Caught in the Middle...

...between expectations and desires
...between my hisband and reality
...between fuck if I know

It's been a while since I updated all of you out here in the blogosphere about what's going on with us.  and that's mostly becasue a lot has been going on, and I've bbeen going crazy with trying to figure out how to put everything together and make this work.

The biggest hurdles right now are financial.  Why?  Becasue the expenses of this Adoption have ballooned to be almost twice what we were led to believe at the outset, and that's becasue they are our friends and are being nice, it could have ballooned even more.  This is some expensive shit.  Honestly though, it's not like I didn't know that were were going to be going into some major debt for this.  We didn't have any time to save, and we blew all of our savings on IVF last year.  So, as much as we're not really poor, we are very definately broke.  And - it sucks.

A bigger problem is communication, and getting blindsided with expenses at unexpected times. So after we talked about medical expenses earlier, and I thought we might have the start of a plan, we got a call from our lawyer today saying that he needed a check from us for $900.  Today. Aargh.  Anyway, it's done - taken care of.  And, although I had to use my grediut card, I got a pretty good deal on the interest rate - for now. 

In other news.  I now have a bunch of hand me down clothes and diapers and diaper covers that are currently being washed and then will be folded and put away.  and - I have some adorable new stuff that came in the mail as a present for *BLOG NAME NOT YET DETERMINED* - Thank you Foxy!

So, we're a lot closer.  We still need an infant carseat and a crib.  I was initially thinking about a co-sleeper, but I think we'll side car the crib instead.  But - We're not going to have a cold nekkid baby.  And we got this awesome room divider thing to use as a dresser.  We can set it on end right now so that it's easy for us to use, but then we can later put it on it's side so that all the drawers are easy for her to reach.  I love this idea!

I'm waiting for the accessory kit for the breastpump to get to me, and wondering why it take so long (and $10) to ship something 4 miles.  I'm also getting ready to order the domperidone, cause we're getting closer tio me starting to take that.  On the breastfeeding/milkmaking front I'm mostly where I was before.  IU've3 got some dribbles, but that's about it.  We'll see what happens when the dom and the breast pump make it into the mix.

We've also pretty much finalized out leave plans.  I'm going to take 6 weeks.  It'll use up all of my vacation and sick leave, but I can basically swing it.  Then Jakobe will take 2 weeks, and then, then it's daycare.  Any good tips on finding one?

So, I guess to tie it all up, we're broke, going for broker, and I'm sitting here winding down at the end of my day with a large glass of port.

on Sleep

I know I should be working on making sure that I am as well rested as I can be,  after all - I have the luxury (if you want to call it that) if not having to fight my pregnant body to be able to sleep.  And I feel like in some ways, I'm doing pretty well.  I'm certainly waking up better in the morning, even before I drink one of my two now-ritual daily cups of coffee.  But sleep is an elusive beast, never fully tamed, escaping the bars of it's cage and running far away.  Which is to say that I feel like I am having pregnancy dreams.  Or at least dreams that are trying to work out all of those things that are stressing me out.  Our unfinished bedroom/nursery, the phone call I need to make again to the daycare, figuring out how our finances will really work, and realizing that I can really only take 6 weeks off of work, because I can only eat about 2 weeks of unpaid time, and even that is going to be very hard, and finally - our lack of baby stuff.

We have:

• A convertible Carseat
• A hand-me-down pack in play (I like hand-me-downs)
• Two Onesies
• One Bib
• One bag of swag from the midwife (3 bottles of liquid formula)
• a Secretary desk I think I can use as a dresser/changing table

We are:  63 days from her expected due date, and I'm starting to feel very unprepared.  

But nothing compares to the dreams, the ones that highlight my every anxiety.  A couple of times now they've been about breastfeeding, and I wasn't making milk, and Jakobe kept feeding her fruit and not waking me up to feed her.  And - She was very irritated about the whole thing and told me all about it, whilst rearing up and trying to attach to my nipple like a cobra about to strike!  Yeah, fun.

Anyway, I assume that all of this is a good thing, and am happy to say that we have a wall put up in the soon to be Master & Nursery.  This weekend we need to texture, and try and move the guest furniture up to the "man cave" so that it can be stored there while the window goes in.  That and I want to have a date with my husband.  It'll all fit somehow.

Look at our new Wall:

Expecting

My bubble of waiting
is thin-skinned
easily burst
The slightest breeze of envy
causes it to ripple
and shift around me

Without balance
it shudders
leaving me to wonder
if I can stay on solid ground
and fly away
both

Seeing the world through
its rainbow hues
seems less than real
and more
I step carefully
shifting only slightly

Waiting for the
POP,
to be crushed by reality
or to float away
carried in the wind
of a new dream

I wrote the poem yesterday, and on Saturday we have the home visit for our Home-study.  Or family and friends have been amazingly helpful and supportive, and we've gotten a lot done, but I still can't help but feel totally and completely nervous.  What if something goes wrong?

I'm also feeling a bit sad to go along with all of the excitement.  Sad about ht parts of this experience that I don't get to have.  I'm working my way through it, but I didn't exactly think that all of the feelings about my infertility were going to go away just because we're adopting.  I still have to deal with them.  It's easier, and harder.  Easier, because I don't fear that we'll never get to be parents.  Harder because I feel a little bit guilty for my sadness in a way that I didn't before.

I'm sorry that I've been pretty quiet over here.  I've been focused on doing things here instead of writing about doing things, and When I get involved with my life and have less angst, I seem to write less.  We'll see how things go from here on out.

I *did* make my very first quilt for her.  and I'll share a picture of it with you.

Schrödinger's cat

We did it.  We went in for our beta.  This means that in a few short hours I won't be able to pretend that I'm pregnant anymore.  I'm terrified.  I cried on the way home.  Jakobe is telling me only positive things.  But, I'm trying to be prepared for the worst, to expect the worst.  I'm afraid that I manufactured all of my symptoms like a crazy woman grasping at straws.

The box is open, we just haven't looked yet.

6dp5dt - I can still find my marbles

If I look hard enough anyway.  I'm trying to stay positive, but you know how it goes, sometimes you just have those moments of doubt.  Those moments where you're sure that like everything else before now you're going to get dumped flat on my face.  In any case, I've been keeping busy, and trying not to get too worked up.  I've done a lot of reading, and playing of video games.  Last night I took my best friend out to dinner and shopping for chocolate and kitchen implements (I'm now the proud owner of an 11" tart pan with a removable bottom.

Symptoms (that may or may not be all in my head):

• Cramping - Not in my head, I've been cramping since Thursday.
• Sore boobs (over the weekend.)  Then they got better :(
• Jakobe said that my boobs were bigger, but I couldn't see/feel a difference.
• Tired - But that was just yesterday and might be meaningless, I was falling asleep at dinner at about 7:30 last night.
•  Increased Heart rate: 90bpm while lying in bed, 103 BPM while sitting at my desk (and I know that's really high even for my sedentary fat ass.)

I feel like I'm just picking up on little things that don't have any meaning, and I'm worried becasue my breasts stopped being sore, Like maybe embry started and then couldn't keep going. 

I could POAS today, or tomorrow or even Thursday, but I don't want to know.  Okay I do want to know, but If it's negative I would like to go on thinking I'm pregnant for as long as possible.  I did have my progesterone test done yesterday, and it came back just fine at 21.7.

In the meanwhile we have a plan for my not drinking on Thanksgiving.  I'm buying myself some sparkling cider, and Jakobe is going to drink.  I'm the Designated Driver this time.  Honestly - I don't think it's going to work.  But it's a plan anyway.  I just don't think I want to be talking about it with all the aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, Etc.  

I just have to make it until Friday.

Impatience

I am lying in bed this morning, waiting for the clinic to call and give me today's instructions.  Waiting to find out how our embryos are doing.  My mind is racing and I can't doze anymore. 

Jakobe has gone to work, he had to go in very early today and basically get some favors so that he could leave the office early enough to go with me for the transfer, whenever it will be.  He has to work until 8:45, and then he has the rest of the day.  I am very grateful to the people who helped him out, and very irritated by how inflexible his work is being in general.  It's not like he's been asking for loads of time off, and he worked all day Friday, when I had my retrieval.   Grr.  I had to pick, and I picked that I wanted him with me today.  But, they couldn't get it worked out until yesterday, so we've been a little stressed by that.

Anyway, the clinic didn't call last time until after eight, so I need to be a bit more patient.  Maybe get up and eat breakfast?  Or listen to the C+B Transfer track?  I'm so trying to not go a little crazy over the next hour.  Then it'll just be a bit of boredom while I fumble through self-imposed bed rest today and tomorrow.

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day 4:long lines

I think that today is technically day 4 of stims.  I'm sitting here waiting with about 30 other women to be churned through the ultrasound machine that is a.m. labs. 

Mostly I'm just really really hoping that it's working right now.  I'm so afraid that it's going to be terrible like last time and that I'm not actually stimming, even given the high doses of drugs I am on.

I'm also hoping that I'm going to able to talk to somone about this terrible pain in my right breast.  If I bump it wrong it takes me almost a minute to recover, because it's like being stabbed.  It sucks, and I keep bothering it while I'm trying to sleep.  I guess I want to know if I should wait and see if it stops when stims do, or if I should have it checked out. 

Nothing like random boob pain to take you mind off of nearly everything else.

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Testing the Waters

I'm back - at least a little bit back.  I don't know how to explain what happened, just that I needed a great big break.  No saving money, no blogging, and no reading blogs.  I just had to get away.  other than the occasional doctor's appointment, the only things infertility related that I have been doing is attending out local support group meetings.

I have a hard time admitting - even too myself, how hurt I was after our IVF attempt in April.  I just shut down.  I took a couple of months before I even really had a prayer of keeping up on housework.  I was broken.  I took on too much, and when it was finally all over, when I no longer had to hold myself together so that IU could just graduate, all the cracks started showing plain as day.  so - I've been mending them, one at a time,  and my heart has a crazed appearance like crackle finish paint, but it's mostly whole again.

This is a good thing, especially since we're on the roller coaster again.  I started the BCPs this week for our next try.  I start stims the first of November.

I am terrified.

Nothing that happened this summer has really done much to make me feel better about or failure.  The doctor has decided that I have diminished ovarian reserve to go along with Jakobe's bunk sperm, and my endometriosis.  I'm not sure I believe him because my labs don't seem to agree with him, but he could be right.  Maybe we just thought we had the shit end of the stick to begin with, but we're really starting to small what we got ourselves into now.  We'll see.  This time it's a micro-flare protocol, with Lupron and the highest dosage of stims we can, from the get go.  We'll see how it turns out.

My Petty Rebellion

Screenshot from www.starbucks.com

I had Starbucks Hot chocolate this morning.  And - When I looked it up then, it said that it had 25 mg of caffeine.  But, I drank it anyway.

Other than that, today was just a day - if you count the morning routine of getting up right before Jakobe leaves for work so that he can give my my PIO shot, and then waiting for 20 minutes in bed dozing, and then putting heat on it for another 20 minutes, and then finally getting up to face my day.

I have a secret for you - tonight I'm terrified.  I have hope tonight.  and I'm afraid that tomorrow morning will take it all away.  As much as I want the morning phone call, I don't want it.  I want to spend some more time in this happy limbo, where I just think that it might happen.  It's all too fast.  

Anyway - that was me - checking in.  I'll let you know tomorrow's news when I know it.

'twas the night before retrieval...

And all through the house, every creature was hoping, even the mouse.
(okay, there better not be mice in my house...  the cat's supposed to take care of that - but what else easily rhymes with house?)

Today the Dr said it looks like I may have a couple on the left that make it.  In any case, here we are - the night before, and I'm excited, and nervous, and not absolutely sure what tomorrow has in store for us.

The trigger last night was not bad at all - it didn't sting like the lo-dose at all.  I woke Jakobe up to do his part - and well, he chickened out.  So once I was done, and I told him that I hardly even felt it, it didn't hurt, a completely incredulous look cam over his face and he told me " what are you talking about - it hurt me, and I'mm across the room holding onto the cat!"

Today went well.  I guess I should say that even with not responding that well, I can sooo feel my right ovary (it aches), and the ultrasound this morning graduated past minor discomfort into hurt territory, but not a lot.

First trip to the RE in the morning is at 7:45, then home for showers, and then pick up my best friend (Jakobe want's moral support while he's waiting, and then he wants to go have lunch with *his* best friend) and back to the clinic at 11 for the retrieval at noon.

In completely unrelated news - My uncle showed up to visit this weekend without warning, so now we've got a family potluck Saturday afternoon - as well the fact that I promised to take the individual and couple pictures for my youngest sister and her friends for their Prom!

Updated labs from Yesterday:

• Estrogen: 891
• Progesterone: 1.4
• LH: 5.3

And today:

• Follies:  Left 14, 13, 13, ???  I think  Right 3x >20 and a couple of small ones...
• Estrogen: 1150
• Beta: 69 (to make sure that I did the trigger right...  Guess I did.)
• Lining: 9.5

Day 9: letting go, and trusting

Jakobe and I talked for about an hour last night while we were lying in bed and holding on to one another.  It was good for us.  We talked about our options, and what we thought that we wanted to do...

When we started talking I was leaning pretty strongly toward converting to an IUI.  Jakobe thought we should either cancel outright, or we should go ahead.  At the end of our discussion, he felt like we should just keep going....  this isn't our last chance, and it might work.  We should take the risk, because IVF with a few eggs is probably still a better chance than we're going to have with IUI, and certainly a better chance than we've got on our own....  and another IVF is something we can do in a little while if it doesn't work.

Right now, I think, that I'm going to trust his judgement.  I know that I've done a fair amount of pushing him around during this whole process.  This one is his - I just can't make the choice in a rational manner without tearing my heart to bits.  He say's that it's his job to lighten my load, to make it easier, and I know that we need to carry it together.  I need to let him.

Once I started thinking this way, I was overcome with a feeling of peace.  I'm not happy with our circumstances, but at the same time, I'm in good hands.

Symptom wise - I stayed home from school today - too much emotion, and my tummy is starting to develop sharp pains.  That and I feel like a balloon.  I'm fat, bloated, and gassy.  If this doesn't work, I desperately need to make myself lose some weight, because I've almost gained back everything I lost after the wedding.

Today's Drug details (unchanged)

• 150 IU Follistim in the AM
• 225 IU Follistim in the PM + 20 units Lo-dose HCG

Weekend's Over

And it wasn't long enough. I'm struggling to find the time and motivation to keep up with things, specifically my homework. Everything else is going okay, and I started the prep work for our patio renovation, so the weekend wasn't a waste, and I did get outside in the sunshine, yay!

On the IVF front, just waiting to see what the ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow show. I'm a bit anxious, and entirely too tightly wound. I want so badly for this to work, but I just keep waiting for another shoe to drop.

On a final note, I probably need to stop blogging in bed, but it seems to be something I'm remembering to do right at the end of my day. In any case, time to say goodnight.

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Unreality

I can’t tell you why, but right now, none of this, the fertility treatments, the thought that in less than a month I could actually be pregnant seems real to me.  It feels more like a story that I’m telling myself.  It feels like I’m going to get to the end of the story and it’s just going to be over.  While I know what the actual goal of going through all of this is, I just can’t seem to wrap my head around the idea of it working, or of it being real.

I feel like I’m being positive, I’m planning for a positive outcome, and hoping for it – but I just can’t seem to really believe it.  And then I worry – that if don’t really believe, then it won’t happen.

With every step forward, I keep waiting for it to seem real now, and at each junction, I still feel like I’m going through the motions.  Would it be more real if some of the steps were harder to take?  If I were afraid of needles?  If my girly bits hadn’t always been on display to every passing doctor and nurse?  Will it get more real when my ovaries are swollen and uncomfortable?  When I have the retrieval?  At Transfer?  Beta?

I don’t know what to think.   I know that at the beginning of the week my eyebrow started twitching.  Whether or not I believe it, my body is feeling the stress.

Last night and today's Medication regimen was unchanged:

• 225 IU Follistim
• 20 units Low Dose HCG

Giveaway and Anxiety

So - I would have to rate my stress levels as through the roof.  I haven't been able to concentrate on school, I've had this damn headache, and my eyebrow/eyelid is twitching...  Grr.  Oh, and AF - still MIA.  I'm beginning to think that I'm going to skip that part entirely...  and I'm not sure that's a good thing.  In any case, I have to get up and out of here by 6:15 tomorrow morning, so I'm going to keep it short.  I'll update all of you tomorrow when I get my actual instructions and I know what my stims are supposed to be.  Tonight I'm just going to try and sleep.

I didn't forget my giveaway, entries start tomorrow.  It's easy, just leave a comment for me any time from tomorrow through my beta(s) it will be one entry.  I'll choose a winner at random, and you will get the pile of loot pictured here:  (It's an apple cinnamon reed difuser, ceramic measuring cups shaped like vegetables and a orange chocolate bar of soap - it's random, but it's cute and things that make me feel good, so I thought I'd share...)

PS. If I were feeling better I'd be doing my happy dance because my copy of Adobe CS5 design standard arrived today.  I am so Excited!