Expecting

My bubble of waiting
is thin-skinned
easily burst
The slightest breeze of envy
causes it to ripple
and shift around me

Without balance
it shudders
leaving me to wonder
if I can stay on solid ground
and fly away
both

Seeing the world through
its rainbow hues
seems less than real
and more
I step carefully
shifting only slightly

Waiting for the
POP,
to be crushed by reality
or to float away
carried in the wind
of a new dream

I wrote the poem yesterday, and on Saturday we have the home visit for our Home-study.  Or family and friends have been amazingly helpful and supportive, and we've gotten a lot done, but I still can't help but feel totally and completely nervous.  What if something goes wrong?

I'm also feeling a bit sad to go along with all of the excitement.  Sad about ht parts of this experience that I don't get to have.  I'm working my way through it, but I didn't exactly think that all of the feelings about my infertility were going to go away just because we're adopting.  I still have to deal with them.  It's easier, and harder.  Easier, because I don't fear that we'll never get to be parents.  Harder because I feel a little bit guilty for my sadness in a way that I didn't before.

I'm sorry that I've been pretty quiet over here.  I've been focused on doing things here instead of writing about doing things, and When I get involved with my life and have less angst, I seem to write less.  We'll see how things go from here on out.

I *did* make my very first quilt for her.  and I'll share a picture of it with you.