We know because his endocrinologist yelled at him for putting on wight after he figured out how to eat potato chips again.
4. Get back to actually tracking our spending.  When I track - We usually spend less money.  In addition - we've got some outlays coming up, ophthalmologists, sheet-rock, whatever.

So - here's where you all come it to this - I think I should be keeping myself accountable by posting my progress on the plan as it occurs.  Maybe a weekly check in?  

In other news:

Jakobe applied for a different position where he works - less talking to brainless people on the phone, and more data entry.  I think that his employer thinks that it's a higher stress job, but we think the opposite.  Plus - it's a significant raise, which is all to the good.  The bad news - If he gets the job, then he can't go on vacation the week after his birthday, and we won't even know if he's really in the running until it's too late to cancel the condo...  So.  The backup plan for vacation is that I take my youngest sister with me for a week at the ocean, and he stays home and does the training for the new job.  Not ideal, but he'd be really pissed if we cancelled the condo, and then he didn't get the job.  As much as I really want him to be able to go on vacation with me - I hope he gets the job more - because I think he'll be a happier person in general.  I guess he'll go an vacation without me later.

The power of Words

As I finished yesterday's post, I started working on this one.  Realizing that I've gone back to an IF statement instead of a WHEN statement is a bit like admitting defeat.

I don't feel like I can be sure that we're going to try and make it happen.  In the meanwhile, while Jakobe is trying to figure out how he feels, I'm trying to figure out how to be happy - no matter what it comes down to.  It's tough.  I get stopped in my tracks at least a couple of times every day.  Sometimes it's little things - like the kids down the street riding their bikes.  Usually it's the everyday things that get me.

Our counselor thinks that Jakobe is mildly depressed - and probably has been for a long time.  She also thinks that he won't be able to make a decision, or be able to ferret out how he really feels without removing the depression from the equation.  She recommended an SSRI to help get him back onto an even keel, but cautioned that it takes a month to 6 weeks for it to really start working.  When he called his doctor - they wanted to see him in the office first, before prescribing it (and that I understand completely), but he doesn't seem to have much urgency himself.  What urgency he's expressing is because I haven't been as good at hiding my impatience as I should have been.

I hate being in limbo, and the more time I spend here, the less hopeful I feel.  I keep trying to take the pressure off, because I don't feel like Jakobe needs me breathing down his neck, he's got enough to deal with.  I wonder how other people have dealt with/are dealing with all of this, and feel like they must have figured it out better than we have.

Wonky Cycle Weirdness

I owe everyone an update, and an apology for being so quiet here for the last week.  My excuse - it's been a busy couple of days, and we weren't hanging around the house much.

So apparently the end result of seeing an RE for our fertility problems is that both maintenance, and ovulation have run for the hills.  Yep - that's right, I'm not having my period, but I'm not ovulating either.  My body has decided to hang out in limbo with my brain and emotions...

It's CD37 - I told Jakobe last night that maintenance was late, and he suggested that I take a HPT this morning because the irony would be just about perfect.  Then I told him I didn't think I'd ovulated yet.  He's chalking it up to stress.  Instead of going the HPT route, I decided to just take my temp this morning (I stopped temping after the visit to the RE - really, what's the point.  Well, okay, I was going to, because I like to know when to expect mainenance, but I guess I still can.) and I came in at a whopping 96.96, so I figure that a HPT would have been a wast of time.

It's nice to think that a miracle could have occurred, but they just don't happen to us.  Nope - the gods rain shit on us.  (The gods rain shit on other people too - if you're sitting in this shit-storm with us, I'm sorry, I still can't find an umbrella.  Maybe it'll stop raining soon?)


So, now I'm here, sharing.  We're still seeing the counselor, but it doesn't feel like we're going anywhere.  We've spent a whole lot of time talking about non-IF stuff.  Not that it isn't good to talk about, just that it feels like we went there for a reason, and there's all of these things and excuses that are keeping us from actually talking about that.  Jakobe managed to write in his blog (it's at the end of the post) what he was able to say in the counselors office two weeks ago, and other than that, nothing has changed. I'm sure that we're making incremental progress toward some kind of resolution, but it doesn't really feel that way.

I've gone back to saying "if we have kids someday, then..."

Not-Quite-Wordless Wednesday: Fourth of July Weekend

My nephew lost his first tooth - it took 45 minutes of concerted effort on his part.

Meg's adorable dog was doing well after his encounter with a truck..  He's in for surgery to repair his dislocated hip this week.

I got to see my grandparents:  and now you get to see my grandfather!

And - I took pictures of fireworks that I just have to share with everyone.