Beta

Negative.

Schrödinger's cat

We did it.  We went in for our beta.  This means that in a few short hours I won't be able to pretend that I'm pregnant anymore.  I'm terrified.  I cried on the way home.  Jakobe is telling me only positive things.  But, I'm trying to be prepared for the worst, to expect the worst.  I'm afraid that I manufactured all of my symptoms like a crazy woman grasping at straws.

The box is open, we just haven't looked yet.

6dp5dt - I can still find my marbles

If I look hard enough anyway.  I'm trying to stay positive, but you know how it goes, sometimes you just have those moments of doubt.  Those moments where you're sure that like everything else before now you're going to get dumped flat on my face.  In any case, I've been keeping busy, and trying not to get too worked up.  I've done a lot of reading, and playing of video games.  Last night I took my best friend out to dinner and shopping for chocolate and kitchen implements (I'm now the proud owner of an 11" tart pan with a removable bottom.

Symptoms (that may or may not be all in my head):

• Cramping - Not in my head, I've been cramping since Thursday.
• Sore boobs (over the weekend.)  Then they got better :(
• Jakobe said that my boobs were bigger, but I couldn't see/feel a difference.
• Tired - But that was just yesterday and might be meaningless, I was falling asleep at dinner at about 7:30 last night.
•  Increased Heart rate: 90bpm while lying in bed, 103 BPM while sitting at my desk (and I know that's really high even for my sedentary fat ass.)

I feel like I'm just picking up on little things that don't have any meaning, and I'm worried becasue my breasts stopped being sore, Like maybe embry started and then couldn't keep going. 

I could POAS today, or tomorrow or even Thursday, but I don't want to know.  Okay I do want to know, but If it's negative I would like to go on thinking I'm pregnant for as long as possible.  I did have my progesterone test done yesterday, and it came back just fine at 21.7.

In the meanwhile we have a plan for my not drinking on Thanksgiving.  I'm buying myself some sparkling cider, and Jakobe is going to drink.  I'm the Designated Driver this time.  Honestly - I don't think it's going to work.  But it's a plan anyway.  I just don't think I want to be talking about it with all the aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, Etc.  

I just have to make it until Friday.

And Murphy strikes again.

We have nothing to freeze, according to our nurse, all 5 arrested overnight.

I'm trying not to get too upset or emotional, wouldn't want to fuck up the broken basket that's carrying our only egg.

Support group meeting should start anytime.  Probably a good thing.  I'm going to eat blueberry cream cheese tart and try not to cry.

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PUPO

Here's Embry.  We were told that it was an excellent looking embryo, so we have that going for us.  I have spent all day on the couch, but I guess that's okay.  I should remember my vitimins before I pass out. 

The details on the others are, as of this morning:

2 early blasts

2 morulas

1 delayed

I'm hoping there's at least one to freeze in the morning.  I'd prefer two.

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Go Embry! Go!

  None of our fresh embryos were ready for transfer this morning.  (The clinic only transfers expanded blasts).  So we are thawing Embry and proceeding with transfer.  They weren't able to give me details on the other embryos, but they should ba able to when we get there at 11 for our 11:30 transfer.

For now, Jakobe and I are heading out so he can eat, and there will be more details to follow.

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Impatience

I am lying in bed this morning, waiting for the clinic to call and give me today's instructions.  Waiting to find out how our embryos are doing.  My mind is racing and I can't doze anymore. 

Jakobe has gone to work, he had to go in very early today and basically get some favors so that he could leave the office early enough to go with me for the transfer, whenever it will be.  He has to work until 8:45, and then he has the rest of the day.  I am very grateful to the people who helped him out, and very irritated by how inflexible his work is being in general.  It's not like he's been asking for loads of time off, and he worked all day Friday, when I had my retrieval.   Grr.  I had to pick, and I picked that I wanted him with me today.  But, they couldn't get it worked out until yesterday, so we've been a little stressed by that.

Anyway, the clinic didn't call last time until after eight, so I need to be a bit more patient.  Maybe get up and eat breakfast?  Or listen to the C+B Transfer track?  I'm so trying to not go a little crazy over the next hour.  Then it'll just be a bit of boredom while I fumble through self-imposed bed rest today and tomorrow.

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Day three Reporting

Well, I am feeling better.  Still a bit of odd sensations in the pelvic region, but basically okay.  I haven't quite figured out how I feel about how things are going this time.  I'm certainly not despondent and full of fear, which is pretty much how I was feeling about this point int he process last time.  Instead I'm just trying not to have too much in the way of expectations either way. 

Jakobe is in some ways my rock.  He's really good at being optimistic and being sure that this are going to work out in our favor.  At the same time, He has crawled into his very safe and secure bubble - other wise known as near constant video games.  It's how he deals with things, but I still kind of miss him when he does. 

So far the PIO injections are going very well.  I kick him off of the TV for about forty five minuted so that I can watch some tv with a heating pad on my bum.  I'm doing the injections in my right hip, and he's taking care of the ones in my left hip.  He thinks it's a fair division of labor - I can't bring myself to tell him that it's only fair if half the injections are in *HIS* bum.  oh well, not exactly going to work out that way.

On Saturday I headed over to the local coffee shop for a support group meeting, but it turned out I was the only one who could make it.  We have two groups right now - One for people who are experiencing infertility at any stage of their journey, and one for those who are trying to conceive or parent their first.  It was the second group that was pretty empty this weekend, and not for a bad reason.  We have finally had several people who have moved on.  They finally have their BFP, and they are now taking new steps.  It's been a long time coming, because the group had about a two year drought.  Now - We've got three pregnant women.

I hope I get to be number four.  It'll play hell on the meetings, but for good reasons.

I guess it's time to share this morning's details.

We have four 8-cell embryos, and one that's at less than 5 cells.  I don't expect that last one to make it.  SO I'm thinking that we have four that were right on schedule this morning.  We won't know any more until Wednesday morning, when they will tell us if any of them are ready to transfer.  Even if they're not, we're going to have a transfer, we'll just thaw and use Embry (or: the little embryo who could).  Here's to being almost PUPO.

Fert Report

I got the call this morning while I was driving to our support group meeting (Jakobe was still home sleeping).  I think that this is good news, and we won't hear any more until Monday.

14 Retrieved

9 Mature

7 fertilized

Now they just have to grow. 

Yesterday wasn't bad, I hurt more than last time, but overall I was okay and took it easy.  I had one bout, late in the evening where I got flushed and the hot/cold prickles and thought I was going to throw up.  I didn't and I am very glad.  I'm feeling okay today, still a little sore, but not bad.  Getting ready to wait.

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Fourteen!!!

We got 14 eggs!  We'll know about fertilization tomorrow.  I am experiencing more discomfort than last time, but that was to be expected.  Sitting around the house, trying to get comfortable and watching movies.

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on waiting rooms

I think I would lose my head if it wasn't attached.  Here we are, sitting in the waiting room, and Jakobe had already been called in to do his part and I have a sudden realization.  Our consent forms?  They're at home in *my* car, and unsigned.  Oops.  Thankfully, I caught Jakobe, and we got them signed.  Part of him wanted to read them again, and he asked:  "What happens If I refuse to sign now?"

My response (laughing):"I beat you to death with this clipboard."

Anyway, we're here waiting and my retrieval is at 8 am, so we shouldn't have to wait too long.  Plus Heather brought me a package of dark chocolate lacey cookies from Trader Joe's.  She's awesome, and I am lucky to have her.

I'll keep you in the loop, and let you know about everything.

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Trigger Time

You heard that right, it's trigger time.  This time it's at 10:00 pm instead of 1 am, so I don't have to either get up at an ungodly hour, or stay up really late and miss out on my sleep.  5000 IUs this time, I think becaue there's so much more going on down there.

I have the worst gas, and it's adding to the puffy bloated feeling.  I am now regretting the Fiber One bars that I ate earlier today.  Tasty, but I think that they made the gas worse.

Jakobe's employer is being a total ass about the whole thing, and he will be working friday during retrieval,  Not such a big deal - but they also wont let him have any time on Wednesday for transfer.  Completely not cool.  He has sick time, but they won't let him use it.

I spent the time this evening trying to stay awake by watching TV instead of doing any of the other things that should have been on the priority list - Like putting the dishes away, laundry, or even NaNoWriMo.  I am falling way behind, and I really should do something about it, but I'm just exhausted.  I get home, and I mostly want to sleep.  I don't cause then I'll wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to go back to sleep - but it's hard to focus when you'd rather be sleeping.

Theoretically - we're supposed to have sex tonight.  and If I didn't feel like an overblown balloon I might actually feel like having sex tonight.  But - I am veeling very baloon like, and the closest thing to a penis that my vagina has seen in days is an ultrasound wand - and it just hurt,  It doesn't make me want to put anything else in their either.  and all of that is discounting the requirement that we use a condom.  I hate them, Jakobe hates them, and they are not the best option when performance is proscribed and might be an issue.  Why - cause he's not really in the mood tonight eeither.

He's not getting too much sympathy from me on that front.  If the most unpleasant thing (besides helping me with my injections) that he has to do is masturbate - I think he'll survive it.  Somehow it's not air that most of the suckiness falls to the women in most cases - he doesn't even have to get up at o'dark thirty to go to the RE's office, and some morning's it's hard to refrain from really waking him up instead of kissing him on the head while He dozes and I walk out the door.

I just realized that he once (possibly jokingly) threatened to boycot the process if they had to "go to the source" in his words, and that basically, they have to "go to the source" on my side every tim.  and my source, is a lot less accesible than his.

OKay - I think I might be getting a bit bitchy.  I'm gonna blame it on tired and hormonal.  That and headaches everyday that I don't get to take anything for.

On that note - I'll say goodnight.


***Quick Morning update***

Here are the actual stats:

• e2: 4540
• Progesterone: 1.8
• Follicles :  Now he's only counting the largest ones to get a general feeling - 13
• Right: 20, 20, 20, 20, 20, 19, 17
• Left: 20, 20, 20, 19, 19, 17
• Endometrial Thickness: 9mm

Day 10 - Are we there yet?

Say hello to the Stay Puft Marshmallow man.  Or at least, that's how I feel.  Tonight is not trigger time, and I get to go back in in the morning.  Dr says that He wanted to let me go one more day.  I mind, and I don't - they counted 16 follies this morning. Some still to small, and some the right size.

Mostly I'm starting to feel like I might explode.  My Nurse coordinator still has to be prodded every day to give me numbers - she just want to tell me what my instructions are and leave it at that.  It irritates me a little bit - and I think that my asking irritates her a little bit too, but I'd rather be informed than just in the dark and guessing.

Stats:

• E2: 3189
• Progesterone: 1.8
• Follicles: 16, ranging from 13-20ish mm
• Right: 13, 17, 18, 19, 19, 20
• Left: 13,13, 5x<15, 19, 19, 19

We're almost there.  Jakobe's work is giving him a bit of trouble, not wanting to let him have time off for retrieval, or time off for transfer.  I know that I don't technically need him then, but dammit I want him to be there.  We're making it work.  If everything works out how we are currently;y expecting, then retrieval is going to be at about the same time that the furnace guy is coming to fix the heat in our house, so Jakobe will probably be home waiting for said furnace guy, and Heather will be with me giving me a ride, etc.  Then if the furnace still isn't fixed I'll be at home, and Jakobe is headed back to work - they're short staffed for closers on Friday.  I'll let you know what we do tomorrow.

Tonight I'm going to try to go to bed early again and hopefully I can fall asleep.  I find myself very tired, but last night I laid in bed for a long time just trying to fall asleep.  I must also remember to take my vitimins and drink some water before I zonk out.  Every day it seems to be getting harder to draw my blood for labs.  Thankfully even if it's been getting harder, the lady I've worked with most days has been awesome, and I've been getting away with only about 1 stick for day.  In My book, That's a miracle.

  I managed to make it to the clinic early enough that I was on time for work this morning, but each day is kind of it's own crapshoot, so I'll have to try and repeat myself tomorrow - before I really irritate my boss.

The post I owed you yesterday...

...but I skipped because I wasn't doing anything.  It was my birthday, and my prerogative.  I had a very lazy day. Especially if you don't count getting up at the crack of dawn to go to the RE's office and have an ultrasound wand shoved up my hoo-ha and my arms poked with needles to remove my lifeblood.  But all in all it wasn't bad.

It was pretty good, and I had good News from the doctors office - all is proceeding according to plan.  I'm getting a little nervous, because now I only have about two and a half Gonal-F pens left.  and I'm pretty sure I'm right on the edge because if the timing matches last time, then I'll be triggering tomorrow night, and I won't need the extra, but If I follow the calendar I'm short.  I need to remember to talk to them about it tomorrow.,

Does anyone else suddenly feel even more bloated right after they do their injections?  It's like I know that I'm not actually any more uncomfortable than I was two minutes before, but suddenly it's like I can feel my ovaries expanding, yet again.  Plus - I feel like I have to fart - all the time, and I just can't (well not much, I *am* farting as much as possible because I feel like it's giving me a little release.)

...and now that I have crossed the TMI line all over again, we can return to our regular programming.

My birthday was great.  Jakobe and Heather bought me a ticket to a wine tasting and benefit, and we had a wonderful time.  We all went out for sushi beforehand.  Heather and I enjoyed it immensely, while Jakobe explored all of the non sushi items on the conveyor belt.  At the benefit I bought 3 small bottles of a port that I like, Even though I already have a bottle here at home, because it was available at a discount.  Now I don't have to worry about opening up a bottle - because I still have a couple more.  Anyway, that was the night before, on my birthday itself, with the exception of the part mentioned above, we hung around the house, watched TV and movies, ignored our chores, and went to Red Lobster for Endless Shrimp.

Details from the Doctor's office:

• E2 - 1657
• Progesterone - 1.19
• Follicles - they still counted 11, 5 on the left, 6 on the right.  Almost all of them were 15mm, one measured 16, and there was one - (I'm not sure if it was part of the count) - at 12mm.

I'm off to the RE again in the morning, and I half expect to be telling you all that trigger is tomorrow night.  Either way, I'll be owing you a post tomorrow.  Until then.

(Oh, and for those who might be counting, this was my 200th post.  It should be more significant, but Hey, I'm gonna let it slide for now.)

SO - the doctor says...

Or more accurately the nurse called me to say:

• 11 follicles sized 12 mm and 10 mm.
• Estrogen of about 583 (I wrote it down at work and forgot to bring it home with me)
• Progesterone of 0.8
• and we're not doing LH anymore - the Lupron plays hell and it's meaningless.

Today is technically Cycle Day 6, and day 4 or stims.  I looked back, and on this day last time what we had was:

• 3 follicles - 13, 12, and 11
• Estrogen of 113
• Progesterone of 1.3

It seems to me - and our Nurse coordinator - that it's going much better this time.  In any case I'm starting to feel better.

I did have friends over tonight, and had a bit to drink, but I didn't go crazy overboard, and at least my right breast hurts less.  I guess I forgot to tell you - there's something going on with it, I went to the regular doctor this afternoon, and they think it's just inflammation or a clogged duct.  Moist heat, don't get a fever, and hope it gets better this week.  They don't think it's cancer.  Yay!

The plan for tomorrow - 

1. Try and get some more writing done:  I've completed 6,985 words in the challenge so far (not counting blog posts) or approximately 14%.  So far I'm on track. It's probably not any good, but since the point is a rough draft, and you're not supposed to edit, just get words on paper, I'm doing okay.  I keep trying to get a little bit ahead, but so far it isn't happening.
2. Go and get massages.  We're both scheduled for 2 hour massages tomorrow, and I can't wait.
3. Go along with whatever Jakobe's plan is.  I don't know what it is - but he's been conspiring with my best friend, so I'm excited to find out.

day 4:long lines

I think that today is technically day 4 of stims.  I'm sitting here waiting with about 30 other women to be churned through the ultrasound machine that is a.m. labs. 

Mostly I'm just really really hoping that it's working right now.  I'm so afraid that it's going to be terrible like last time and that I'm not actually stimming, even given the high doses of drugs I am on.

I'm also hoping that I'm going to able to talk to somone about this terrible pain in my right breast.  If I bump it wrong it takes me almost a minute to recover, because it's like being stabbed.  It sucks, and I keep bothering it while I'm trying to sleep.  I guess I want to know if I should wait and see if it stops when stims do, or if I should have it checked out. 

Nothing like random boob pain to take you mind off of nearly everything else.

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I cannot be trusted...

...with microdose Lupron, which must be kept refrigerated.  I have had two incidents in the last two days.

Incident one - I left it out, on the counter for three hours, while I went to dinner, and only thought about it after I crawled into bed.  Had to get back up again - put it in the fridge, have a freakout, and call the pharmacist in the morning.

Incident two - While trying to avoid a repeat of incident one, I asked Jakobe to "put it away" after I was done drawing up the Lupron injection.  I was sitting on the couch and trying to manage all three injections at once.  Unfortunately he heard "throw it away".  Oops.  There's an upside to this one.  Today is garbage day, so he took the garbage out last night.  And - it's November, so it cold outside.  A garbage can is like a fridge, right?  (I've been keeping it in the outer container, and miraculously, nothing got dirty...)

I cannot screw this up again, I may be out of free passes.

On a final note - I owe my nurse coordinator a bit of an apology.  I'm still irritated that it takes forever to hear back from her, but it was mostly the pharmacy's screw up.  They hadn't checked their voice-mail in hours when I got there.  She still called it in to the wrong pharmacy, but she did call it in to the right chain.  All is better now, and Jakobe started his antibiotics all over again last night.

Antibiotics are Evil

At least Docycycline is when prescribed to my Husband.  It makes his blood sugar go completely out of control, and high blood sugar makes him cranky (which is a bit of an understatement, when his blood sugar is high, his fuse is so short it might as well not exist.)

So, because he doesn't physically have enough insulin to keep up with the doxy, I called our nurse coordinator to see if we can get a scrip for something else.  It only took her a couple (three and a half) hours to call me back.  Then she was very rushed, and hurried me off the phone while I was trying to be sure that she had the right pharmacy to call the scrip in to.

Fast forward to my drive home from work, when I stop off at the pharmacy to pick up the scrip.  No Scrip, and none at any of the other pharmacies in the chain.  We don't have a scrip.  So - Here I am waiting, again, for her to call me back, and hoping that it'll be today, because Jakobe is *not* taking any more doxycycline.  It's just not okay.