08 November 2009

Twenty-four: with six years experience.

I turned thirty on Friday, and I just had a great weekend celebrating it. We drove out of town to McCall, ID and just relaxed with 2 of my best friends. It was awesome, and I completely recommend playing Cranium while you’re too drunk to see straight. That or just trying to sculpt modeling clay with your eyes closed… There were some moments that were so funny that I laughed until the mixture of bad champagne and cheap pre-made margarita nearly came right back out my nose. And no – not every sculpture was a penis, I think we actually skipped those entirely, although we did have nipples, and Margaritas, and “Piece, Love, and Happiness.” I did stupid bar tricks from when I was twenty, like deep-throating a champagne bottle. I even experimented with my new cookbook to make dinner and it was well worth it, but I think I’ll leave that for later. In general, I did my best to make the most fun I could out of the weekend and for the most part, it worked. My friends Mike and Heidi kept me busy and entertained, and Jakobe happily indulged my photo-taking excursions and stops along the road. Even if he was sure that I was just going to keep hiking “a little farther…” until we went on the hike I wanted to go on in the first place. Note: I didn’t. But I did go hiking later, without him.

In any case, when we woke up Saturday morning, there was a fox posing right outside the door of our condo. I got some great pictures and it let me really close. Heidi was more than enchanted, and we spent a great deal of time seeing if we could find another fox. She did hand feed one we ran across downtown on Friday night, and I think that was the highlight of her weekend. So part of the hiking was to see if we could find any other wildlife, but alas – just lots of very irritated squirrels. It was cold on Saturday night, and we woke to a thin covering of snow this morning. I liked it, but I’m not so sure about everyone else. We stopped for more pictures on the way home, and I did some general playing with the camera in the car when it wasn’t my turn to drive any longer. Must remember – Lewiston smells like ASS, but the view from the highway north of town is incredible..

Unfortunately – even the best weekends have a dark side. In this case, I turned thirty, and at the same time, I’m not pregnant. Again. And it sucks. How do I explain something that I want so badly it feels like I can’t see straight, and at the same time, I want to not care so damn much. Because it hurts. Because every month, I feel like a failure. Like there’s something that I’m doing wrong. Like I don’t deserve to get pregnant because I want it too much. And Jakobe holds on to me, and tells me things he thinks are comforting, like ”It’s just not our time,” and “we did everything right, but maybe this just wasn’t our month.” And I know that he thinks that he’s making me feel better, but I don’t, and I suck it up. Because big girls don’t CRY. Because I don’t want him to feel bad. In a day or two, I’ll be over it, about the same time that cramps and endometriosis stop making me feel not only like poop on a stick, but also hopeless. And we’ll try again.

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