02 March 2010

Floating (or is that Sinking)

I'm just kind of stuck.  I can't seem to find my footing.  I think that a large part of it is that I tend to cope with things by either viewing them as in the past (so there's nothing I can do about it) or planning and taking action.  The fact that I have to wait until Jakobe feels ready to make his appointment (he said he was going to do it this week, but has not actually taken any steps in that direction, or shown any real desire to) means that I can't do anything.  I have absolutely no control of the situation, and I feel frozen.  I just don't know how to cope, or how to support him.

I also don't know whether or not to push him to make his appointment, or to leave it alone.

Added to this is the resurgence of a problem we had mostly pushed into a small dark corner to eventually wither and die: Sex.  Namely, that I almost always want sex more than he does.  He gets the same feeling of closeness and connection from just cuddling.  Between TTC and diagnosing and treating his diabetes, we had almost reached equilibrium, and it wasn't really a problem.  Since the SA - back to being a problem.  He doesn't feel like it - and I just start feeling more and more distant and disconnected.  When we did have sex, I think he was satisfied because he's not expressing any further interest, and I'm just not drifting any further away.  I really don't want this whole thing to mess up my marriage - I love my husband more than I can say.  Right now though, I feel very alone.

Even my body seems stuck in stasis - I haven't had any trouble ovulating until now but it's CD25, and no sign of O yet.  Not that I need to - I can continue to ovulate like clockwork - and we'll never get pregnant without something else helping us out.


  1. It is a struggle that I have as well. My marriage means more to me than anything, but I want a family too. And I still have really big fears about protecting our marriage as we traverse this infertility. Did you see the post from Circus Children "Impossible Choice"?

  2. I hadn’t read “Impossible Choice” but I have now, and I’m glad that I did, thanks for pointing it out to me. I may show it to Jakobe at some point, but probably not yet.


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