A blog first

I have to say that my last post was the first time I have received a negative comment on my blog, and it's taken me some time to figure out how I wanted to respond. For those of you who don't read the comments – here it is, so that you know what I'm talking about:

StaNMay 20, 2012 6:05 PM

Day care? Day care? DAY CARE for a 6 week old infant?!???

That is cruel! A baby deserves time to bond with its parents! Not to be banished to institutional care at the ripe old age of 40 days!!

I sure hope the first parents know you're doing this!! I cannot imagine any first mom would let an amom planning to dump a teeny-tiny baby in daycare!!!

I have a lot of things that I wish to say to this. Yes, I am going back to work after six weeks, which I don't think that anyone believes to be ideal, but in my household I am the primary breadwinner, and I don't have paid maternity leave. When I go back to work, my husband is staying home for two weeks, and then my mother-in-law will be here for the two days that I have to work the week of the fourth of July. This wasn't an easy decision for us, and there are many factors that come into play, like the fact that because of Jakobe's diabetes and the cost of health insurance, we can't afford for him to become a stay-at-home dad. Me being a stay-at-home mom was never an option, no matter how much I would like it to be. We are doing the best that we can.

As far as characterizing our daycare as “institutional care” I find it to be a gross mischaracterization of our plan, made by someone who has more politics than knowledge of our situation. The first parents know exactly what we are doing, as Niko will be attending the same in-home care as her first siblings.

Be outraged if you want. I am. I'm outraged that someone would come here, bringing the “mommy wars” with them, to tell me what a terrible mother I am before I've had even three weeks with my daughter. We all have to make choices and compromises.

Be outraged, I am. I am outraged that I live in one of the most advanced countries in the world, but I have no paid maternity leave. I am using every drop of my vacation and sick leave to stay at home as long as I can – and that's not right. Every other first world country has paid parental leave because they recognize the importance of family, and bonding, and how that makes for a stronger society, and most likely a more productive workforce whose mind is on their work while they are there, and not at home (or wherever their child is being cared for) with a child that the parents aren't ready to leave. So if I sound defensive, it's because I am. I want to stay at home longer, I want to be there with her, and I don't get to be. I can't imagine yet how hard it is going to be to go back to work. But, I don't really have a choice. Two rounds of IVF, and an adoption that fell in our lap from the gods have drained our savings, the money I had planned to use to cover the unpaid time off I wanted to take when I had a child. The short term disability policy that I've been paying for for years doesn't apply. Why? Because I'm not “recovering from childbirth.” The best laid plans, right?

So I guess what I am saying to StaN is: know what you're talking about before you make judgments. And if all else fails follow the golden rule. Or – just keep your damn mouth shut – you don't have the right to judge me.

To the rest of you: thanks for putting up with my rant, and maybe someday we can make a change to the family policies and politics of this country. Politicians like to say that family is central to our lived. Maybe it's time for them to put their votes where their mouth is.

Dollars and $ense of family building

Click on the picture to see the
other responses

This was started over at Write Mind Open Heart, and it's a conversation that we all need to be aware of.  The added costs of family building when it comes to Infertility and Adoption are not a laughing manner, and neither is how we will explain these things to our children and how they will feel about them.Some of these questions I have to answer from a hypothetical perspective, because I don't know all of my answers or my journey yet.  I thought that this would be an appropriate opening post for my National Infertility Awareness Week Blogging.

Consider your now or future children as adults, and consider the fact that you had to spend money to either conceive them or make them part of your family. What effect do you think the latter will have on the former one day? What, do you think, your grown children might feel about the funds it took to create your family?

I hope that they're not bothered by it, and I hope to instill the belief that we loved them and wanted them so much that we went all out in the attempt to be their parents. 

How did/would you handle it if your child asks you, “Mom, how much did I cost?” How would you answer at age 7? At age 18?

I would be honest, but try to couch it in terms that make sense to them given their age.  And try to remind them that we didn't go out to the store and buy them, we went to the doctor and paid him to help us.  So, to a 7 year old, it might be along the lines of an awful lot, and maybe a dollar figure, but something to make it real and to a child on the cusp of adulthood - I'd probably compare it to the amount it costs to buy a new car.

When calculating the costs of your family building, what do you include? The direct costs are easy (such as RE fees for a cycle or homestudy fees), but what about fees that didn’t directly lead to your child’s existence in your life, such as cycles that didn’t work, adoption outreach avenues that didn’t work, failed adoptions, avenues that were explored (and that cost something) but not pursued, etc.?

So far I'm including all of the costs.  Medications, supplements, testing, marital counseling, cycles that didn't work, everything.  Why, because that is the cost of us building our family.  It's not just the cost of a single cycle, because we should learn from the failed ones and hopefully make the next try better.  On the other hand - I'm not counting the costs of snacks at support group meetings, or the cost f gas to drive around....  or - even - the cost of ice cream.

If two children in a family “cost” different amounts, should that have any significance?

No.  Because it's not a measure of a child, it's the measure of the amount of help that we needed to bring that child into our family.

To what extent have finances determined the family-building decisions you have made? How have you able to balance financial considerations against other factors such as medical, ethical, emotional…?

Finances have played a big role.  We really didn't want to go deeper into debt to start our family.  So we spent a year of instituting austerity measures at home to help us pay more out of pocket for our treatments.  We chose to participate in a type of shared risk plan because we knew that we couldn't afford to try again if the first attempt failed, at least not soon after, and we wanted to make sure that we would have a good chance at a family.  In many cases, We put some of our emotional heath on the back burner to our financial health, waiting put strains on our marriage, and strains on our emotions that we weren't really prepared for.  Mostly because although I'm the one who wanted to save first, I'm also the one who was impatient.

Has institutional and governmental support for certain family-building paths impacted your choices? For example, ART being covered by insurance, tax deductions for adoption expenses, etc.

No treatments were covered by our insurance, and there is nothing in our state that required that they do so.  The only way that the outside entities affected our decisions is that they made family building harder for us.

Have you considered having ART treatments abroad, either due to lower cost or due to certain methods being unavailable or illegal in your own country? In your decision-making, how did you balance the financial savings against issues like the unknowns of the country, perhaps not speaking the language, and medical practices that may differ from those of your home country? If you did travel abroad for treatments, what was your experience? Would you do it again?

Right now, I'm not comfortable with it.  Probably because I haven't traveled that much myself, and because I couldn't conceive of a way for us to go out of country for ART and keep our jobs.  Will I consider it in the future - I hope I don't have to, and I think that it's farther than Jakobe is willing to go.

Even I have something to say about PETA

Ms. Newkirk,

I am an animal lover.  I don’t always agree with the extremes of PETA’s positions on animals, but I definitely support the spaying and neutering of companion animals.  We all have a responsibility to reduce feral populations, and the number of pets that aren’t really loved and cared for.  Rith now it seems that PETA takes joy in choosing extreme positions in order to raise awareness, and to cause controversy and conversation.  This latest stunt/campaign that includes the giveaway of a vasectomy in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week is repulsive and insulting.  I am aware that I am participating in the conversation that you wanted to spark, and honestly – I have no problem with the win a vasectomy campaign in and of itself – if you want to make a statement about human overpopulation, that’s your right.  BUT, and this is a big but, claiming that the giveaway is in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week is wrong.

Infertility is something that affects a large part of the human race, and interferes with one of our most basic biological drives.  I can remember, not too long ago, sitting through a college course on the history and future of the human race, and hearing over and over again, that as an organism we are only successful if we procreate, and our children survive to procreate as well.  This is a large part of how nature designed us.  It is not wrong to want to have a child, or children.  It is wrong to try and make your point at the expense of a class of people who are hurting, and doubly wrong to do it at a time that they are trying to raise awareness for themselves.

Your organization is not the first to make the claim that we have a moral imperative to not increase the human population of the earth.  It is also not the first to place the responsibility for that squarely at the feet of those who have had much of that choice taken away from them.  Infertile couples will not be participating in your contest – they don’t need the prize.  Choosing to refrain from having children because of moral or social beliefs is not the responsibility of the infertile community – infertiles who made that choice probably don’t know or care that they are infertile, so it doesn’t bother them.  The majority of infertile couples choose (or are able to) have only one or two children, a birth rate that favors population reduction, as that rate does not tend to replace themselves into the next generation.  As for the rest of us – I ask this question:  Did your members refrain from having children; did they spay or neuter themselves?  Or do the majority of them have children and families of their own, and are instead trying to push their social responsibilities off on those who just want something that they themselves take for granted?

Senja C. Yakovleff

Not at all Wordless Wednesday: Random Bits and Yellow Chicken Curry

Warning: this post contains some political commentary and opinions.  They're mine, and I feel the need to share.

While I'm waiting for my injection class and for my meds to arrive there are a couple of things that I feel like I should touch on:

• The one year anniversary of the Affordable Healthcare Act.  I know that because of my endometriosis I have been extremely careful for my entire adult life to never go without insurance so that I didn't run afoul of the pre-existing conditions clause.  This sometimes meant paying premiums that I couldn't afford, and that made it so that I couldn't afford to actually see the doctor when I needed to - because it had spent all of that money maintaining my insurance coverage.  Also - Check out Foxy's very eloquent post on the same subject.
• I found an excellent IVF resource for people who actually love to geek out on technical details:   http://www.ivf-worldwide.com/  check out the education center, and all of the information and surveys that they have done - I'm still wandering around the site after the better part of a week.
• The new law in South Dakota requiring women who want an abortion to wait 3 days, and to visit a "crisis pregnancy center" for a counseling session.  I'll be honest, I don't much like the idea of abortion, and I would like to see it "Safe, Legal, and Rare" but at the same time, I don't think that forcing women to go for a counseling session where the whole point is to pressure them into changing their minds is a good idea.  And I'm bothered by the idea that not only is there a desire to reduce access to contraception, thereby making abortions more likely, or at least condemning some women to a life of poverty, but there is also a desire to berate them after the fact, and reduce their choices then as well.  It's a slippery slope, and many of the same voices who appose abortion and contraception also oppose ART.  Where do they stop?

And on a final note, is the Yellow Chicken Curry - this is a fast and easy recipe, that can be made quickly on a weeknight, adn very easily falls into the comfort food category.  Maybe not your typical comfort food, but how do you go wrong with a thick creamy sauce and saffron rice?

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Yellow Chicken Curry:

Ingredients:

4 chicken thighs (or breasts - but I'm cheap)

Curry powder

1 onion

1/4 - 1/2 cup Golden raisins

Salt and Pepper to Taste

Mushrooms (optional)

Olive Oil

Sour Cream (16 oz)

Directions:

I sauteed the onions with a bit of olive oil and curry powder, and set them aside  Add salt to taste.  Jakobe doesn't like them, and I thought they'd make an attractive garnish.  

Chop and add the onion to your pan with a generous sprinkling of curry powder, and cook until soft, translucent, and an even yellow color.  Add raisins, and sautee just a bit longer.  Remove to a seperate dish.

Repeat the process with the chicken - you can slice it thinly, like I did here, cut it into chunks, or leave it whole, just remember to salt, pepper, and sprinkle generously with curry powder.  If you're using thighs, you can completely omit the olive oil for this step.  Cook the chicken until it's just done. (This time will vary depending on how large your pieces are.)

Add back the onions and raisins, and then add the sour cream.  Stir together and simmer on low until ready to serve.

Server with regular or Saffron Rice.

Super Simple Saffron Rice:

Ingredients:

1 1/2 cups brown rice

2 tablespoons olive or canola oil

2 cups chicken broth

a healthy pinch (or two) of saffron

2 cups hot water

Directions:

Add rice and oil to the pot and put on the burner on medium high.  Stirring occasionally, toast the rice until some of the grains are browned, and you get that toasty aroma from the pan.  Meanwhile combine the hot water and saffron and let them sit.  When the rice is toasted add the saffron water and broth, bring it to a boil, cover and reduce the heat to medium low.  Cook until the water is completely absorbed - about 45 minutes.