Killing time - and Procrastination

I was supposed to be doing homework today.  Instead, I haven't gotten out of my PJs, and I have been doing stuff around the House.

• I made Belgian Waffles for Jakobe - cause that's what he wanted for breakfast.
• I spent hours and hours retouching the photo's I too of my little sister in her prom dress yesterday.
• We rigged a new center support system for our bad - it's awesome.  I don't think that bed was meant for a a memory foam mattress, and it needed more support. 
• We re-arranged the bedroom
• I cleaned (and really cleaned, the bedroom we re-arranged, and went through all of my dresser drawers.  They were a really big mess.)
• I did some laundry.
• I made a loaf of banana bread.
• I'm writing a blog entry.

You see where I'm going with this.  Not that most of this stuff didn't need to get done.  But - None of it was my homework.  I have senioritis, combined with being in a mentally fucked up bad place right now.  It sucks.

And then - there was a question on a blog about what your husband shouldn't day to an infertile wife.  We today mine asked me if I was nesting! grr.

Anyway.  I am going to share a couple of pics of my sister.  Because she was absolutely beautiful, and looked like a princess.  Even if she did have a couple of promzilla moments!  You can click on the thumbnails to see larger pictures.

 

Weekend's Over

And it wasn't long enough. I'm struggling to find the time and motivation to keep up with things, specifically my homework. Everything else is going okay, and I started the prep work for our patio renovation, so the weekend wasn't a waste, and I did get outside in the sunshine, yay!

On the IVF front, just waiting to see what the ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow show. I'm a bit anxious, and entirely too tightly wound. I want so badly for this to work, but I just keep waiting for another shoe to drop.

On a final note, I probably need to stop blogging in bed, but it seems to be something I'm remembering to do right at the end of my day. In any case, time to say goodnight.

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The technical beginning

According to my RE's reckoning, today was CD1. So I guess we have begun. AF on the other hand, hasn't begun, just more of the infernal spotting. I am going to bed early, having failed to write 2 of the three papers I needed to write tonight due to a terrible headache and a house full of people. Now, I'm just hanging out in my bed with my cat.

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First Class, First Day, Last Quarter!

Today is the first day of the first class of my last quarter.  All I have to do is make it through this quarter and I'm done, I will officially have my degree in MIS, and have yet another piece in the puzzle when it comes to finding a newer, better paying job.  one where I can hopefully expand my horizons, or at least come closer to be able to live out my non-work dreams.

Now all I have to do is find the time to pull my professors aside and explain that I am undergoing medical treatments this quarter that may interfere with my attendance.  Timing isn't perfect for IVF, but I just couldn't make myself wait, I was slowly losing my mind.
 

News!

I actually have News....  It's amazing.  My nurse, Debbie, called me this afternoon because she noticed that we hadn't talked to the doctor since our appointment in June.  Apparently, a lot of changes happened around that time and she wanted to be sure that we understood what those changes meant.

The gist:

1. The doctor now only does Day 5 transfers.  
1. If nothing makes it to Day 5 - no transfer.
2. IF the blasts haven't expanded on day 5 and he wants to wait until day 6 - No transfer
3. I asked about what percentage of patients got to have a transfer on Day 5 - About 50%
2. They're now using vitrification.  This I knew, but it was nice to hear.

Also, things I learned.  I will be on an antagonist protocol with Follistim and Ganirelix.  This is the time when I want to jump up and down and say "Yay, no Lupron!!!"  Lupron and I have a storied past, and I still deal with a couple of side effects from when I was on it 10 years ago.  The pharmacy should be calling me within a couple of days to arrange to send me my drugs.  (She also made sure to remind me that they cost a couple of thousand dollars so I probably don't want them sitting on my porch in 31 degree weather)

She'll be mailing me my calendar either today or tomorrow so that I can have it before the injection class, and because I think she can tell that I'm one hell of an impatient bitch woman.  In any case.  Baby steps closer, but still closer.  I know when my first couple of appointments are going to be.

• 1 April - first blood draw and Ultrasound, also the day I should be stopping BCPs (this can't come soon enough, especially for Jakobe)
• 6 April - first check, this should also be the day that I start stims, assuming everything else goes according to plan.

It's good to have an idea where I'm headed.  I suppose now I have to talk to work again (I'm thinking next week) because I still don't know if they're going to be doing something with my schedule or not.  Good going work.

I tried to tell Jakobe what was going on, and to get him to evidence at least some of the excitement that I feel (and that he so easily expresses about star wars books, and WoW, and just about anything that doesn't involve me - sorry, crabby bitchy moment there - I'm irritated because he told me he was too tired to process what I was trying to tell him, but at the same time, he's now totally involved and gung ho about playing WoW with his friends.  Cue approach of hormonal tears, that will not be shed.)

In any case.  I'm excited to be moving forward.  I just wish that I felt like Jakobe cared.

Quick Notes:  Today was the last day of the quarter, so now I'm officially on spring break.  This is an awesome thing, and may actually mean that I get to spend more time at the gym - which we have actually been going to.

I'll post the calendar when it comes in (I may even scan it in to share).

Mommy-in-waiting and Definitely-TTC got their BFP!  I am so excited and happy for them, and I have to say that her positivity these past couple of months has really been an inspiration.

Facelift

Not for me - but for my blog, I've been working on images for a couple of days, and I have to admit - I think I like how it turned out.  But one of my best discoveries:  the Tornado shape in Photoshop Elements looks a lot like sperm when you stretch it out.


Other than that - not much going on here.  Getting ready to finish off the programming project for this quarter, looking forward to spring break, and oh so happy that I have only two classes (one quarter) left until I actually DONE with school.


Something I had to share:

One blog post I read this week that made total sense to me, and was so spot on - it perfectly encapsulates how I feel about it, and does it in a very respectful way.  one thing she says is "...that adoption is not "second best," but it is linked to grief - and that is ok."  So, if you've never read anything by Hillary at Making Me Mom, I suggest that you at least pop over and read this.

Doing too Much?

Jakobe was telling me last night as we were lying in bed that he thinks I should maybe take the summer off school, that I’m doing too much and that it’s not very healthy for me.  (Not his exact words, but his sentiment).  He wants me to have time to goof off, and do the things that I like, go for bike rides after work, make some changes at the house, read a book (or a dozen), and just take things slower.  I can’t say that I disagree with him, it would be a good idea.  I actually keep thinking about it myself.  It would be easier.  I don’t want to do summer school this year.  I am getting tired of it – I’m in my 7^th straight quarter already.  That and I’m just tired, more emotionally tired than anything, but it’s all tied together.

But – I didn’t go back to school with the idea that it was going to be easy, and I know myself well enough to realize that if I take the summer off, I’ll probably fill my time with other commitments that I’ll then try to continue when school starts again in the Fall.  Added to that – I really, really want next year to be the last year.  I’m supposed to be able to graduate next June, but that only works if I either take one class this summer, or if I go full-time one quarter next year.  I think that the full-time quarter will hurt me more than one summer class.

It doesn’t look like I’m going to have to worry about how to juggle pregnancy and/or motherhood while finishing up the last year of school (I might have given myself an extension to the deadline if that happened. )  I will probably have to continue to juggle infertility, periodic depression, and possible fertility treatments, whilst saving all the money we can for an IVF attempt and going to school.  I can do it.  When I went back to school I gave up two things I really enjoyed because I couldn’t manage my time well enough to make all of my commitments work: Triathlons and 4-H.  

I want it to be worth it.

I want to finish what I started.

I need to finish what I started. 

By June of next year I probably won’t be a mom, but I will be the proud owner of a degree in Management Information Systems, and a boatload of debt.  If I stop before then, I just get the debt – and not the pretty piece of paper.  

Afterglow

So, after my last post, things got a lot better.  How?

When I got home from school, I was in one heck of the mood - I was actually crying when I left class on Tuesday night.  (not really like me, but hey - I'm on thin emotional ice right now).  I tried to call Jakobe - and he was too busy playing video games to answer/hear the phone.  I was upset, and pissed, and unreasonable.  Like major PMS, but without the hormones.

What did I do about it?  The stupid thing.  I slammed around, and made myself a large martini which I drank in two swallows, and then I let him hug me, and started crying again.  Smooth, huh?

We had words - and I admitted that I'm holding myself together by the skin of my teeth, and that I didn't think I could keep it up. He held me, and we talked of a minute or two.  I felt a bit better, but was mostly just to tired to deal with it anymore.

He went off to the back of the house.  I took my vitamins, medications, and supplements (quite a handful - mostly supplements), had a nice shot of applejack, and decided to go to bed.

I've typed all this and realized that it doesn't really look like things got any better.


At this point, I was just a touch drunk, and perfectly okay with it.


This is the point where Jakobe decides to surprise me with an unexpected bout of make-up sex.  It sounds terrible, but it was exactly what I needed.  Afterward, I felt much more connected and loved, and more like we were on the same page.  It helped me to feel like we weren't giving up, and like this whole thing wasn't going to get the best of us.

Sometimes I wonder if we could solve all the worlds problems with the afterglow of really great sex...  And - if everyone else were just like us, there would be no nasty population explosion to deal with as a consequence.

Wasting Time and Money

Yep - back to my database class.  The grad student who is teachign it can't teach his way out of a paper sace, and has no flexibility.  Also, he can't answer a question with a straight answer.

He tells us exactly what we can put on the homework, and if you copy him, you get full points, but if you think on your own, and make slightly different assumptions, you're wrong.  Database design, assumptions, table normalization, etc. is not done exactly the same way by different people.  This is BULLSHIT.

A Waste of My Time...

...and money, otherwise known as my Database Applications class.  Last week, I left partway though because he spent all 4 hours discussing homework that we were supposed to have turned in that day, and I had finished 2 weeks before.  Today, We're still talking about the same homework.  I spent valuable money so that I could sit in this class and actually LEARN something.  Mostly I guess I'm just sitting here, and instead of paying attention, I'm blogging.  Maybe I'll go back to reading my textbook.  Really though, If you can get the same amount of learning from reading the damn book (which I found for less than $50), Why would you pay for a 4 credit class...

Oh yeah - because if you pay a lot of money, for a lot of classes, they give you a piece of paper that says that they believe you actually learned something...

...and people believe them.

Being Right

Do you know how hard it is to back down when you know you're right. Not quite as hard as it is to back down the second time.

Lets start with what the disagreement was about - a question on the quiz in my database processing class. He was testing on whether we read the text, and not on whether we understood it. The question?

Which of the following is not a functional Functional Determinant?

The possible answers don't really matter, because there was actually *no* right answer, but the answer he had as the correct answer was "equations" based on the fact that he had highlighted from reading the textbook the section heading:

Functional Determinants are not Equations.

Unfortunately, he actually misread the heading which was:

Functional Determinants that are not Equations.(emphasis mine)

I know that this is a technical class, but if you're testing on if we read the material - you should read it correctly yourself.

Mostly though, I object to receiving a 5 minute lecture in front of everyone about why I was wrong based on a fallacious argument - that equations are not functional determinants because it's a bad idea to have them as functional determinants. Especially when I agree that it's a bad idea, it just wasn't the question he was asking.