My Better Judgement

It's been one of those weeks.  And I have to admit that I did it to myself, because, you see, I was a week late.  I haven't been temping becasue we're not exactly trying while we wait to do IVF, just having sex whaen we feel like it, and I didn't need the added stress.  What I seem to forget is that even though I can guess when I ovulate pretty accurately (I weven told Jakobe that I didn't think that I'd be startign my period until the end of this week) that doesn't mean that some part of me isn't thinking:  I'm a week late.  What if I was wrong, and those weren't ovulation painns I was feeling.  What if I get to have one of those miracle pregnancies that happen  to peopel when they're "Not trying."  What if I take a pregnancy test.  I've got about a million of them, just sitting in the closet, collecting dust.  That wouldn't hurt, would it.  I mean I could be pregnant, right?  It's not completely impossible...

Except it is practically impossible, and it wasn't going to happen.  So, I thought about writing a blog post, asking if I should just take a pregnancy test, and get it out of my mind.  But then it felt like admitting that maybe, just maybe I could be pregnant, and if I said it aloud (or typed it) I'd be jinxing it, and then AF would come and I'd just have write again about how mistaken my hopes were.  Because, of course.  AF is on it's way.  I'm cramping, and spotting, and really starting to hurt. 

And I hurt emotionally too.  I feel like I am so far away from children actually being real.  I'm so scared of spending all of our money and ending up destitute (and childless to boot). 

So - I expect that I'll get up in the morning, and I'll take some pain medicine, and I'll head off to work, and I won't admit amy more than I've done right here, that yet again, I let myself hope, against my better judgement, and my better judgement knew what it was talking about.

Wordless Wednesday: New Camera Lens!

My Facebook FAIL.

I should really know better.  I brought this pain upon myself.  I posted this picture of Jakobe to Facebook with the caption "Guess who's having a food baby..."

And this is what I got myself.  Oops.

Anniversary

And a good one at that - two years ago today I got to marry the most wonderful man ever.  I may bitch and complain about him from time to time, but I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world.  He is my one and only.

To celebrate - I'll share a couple of pictures of us from that day.

Uncertainty

It's hard to know exactly how I'm feeling right now.  Jakobe was really upset earlier today.  he is worried about the amount of money we are going to be spending on IVF and I can't say that I blame him.  At the same time, I am very irritated with him for a couple of reasons.  One, that he didn't bring up his money concerns until now.  I feel a little bit blindsided.  And two, that he has left all the money matter in what he calls my capable hands, but he doesn't trust me to do it right and keep us from gettting into trouble.  It is a lot of money,and we are behond where I hoped to be at this point, ut at the same time I don't think that it is way beyond our means or that we'll be making a big mistake.

I just don't know.  I don't think I can wait much longer than we had planned and keep my sanity.  Infertility is already costing us so much on an emotional level that i don't want those costs to continue to add up and then pile the costs of actually trying on top of them.  Instead of feeling like this obstacle is bringing us closer together, I feel like it'S turning into a wedge.  I find myself thinking that Jakobe doesn't want to have sex anymore because it won't have a chance of resulting in pregnancy...  or that he's thinking that he's lucked out and found a way to give me the kids I want without having to have sex.  And I know these thing are not true...  but I think them sometimes anyway.

I want to be past this, I want to know if it worked or if it didn't,  I want to leave all of this uncertainty and longing and fear behind,  I want to go back to a world where we don't have to fight so hard for each scrap of happiness.