unexpected bumps in the road

This morning, after I dropped Jakobe off at work because his car was in the shop, I went on my merry way to work myself. Except, halfway there, my car overheated again and ran itself out of coolant.

There I was, mostly in the middle of nowhere, so I decided to drive just far enough to stop at a coffee shop. (I've already spent 5 hours once this year waiting for a tow in a car with no heat while the temperatue is in the teens or below.) I was a good thing, because it was 2 hours before my tow got there. A coworker came and picked me up, so that I could make it to the rest of my work day, and I waited to hear how expensive it was going to be to fix *this time*.

Apparently, not expensive. They didn't find anything mechanically wrong. So, just more of my bad car luck.

Tonight, I'm riding the bus home from work... a two hour trek filled with people who won't stop talking to me even though my body language clearly says "Leave me alone, I'm busy reading on my phone."

Admittedly, I used to ride the bus quited a bit, it used to be a cheap and fairly convenient way to get from place to place. Now, the routes have been cut so far back that only people who absolutely have to are riding the bus. And even for me it would only work to get me home, as it doesn't run early enough to get me to work on time.

I'm glad that my car will be available tomorrow, especially since I have to stop by Dr. R's office for CD3 bloodwork so that we can proceed with IVF in March/April. Tomorrow will be my first experience with the craziness that is morning clinic hours at the RE. Only 28 days until we give them all our money. Less than one month (or thereabouts) befored I start BCPs. It's sneaking up on me fast.

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Photo Friday - a little Belated: Fun With Flowers

I told this to publish Friday morning... but apparently, it didn't!

These are some old but good ones that I got to look at after I finally got my new workstation/desk all set up upstairs this week.  I'm actually using the computer a lot more with a place that's all my own and not down in the "man cave" where I felt like I was intruding. 

My Better Judgement

It's been one of those weeks.  And I have to admit that I did it to myself, because, you see, I was a week late.  I haven't been temping becasue we're not exactly trying while we wait to do IVF, just having sex whaen we feel like it, and I didn't need the added stress.  What I seem to forget is that even though I can guess when I ovulate pretty accurately (I weven told Jakobe that I didn't think that I'd be startign my period until the end of this week) that doesn't mean that some part of me isn't thinking:  I'm a week late.  What if I was wrong, and those weren't ovulation painns I was feeling.  What if I get to have one of those miracle pregnancies that happen  to peopel when they're "Not trying."  What if I take a pregnancy test.  I've got about a million of them, just sitting in the closet, collecting dust.  That wouldn't hurt, would it.  I mean I could be pregnant, right?  It's not completely impossible...

Except it is practically impossible, and it wasn't going to happen.  So, I thought about writing a blog post, asking if I should just take a pregnancy test, and get it out of my mind.  But then it felt like admitting that maybe, just maybe I could be pregnant, and if I said it aloud (or typed it) I'd be jinxing it, and then AF would come and I'd just have write again about how mistaken my hopes were.  Because, of course.  AF is on it's way.  I'm cramping, and spotting, and really starting to hurt. 

And I hurt emotionally too.  I feel like I am so far away from children actually being real.  I'm so scared of spending all of our money and ending up destitute (and childless to boot). 

So - I expect that I'll get up in the morning, and I'll take some pain medicine, and I'll head off to work, and I won't admit amy more than I've done right here, that yet again, I let myself hope, against my better judgement, and my better judgement knew what it was talking about.

Wordless Wednesday: New Camera Lens!

My Facebook FAIL.

I should really know better.  I brought this pain upon myself.  I posted this picture of Jakobe to Facebook with the caption "Guess who's having a food baby..."

And this is what I got myself.  Oops.

Anniversary

And a good one at that - two years ago today I got to marry the most wonderful man ever.  I may bitch and complain about him from time to time, but I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world.  He is my one and only.

To celebrate - I'll share a couple of pictures of us from that day.

Uncertainty

It's hard to know exactly how I'm feeling right now.  Jakobe was really upset earlier today.  he is worried about the amount of money we are going to be spending on IVF and I can't say that I blame him.  At the same time, I am very irritated with him for a couple of reasons.  One, that he didn't bring up his money concerns until now.  I feel a little bit blindsided.  And two, that he has left all the money matter in what he calls my capable hands, but he doesn't trust me to do it right and keep us from gettting into trouble.  It is a lot of money,and we are behond where I hoped to be at this point, ut at the same time I don't think that it is way beyond our means or that we'll be making a big mistake.

I just don't know.  I don't think I can wait much longer than we had planned and keep my sanity.  Infertility is already costing us so much on an emotional level that i don't want those costs to continue to add up and then pile the costs of actually trying on top of them.  Instead of feeling like this obstacle is bringing us closer together, I feel like it'S turning into a wedge.  I find myself thinking that Jakobe doesn't want to have sex anymore because it won't have a chance of resulting in pregnancy...  or that he's thinking that he's lucked out and found a way to give me the kids I want without having to have sex.  And I know these thing are not true...  but I think them sometimes anyway.

I want to be past this, I want to know if it worked or if it didn't,  I want to leave all of this uncertainty and longing and fear behind,  I want to go back to a world where we don't have to fight so hard for each scrap of happiness.

Trusting in Justice and other news

First - the sad news:  it doesn't look like the adoption thing is going to work out for my sister.  A friend of her husband's family had become unintentionally pregnant and was planning to give the baby up for adoption, and her aunt suggested my sister and her husband.  Unfortunately, there's been no follow-up, so it's looking a lot less likely.

Second - a short version of why becoming insta-parents of a teenager would be the best way to solve a situation:  My youngest sister is 17, and her living situation right now is not the best.   Not terrible, but not good either.  Since my parent's separation and divorce 3 years ago, she's been shuffling around to friends houses, and is now currently living with her boyfriend.  I blame this mostly on my parents.  My mom - who left in such a way that my sister hardly spoke to her for almost a year, and my dad - who fell into such a deep depression that he lost his house, struggled to find work, and ended up living in the basement of one of my other sisters for 2 years. In any case - she's not going to school regularly, and living with her boyfriend and his parents isn't the best solution.  We would love for her to live with us, but she doesn't want to move and leave her friends.  So - not happening, yet at least.


Finally - to come back to the title of this post.  On New Year's Day, a young woman I'm very close to was violently raped.  For a while we weren't sure if the authorities would be able to do anything, even though she knew her attacker, and went to the hospital almost right away.  Turns out - he was arrested on Tuesday, and bail was set at $75,000 yesterday.  It's nice to see that the justice system is working.  Now I just have to trust that it keeps working.