6dp5dt - I can still find my marbles

If I look hard enough anyway.  I'm trying to stay positive, but you know how it goes, sometimes you just have those moments of doubt.  Those moments where you're sure that like everything else before now you're going to get dumped flat on my face.  In any case, I've been keeping busy, and trying not to get too worked up.  I've done a lot of reading, and playing of video games.  Last night I took my best friend out to dinner and shopping for chocolate and kitchen implements (I'm now the proud owner of an 11" tart pan with a removable bottom.

Symptoms (that may or may not be all in my head):

• Cramping - Not in my head, I've been cramping since Thursday.
• Sore boobs (over the weekend.)  Then they got better :(
• Jakobe said that my boobs were bigger, but I couldn't see/feel a difference.
• Tired - But that was just yesterday and might be meaningless, I was falling asleep at dinner at about 7:30 last night.
•  Increased Heart rate: 90bpm while lying in bed, 103 BPM while sitting at my desk (and I know that's really high even for my sedentary fat ass.)

I feel like I'm just picking up on little things that don't have any meaning, and I'm worried becasue my breasts stopped being sore, Like maybe embry started and then couldn't keep going. 

I could POAS today, or tomorrow or even Thursday, but I don't want to know.  Okay I do want to know, but If it's negative I would like to go on thinking I'm pregnant for as long as possible.  I did have my progesterone test done yesterday, and it came back just fine at 21.7.

In the meanwhile we have a plan for my not drinking on Thanksgiving.  I'm buying myself some sparkling cider, and Jakobe is going to drink.  I'm the Designated Driver this time.  Honestly - I don't think it's going to work.  But it's a plan anyway.  I just don't think I want to be talking about it with all the aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, Etc.  

I just have to make it until Friday.

Waiting in Line: We're up next

So, here we go again with IVF 2.0.  Tomorrow is my the day that I begin Lupron, and Gonal-F the day after that.  It's good to have changed things a little bit, but at the same time, the whole thing is just scary. Unfortunately it's not the "embarking on a new adventure" scary, but the "I didn't really like this ride the first time" scary.  It's kind of like my sister, who is terrified of heights, who keeps riding the Panic Plunge, even though she knows that the second that she starts to go up, she's going to start crying, change her mind, and ask them to stop the ride and let her off.  (they never do, they might do that for a little kid, but not an adult woman.)  I know what I'm getting myself into, and I'm still getting on.

Right now, I'm sitting at my computer, freshly showered (Ultrasound at o'dark-thirty anyone?) and trying to drink enough water so that I can actually not spend 20 minutes trying to get my blood drawn in the morning, while not drinking enough water to keep me awake all night getting up to pee.  It's a fine line.

Jakobe and I have been doing a lot of talking this week, from what we thought we should do about the adoption situation, to what we're going to do with Embry (his name for our frostie) if stims are totally crappy this time around too.  The current plan is that if we get to transfer day, and we have nothing to transfer, then we're going to go ahead and put Embry back and cross our fingers.  We'd never really planned for a single embryo transfer, but at this point, if things go badly again, I think we'll take what we can get.

Important Dates in IVF 2.0:

October 31 - First Lupron Injection
November 1 - Start Gonal-F
November 6 - My 32nd Birthday
November 12 - Tentative retrieval day (and the 4th anniversary of our first kiss)
November 17 - Tentative Transfer Day
November 24 - Thanksgiving
November 26 - My best guess for Beta day...

Things I plan to do differently this time:

NaNoWriMo - only possible because it's November, but I thought it best to give myself something else to concentrate on, like - did I write my 1,667 words today?  I may end up breaking a lit of the rules, but I need some therapy, and it's really cheap, right?

When we get to transfer, I plan to take two days off of work, and just rest.  I'm self prescribing bed rest, because I want to be sure I did my damnedest  .  This is different, because we didn't even make it to transfer last time.

Not try and do too much.  NaNoWriMo isn't physically demanding, and if it gets to be too much, then I can just stop.  There is no one and nothing holding my feet to the fire.

Try and make sure that I'm supporting Jakobe, and also that I'm doing a better job of communicating what I need from him.  I pretty much suck at asking for what I need.  (Somehow I expect him to be psychic, and then I get mad at him when he doesn't just know.  Totally unfair and bitchy of me - So I'm going to try and do better.)

Happy Holidays

So I know I've been pretty absent around here, and I would promise to change my ways, but I don't want to make a liar out of myself.

The holidays can be difficult. They really haven't been bad for me in the past, but the extended family christmas to night was great, and it sucked. Why does everyone have to ask you when you're going to have kids.. or why you dont.

My cousin, who I haven't seen since Jakobe and I started dating was the one with the questions, plus, she's a holistic health professional, who felt like she could tell me that she could fix everything and make it all right infour months. Doesn't she know, hope kills. I can hardly deal with the amount of hope that IVF is giving us at the moment, and to go haring of on another goose chase is most likely not in our best interests. I'm just copming back to myself again, and it's hard.

Back to the problems with the party. There's a great big group of everyone else's kids running around underfoot, which is how it's shupposed to be. But - all my cousins are younger than I am because I'm basically the oldest of my generation. And my uncle was showing off his new baby over skype... I'm jealous, and I feel like crap about it. And my sister has this great opportunity to adopt a baby, and I'm so happy for her if it's what she wants, because I want her to be happy, but at the same time, I'm a little sad for me, and I feel like a bad person, like a bad sister.

Anyway, that's my holiday bitching. There's lots of other crap going on, and If things work out for the best, wde might become insta-parents of a teenager, but it's all craziness that I can get into later. Let me leave you all with these thoghts. Happy Holidays, merry Christams. Good Jul, and may some of our wishes find a way to become realities.

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