Expecting

My bubble of waiting
is thin-skinned
easily burst
The slightest breeze of envy
causes it to ripple
and shift around me

Without balance
it shudders
leaving me to wonder
if I can stay on solid ground
and fly away
both

Seeing the world through
its rainbow hues
seems less than real
and more
I step carefully
shifting only slightly

Waiting for the
POP,
to be crushed by reality
or to float away
carried in the wind
of a new dream

I wrote the poem yesterday, and on Saturday we have the home visit for our Home-study.  Or family and friends have been amazingly helpful and supportive, and we've gotten a lot done, but I still can't help but feel totally and completely nervous.  What if something goes wrong?

I'm also feeling a bit sad to go along with all of the excitement.  Sad about ht parts of this experience that I don't get to have.  I'm working my way through it, but I didn't exactly think that all of the feelings about my infertility were going to go away just because we're adopting.  I still have to deal with them.  It's easier, and harder.  Easier, because I don't fear that we'll never get to be parents.  Harder because I feel a little bit guilty for my sadness in a way that I didn't before.

I'm sorry that I've been pretty quiet over here.  I've been focused on doing things here instead of writing about doing things, and When I get involved with my life and have less angst, I seem to write less.  We'll see how things go from here on out.

I *did* make my very first quilt for her.  and I'll share a picture of it with you.

Feelings

I can’t even begin to explain how excited I am about our adoption. It just makes me happy inside. I am enjoying spending time figuring out nursery colors and furniture and a registry. I’m getting ready to make a set of three matching/coordinating flannel crib quilts (and no, I don’t really have a crib yet…  at least not one that we want to use). 

I have spent the last week running around trying to get all of the details put together. I picked up our Birth Certificates from the safety deposit box last night, and Jakobe is supposed to be continuing to work on the questionnaire so that we can get the rest of the Home Study paperwork turned in. We did get the most time sensitive piece done – Our background Check/Fingerprint cards have been mailed to the FBI. Let’s hope for speedy processing!!!

On the Induced lactation front – I was making good progress with stimulation, but now either my impending period, or the fact that I started the Yaz is making my dribbles dry up.  If it’s the Yaz, then it should mean that I’m proliferating more milk making cells instead of making milk.  We’ll see.  I will stick to the plan.

--Sharing this late, because somehow I forgot to hit the publish button....