An Ache in my Breast

In this case, literally.  It's completely not fair, but they are a little bit sore and achey, and even woke me up for a second last night when I squished them.  I don't know if it's becasue the metformin is causing me to have more progesterone this time, of if it's becaue I'm actually pregnant.  I know that I've got my hopes up.  I've managed to stop getting my hopes up so much since November, because it sucked - and I don't want to feel that disappointment again.  Unfortunately, here I am, not having learned my lesson.  I'm going to be some form of crushed in the next week when maintenance starts and I know I'm not pregnant. 

Yeah - I sound like a pessimist, but I'm trying to protect myself.  It makes up for all the boob squishing (yep, they still hurt), and the little encouraging talking to my tummy that I've never done before(irrational, but true).  A clump of cells can't hear me wishing at it. 

One of the women from the online discussion board I participate in ovulated the same day as I did, and she got her BFP yesterday, at only 6DPO.  My reaction:  Pee in a cup this morning, and stare at my own BFN.  When Jakobe woke up and went to the bathroomm this morning, he called over to ask if I tested this morning, and when I said yes, his "and?" was almost more hopeful than I could stand, and the big dissapointed sigh when I said "No." made me feel like an ogre for testing when I know that 7DPO is basically waaaay to early.

Hope and Frustration

The funny thing about trying something new when you're trying to get knocked up, is that the moment you have a new plan, some part of you thinks that everything will be different this time, and miraculously you'll get pregnant. Then the rational part of your brain kicks in and says: What the FUCK are you thinking? This is pretty much how I feel about Metformin. Part of me really wants to think that it's going to just miraculously wor, and the other part of me knows better. Plus - Metformin has finally stopped making me feel like shit or more literally like taking a shit(all the time).

The frustration part of things, is that my doctor finally called me back. The records she was going to look over have disappeared into the ether. They have the electronic records of my old visits, but the full records are missing, Except for the ones from one visit to another doctor in the practice - in 1997. So, joy of joys, I get to try and track down all of my old records from doctors from before this one... And I need to figure out what the heck happened with my last laparoscopy. It was apparently done by a doctor I don't remember ever having seen. SO I have nothing further to report. She doesn't have enough information to make a reccomendation, and I have learned that it costs between 70 sand $1 per page to get your own copy of your medical records. Another way that the healthcare system screws patients. Don't get me started.

Being Right

Do you know how hard it is to back down when you know you're right. Not quite as hard as it is to back down the second time.

Lets start with what the disagreement was about - a question on the quiz in my database processing class. He was testing on whether we read the text, and not on whether we understood it. The question?

Which of the following is not a functional Functional Determinant?

The possible answers don't really matter, because there was actually *no* right answer, but the answer he had as the correct answer was "equations" based on the fact that he had highlighted from reading the textbook the section heading:

Functional Determinants are not Equations.

Unfortunately, he actually misread the heading which was:

Functional Determinants that are not Equations.(emphasis mine)

I know that this is a technical class, but if you're testing on if we read the material - you should read it correctly yourself.

Mostly though, I object to receiving a 5 minute lecture in front of everyone about why I was wrong based on a fallacious argument - that equations are not functional determinants because it's a bad idea to have them as functional determinants. Especially when I agree that it's a bad idea, it just wasn't the question he was asking.

I guess this is no news

I said that I'd include an update after I saw the doctor today. What do I have to show for my visit? A semen analysis kit for my husband, and instructions to call back in a couple of days to see if they got my records out of storage so that they can send them to another doctor. The only possible recommendation she had for me was another course of Lupron, which would put me on hold for at least 3 more months, and make me miserable. Plus - most of the time, you shouldn't be on more than 6 months of Lupron in a lifetime. Did I mention that it SUCKS! no one should have to go through menopause 3 times. SO anyway, back into the holding pattern. If I go directly to an IF specialist, everything starts to cost a lot of money... which I don't feel like we have.

Anyway, I should breathe.

I know that's what Jakobe would be telling me right now, mostly because I just got off the phone with him, and it's the equivalent of what he did tell me. "It will all work out. Or it won't. Either way, we can exhaust our resources trying, and they'll come back later. I love you more today than yesterday, and that isn't going to change. God won't give us more than we can take" I take exception to the last one, mostly because I may not be given more than I can take, but I certainly be given more than I would ever want to, or more than I feel is reasonable. Oh, and the whole not believing in a singular god thing, but hey, we can't have it all.

Keeping Promises

So I was thinking about this blog, and I came to the decision that I could reasonably expect myself to post one entry a week to start off with. No one is reading it right now anyway, but someday they might. The thing about it is, I decided this two or three weeks ago, and then didn't do anything! Admittedly, that's just like me. I fully intend to do something....in a little bit, and then it doesn't get done until much later than I planned. Unless there is an actual deadline, then, I get it done before the deadline. So, I think I need to set a deadline for myself. I will post once a week, before I go to bed on Sunday night and the next week begins. That way you can hear about either a new recipe I tried, and old one that I just remembered, or the craziness that is going on in my life and how things are going on the baby-making front.

As to that - Still practicing a lot, but no goals scored. I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday, and I'll certainly fill in the details then.