Yesterday Jakobe and I went to the movies. It was my turn to pick (last Sunday we saw The Sorcerer's Apprentice - fun, light, predictable) and I chose The Kids are All Right. It got great reviews, and I wanted to see it. For the most part - If I can't get Jakobe to watch something - I never get too either.
Anyway, I knew going in that part of the story line involved the kids connecting some with the Sperm donor who was their biological father. I knew that it was a story about family, and coming through a rough patch. I made sure that I told Jakobe about the movie, so that he wasn't going into it blind, and if he didn't want to see it/didn't feel up to it then we could choose a different movie. I knew that the movie wasn't about infertility - so I thought that the sperm donor thing would be okay. What I didn't know before watching it was that the sperm donor was the wedge forced into every crack of a marriage that I think anyone could recognize some part of theirs in. What I didn't know was that the movie would exploit every bad feeling or fear that Jakobe ever had about the idea of donor sperm. It was an absolutely excellent movie, one that I enjoyed - and exactly the wrong one for us.
I guess what I can say is that if anyone is on the fence about Donor insemination - this might not be for them...
For us - that part didn't matter, the only way that a sperm donor is an option for us is if Jakobe decides that he's okay with it, and broaches the subject with me. He's been so clear that this is something he absolutely does not want, that I've promised never to ask him for it - and I mean it.
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I have been wondering about that film, especially now that we have crossed that line and are growing embies with DS. It is not an easy decision, not by a long shot, and I hope you are able to come to the decision that works best for you guys. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the heads up about the movie. I'm sorry that it had to catch you off-guard like it did. Any chance that it might lead to some conversation at some point?
ReplyDeleteI don't know exactly how to say this, because I totally understand your promise not to bring up the discussion with J, and have actually made a similar pact with ML, but somehow in all of that your/our feelings need to be honored as well. It feels like a tightrope walk, one that we are left to navigate on our own, but I think it is really important to remember that it is a shared journey - not about him only or you only. It is a balance that I am trying really hard to find, after thinking that I could just set aside my feelings for his.
I've been wanting to see that movie. I wasn't sure how deeply they went into the emotional impact of using donor sperm. When my husband and I found out his sperm's motility was so low that ICSI was our only option to get pregnant unless we used donor sperm, I asked him what he thought. His immediate, somewhat gruff, response was "I'd rather not." After I thought about it (and the shock of the RE's evaluation wore off), I realized I wouldn't really want that either. If it had been donor eggs that were necessary, I might have been able to come around to that: the baby would grow inside of me, so I would feel an attachment to it, but with donor sperm, how would my husband ever feel that?
ReplyDeleteI cringe when adoptin comes up in a movie unexpectedly. Not because my son doesn't know about it...but because of the way it's usually handled so flippantly. :(
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